Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

What do you call a wizard

who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis..

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

Who is the only ISP allowed in the Wizarding World?

AOwL

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

What is the favorite school of magic for cow wizards?

Moodoo

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Indian man, an English man, and a American are forced to jump of a building by a wizard

the wizard says you have to jump off, but while you fall whatever you say will appear below you.

the English man jumps off and says "pillows" and lands on a pile of pillows

the Indian jumps off and says "hay" and lands on a pile of hay

the American jumps off and yells "oh crap!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard walked up to three men on the street.

The wizard said “I put a spell on you three. Whenever you run and jump while shouting something that you want, you will get what you shouted.”
The three men were very excited.
The first man ran and jumped while shouting “money!”. A big stack of money appeared in front of him.
The second ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

How much are tickets to wizards’ sporting events?

About a quid each

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

Wizard: A fox prophesied doom!

King: Foxes lie. Why'd you listen to a Fox for news?

What do you call a wizard who seduces pastries?

A pyromancer!

Three men are walking in the desert.

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drin...

What do you call a wizard who uses ice magic?

A Blizzard!

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once met a Wizard who offered me the choice of a long penis or a long memory.

I forget which one I chose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

What did Hagrid say to Harry after he was bitten by Lupin?

Yer a hairy wizard

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

What do you call a wizard without the 'd'?

A witch.

What do you call a wizard who made their hair weed?

Harry Pot-hair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a magician that's taking a piss?

A wizard

A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.

What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

What do you call a wizard who is good at calculus?

A mathemagician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This Is A Horrible Lie. I Am Embarrassed And Do Not Intend To Accept This. Now, I Want The Party Who Said This To Stand And Ask Forgiveness From God ."
No One Moved.

The Preacher Continued, “Do You Have The Nerve To Face Me And Admit This Is A Falsehood? Remember, You Will Be Forgiven And ...

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

What do you call a wizard that specializes in raising horses from the dead?

A Neighcromancer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

There's a guy lives near me who is straight-up a wizard.

I was following him driving a tractor yesterday, and he turned it into a field.

Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.

No one could hold a candle to him.

Why couldn't the wizard go on his quest?

He had a staff infection

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man Goes to a Wizard for penis enlargement.

He crossed many rivers and oceans and finally reached to said location. There he saw a huge mountain he reached the top and saw the Wizard there..

Man : Hey i suppose you are that famous Wizard that can increase my Dick size?

Wizard : Yes, take these medicines and take them regularly....

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

What do you call a happy wizard who makes eyeglasses?

Opti-Mystic

What do you call a hot dog wizard?

A sau-sage

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

A dentist graduated from Hogwarts...

He’s now known as the “Wizard of Aahhhs”

Witches and wizards don't fart

They cast smells.

A man and a wizard are having a dispute.

In a fit of rage, the wizard places a curse on the man.

"Now you can only speak using the names of animals!" Shouts the wizard.

The man replies, "Whale, owl bee."

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

What do you call a Wizard in a Frat House?

An Abracadabro.

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

My dad is a wizard

He can turn whiskey into domestic violence

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

What spell did Harry Potter use to end the Wizarding War?

Expelliarmistice

How are wizards banished?

They're expelled.

Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.

The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.

The second wizard cries "W...

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

J. K. Rowling originally called the secret wizarding area hidden in London Diagon Square.

But then she decided to come at it from a different angle.

What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan

Cast iron

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

What do you call a group of wizards?

A staff meeting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?

Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

What do you call a moile in the Harry Potter wizarding world?

Professor Snip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fisherman is out fishing on a lake when he hears far off in the distance a man yelling “help me help me”...

At first he decides to ignore it. But then hears the man yell “ help me, I’m a wizard, if you help me I’ll grant you any wish you want”

So he rows over to help him and pulls him onto his boat.

“Thanks” says the man “now I can grant you three wishes”

*I wish I had a giant mansion...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard came to my house once.

He started turning my tables to jars, chairs to jars, plates to jars and everything to jars.

What really pissed me off was when he left the door ajar.

What do you call a wizard that keeps falling over?

Stumbledore

Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

Why no black wizard fight Death Eater in Harry Potter?

Bc they are busy with fighting against grand wizards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.

Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment

Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.

"This spell's tro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

What do you get when you give a wizard wireless earbuds?

Airy Podder

A wizard once turned me into a block of cheese...

I was very grateful.

What caused the wizard’s business to fail?

He paid too much for his staff

What do you call a wizard that brews great coffee?

The half and halfblood prince

What kind of doors to wizards use?

Gryffindoors

Did you hear about the wizard who directed a film?

He really made movie magic

How many are eight Wizards of Oz?

One Wizard of Cups

For my first cake day, I would like to share a truly terrible joke I heard from my brother

On the day my friend discovered my reddit account he couldn't believe his eyes. How had I got so much karma? He didn't think it possible. Naturally, for days on end he asked and begged to know. I didn't want the magician to reveal his secrets, so for a while I simply didn't tell him. I thought he wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE...

What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?

A Juand

Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.

What do you call a wizard who enjoys eating people?

A Vorelock

What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.