UPJOKE
rodenthouse mousecatratpetsquirrelhamstercomputer mousefield mousedogsneakcreepsnakeanimaldisease

"I don't think it's a mouse because it doesn't have a tail. I think it's a hamster."

Sigh... Fine... right-click the hamster.

Mickley Mouse: "My knee hurts!"

Doctor: "Which knee?"

Mickey: "Disney."

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Mickey Mouse was in divorce court and the judge was looking over his file. Judge: So, Mickey it says here you want to divorce your wife because she’s been acting crazy?

Mickey: No, haha I said she’s fucking Goofy

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

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Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist.

Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist once a week about his wife Minnie. This session Mickey starts to talk about his relationship and after about 5 minutes, the psychologist says “yes, Mickey, I get it. Minnie is fucking crazy!” Mickey, aggravated, says “you don’t get it, doc. I’m not saying Minn...

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My girlfriend has a pussy like a mouse's ear.

Mickey's, unfortunately.

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

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Little mouse runs up to mama mouse

- Mommy, mommy, I've got a new boyfriend, take a look-see!
She reaches into her mouse-pocket and takes out her mouse-wallet in which she has stuck a photo.
- Oh dear, I don't want to disappoint you but it looks like an ordinary bat! - says mama mouse. Little mouse bursts in tears.
- That ba...

A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole

after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in th...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.

He talks to them both briefly and then starts one to one sessions. He talks to Minnie first in private. He comes out and approaches Mickey and says "I cannot see any evidence of your wifes insanity" to which Mickey replies "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"

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A guy has a mouse stuck in his ass

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says "Don't worry, I've seen this before" and asks the man to bend over for an exam. Immediately, the doctor sees the nose of the mouse. The doctor says that he knows exactly what to do and he will be right back as he exits the room.

The doctor comes bac...

The early bird may get the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

A joke from my 10-year-old - what kind of car would a mouse or rat drive?

A Mouse-or-ratty

Disneyland will be opened in Chernobyl. As always, at the entrance, the visitors will be greeted by a 7-feet-tall mouse.

But this time, a real one.

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer

Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazy

Mickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

Totally failed to make a Mickey Mouse pancake…

I could only get the two ears done. I think this one is a bust !

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Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar…

bragging about how tough they are. First mouse says, “Listen mice, I’m so tough, I bench press the bar on a rat trap every morning.” Second mousse sneers, “Ha! I put rat poison in my cereal, and eat two bowls for breakfast every morning!” The third mouse finishes his beer, belches, and says, “Pussi...

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The fly

There was a fly hovering 12 inches above the water in a lake
A fish in the lake was watching the fly, knowing that if the fly drops six inches it could jump out of the water and catch it.
A bear hidden in the woods, was watching the fish that was watching the fly knowing that if the fly drops ...

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How is your wife's vagina like the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

It's fun inside to come inside.

Jesus and Satan on computer

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,...

My Pet Mouse Elvis Died Today

He Was Caught In A Trap

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

What mouse was a roman emperor?

Julius Cheeser

I thought my mouse was dead.

But it's alive and clicking.

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill the mouse?

He's an ex-Terminator

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Have you heard the one about the fly?

There was a fly, and he was flying about 4 inches above this stream.

Well in the stream there was this Trout, the Trout was thinking to himself, " Man, if that fly dropped down about 4 inches I could grab that little shit and have myself a nice little snack. "

Well, what the Trout di...

I have decided to call my new mouse Elvis

Don’t you know it’s caught in a trap and can’t walk out..

"Is it bad if a Cat follows you?"

"That depends. Are you a man or a Mouse?"

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Mickey mouse goes to a lawyer about getting a divorce

The lawyer says "Look Mickey, I understand you want a divorce but you can't get one just because you think your wife Minnie is really stupid"

Mickey replies "I didn't say she was stupid, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

What’s a mouse’s favorite game?

Hide and squeak.

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Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

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The Elephant and the Mouse

An elephant and a mouse are walking through the woods. The elephant falls into a deep hole. The mouse says “stay calm, I’m gonna go get my big lifted truck and pull you out”. So the mouse gets his truck and pulls the elephant out.
The next day, the elephant and the mouse are walking and this tim...

Wooden mice

One day a Ukrainian man walked into his favorite bar and asked his friend the bartender to spot him a beer until payday. The bartender told him, I\`m sorry my friend . I would but the owner has put in these new cameras to watch what we do. I would get caught and fired. The Ukrainian man says, that\`...

I put some batteries in my mouse yesterday

And now I’m banned from the pet store

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

What’s the difference between a hot girl and a mouse?

One charms the he’s and the other harms the cheese.

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

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A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

what do you call a married mouse that stays home?

a mousewife.

What sounds like a mouse, but much, much louder?

#**A MOUSE**

What does a mouse play his music with?

A bluetooth squeaker.

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

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The Fly (a tad long, but bear with me)

On a hot midsummer afternoon a fly was hovering over a pond thinking, "if I just go two inches down, the moisture from the pond will cool me".

But, unknown to the fly, a fish was watching the fly from under the water thinking, "if the fly comes just two inches down, I can jump up and gobble i...

Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...

...I said she was fucking Goofy!

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Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"

Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

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Mickey Mouse and His Lawyer

Mickey Mouse calls his lawyer, he doesn’t answer and leaves a message.

A few hours later the lawyer listens to the message and calls back Mickey

“Hey Mick listen I understand you want to divorce Minnie but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for a divorce.”

Mick...

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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mouse...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse divorce

In the courtroom the judge says to Mickey, “Mr Mouse, I don’t see any evidence to support your charge that Mrs Mouse has become insane”. Mickey gets a confused look on his face and says, “Judge, I never complained that she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy”.

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

Disney is attempting to take over and brainwash our country by bringing back '80s Mickey Mouse merchandise

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

I went to the Doctors and told him kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....

The Doc said not to worry...you're just having Disney spells...

I told my friend about a defective mouse..

But he seemed unamused. I guess it just didn't click.

I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

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Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window.

He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.

After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad new...

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow?

It was done in Minnie's handwriting.

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

What’s a mouses least favorite type of music

Trap music

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

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Mouse and a bear find a genie lamp

A mouse and a bear find a genie lamp in the woods. The bear rubs it and a genie pops out and says,
"Thank you for freeing me, for doing so I grant you both three wishes each."

The bear went first and said, "I wish the entire earth was covered in forests," and the genie makes the whole eart...

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

What is Minnie Mouse's father's name?

Massive Mouse

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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.

"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?


"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce beca...

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

Roses are red, silent as a mouse...

your door is unlocked, I’m inside of your house.

Saw a Dog killing then eating a Mouse the other day!

I thought to my self
“F-it he just cut out the middle man!”

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

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