Ward Jokes - 103 Hilarious Ward Jokes

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What ...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and s...

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6 patients in a psych ward.

There are 6 patients in a mental facility all sitting around chatting. There was a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromanic, and a masochist. And for some reason they are talking about cats.

The zoophile says, "I know! Let's get a cat, and fuck it!"

To which the sadi...

Not NSFW: A nurse comes out of the delivery ward...

A nurse comes out of the delivery ward with a baby in her hands. She approaches the father and says,"Sorry, your wife didn't make it."

The husband replied," Oh! Then bring me the one my wife made!"

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair ...

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

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Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.

"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"

The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence...

There’s two patients at a psych ward and the first one says to the other

“I’m gonna break outta here, you in?”

The second one says “sure, but what’s your plan?”

To which the other replies “I’m just gonna walk outta here”

The second patient then exclaims “what?! Are you crazy?”

To which the first replies “well of course I am! What do you...

A man is waiting anxiously outside the Labour ward. The doctor comes out with a grim expression and hands him a baby, saying “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”

The man hands the baby back and says “well, bring me the one my wife made.”

Four Men are waiting outside the maternity ward...

The ward was extremely busy, so all the husbands were asked to wait in the waiting area. A short time later, the head nurse comes out, walks up to the first guy, and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s so weird!" answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
<...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

They kicked me out of a Covid-19 ward the other day…

…because when I left I said “stay positive everyone”

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

I hated the amputation ward.

Let's just say I'm never stepping foot in there again.

I walked into a hospital ward today looking for a mate....

No staff around so I asked a patient in bed where the staff were, he said ' Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it'

So I asked the next guy, he said ' But we hae meat, and we can eat sae let the Lord be thankit'

I asked the next guy and he started singing Auld Lang ...

A man wakes up in a hospital ward with the doctor looking over him...

"I'm afraid I have some bad news and some good news" the doctor told him

"What's the bad news?" asked the man

"Well, you've been in a terrible accident and we've had to amputate both of your legs" replied the doc.

"Oh no.... so what's the good news then?"

"The man in the ...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

What do cannibals call psych wards?

A vegetable garden

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.

What's that?

Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.

Okay.

Now that ...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

Did you hear about the disaster that happened at the constipation ward?

Everyone was heavily impacted.

Three men were waiting outside the labor ward...

A nurse came out to tell the first man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!"he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co!"

Five minutes later, a nurse came out to tell the second man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" ...

In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached ...

The new patient the psych ward says to another patient, "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't", the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!", says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman"

"Oh yeah, wise guy", growls the first guy, "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because", the first guy responds calmly, "I am Superman"

The first guy...

What did the cannibal mother say as her family entered the coma ward of the hospital.

Eat your vegetables.

I know its bad but everytime i hear the vegan teacher say that sentece its all i can think about.

What's the psych wards favorite christmas song?

Do you hear what I hear...

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

One day at the Psychiatric Ward...

A psychiatrist is evaluating three new mental patients. He turns to the first one and asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The mental patient thinks and thinks. He racks his brain. Finally, after several minutes, he answers, "128!"

The psychiatrist turns to the second mental patient and asks...

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.

"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"

Ignoring the doctor again, the man t...

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

A Suicidal person and a Homicidal person are roomed together in a psyche ward

The homicidal person says "we share a common interest"

I used to date a girl called Anna Ward

She was a trophy girlfriend.

What does a wholefoods and a psychiatric ward have in common?

They're the only places you can get fired for eating a vegetable.

Two babys at the birth ward...

...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"

As the virus raged, the doctor realized his entire ward was dying fast...

As the virus raged, the doctor realized his entire ward was dying fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One stricken man responded. "Yes, Doctor, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the doctor, "you pray while the rest of us try this new vaccine - we're one dose short."

At the maternity ward...

Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!" the man replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!" whereupon he hoes into the ward to be with his wife. a few mi...

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A Man Visits His Friend In The Psych Ward

A man went to visit his friend in a psych ward. On the way to his room, he sees a patient facing a wall, pretending to swing a tennis racket. He asks him, "What are you doing?" and the guy says back "I'm a pro tennis player, and when I get out of here, I'm going to play in the Grand Slam." The man s...

Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.

My new job in the circumcision ward pays great and has great prospects...

20 skins a day and a chance to get ahead.

Shooting newborns in the maternity ward is just low.

Spawnkillers are absolute scum.

A guy walks into a psychiatric ward to visit his old man.

As he sits down in the recreation room with his dad, he spots a schizophrenic kid standing on the table.

The kid starts targeting each person in the room, busting out the freshest, most incredible 'yo mama' jokes he's ever heard; true originality at its best.

"That's incredible," he s...

What ward does Sauron visit in the hospital?

ICU

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

Two psychic ward patients are escaping the facility...

They get to a point where they have to cross a gap between two buildings. The first guy has no problem, jumps the gap, but the second guy is scared of heights and refuses to jump.

So the first prisoner thinks for a bit, and proposes a solution:

"How about this, I'll shine my flashlight...

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Overheard two doctors in the emergency ward

They were discussing a patient who had arrived with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum.
Described his condition as stable.

