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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Mickley Mouse: "My knee hurts!"

Doctor: "Which knee?"

Mickey: "Disney."

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Mickey Mouse in divorce court

Judge: "So let me get this straight, Mr. Mouse. You said you want to divorce Ms. Minnie Mouse because she is really crazy?"

Mickey: "No, I said she was fucking goofy!"

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My girlfriend has a pussy like a mouse's ear.

Mickey's, unfortunately.

Totally failed to make a Mickey Mouse pancake…

I could only get the two ears done. I think this one is a bust !

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer

Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazy

Mickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!

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How is your wife's vagina like the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

It's fun inside to come inside.

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Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

What mouse was a roman emperor?

Julius Cheeser

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's ...

My Pet Mouse Elvis Died Today

He Was Caught In A Trap

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill the mouse?

He's an ex-Terminator

I thought my mouse was dead.

But it's alive and clicking.

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

Mice

A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.

The small mice were very impressed. “That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that...

I have decided to call my new mouse Elvis

Don’t you know it’s caught in a trap and can’t walk out..

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Micky and Minnie Mouse were having relationship problems

It got so bad, Micky decided to call his lawyer. After explaining his situation, Micky's lawyer said, "Micky, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's silly". Micky responded, "I didn't say she was silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!".

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

What’s a mouse’s favorite game?

Hide and squeak.

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Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

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The Elephant and the Mouse

An elephant and a mouse are walking through the woods. The elephant falls into a deep hole. The mouse says “stay calm, I’m gonna go get my big lifted truck and pull you out”. So the mouse gets his truck and pulls the elephant out.
The next day, the elephant and the mouse are walking and this tim...

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Mickey mouse goes to a lawyer about getting a divorce

The lawyer says "Look Mickey, I understand you want a divorce but you can't get one just because you think your wife Minnie is really stupid"

Mickey replies "I didn't say she was stupid, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

What’s the difference between a hot girl and a mouse?

One charms the he’s and the other harms the cheese.

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

A rodent just ran through my kitchen…

I got him with my Mickey Mouse club.

What does a mouse play his music with?

A bluetooth squeaker.

what do you call a married mouse that stays home?

a mousewife.

Secret Service

A new recruit is assigned to the president's protection team. Trump and his family are crossing the white house lawn to board the helicopter when a deranged man jumps out from behind a tree with an automatic weapon. He is drawing down on the family and the new recruit rushes up and shouts at him "Mi...

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

I put some batteries in my mouse yesterday

And now I’m banned from the pet store

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

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A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

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The Fly

There was a fly flying six inches above the river. There was a fish in the river that said if that fly drops six inches I’ll have my dinner.

There was a bear at the river, and the bear said if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly I can get the fish, and I’ll have my dinner....

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

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Mickey Mouse wants a divorce

So he goes to see a divorce lawyer.

Mickey: ... and that’s the situation.

Lawyer: you can’t get a divorce from Minnie just because she’s a little weird.

Mickey: you don’t get it, she’s really fucking Goofy.

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Mickey Mouse and His Lawyer

Mickey Mouse calls his lawyer, he doesn’t answer and leaves a message.

A few hours later the lawyer listens to the message and calls back Mickey

“Hey Mick listen I understand you want to divorce Minnie but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for a divorce.”

Mick...

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

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Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"

Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

Disney is attempting to take over and brainwash our country by bringing back '80s Mickey Mouse merchandise

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

A young cowboy walks into a dirty old Cafe in Montana.

He takes a seat at the counter and notices an old cowboy next to him with his arms crossed staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili.

A few minutes go by and the young cowboy gets the courage to speak up "Sir, if you ain't gonna eat that would you mind if I did?"

"It's all yours f...

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

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Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window.

He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.

After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad new...

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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mouse...

Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow?

It was done in Minnie's handwriting.

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

I told my friend about a defective mouse..

But he seemed unamused. I guess it just didn't click.

Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

What’s a mouses least favorite type of music

Trap music

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

What sounds like a mouse, but much, much louder?

#**A MOUSE**

I went to the Doctors and told him kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....

The Doc said not to worry...you're just having Disney spells...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse divorce

In the courtroom the judge says to Mickey, “Mr Mouse, I don’t see any evidence to support your charge that Mrs Mouse has become insane”. Mickey gets a confused look on his face and says, “Judge, I never complained that she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy”.

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

Saw a Dog killing then eating a Mouse the other day!

I thought to my self
“F-it he just cut out the middle man!”

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

What is Minnie Mouse's father's name?

Massive Mouse

Roses are red, silent as a mouse...

your door is unlocked, I’m inside of your house.

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Mouse and a bear find a genie lamp

A mouse and a bear find a genie lamp in the woods. The bear rubs it and a genie pops out and says,
"Thank you for freeing me, for doing so I grant you both three wishes each."

The bear went first and said, "I wish the entire earth was covered in forests," and the genie makes the whole eart...

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

What did the big mouse say to the little mouse.?

Pipsqueak

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.

"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?


"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce beca...

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

What did the mama cheese say to the mouse?

Please leave Provolone!

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

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