Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

I thought my mouse was dead.

But it's alive and clicking.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

I have decided to call my new mouse Elvis

Don’t you know it’s caught in a trap and can’t walk out..

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Micky and Minnie Mouse were having relationship problems

It got so bad, Micky decided to call his lawyer. After explaining his situation, Micky's lawyer said, "Micky, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's silly". Micky responded, "I didn't say she was silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!".

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

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Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

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The Elephant and the Mouse

An elephant and a mouse are walking through the woods. The elephant falls into a deep hole. The mouse says “stay calm, I’m gonna go get my big lifted truck and pull you out”. So the mouse gets his truck and pulls the elephant out.
The next day, the elephant and the mouse are walking and this tim...

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Mickey mouse goes to a lawyer about getting a divorce

The lawyer says "Look Mickey, I understand you want a divorce but you can't get one just because you think your wife Minnie is really stupid"

Mickey replies "I didn't say she was stupid, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

What’s a mouse’s favorite game?

Hide and squeak.

What’s the difference between a hot girl and a mouse?

One charms the he’s and the other harms the cheese.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse in the divorce courts

And the judge says to Mickey
"I'm sorry Mickey I just cannot grant you a divorce as just because you think Minnie is ugly"

And Mickey says
" I didn't say she was ugly I said she was fucking Goofy"

what do you call a married mouse that stays home?

a mousewife.

I was putting the batteries in my mouse

Until the owner of the pet store kicked me out

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died..

Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.

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A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

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Mickey Mouse wants a divorce

So he goes to see a divorce lawyer.

Mickey: ... and that’s the situation.

Lawyer: you can’t get a divorce from Minnie just because she’s a little weird.

Mickey: you don’t get it, she’s really fucking Goofy.

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

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Mickey Mouse and His Lawyer

Mickey Mouse calls his lawyer, he doesn’t answer and leaves a message.

A few hours later the lawyer listens to the message and calls back Mickey

“Hey Mick listen I understand you want to divorce Minnie but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for a divorce.”

Mick...

Disney is attempting to take over and brainwash our country by bringing back '80s Mickey Mouse merchandise

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

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The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

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Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"

Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

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Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window.

He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.

After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad new...

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

Roses are Red, Silent as a mouse...

Your door is unlocked, I’m inside your house

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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...

...I said she was fucking Goofy!

In a parallel universe, mouse scientists just cured cancer!

But alas it only works in lab humans

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

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Three mice are arguing over who is the hardest mouse.

The first mouse says, "I'm so hard I eat cheese with rat poison".

The second mouse says, " That's not as hard as me, I snort rat poison for breakfast".

The third mouse walks away and the others ask why it is leaving. The third mouse states, "I don't have time for this, I'm off to fuc...

Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow?

It was done in Minnie's handwriting.

Digital Milk

What do you call a computer mouse for a cow?...

a Moose!

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Two mice are walking down a New York sidewalk.

A beautiful woman passes them. The first mouse says “Wow! Did you see the ass on her?!” The other mouse responds “It was nice, but I’m a titmouse myself.”

Watch where you eat or it’ll watch you

I ordered Chinese from a local place, went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving

I thought wtf is that?

Has something gotten into the bag?

I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I was driving so I pulled over, lean...

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The Fish and The Fly (Long)

Out in the woods one day there’s a Fish watching a fly. Fish is thinking to himself man if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna jump up out of that water and get me a tasty dinner.

Now there’s a bear watching the fish watching the fly. Bear says man if that fly drops six inches I’m gonna get me...

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

I told my friend about a defective mouse..

But he seemed unamused. I guess it just didn't click.

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Two male mice sucked each other’s dicks

Later they talked about the incident.

Mouse#1: It was pretty disgusting what we did

Mouse#2: I know. But I only did it for the cheese

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

What’s a mouses least favorite type of music

Trap music

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mouse...

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NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

I went to the Doctors and told him kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....

The Doc said not to worry...you're just having Disney spells...

Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

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Mickie and Minnie

Mickie Mouse returns home one day after a long day of work at Disney. He opens his front door to hear a great commotion coming from the bedroom. He quickly runs up the stairs and throws open the bedroom door to find Minnie in bed with his best friend Goofy.

Outraged he gets into a fight w...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse divorce

In the courtroom the judge says to Mickey, “Mr Mouse, I don’t see any evidence to support your charge that Mrs Mouse has become insane”. Mickey gets a confused look on his face and says, “Judge, I never complained that she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy”.

Dad: what mouse walks on 2 feet?

Me:
Dad: Mickey Mouse
Dad: What duck walks on 2 feet?
Me: Donald Duck?
Dad: All ducks, dumbass

Saw a Dog killing then eating a Mouse the other day!

I thought to my self
“F-it he just cut out the middle man!”

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A man walks into a pub [NSFW]

As he sits down, a man in rags walks in. All the people start chanting, with hostility, "rat fucker! Rat fucker!" The stranger sits down next to the man, ignoring all the insults, orders a pint, then splits.

The second day, the man comes back, and the same stranger walks in, to the chants of ...

What sounds like a mouse, but much, much louder?

#**A MOUSE**

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There is a fly.... (medium)

Hovering near the surface of a mountain lake. Over on the shore sits a frog. The frog says “If the fly drops four inches, I can eat him.”

Just below the surface of the lake is a fish. The fish sees the frog and says “If the fly drops for inches, the frog can get the fly, and I can get the fro...

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and s...

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump

One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".

After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

What is Minnie Mouse's father's name?

Massive Mouse

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

I got mad and threw my mouse at the wall because it wasn’t working..

I don’t know why the people at the vet are giving me that look.

What did the big mouse say to the little mouse.?

Pipsqueak

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

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Mickey and Donald were sitting in a bar(credit to u/KamehameHanSolo)

So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are sitting at a bar and Mickey sighs and says to Donald, "So Minnie finally decided to leave me."

"Good riddance, you're better off without her," Donald says, "Just last week you were telling me how crazy she is."

Mickey looks at him and says, "Donald, ...

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The fly

There is this fly hovering over a river.

There is a fish looking at this fly thinking if this fly drops 6 inches then I could get that fly.

There is a bear looking at the fish thinking if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes for the fly I can get that fish.

There is a h...

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

What did the mama cheese say to the mouse?

Please leave Provolone!

Three mice walk into a bar…

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with t...

(From facebook) my pet mouse Elvis just died.

He was 'caught in a trap'

Which NBA player has moves like a mouse?

S. Curry

Why did the mouse go to the Swiss Bank?

To take out a provolone.

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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.

"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?


"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce beca...

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Terrible Timing

Mom and dad are getting ready for their 'sexy time' night. Mom is in the bathroom freshening up and dad is putting on a condom. As he's doing this, their son walks into the room.

Dad rolls off the bed, embarrassed, and pretends to be looking under the bed.

"What are you doing, daddy?",...

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?

He wanted to find Pluto!

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Mouse and a bear find a genie lamp

A mouse and a bear find a genie lamp in the woods. The bear rubs it and a genie pops out and says,
"Thank you for freeing me, for doing so I grant you both three wishes each."

The bear went first and said, "I wish the entire earth was covered in forests," and the genie makes the whole eart...

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