A woman in the maternity ward was paging through a phone book for hours

A nurse noticed this and asked if she needed some help finding a business.
The woman replied "Oh, no! I'm just looking for a name for my baby!"
The nurse explains "But we have books full of first names for babies and what they mean."
The woman says "No, I already have a first name for...

Dark humor is like a children's cancer ward...

It never gets old.

Nostalgia: What did June Cleaver say to her husband, Ward, in the morning?

Don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night?

A patient on the psych ward...

A patient on the psych ward is sitting in the day room reading a book. Above him, another patient has hung herself from the light fixture. A new orderly walks in, points to the patient hanging from the ceiling and shouts, "What's going on in here?!?" The patient looks up from his book and calmly sa...

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

A nurse was walking through a maternity ward, checking on the new arrivals and their mothers..

She walked into the first room where a woman had hold of her precious newborn child with the face of an angel. She asked the mother what the name was, to which the mother replied,

"I called her Rose because when i was going into labour, a rose petal drifted in through the window and landed on...

A new bishop was visiting the homes in the ward

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "revelation 3:20" on the back of the card and stuck it in the door.

The following Sunday he found that his card had been ...

Why did the vegan zombie visit the coma ward?

Because it only ate vegetables.

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

Why did the psych ward escapee never get married?

He had a fear of commitment

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The President visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

He is shown around first by a nurse so he can inspect the facilities.

On his way, he hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

He goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

He asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that...

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A guy was admitted to the emergency ward with half a dozen toy horses stuck up his ass.

His condition was listed as "stable".

I was once served a grilled cheese sandwich in Switzerland and it was too hot to eat and I injured myself.

I had to go to the Bern ward...

As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards...

I'm just afraid of commitment.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.

When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."

The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.

The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"

...

At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6?

He believes he’s a wolf.”
-
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”

I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

A man and a woman get admitted to a psych ward at the same time...

They always hang around together, wordlessly, just holding each other's hands and everyone assumes they're in love. One beautiful evening the man and the woman take a walk to the pool and the man lets go of the woman's hand and jumps into the pool, she jumps into the pool and saves him heroically wh...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian are waiting for their wives at the maternity ward...

And after a few hours the doctor comes out and says:

>congratulations you are all fathers of beautiful babies. However, we accidentally mixed them up and since your wives are recovering I'll ask you to go inside and tell which baby belongs to you.

The Frenchman goes in front running...

One of my friends is a nurse who used to throw up everytime someone with no feet came into her ward.

Turns out she was lack toes intolerant.

I got kicked out of the cancer ward at my hospital today.

Apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

An Indian man, a Pakistani man, and an English man walk into a maternity ward.

The doctor tells them there's been a mix up and he doesn't know who's baby is who's. The Indian man runs in and grabs the only white baby and starts to walk out. The English man looks really confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby, it looks white so it's mine". The Indian man says "I...

I told a psychiatric ward patient to stand in the middle of two black poles ...

and he did it ! The absolute madman!

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

If a redditor who is going into labour posts an original content (picture) of her in the ward...

Is it polite to say "OP will deliver?"

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time-

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.
(True story)

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.

1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

“Mom I think I’m adopted!”

Mom: No you’re not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?

Nathan: Well, I’ve just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I’ve got no living relatives?!

Mom: This is nonsense, let’s show this to your dad…

Dad *walks in*: Well of course he’s not our son, don...

The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less super...

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

I got hospitalized for my SpongeBob addiction.

They put me in the Squid ward.

The Three Babies

An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Be...

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I’m sorr...

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Great Russian joke

Four mothers; German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn't know which baby is which. So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. "That's mine" ...

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

How do you talk to a COVID denier

Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

Easiest way to start a rave?

You throw a flash grenade in an epilectic ward.

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

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This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small cr...

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

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A mother looks at her teenage son and tells her husband this kid looks nothing like either of us.

The husband says; I know, remember in the maternity ward when he pooped and you asked me to change him?

I did.

where do cannibals go to get their 5 daily veggies?

To the ICU ward.

Old joke

Two mental patients were planning their escape from the psych ward.

1st guy: "Once we get to the roof, I'll turn on the flashlight, and you can slide down the beam of light."

2nd guy: "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid! How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off?"

A man is very ill and lying in a hospital bed

The hospital calls the family to the ward

The Father calls his eldest son Rob and says “you know the houses I have in Chiswick, 20 of them are yours.”

The son replies, “thank you so much, Father.”

The Father then calls his youngest son Harry and says. “You know the houses I have...

What was one of the most NSFW dialogue from the 50s/60s sitcom?

Ward, I think you were a little too hard on the Beaver last night.

Where should Spongebob fans go in the hospital?

The Squid-ward

What’s the dirtiest thing ever said on television

GEE ward you were awfully rough on the beaver last night

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Mr. Johnson walks into a clinic and says to the doctor, "I have thought about this for years, and I have decided that I want to get castrated."

"Are you sure about this?" asks the doctor. "It will really change your sex life."

"Sex life shmex life!" shouts Mr. Johnson. "I want to be castrated!" The doctor sighs and sets an appointment.

A few weeks later, Mr. Johnson wakes up in a hospital ward after his surgery. He turns to th...

If a cat goes meow and a cow goes moo, what does the dog say?

Ed...ward..

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