Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

Covid restrictions on the NFL are so tight

Even the Chiefs didn’t show up

Due to travel restrictions this year...

United States had to organize coups at home

These Covid travel restrictions are getting a bit much..

.. things are so bad, the US had to organise a coup at home!

I’m confused - The Left are telling me that COVID social restrictions and vaccines are the way forward, whilst Trump supporters are saying lets get group immunity from many catching it

I feel I’m stuck between a woke and a herd place

To everyone's surprise , our Mexican neighbors got the city to sign for a bill to restrict loud noisess

Nobody expects the Spanish din petition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

So tired of all these restrictions...

I'm getting so tired of all these quarantine-related restrictions.

For example, I just found out today that when I'm in public the governor is requiring me to wear pants.

Anyone planning on attending their non-conformist church now that COVID restrictions are lifted?

Remember to bring your mask. Always practice safe sects.

...I'll see myself out.

I can’t believe Trump is putting the condition of his hair above environmental water restrictions!

That speaks volume.

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

“A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”

Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy!

Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;

Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;

Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

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In what circumstance would a fan restrict airflow?

When you are hanging from it.

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

Political correctness has gotten so restrictive these days. Now I can't even say, "Black paint."

I have to say, "Please paint that wall, Tyrone."

You know what I have to say about Islamic dietary restrictions?

HA LAL

Spanglish joke

A lady in a tight skirt is at the front of a line of people trying to get on a bus. She starts to climb the stairs but stops, apparently unable to lift her feet high enough due to the restrictive skirt.

A man behind her attempts to pick her up, and she swats his arms away, saying "ya lo pues"...

The 12 Days of Corona

In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery S...

What's the biggest restriction with my current diet?

My jeans.

Uber teams up with Lyft to fight ride-sharing restrictions in Germany

Deutschland Uber allies was probably a bad choice for the name of the coalition.

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

The parking spot on Richard III's grave was restricted...

Only two-door cars were allowed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Oh those Russians

Suddenly there are a lot of covid cases in Russia. Vladimir needs to Putin a lot of restrictions on the people. Else the city will start Kremlin to pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medical Friend Just Sent Me This Lockdown Update

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the maj...

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

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THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"



"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you ho...

A Finnish man turns to his friend...

"You hear the restrictions are lifting up from 2m?"

His mate replies: "Finally we can go back to the usual 5m."

What is Trump's favorite workout?

Lifting restrictions.

Rabbi Schwartz and Father O’Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch

Father O’Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, “This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?

Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, “A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

never argue with a woman who reads.....It”s likely she can also think.

In th AM husband returns the boat to their lakeside cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude...

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

Even The Proclaimers have been affected by the coronavirus

The government has urged them to restrict their walk to 5 miles

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

All these people posting about invading Area 51..

All they need to do is change the “restricted area” signs to “now hiring” and “now recruiting” and it’ll lower the numbers by at least half.

TIL children had to stay a certain distance away from Kings in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

Three nuns die and go to heaven at the same time......

....when they arrive they find St Peter at the gate looking concerned.
“I’m afraid we are nearly full, so we are restricting entry to those who can answer my questions correctly”.
The nuns feeling confident say “fire away.”
“Ok, question 1. Where was Jesus born?”. Nun #1 steps up and...

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same g...

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you’re expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the...

Holy Water at the Bar

So a villager walks into the alehouse and notices holy water on the menu.

He asks the bartender why there is holy water on the menu.

The bartender replies that the priests in the village have been trying to restrict people's drinking habits.

The villager then asks how holy water...

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.

Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do old men snore when they sleep?

Because their testicles block their butthole, which restricts the airflow to the body.



I was told that this was a favorite joke of my great grandma. Figured I'd share

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An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you t...

/r/Jokes, a public service announcement: search the punchline before you post your joke.

Often times, when a joke hits the top of this sub, it gets passed around and subsequently reposted many times in a short period. It can be difficult searching for the joke, since everyone uses different titles, but the search function not only searches titles but the content of posts as well. If you...

Love is like a roller-coaster

It'll seem scary at first, it's happens fast, it has its ups, it has its downs, but what's most important is that you meet it's size restrictions.

Don't worry about losing health care under the Trump administration

We won't need it after the EPA starts restricting oxygen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[META] What would you think about a monthly "best joke" thread?

I mean, a thread created once a month where everyone submits their best jokes. I think it could work out nicely if done correctly.

The main problem to be addressed would be repetition (without restrictions we could easily end up with identical threads every month). For that reason, it may be ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Panda walks into a restaurant...

And the host, thinking this is a little out of the ordinary, asks the panda if he is here to eat.

"Of course." says the panda.

A little ashamed, the host walks the panda to a table and tells him the waiter will be along shortly. Soon enough the waiter comes along and asks the panda wha...

Common scene

Q: Why are condoms transparent?

A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

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