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Mickley Mouse: "My knee hurts!"

Doctor: "Which knee?"

Mickey: "Disney."

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Mickey Mouse goes to a divorce lawyer...

Lawyer: Mr. Mouse, you can't divorce Minnie because she's a little nutty.

Mickey: I didn't say she was a little nutty, I said she was fucking Goofy!

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Mickey Mouse was in divorce court and the judge was looking over his file. Judge: So, Mickey it says here you want to divorce your wife because she’s been acting crazy?

Mickey: No, haha I said she’s fucking Goofy

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

"I don't think it's a mouse because it doesn't have a tail. I think it's a hamster."

Sigh... Fine... right-click the hamster.

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

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Mickey mouse has a cousin who kisses everyone:

Hickey mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who is a special teams player for the Miami Dolphins:
Kickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who loves performing cunnilingus:
Lickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who is very particular:
Pickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has ...

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Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist.

Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist once a week about his wife Minnie. This session Mickey starts to talk about his relationship and after about 5 minutes, the psychologist says “yes, Mickey, I get it. Minnie is fucking crazy!” Mickey, aggravated, says “you don’t get it, doc. I’m not saying Minn...

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My girlfriend has a pussy like a mouse's ear.

Mickey's, unfortunately.

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The Moral of the Story

There once was a fly, hovering above a pond.

The fly was thinking "I'm awfully thirsty, I think I'll go down to the pond and have a drink."

What the fly didn't know was that a fish was watching him thinking "That fly is looking awfully thirsty. When he comes down to get something to d...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.

He talks to them both briefly and then starts one to one sessions. He talks to Minnie first in private. He comes out and approaches Mickey and says "I cannot see any evidence of your wifes insanity" to which Mickey replies "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"

A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole

after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in th...

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A guy has a mouse stuck in his ass

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says "Don't worry, I've seen this before" and asks the man to bend over for an exam. Immediately, the doctor sees the nose of the mouse. The doctor says that he knows exactly what to do and he will be right back as he exits the room.

The doctor comes bac...

Last bowl of Chili

A man rushes into a diner and sits down at the counter. He asks the waiter for a bowl of Chili.

Waiter points to a man 3 seat down and says "He got the last one"

Man looks at the guy just staring down at the bowl. He asks "Are you gonna eat that? If not I'll take it."

The dine...

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Little mouse runs up to mama mouse

- Mommy, mommy, I've got a new boyfriend, take a look-see!
She reaches into her mouse-pocket and takes out her mouse-wallet in which she has stuck a photo.
- Oh dear, I don't want to disappoint you but it looks like an ordinary bat! - says mama mouse. Little mouse bursts in tears.
- That ba...

A joke from my 10-year-old - what kind of car would a mouse or rat drive?

A Mouse-or-ratty

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer

Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazy

Mickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!

Disneyland will be opened in Chernobyl. As always, at the entrance, the visitors will be greeted by a 7-feet-tall mouse.

But this time, a real one.

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

My Pet Mouse Elvis Died Today

He Was Caught In A Trap

Totally failed to make a Mickey Mouse pancake…

I could only get the two ears done. I think this one is a bust !

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Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

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A mouse walks into a bar

and asks the bartender:

\- Is the cat asleep?

\- Yes.

\- Alrighty then, pour me some.

The mouse drinks a shot and walks away.

This repeats a few times. Eventually, the same (noticeably drunk) mouse comes back and asks:

\- Is the cat asleep?

\- Yes....

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3 mice debating who is the toughest.

First mouse says "I'm the toughest. I eat the cheese straight off the mouse trap".

Second mouse says "I'm the toughest I bench press the mouse trap, let it slam down and catch the cheese between my teeth"

3rd mouse takes a long drag of his cig, blows the smoke out, taps the cig like ...

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How is your wife's vagina like the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

It's fun inside to come inside.

The early bird may get the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

I thought my mouse was dead.

