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Qualified Jokes

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

It’s tough finding journalists qualified to report on rhythm sections

They need to cover all the basses and can’t miss a beat.



I'm reposting this joke until somebody finds it funny beside me.

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

Why are women more qualified than men to be in space?

They were born to handle a vacuum

Interviewer: "Why do you think you are qualified to work as a physcologist?"

Me: "Well, why do *you* think I'm qualified to work as a physcologist?"

Interviewer: "You're hired."

I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology.

So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.

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I'm not even qualified to suck my own dick.

I would know, I tried.

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

Why are Kangaroos only qualified to be teachers?

Because they're Kangurus

I always seek approval from a qualified architect before removing my condom.

After all, it is load bearing.

"Forget everything you learned in college, you won't need it working here"

"But I never went to college."

"I'm sorry, you're under-qualified to work here."

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

Two equally well-qualified men applied for the same job...

The manager, at a loss of what to do, decided to give them a written test. After time was up, both men handed the test to the manager, who went to his office. He promptly returned, and told the two men that they had both scored a 9/10 on the test, getting the same problem wrong. He then shook the fi...

Do you know how many North American teams qualified for LOL worlds 2019 group stage?

N/A

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Four equally qualified applicants interview for a job position...

...and the interviewer says to them all, "I'm glad you have all made it this far, and honestly I didn't expect all four of you to impress me as much as each of you did. However, you can't all get the job. This final interview will decide who gets the job. I will ask you all the same question, and wh...

We've got a new opening that you are qualified for!

Really? What is it?!

The exit.

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A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

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Winky

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire y...

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane...

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, an...

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

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A woman playing golf drives off from the tee and hits a man with her golf ball.

He put his hands between his legs, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

She rushed over to him and offered to relieve his pain stating she was a qualified Doctor. Reluctantly he agrees.

She gently takes his hands away and unzips his trousers. She puts her hands inside and gen...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

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I went to the doctors' this morning...

"It's my testicles, doctor." I told her. "One of them isn't normal."

"Excuse me?" She said, rather abruptly. "Are these your certificates on the wall? Did you spend the best part of a decade earning a medical degree? Is that your name on this office door? Are YOU a doctor?"


"Err, n...

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the...

Started teaching my son and his friends Karate...

I'm not qualified I just really enjoy kicking children.

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

Jesus is walking past the pearly gates one day when St. Peter asks him to fill in for a while so he can take a break. Jesus is a bit concerned and protests that he doesn't know the admissions procedure. St. Peter tells him it's easy, just look up the name in The Book and pass judgement, and that Jes...

I turned up for my new job at the local police station today ....

but they arent very supportive. All the could say was "you arent qualified", "why are you naked" and "we can't catch him because he is covered in baby oil"

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy applying for the same job......

The boss looks over their resumes, sees they are all equally qualified, and can't decide who to hire. He decides to give them a test.

Boss: Fellas, I can't decide who gets the job, you are all equal in
every way. So here's a question, whoever gives me the best
an...

Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,

The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"

Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"

The boss said " good...

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the s...

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You have to hand it to Trump

Obama proved that a competent, intelligent black man was qualified enough to be the President of the United States. Trump proved that *any* black man was qualified to be President.

The only people who don't have to get the vaccine are cops. . .

Because they have qualified immunity.

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

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They say "Those who can't do, teach"

As a redditor, I am fully qualified to teach sex ed

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A woman tells her husband, "Honey, I've thought this through. I'm going to become a hooker."

"We're barely making ends meet", she adds, "you can't take any more of your job, and forgive me Lord, but there isn't a job I'm qualified for that pays better."

"So it has come to this. I can't say I'm fully comfortable with the idea, but you're right: right now, it's our only way up. I love ...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to ...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

I laughed in disbelief when I saw Kanye West was running for president.

But with his recent incoherent twitter ramblings, he seems like he is more than qualified.

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

Th...

Mom- "you should apply to work at the white house"

Me- "why? I'm not qualified."

Mom- "that's the point nobody in the current administration is."

I have a joke on babies...

But I'm not qualified to deliver them.

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

An oil prospector is waiting at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter had some bad news for an oil prospector who appeared at the pearly gates of heaven: “You’re qualified for admission,” said St. Peter, “but, as you can see, the section for oil prospectors is packed. There’s no way to fit you in.”

After a moment, the prospector asked to say just four...

Science joke

I would tell you a joke about helium, but I don’t feel qualified to talk about..
He he he

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

I'm writing a book on Impostor Syndrome!

Actually, wait a minute. Whatever made me think *I* was qualified to do that?

\*trudges off disconsolately\*

Job search

A company was hiring for a position and it came down to two guys , Joe and Larry. After the company put them in a room and had them take a written test, they were brought before the hiring manager to hear the decision. The manager said you both are extremely qualified and you scored identically on t...

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

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A woman decided to join a biker gang to see what it was like...

After talking with the club president, a burly tough-looking guy, she was told that she was going to be asked some questions that would be used to decide if she qualified. She had never done anything illegal and had no idea what they expected, so she decided to put on her best bad girl act to impres...

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A man is applying for a position at Comcast

interviewer: So what makes you think you're qualified for this position?
man: Well, to be honest, I think it's in my genes.
interviewer: You mean you have family members who have worked for Comcast?
man: No, I mean my grandfather was a Nazi.

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[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

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The Irony of the World Cup rules...

The Japanese qualified for the next round because they have less yellow

My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.

The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

The Job Interview

Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.

He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.

Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the ot...

I agree with Trump and Clinton,

Neither one is qualified to be president.

Three guys go into an interview at the local telephone company

Three guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm go...

In addition to asking presidential candidates for birth certificates, they definitely need to start asking this.

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how u...

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

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My go to joke- Guy sees “piano player wanted” sign window..

So he goes in, says he wants the job. Manager says, “alright, but 1st I gotta see if you’re qualified” So he plays a song and it drops the managers jaw “wow! That was amazing, was that Beethoven??” “No” the man replies “that’s an original. I call it ‘your tits are so big, my eyes are poppin outta my...

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Sailor went to sea

A sailor, newly qualified, joins a ship on a long sea voyage. And he asks the first mate what they do for fun. The first mate says "we have a barrel with a hole in it, and everyone gets to stick his dick inside. Have a go". So the sailor tries it and it's an amazing feeling. Ecstatically he says to ...

Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

A tradie driving along when he sees a sign outside a house saying: “Talking dog for sale – $20.”

He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up, gets out and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, he’s just round the back,” the owner says, and sure enough there’s the dog with his elbow on the fence chatting away to the next-door neighbour.
“I can’t believe it!” says the tradie. “You can really talk?”
...

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Just took an acting class....

Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player

A Chinaman walks into a brothel

He asks the Maître D for a job application. She asks him, "What is your name, and what makes you think you're qualified to be a male escort?"
The man responds, "I'm Hung, and I'm hung."

r/Jokes is looking for a new Mod

We are getting little swamped with the queues and our lives, we could really use the help of a qualified individual.

Up-mods and down-mods don't matter in this thread, so don't try to push your app to the top.

Requirements:

* **An Active User** Being a Mod is hard work and will...

My friend returned home all disappointed after his unsuccessful job interview.

I asked him, “You seem well qualified. Why didn’t you get the postman’s job?”


“I don’t know. I wonder if it has something to do with me writing ‘stamp collections’ as my hobby.”

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