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Wizard Jokes

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.
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What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.
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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

What do you call a buff wizard?

Dumbbell dore
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What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir
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Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.

Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.
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Ever heard of the wizard with the poor sense of balance?

He only knows dizzy spells.
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.
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What do you call a wizard falling down a staircase?

Tumbledore
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The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...
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What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.
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What’s a wizard’s favorite class in school?

Spelling
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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

Wizard

A man comes into a bar and orders a beer.
He lets out a deep sigh, which prompts the bartender to ask if he’s okay. The man says to the bartender: «I’m afraid I’m turning into some kind of wizard.»

«How would you know?» asks the bartender.

«Well, I’ve worked in a bakery making san...
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Man goes to a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says:

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
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What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.
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Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

Did you hear about the wizard named Sloppy Joe?

He was a Manwich.
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A Fighter, a Rogue, a Wizard and a Cleric walk into a dungeon...

The fighter says "Keep an eye out for mimics!"

"Got it!" said the Rogue.

"No problem!" said the Wizard.

"Of course!" said the Cleric.

"Psh! Mimics aren't real!" said the treasure chest.
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You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.
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A man was unsatisfied with his small penis

He expressed his problem to a friend. His friend suggested that he should go and visit a wizard who was living on a cliff just outside the town. So the man, in hopes, went to visit that wizard. He reached the base of that cliff and started searching for ways to climb his way up. Luckily he found a r...

Where do evil wizards do their shopping?

Volde Mart.
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Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell
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Witches and wizards don't fart.

They cast smells.
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Why did the wizard get canceled?

Abuse of staff
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..............a wizard beneath the sheets!’

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad
man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has
been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak t...
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I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.


It was intense.
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If I was the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, I know what I’d be singing

Oh, I’d while away the hours
Wanking in the flowers
My heart all full of song

I’d be guilding every lily
As I waved about my Willy
If I only had a schlong

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you ...
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What do you get when you cross a young wizarding student with a large "water horse?"

A Harrypottermus!
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How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"
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If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.
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Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....
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4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...
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What do you call a wizard with a feather wand?

A plumage.
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What's the difference between a wizard's wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for...

... apprehending criminals.
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The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.
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What is the most prevalent STI wizards and witches get?

Hog warts.
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The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.
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Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers
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Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.
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PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense
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What do you call a wizard who specializes in dairy based magic?

A lactomancer.
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What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.
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What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!
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Back in the days of olde, there was this wizard.

He wasn't a very good wizard, in fact he really only had one spell, he could cause things to swirl. At first this seemed like a rather useless power, until he stopped a thief by making the water in a small creek swirl into a whirlpool as the thief tried to wade across. Later, he foiled an evil kni...
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What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS
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How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.
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How much are tickets to wizards’ sporting events?

About a quid each
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What do you call a hot dog wizard?

A sau-sage
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3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.
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What do you call a wizard on a dating app?

Bumbledor
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Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.
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What do nerds and racists have in common?

They both aspire to be wizards.
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Who is the only ISP allowed in the Wizarding World?

AOwL
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I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

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Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE...

What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus
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What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"
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What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter
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3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

What do you call a wizard without the 'd'?

A witch.
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Why couldn't the wizard go on his quest?

He had a staff infection
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How are wizards banished?

They're expelled.
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A man and a wizard are having a dispute.

In a fit of rage, the wizard places a curse on the man.

"Now you can only speak using the names of animals!" Shouts the wizard.

The man replies, "Whale, owl bee."
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Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.
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What caused the wizard’s business to fail?

He paid too much for his staff
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Three guys walk into a wizard's bar

They are greeted by an old man with a long beard at the bar who introduces himself as the bartender.

"Tonight only, for just $100, you can have an endless glass of anything in this bar!"

"Yeah right!" The first guy says. "Bet you can't get me an endless, cold Moosehead!"

With a ...
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Wizard: A fox prophesied doom!

King: Foxes lie. Why'd you listen to a Fox for news?
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Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...
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A man Goes to a Wizard for penis enlargement.

He crossed many rivers and oceans and finally reached to said location. There he saw a huge mountain he reached the top and saw the Wizard there..

Man : Hey i suppose you are that famous Wizard that can increase my Dick size?

Wizard : Yes, take these medicines and take them regularly....

Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.

The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.

The second wizard cries "W...
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Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.
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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...
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What do you call a happy wizard who makes eyeglasses?

Opti-Mystic
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The wizard was driving down the street

When suddenly he turned into a driveway.
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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

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Donald Trump goes to the Wizard of Oz for some help...

He tells the wizard, "I have the best brains, the best heart and the best courage of anyone, but if I'm going to win this election I need to make sure that everyone knows."

The Wizard of Oz looks at him and says, "so you don't need brains, heart or courage? You just need to convince others t...

What did the wizard say at the frat party?

Abracadabro.
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There's a guy lives near me who is straight-up a wizard.

I was following him driving a tractor yesterday, and he turned it into a field.
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What do you call a group of wizards?

A staff meeting.
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What do you call a wizard that specializes in raising horses from the dead?

A Neighcromancer
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Two wizards were having an argument.

One of them was saying that magic is produced by the person casting the spell. The other argued that it is drawn out of the air around them and the spell-caster simply acts as a focal point for the magic. They decided to seek some help.

The two wizards set off to visit Drahn the Wise, who was...
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What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!
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What do you call a wizard who made their hair weed?

Harry Pot-hair
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How does a wizard have casual sex?

They hit it and quidditch

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.
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Three people are stranded on an island with a wizard

The wizard tells them “When you climb those trees,whatever you ask for will be at the top waiting for you.”
The first guy climbs and yells “Money!” and he becomes rich.
The second guy yells “A boat full of money!”,and he uses the boat to leave the island
The third guy climbs the tree and sa...

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.
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What kind of doors to wizards use?

Gryffindoors
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What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?

Soycery
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What do you call a wizard with wireless headphones?

Airy-Podder
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How many are eight Wizards of Oz?

One Wizard of Cups
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Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.
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A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!
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Why did the wizard lose his job?

He got outsorced.
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With Covid ravaging the wizarding world, Hagrid ushers a coughing Potter back to his dorm.

"You're a hazard, wheezy."
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Did you hear about the wizard who directed a film?

He really made movie magic
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Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?

Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs
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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

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