But it's alive and clicking.

What mouse was a roman emperor?

Julius Cheeser

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill the mouse?

He's an ex-Terminator

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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Mickey mouse goes to a lawyer about getting a divorce

The lawyer says "Look Mickey, I understand you want a divorce but you can't get one just because you think your wife Minnie is really stupid"

Mickey replies "I didn't say she was stupid, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

I have decided to call my new mouse Elvis

Don’t you know it’s caught in a trap and can’t walk out..

What’s a mouse’s favorite game?

Hide and squeak.

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Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar…

bragging about how tough they are. First mouse says, “Listen mice, I’m so tough, I bench press the bar on a rat trap every morning.” Second mousse sneers, “Ha! I put rat poison in my cereal, and eat two bowls for breakfast every morning!” The third mouse finishes his beer, belches, and says, “Pussi...

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The fly

There was a fly hovering 12 inches above the water in a lake
A fish in the lake was watching the fly, knowing that if the fly drops six inches it could jump out of the water and catch it.
A bear hidden in the woods, was watching the fish that was watching the fly knowing that if the fly drops ...

Inspired by people getting new pets to cope with the pandemic, I got myself a wonderful mouse

Great for gaming.

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The Elephant and the Mouse

An elephant and a mouse are walking through the woods. The elephant falls into a deep hole. The mouse says “stay calm, I’m gonna go get my big lifted truck and pull you out”. So the mouse gets his truck and pulls the elephant out.
The next day, the elephant and the mouse are walking and this tim...

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

What’s the difference between a hot girl and a mouse?

One charms the he’s and the other harms the cheese.

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

I put some batteries in my mouse yesterday

And now I’m banned from the pet store

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

What sounds like a mouse, but much, much louder?

#**A MOUSE**

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A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse divorce

In the courtroom the judge says to Mickey, “Mr Mouse, I don’t see any evidence to support your charge that Mrs Mouse has become insane”. Mickey gets a confused look on his face and says, “Judge, I never complained that she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy”.

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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...

...I said she was fucking Goofy!

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

what do you call a married mouse that stays home?

a mousewife.

What does a mouse play his music with?

A bluetooth squeaker.

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Have you heard the one about the fly?

There was a fly, and he was flying about 4 inches above this stream.

Well in the stream there was this Trout, the Trout was thinking to himself, " Man, if that fly dropped down about 4 inches I could grab that little shit and have myself a nice little snack. "

Well, what the Trout di...

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

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Mickey Mouse and His Lawyer

Mickey Mouse calls his lawyer, he doesn’t answer and leaves a message.

A few hours later the lawyer listens to the message and calls back Mickey

“Hey Mick listen I understand you want to divorce Minnie but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for a divorce.”

Mick...

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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mouse...

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Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"

Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

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Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window.

He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.

After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad new...

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

I went to the Doctors and told him kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....

The Doc said not to worry...you're just having Disney spells...

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Mouse and a bear find a genie lamp

A mouse and a bear find a genie lamp in the woods. The bear rubs it and a genie pops out and says,
"Thank you for freeing me, for doing so I grant you both three wishes each."

The bear went first and said, "I wish the entire earth was covered in forests," and the genie makes the whole eart...

I told my friend about a defective mouse..

But he seemed unamused. I guess it just didn't click.

Disney is attempting to take over and brainwash our country by bringing back '80s Mickey Mouse merchandise

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

"Is it bad if a Cat follows you?"

"That depends. Are you a man or a Mouse?"

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

What’s a mouses least favorite type of music

Trap music

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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.

"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?


"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce beca...

What is Minnie Mouse's father's name?

Massive Mouse

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

Roses are red, silent as a mouse...

your door is unlocked, I’m inside of your house.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

A man is rushed into the emergency room, exclaiming that someone dressed as Mickey Mouse had broken his knee.

“Which knee?” Says the doctor

The man, pointing at his right leg, says “dis knee!”

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