Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

I dated an Indian girl in college and got to know her extended family

Now I have strong passwords for life

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ivan!

Ivan who?

I'van trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

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Last Day Alive

My dad was ill and the doctor said this was his last day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I spotted a wishing well. Taking my chances I tossed in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son...

A man and his mother

A man and his mother were going away for a week to see extended family. The mother was driving, and the man sat in the passenger seat.

The mother was driving much slower than everyone else. People were screaming and horns were blaring.

A police officer pulled her over and asked why th...

Proud University Graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing

their graduation gowns.

Cab Driver : “Are you graduates from the city university?”

Young Graduates: “Yes, sir,” they announced proudly. “Class of 2021.”

Cab Driver : ...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives..

Car owner virus

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

The mother of a wealthy, shrewd businessman passed away.

In liquidating her assets he took a large quantity of gold jewelry to a blacksmith. On the way into the shop, he noticed a large sign near the entrance that read, “NO PRODUCTS OR ITEMS MAY BE STORED AT THE SHOP. ITEMS LEFT FOR LONGER THAN 24 HOURS BECOME PROPERTY OF JACK BLACKSMITHING!”

He to...

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Superman's extended family

Many of you know Kal-El (superman) and his father Zor-El, even his cousin supergirl.

Did you know he has several other loosely related relatives that also traveled to earth as infants and were raised here? Here are a few.

1) he has a cousin that was raised in Mexico, hardworking guy. H...

I've been waiting to have my legs extended to become taller

I guess it's a lengthy process.

Adult life is nothing but waiting for your IT ticket to be resolved...

...I tried rebooting now all I see is this blue screen with text telling me about my car’s extended warranty

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.

Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment

Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.

"This spell's tro...

In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab.

This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.

What happens if you spin an oriental person around really fast for an extended period of time?

They become disoriented.

So I got extended sick leave from my job...

What happened is I called up my boss from home, and I said, "Hey, I can't come in today. I'm coming up with something."

And the boss man says, "Don't you mean 'coming down with something?'"

I said, "Yeah, but I'm still coming up with what I'm coming down with."

Now I can stay ho...

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Bianca's boyfriend (Brad) goes on a business trip...

A week goes by, and Brad gives Bianca the bad news that his business trip would be extended to one more week. Bianca, starting to feel a bit horny was not excited to hear the news but she thought "its just one more week, I can wait."

The second week goes by and Brad is still not home, so Bian...

Did everyone catch The Season Finale of the Apprentice President?

I think it received huge ratings, it was an extended episode that went into the night.

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What kind of pokemon is a vagina that's just had an extended session of hard sex?

Vulvasore :D

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Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

A Spanish man, an Italian man, and an English man are seated together on a flight to the US.

As they talk during the flight, they discover that they are all on extended business trips, and they each spent their last night at home making love to their wives.

The Spanish man says, "I made love to my wife three times, and when it was time for me to leave she cried and cried for me to st...

Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.

Bilbo is 7' 6" now.

A man calls 911

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.

"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."

"Okay", the operator says. "Ple...

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A new store opened up in our town called Store E

It started off as a small store, but as they got more money, they added more items and extended their store several times. It go to the point I had to walk for 10 minutes to get to my favorite jerky. So one day I rented a bulldozer and to make a long Store E short, I bulldozed half the store

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

A friend recently asked me if I had ever known a kid who was going places

I told him that I knew a blind kid who was definitely going somewhere. It was this boy in a first grade class that I was an assistant in. Everyone bullied him cause of his disability, kids are pretty terrible after all. They didn’t care about him or who he was, I’d wager half of them didn’t even ...

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

Why was Six afraid of Seven? 7️⃣

Because Seven had two priors and extended probation and got his nickname in prison for how many minutes it took. "Took what?" You ask? You don't wanna know.

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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An unexpected outcome of quarantine for men is when you realize that

your balls have never experienced such extended periods of freedom.

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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Respect

So a son with an 90 year old dad needs to take an extended business trip. As his dad can no longer care for himself, he needs to find a spot in some assisted living place.

Unfortunately, all of the Jewish homes are full. Luckily the son finds a Christian organization that takes his dad.
...

MY friend wanted to be buried with all of his cash.

A millionaire friend of mine found out that he had cancer. Being unmarried and with no children, he wanted to make sure none of his extended family got any of his money so we came up with a plan.

He would leave all of his money to me with the express instructions that I was to bury him with ...

During quarantine - Lonely at home

I am lonely at home quarantined:

Day 1. Oh, that's nice.

Day 3. I read books and rest.

Day 5. I bingwatched "Friends".

Day 7. I talked to the washing machine, but I had worse days.

Day 9. My washing machine is angry. I never had worse days.

Day 11. I'm fine…...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

A new redditor comes to r/jokes

"Welcome!" Exclaims r/jokes.

"Hi," says the redditor, "tell me a funny joke please."

"Alright. Let me see what i can find." Replys r/jokes before heading off

While the redditor waits they, binge the entirety of Game of Thrones, watch the entire extended directors cut of...

The unfaithful wife

A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfai...

Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..

A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's gaze, the ...

In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco

There will be a special edition OJ trim level:

Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

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Have you heard of the parable of the long spoons? It goes something like this:

A man was once taken on a tour of hell and was surprised by what he saw: All hell’s inhabitants sat at long tables in a dining room, spoons in their hands, the best smelling and best looking food to have ever graced a dining room filled the air with an exquisite aroma.

But all the diners’ arm...

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A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh

A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh for a convention with his associate preacher and they decide to take the train.

At the station, the pastor tells his associate to have a seat while he purchases their tickets.

After standing in line at the ticket counter for an extended period of time...

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My lifelong friend had never been kissed..

My lifelong friend and I were hiking around some hills and cliff-sides when she suddenly stopped and turned to the edge of the cliff. I asked her,

“Hey, what’s on your mind?”

She replied,

“I’ve never been kissed in my life and it’s suddenly hit me”

So naturally being a go...

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