The 105+ Best Wizard Jokes

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you ...

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

What do you call a wizard who specializes in dairy based magic?

A lactomancer.

Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.

Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.

What do you get if you cross a non-violent Indian with an anti-Semitic art school reject and a wizard?

Gandolf

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

..............a wizard beneath the sheets!’

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad
man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has
been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak t...

What do you call a wizard falling down a staircase?

Tumbledore

What do you call a buff wizard?

Dumbbell dore

Why do witches and wizards do well in English class?

They're really good at spelling

What do you get when you cross a young wizarding student with a large "water horse?"

A Harrypottermus!

I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.

It was intense.

Horrible lie

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

Where do evil wizards do their shopping?

Volde Mart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

What’s the difference between women and wizards?

One gets wet without water, bleeds without being injured, make boneless things hard and bring new souls into the world from a portal, and the other is an old man with a hat.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

What is the most prevalent STI wizards and witches get?

Hog warts.

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

What do you call a wizard on a dating app?

Bumbledor

Melania Trump goes to see a wizard...

and asks him to lift a curse that a priest put on her many years ago. The wizard says he can help her, but he needs to know the exact words of the curse.

"I now pronounce you man and wife," she says.

What do nerds and racists have in common?

They both aspire to be wizards.

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

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Two snakes are slithering through the desert

Suddenly, they see a camel. One snake says: “Yo, follow me, let’s pull a prank on that camel over there!”

The other says: “Oh for fuck’s sake, pranking the wizard wasn’t enough for ya?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard walked up to three men on the street.

The wizard said “I put a spell on you three. Whenever you run and jump while shouting something that you want, you will get what you shouted.”
The three men were very excited.
The first man ran and jumped while shouting “money!”. A big stack of money appeared in front of him.
The second ma...

I asked Siri a joke, this was her response

In a faraway kingdom, a greedy young nobleman and his bodyguard went to the local wizard. The nobleman said, "Make my wish come true, or I shall have you arrested!"
"Fine," said the Wizard, "what do you want?"
" want to be sat upon the throne forever, to be clad in the finest velvet, and to br...

Who is the only ISP allowed in the Wizarding World?

AOwL

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The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

What do you call a wizard who seduces pastries?

A pyromancer!

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an Indian man, an English man, and a American are forced to jump of a building by a wizard

the wizard says you have to jump off, but while you fall whatever you say will appear below you.

the English man jumps off and says "pillows" and lands on a pile of pillows

the Indian jumps off and says "hay" and lands on a pile of hay

the American jumps off and yells "oh crap!"

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

What do you call a wizard without the 'd'?

A witch.

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I once met a Wizard who offered me the choice of a long penis or a long memory.

I forget which one I chose.

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.

No one could hold a candle to him.

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

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A man Goes to a Wizard for penis enlargement.

He crossed many rivers and oceans and finally reached to said location. There he saw a huge mountain he reached the top and saw the Wizard there..

Man : Hey i suppose you are that famous Wizard that can increase my Dick size?

Wizard : Yes, take these medicines and take them regularly....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

Witches and wizards don't fart.

They cast smells.

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

How much are tickets to wizards’ sporting events?

About a quid each

There's a guy lives near me who is straight-up a wizard.

I was following him driving a tractor yesterday, and he turned it into a field.

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

Wizard: A fox prophesied doom!

King: Foxes lie. Why'd you listen to a Fox for news?

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

What do you call a wizard who made their hair weed?

Harry Pot-hair

What do you call a wizard that specializes in raising horses from the dead?

A Neighcromancer

Why couldn't the wizard go on his quest?

He had a staff infection

Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

A man and a wizard are having a dispute.

In a fit of rage, the wizard places a curse on the man.

"Now you can only speak using the names of animals!" Shouts the wizard.

The man replies, "Whale, owl bee."

What do you call a hot dog wizard?

A sau-sage

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Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE...

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A man was unsatisfied with his small penis

He expressed his problem to a friend. His friend suggested that he should go and visit a wizard who was living on a cliff just outside the town. So the man, in hopes, went to visit that wizard. He reached the base of that cliff and started searching for ways to climb his way up. Luckily he found a r...

What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years. One day, a wizard feeling sorry for them, brought them to life for 30 minutes...

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them, "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go..."

The statues loo...

What do you call a happy wizard who makes eyeglasses?

Opti-Mystic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan

Cast iron

Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

What spell did Harry Potter use to end the Wizarding War?

Expelliarmistice

Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.

The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.

The second wizard cries "W...

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

What caused the wizard’s business to fail?

He paid too much for his staff

What do Wilt Chamberlain and David Duke have in common?

They were both wizards under the sheets

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

A wizard once turned me into a block of cheese...

I was very grateful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three people are stranded on an island with a wizard

The wizard tells them “When you climb those trees,whatever you ask for will be at the top waiting for you.”
The first guy climbs and yells “Money!” and he becomes rich.
The second guy yells “A boat full of money!”,and he uses the boat to leave the island
The third guy climbs the tree and sa...

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?

Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs

What do you call a tea drinking wizard?

A cup and sorcerer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ME: The Wizard told me to choose between a good memory and a big dick

GIRL : Wow.. Which did you pick?
ME: I can't remember.

What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?

Soycery

J. K. Rowling originally called the secret wizarding area hidden in London Diagon Square.

But then she decided to come at it from a different angle.

What do you call a group of wizards?

A staff meeting.

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

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