What do you call a wizard who kisses just below the chin?

A neck romancer.

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

How do you call a wizard that works with political marketing?

Propagandalf.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

It is possible for a dark wizard to reanimate a dead body

This has never been tested, but it should work inferi.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun

The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints

The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes...

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan

Cast iron

What spell did Harry Potter use to end the Wizarding War?

Expelliarmistice

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

What do you call the wizard that sticks to the wall?

Harry Poster

The Wizard of Oz was imperial.

Bit the Wizard of CC was metric.

I dated a wizard once

They gave me hogwarts.

It wouldn’t quidditching.

What do you call a moile in the Harry Potter wizarding world?

Professor Snip

How are wizards banished?

They're expelled.

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

Everyone is familiar with the story of the Wizard of Oz, right?

Dorothy and her dog get flown away in a tornado, and end up in the magical land of Oz. Obviously Dorothy misses her family and home, but her dog, Toto, he misses the rains down in Africa."

Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.

The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.

The second wizard cries "W...

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You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

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3 men meet at the top of a tall building with a wizard

The wizard said "If you jump off the building and say the name of an object, that object will appear beneath you."

The first guy, being the luckiest, jumps and yells "PILLOWS." Pillows appear beneath him and he lands on them safely.

The second guy jumps and yells "HAY." He lands safely...

I've waited all my life to meet a wizard.

Imagine how upset I was to find out it was just a racist old man in a white hood.

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

What do you call a group of wizards?

A staff meeting.

What do you call a wizard that divorced his wife?

Dr. Estranged

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

Why Ku klux klan is loved in wizarding world?

Because everybody hates black magic practitioners.

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Three men and a wizard are on a roof.....

The wizard says if they jump off and say something they will land on that.
The first guy goes and yells, "pillows!" And lands on some pillows.
The next guy goes and yells "mattresses!" And lands on some mattresses.
The next guy goes to jump and trips and falls and says "Oh Crap!"

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

Witches and wizards don't fart.

They cast smells.

What did the wizard say at the frat party?

Abracadabro.

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

Did you hear about the wizard who directed a film?

He really made movie magic

What do you call a wizard that brews great coffee?

The half and halfblood prince

A man goes to see a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says,

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe..." says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies,

"I pronounce you man and wife."

What do you call a wizard with wireless headphones?

Airy-Podder

Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

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What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?

Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

What do you get when you give a wizard wireless earbuds?

Airy Podder

What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

What do you call a wizard that likes to give hickeys?

A Necromancer.

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

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(NSFW) A man had a 16 inch Dick.

Poor guy. He couldn't get any gals.


He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.


"I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."
Poor guy.

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and ...

What is the scarecrow in The Wizard of OZ want?

c'mon, it's a no-brainer.

The Wizarding World is real!

Come on dad, you can take the Cloak of Invisibility off now.

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years. One day, a wizard feeling sorry for them, brought them to life for 30 minutes...

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them, "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go..."

The statues loo...

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

How many are eight Wizards of Oz?

One Wizard of Cups

What kind of doors to wizards use?

Gryffindoors

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

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A wizard came to my house once.

He started turning my tables to jars, chairs to jars, plates to jars and everything to jars.

What really pissed me off was when he left the door ajar.

What do you call a wizard who enjoys eating people?

A Vorelock

A wizard once turned me into a block of cheese...

I was very grateful.

"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.

Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment

Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.

"This spell's tro...

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

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How does a wizard have casual sex?

They hit it and quidditch

The wizard was driving down the street

When suddenly he turned into a driveway.

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

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I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

What do you call a wizard that keeps falling over?

Stumbledore

What's the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?

One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.

Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.

I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.

I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

What caused the wizard’s business to fail?

He paid too much for his staff

Two wizards were having an argument.

One of them was saying that magic is produced by the person casting the spell. The other argued that it is drawn out of the air around them and the spell-caster simply acts as a focal point for the magic. They decided to seek some help.

The two wizards set off to visit Drahn the Wise, who was...

Ghost Wizard loves puns.

“You’re in a most GRAVE situation now!”

“You don’t stand the GHOST of a chance!”

Ghost Wizard chuckles to himself. But behind the smiling facade, he’s feeling even more dead inside.

What’s the difference between a wizard and a spelling bee contestant?

One can conjure spells, the other can spell “conjure”

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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

Why was the albino, glasses-wearing man okay with a wizard turning him into a cool looking bug?

He was a pretty fly, four eyed, white guy.

There once was a wizard who never hesitated to try new spells. But then he turned himself into a dog...

That gave him pause.

Three guys walk into a wizard's bar

They are greeted by an old man with a long beard at the bar who introduces himself as the bartender.

"Tonight only, for just $100, you can have an endless glass of anything in this bar!"

"Yeah right!" The first guy says. "Bet you can't get me an endless, cold Moosehead!"

With a ...

A wizard steps on someone's foot and says

Oh my gosh I am sorcery

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?

Soycery

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Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE...

Why did the wizard lose his job?

He got outsorced.

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...

Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?

Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs

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Have you heard about the homosexual wizard?

He disappeared with a poof

Which wizard would be the worst professor?

Gandalf, because YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Three men are walking in the desert

Three men are walking in a desert when they stumble across a wizard next to a magical slide
‘Slide down this ride shout out the name of your favorite drink’ the wizard commands

The three men question his logic but never the less the first man climbs to the top of the slide and begins t...

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Movie Quiz

Try this quick and easy test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It Really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 19 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

\- Pick a number from 1 to 9

\- Multiply by 3
...

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ME: The Wizard told me to choose between a good memory and a big dick

GIRL : Wow.. Which did you pick?
ME: I can't remember.

If FemDom is enjoying being dominated by women...

Is wisdom enjoying being dominated by Wizards?

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