UPJOKE
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Upload Jokes

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Why couldn't Anakin Skywalker upload his pics to email them to Padme?

Because attachments are forbidden.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

What do you call a potato that uploads videos?

A you-tuber.

ELI5: Why are download speeds so much faster than upload speeds?

Is it because of gravity?

I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

I uploaded a picture of a walnut but people complained that it was too blurry.

Now I have to deal with the nut post clarity.

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

I tried uploading a picture of the Titanic to OneDrive

... But it just kept syncing.

The uploading in Russia is horrible...

But the inSTALIN is amazing!

Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel

He was void of ideas

What do you call a melodious fart uploaded online?

A SoundCloud

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook.

I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between anal and oral sex? (First ever upload)

Nothing, they both spout shit every now and then.


You can tell this is my first upload because I derped. The set up is meant to be, "What is the difference between anal and oral?"

My apologies, harsh cats of Reddit.

I uploaded a video to YouTube of me filming around my windowless house.

Zero views.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's Inauguration Speech Was Uploaded onto Pornhub

"Rich White Man Fucks Entire Country"

I uploaded a video on YouTube about how to clean your fingers.

The thumbnail was dirty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew she was going to be mad when she saw my upload to redtube, but I had no idea it would be this bad. It's true what they say...

Hell hath no fury like a women porned.

I asked my Dad to tell me the best joke he had ever made so I could post on Reddit

I'm uploading my birth certificate now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy goes to his father and asks...

"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother used to pose for porn magazines in the 70’s. A few years ago, someone uploaded a bunch of her pictures to the internet.

I see them from time to time, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

Where do bees go to the bathroom at?

at the [BP Station](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b8/Bp_station_zanesville_ohio.jpg)

*Sorry, I know...its a Dad joke.*

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

Have you heard about the new bush-o-matic 3000?

It's the latest piece of kit where you can upload an image into the on-board computer, crop out the back ground, set the machine on the floor and point it towards the hedge of your choice.

You press "GO" and the machine flies up into the air and starts cutting out a 3D sculpture of the image...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I decided to make a sex tape.

If anyone wants to watch it im uploading the full gif later today.

LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

The word “you” is made up entirely of vowels.

Yeah it’s not a joke, but when I tried to upload it to r/showerthoughts, I was told that wordplay wasn’t accepted. So here we are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than your son to download porn?

Your daughter to upload

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?

Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

Parents are worried about two things these days

1. What their sons download

2. What their daughters upload

Ted decided to go start a youtube channel

This youtube channel was solely for making diss tracks about famous youtubers. Unfortunately, his first one was not successful, it was incredibly bad, and so he got thousands of dislikes. Undiscouraged, Ted made a few more diss tracks and uploaded them, only to get hate messages and death threats so...

How to fake your own death

Become a famous YouTuber and stop uploading for months.

So, there was a Horse, a Sheep and a Chicken and they lived in a barn

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a bunch of laughs taffy’s on Saturday and thought I’d share

Q: Who was responsible for the lakes disarray

A: The loch mess monster

Q:Why did the girl have a tiny wooden infant

A: She wanted a whittle baby

Q: What type of data has a big bite

A: megabyte

Q: What can you catch but not throw

A: A cold

Q: Wh...

Why couldn't the pirate see the movie?!

the uploader forgot to take the lens-cap off after the movie started

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was shopping for a toilet. Sales guy showed me the newest model they had in store.

It uploads all my shit to Facebook.

How many agile programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to write the web page. One to make the video proclaiming the changing to be the next step towards the singularity. One to upload the video to Kickstarter. One to send out invitations to a meeting to decide whether to use Scrum or another method. One to argue that the way the invitations were se...

"How does it feel to live without the Internet?"

I met an Amish man who gave me a ride when my car was broken down.

Me: "So, what's it like to live without the internet?"

Amish Man: "Pretty swell. I just get pictures of your mom through the mail."

[OH SNAP!](http://reactiongif.org/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/08/GIF-amazing-cla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bar joke.

There are these 2 guys sitting at a bar, one is a tourist, and the other one is a local. The local is very old and very drunk, and the tourist is just having a drink.

The local starts saying, in a drunken stupor. "I built the bridge on main street! But no one calls me Joe the Bridge Builder"<...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

"The Frogs in Prague Defy Catalog"

According to a research team at Charles University in Prague, the local amphibians have very peculiar migratory habits. In recent years, a new sub-species have been identified which is not native to the area around the Czech capitol. The research has been carried out with the help of many students a...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

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