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Python Jokes

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States

After all, nobody expects the American composition

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In honor of Terry Jones and his passing, he is my favorite Monty Python joke

Drinking American beer is like having sex in a canoe. Its fucking close to water

A Python Executable Message that Describes this Sub. Yes it really runs...

this = we = 1

# Start reading here...
try:
def ending(your, self):
for reposting in [this.__sub__]:
while we:
raise 'hell'
except:
None and None

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A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.


Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks h...

What kind of neighborhood was Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks located in?

A gaited community.

Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

She was caught trying to import pandas!

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

What do you call a Monty Python-themed nightclub?

The CopaCaerbannog

What coding language do you think God uses?

Probably not Python right?

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

Why do some people think Python scripting is offensive?

Because white space matters. hehee

Why does the Python live on land?

Because it's above C-level

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

Why is Voldemort so good with computers?

He's fluent in Python

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

I remember the day my son found out the neighbor's python wasn't venomous

he was crushed.

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Having sex in a bunch of python compilation errors

It's fucking *indents*

I remember this from a Monty Python

"My dog has no nose!" Says one man. His friend asks "well how does he smell?" "Stinky!"

What were the favorite Linux text editors of 8 randomly selected Monty Python fans?

vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, emacs, and vim.

What do you call Monty Python if it's filled with corn?

Del Monte Python

A mother asks her Python programmer son what he wants for Christmas...

He says "I'd like 1 bike please."

So off his mother goes to buy him a bike.

Christmas morning comes, and the boy has opened all of his presents.

"Where's my other bike?!" He screams,

"I asked for 1 you only got me 0?!"

Why did the python programmer run into the pole?

He couldn't C it.

Don't worry, i'll cout<<"myself";

Quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail

is as easy as 1-2-5

What do you call Rowan Atkinson watching Monty Python?

A jellybean.

Why did the python return his pants?

They were too constricting.

Programmers make bad dating partners

A JavaScript developer will make empty promises and not call you back.

A Java developer will act classy but he’ll treat you as an object.

And a Python developer will take up all the space and everything will move too slow anyway.

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tall tales and being a man

A few of us were sitting around a campfire. One of my buddies, he's a park ranger, was telling us about this huge bear that was going to attack a family and he had to wrestle it to the ground. Wound up killing it with his bare hands.

Well, after he was done talking we all took a few more sips...

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Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

I need to get a new friend

I’ve been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python

After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn’t work at ...

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

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A little girl walks into a pet store...

A little girls walks into a pet store and looks up at the owner with her big brown eyes.

"Mister," she said in a quite voice, "I would like a little bunny rabbit".

The owner looks down at her with a smile. "And what type of bunny rabbit would you like?" He responded, "A brown little ...

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

How do you seduce a female programmer?

1: Be proficient in Python

2: Have a big python

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Three men are standing before the gates of heaven

All three men were not really good or bad in life. So the angel at the gates offered for them to be reincarnated instead. But they could only go back as newborn animals. All three men accepted. Then they were told to run off the edge of a nearby cliff and say what they wanted to be reincarnated as a...

A little girl walks into a pet store...

A little girl walks into a pet store and approaches the clerk. "Im looking for a wabbit" she says.

The clerk, taken aback by how adorable this girl is, asks "Aww, well would you like a white wabbit, or a brown wabbit?"

The little girl replies "I dont think my python gives a thit"

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

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The Programming Language Competition (OC)

The programming languages are in a competition to see who's the best.

Java makes the brackets. In the major bracket, C++ is against C#. Binary is against assembly. C is against Java. Visual Basic is against PHP. Perl is against JavaScript.

And Python is in the lowest bracket, with al...

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As a programmer, I had a shit day

I spilled Java all over my paper, found a Python in my backpack, and to top it all off, I got a C++ on my final exam.

What was a python's first words?

print("s" \* 10)

What do you call a hypothetical situation where a snake chases an asian from point A to point B

A Python-Korean Theorum

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

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I oppose all this sex on the television.

I mean, I keep falling off.

(credit to monty python)

What kinda snake has a lisp?

A Mike Python

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