Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

What do you call a wizard

who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis..

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

What do you call a buff wizard?

Dumbbell dore

Why do witches and wizards do well in English class?

They're really good at spelling

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

What is a headmaster of a wizard school called when falling down the stairs?

Tumbledore

Q. If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are all wizards, then why can’t they cast spells to kill those who oppose them?

A. Because they don’t have any access to black magic.

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

What do you call a wizard on a dating app?

Bumbledor

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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

Who is the only ISP allowed in the Wizarding World?

AOwL

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A man was unsatisfied with his small penis

He expressed his problem to a friend. His friend suggested that he should go and visit a wizard who was living on a cliff just outside the town. So the man, in hopes, went to visit that wizard. He reached the base of that cliff and started searching for ways to climb his way up. Luckily he found a r...

Melania Trump goes to see a wizard...

and asks him to lift a curse that a priest put on her many years ago. The wizard says he can help her, but he needs to know the exact words of the curse.

"I now pronounce you man and wife," she says.

What do you call a dyselxic, amateur wizard?

Dude who can barely spell.

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

Back in the days of olde, there was this wizard.

He wasn't a very good wizard, in fact he really only had one spell, he could cause things to swirl. At first this seemed like a rather useless power, until he stopped a thief by making the water in a small creek swirl into a whirlpool as the thief tried to wade across. Later, he foiled an evil kni...

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

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A wizard walked up to three men on the street.

The wizard said “I put a spell on you three. Whenever you run and jump while shouting something that you want, you will get what you shouted.”
The three men were very excited.
The first man ran and jumped while shouting “money!”. A big stack of money appeared in front of him.
The second ma...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

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3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

I overheard some people talking about the english language.

I decided to put in my two cents worth. One said that the English language is confusing. "It's," I agreed. The other said, "Oh yeah? Have you had an education on it?" "I've," I responded. "So what? You some kinda english wizard or something?" I responded simply, "Some would say: I'm."

Oz

Policeman: Name please?

Man: The Wizard of Oz

Policeman: Your FULL name

Man: (quietly) The Wizard of Ounces

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

How much are tickets to wizards’ sporting events?

About a quid each

What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

Church service

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

What do you call a wizard who seduces pastries?

A pyromancer!

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an Indian man, an English man, and a American are forced to jump of a building by a wizard

the wizard says you have to jump off, but while you fall whatever you say will appear below you.

the English man jumps off and says "pillows" and lands on a pile of pillows

the Indian jumps off and says "hay" and lands on a pile of hay

the American jumps off and yells "oh crap!"

With Covid ravaging the wizarding world, Hagrid ushers a coughing Potter back to his dorm.

"You're a hazard, wheezy."

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I once met a Wizard who offered me the choice of a long penis or a long memory.

I forget which one I chose.

What do you call a wizard who uses ice magic?

A Blizzard!

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Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

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The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

Wizard: A fox prophesied doom!

King: Foxes lie. Why'd you listen to a Fox for news?

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What do you call a wizard who is good at calculus?

A mathemagician

What do you call a wizard without the 'd'?

A witch.

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You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.

What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"

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3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

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What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

What do you call a wizard that specializes in raising horses from the dead?

A Neighcromancer

There's a guy lives near me who is straight-up a wizard.

I was following him driving a tractor yesterday, and he turned it into a field.

Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.

No one could hold a candle to him.

Why couldn't the wizard go on his quest?

He had a staff infection

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

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A man Goes to a Wizard for penis enlargement.

He crossed many rivers and oceans and finally reached to said location. There he saw a huge mountain he reached the top and saw the Wizard there..

Man : Hey i suppose you are that famous Wizard that can increase my Dick size?

Wizard : Yes, take these medicines and take them regularly....

What do you call a wizard who made their hair weed?

Harry Pot-hair

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

Witches and wizards don't fart.

They cast smells.

What do you call a happy wizard who makes eyeglasses?

Opti-Mystic

What do you call a hot dog wizard?

A sau-sage

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

A man and a wizard are having a dispute.

In a fit of rage, the wizard places a curse on the man.

"Now you can only speak using the names of animals!" Shouts the wizard.

The man replies, "Whale, owl bee."

Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.

The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.

The second wizard cries "W...

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Three people are stranded on an island with a wizard

The wizard tells them “When you climb those trees,whatever you ask for will be at the top waiting for you.”
The first guy climbs and yells “Money!” and he becomes rich.
The second guy yells “A boat full of money!”,and he uses the boat to leave the island
The third guy climbs the tree and sa...

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

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I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

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Donald Trump goes to the Wizard of Oz for some help...

He tells the wizard, "I have the best brains, the best heart and the best courage of anyone, but if I'm going to win this election I need to make sure that everyone knows."

The Wizard of Oz looks at him and says, "so you don't need brains, heart or courage? You just need to convince others t...

What spell did Harry Potter use to end the Wizarding War?

Expelliarmistice

J. K. Rowling originally called the secret wizarding area hidden in London Diagon Square.

But then she decided to come at it from a different angle.

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

What do you call a Wizard in a Frat House?

An Abracadabro.

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan

Cast iron

Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?

Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

What do you call a group of wizards?

A staff meeting.

Three men are walking in the desert.

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drin...

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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

What do you call a wizard that keeps falling over?

Stumbledore

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

How are wizards banished?

They're expelled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE...

Three guys walk into a wizard's bar

They are greeted by an old man with a long beard at the bar who introduces himself as the bartender.

"Tonight only, for just $100, you can have an endless glass of anything in this bar!"

"Yeah right!" The first guy says. "Bet you can't get me an endless, cold Moosehead!"

With a ...

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

What do you call a moile in the Harry Potter wizarding world?

Professor Snip

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.

Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment

Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.

"This spell's tro...

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

A wizard once turned me into a block of cheese...

I was very grateful.

What caused the wizard’s business to fail?

He paid too much for his staff

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

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What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

What kind of doors to wizards use?

Gryffindoors

What do you call a wizard who enjoys eating people?

A Vorelock

Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.

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