This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

A lawer, a surgeon, and a janitor are going on a camping trip...

when they discover a magical wizard. He says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The lawyer says, "Easy! I'll be a kindergarten teacher! How hard can it be to read to a bunch of little kids?" He gets transported into a classroom. He starts off stron...

Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.

The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.

The second wizard cries "W...

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

How are wizards banished?

They're expelled.

I've waited all my life to meet a wizard.

Imagine how upset I was to find out it was just a racist old man in a white hood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

How do you call a wizard dog?

Labracadabrador

Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

What do you call a group of wizards?

A staff meeting.

What do you call a wizard that divorced his wife?

Dr. Estranged

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

Wizard of Oz joke

Police man: what is your name?

Man: the Wizard of Oz

Policeman: your FULL name

Man: (quietly) The Wizard of Ounces

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men meet at the top of a tall building with a wizard

The wizard said "If you jump off the building and say the name of an object, that object will appear beneath you."

The first guy, being the luckiest, jumps and yells "PILLOWS." Pillows appear beneath him and he lands on them safely.

The second guy jumps and yells "HAY." He lands safely...

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

What do you call a wizard that brews great coffee?

The half and halfblood prince

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men and a wizard are on a roof.....

The wizard says if they jump off and say something they will land on that.
The first guy goes and yells, "pillows!" And lands on some pillows.
The next guy goes and yells "mattresses!" And lands on some mattresses.
The next guy goes to jump and trips and falls and says "Oh Crap!"

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

What did the wizard say at the frat party?

Abracadabro.

Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

Witches and wizards don't fart.

They cast smells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

What do you call a wizard with wireless headphones?

Airy-Podder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

A man goes to see a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says,

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe..." says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies,

"I pronounce you man and wife."

What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

What do you get when you give a wizard wireless earbuds?

Airy Podder

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

If FemDom is enjoying being dominated by women...

Is wisdom enjoying being dominated by Wizards?

Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?

Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

What do you call a wizard that likes to give hickeys?

A Necromancer.

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

What kind of doors to wizards use?

Gryffindoors

How many are eight Wizards of Oz?

One Wizard of Cups

A wizard once turned me into a block of cheese...

I was very grateful.

What do you call a wizard who enjoys eating people?

A Vorelock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a wizard have casual sex?

They hit it and quidditch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard came to my house once.

He started turning my tables to jars, chairs to jars, plates to jars and everything to jars.

What really pissed me off was when he left the door ajar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years. One day, a wizard feeling sorry for them, brought them to life for 30 minutes...

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them, "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go..."

The statues loo...

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

What do you call a wizard that keeps falling over?

Stumbledore

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.

I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

What's the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?

One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.

The wizard was driving down the street

When suddenly he turned into a driveway.

A wizard steps on someone's foot and says

Oh my gosh I am sorcery

What caused the wizard’s business to fail?

He paid too much for his staff

Two wizards were having an argument.

One of them was saying that magic is produced by the person casting the spell. The other argued that it is drawn out of the air around them and the spell-caster simply acts as a focal point for the magic. They decided to seek some help.

The two wizards set off to visit Drahn the Wise, who was...

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

What’s the difference between a wizard and a spelling bee contestant?

One can conjure spells, the other can spell “conjure”

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

Ghost Wizard loves puns.

“You’re in a most GRAVE situation now!”

“You don’t stand the GHOST of a chance!”

Ghost Wizard chuckles to himself. But behind the smiling facade, he’s feeling even more dead inside.

Three guys walk into a wizard's bar

They are greeted by an old man with a long beard at the bar who introduces himself as the bartender.

"Tonight only, for just $100, you can have an endless glass of anything in this bar!"

"Yeah right!" The first guy says. "Bet you can't get me an endless, cold Moosehead!"

With a ...

Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

There once was a wizard who never hesitated to try new spells. But then he turned himself into a dog...

That gave him pause.

Why was the albino, glasses-wearing man okay with a wizard turning him into a cool looking bug?

He was a pretty fly, four eyed, white guy.

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?

Soycery

Why did the wizard lose his job?

He got outsorced.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the homosexual wizard?

He disappeared with a poof

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends what you want it to change into...

Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?

Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs

What's the leading cause of death for wizards?

Untreated staff infections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man had a 16 inch Dick.

Poor guy. He couldn't get any gals.


He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.


"I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."
Poor guy.

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ME: The Wizard told me to choose between a good memory and a big dick

GIRL : Wow.. Which did you pick?
ME: I can't remember.

A very wise wizard came up to me while I was struggling to finish my test.

I thought he would have helped, but unfortunately he told me that I shall not pass.

Which wizard would be the worst professor?

Gandalf, because YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

I went to the fancy dress shop the other day but they couldn't help me complete my wizard costume

You just can't get the staff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?

M'rauders Map

Pastor in the KKK

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.