Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

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The Post Turtle (Re-post, but still valid.)

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

I really hate articles that say 5 reasons why something is best and 5 reasons why it's the worst.

The whole argument is completely valid for the reason something is best. Which makes it a good article.

It actually makes the article just so contradictory it sucks.

But they are so easy to read and generally they are well written.

There are so many that each time Google recomme...

We have a valid potential solution for global warming.

Nuclear winter.

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

Merry Christmas from the FAA

Santa decided to make sure that his equipment was working. He hitched up the reindeer and ran pre-flight tests on the sleigh. Everything was just fine. As he swung up into the seat, he sees a man wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a shotgun walking towards him.

The man smiles and says, "Hi! I'...

Ignorance of the law is not a valid defense…

unless you're the president

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

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Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

My birthday was so beautiful

Even the cake was in Tiers





Obligatory cake day post :)

Hope you enjoy it.

I hope everyone is doing well during these tough times. Even if you’re not, that is completely understandable and valid. Just know, that I may not know you, but I am supporting you. Sendi...

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Sexual Exhaustion

The teacher started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition, or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass male student asks , "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" causing the class to burst into l...

Someone asked me to validate their parking

So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you."


^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today.

I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid

A few friends told me how badly it went for them.

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I had just finished a delicious meal at my favorite restaurant.

I walked out to my car in the parking deck, but realized I had forgotten to ask the restaurant to validate my parking.

Being a cheapskate, I walked all the way back to the restaurant, just to save a few bucks. I walked up to the hostess and asked "could you please validate me?"

She re...

Freshwater is a precious resource. We need to conserve it.

My neighbour's dad didn't take that as a valid reason for showering with his daughter

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of...

the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

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I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

How does an Introverted hypochondriac feel during the Corona virus outbreak?

Validated.

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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

When I die I'm going to entrust my money to a Nigerian prince

...on the condition that he can find a valid US bank account to transfer it to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you put your dick in someone’s eye...

Is that a valid form of ID?

A group of Christians are tasked with changing a lightbulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.



The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.



The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.



The Christian Scientist can't, but he prays for the light to turn ...

Why did Donald Trump win 2016 election?

Because "Deez Nuts" isn't a valid candidate.

Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one's view's and by trying to make it objectified,

And by considering each and every one's valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say.

A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.

With the window lowered, the man attempts...

Dog sitting

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning so...

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A judge is hearing Mickey Mouse's divorce petition.

After listening to his argument, the judge shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse. Your wife Minnie having an eccentric personality is not valid grounds for divorce, I'm afraid."

"Your honor," Mickey replies. "I didn't say she was eccentric, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father gathers his three sons and tells them sadly

— Kids, in the night some asshole stole our cow.

Oldest son (OS): An asshole? He must be short.

Middle son (MS): Short guy? He must be from the next village.

Youngest son (YS): From the next village? Who else but Jimmy?

So the sons go to the next village and beat the shit...

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

Hunting License

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pull...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls a man over for going to fast over a bridge...

He holds up a speed gun and says:

"You were 10Mph over the speed limit, do you have a valid reason for going so fast?"

"I was late for my job" The man responded

"And what is your job?" The cop starts writing a ticket at this point

"I work as a rectum stretcher" The guy sa...

Did you hear of the American who robbed a bank in Latvia?

Turns out potatoes aren't a valid currency in the US.

I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...

Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.

Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Name Change

A guy goes to the municipal authorities asking to change his name.
- You, Sir, need to have a serious reason to change your name, what's yours?
- Well, my name is John Shitson.
- Oh, I see, it's a valid reason. So, what do you want to change your name to?
- Peter Shitson.

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

I always said "Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

But apparently that's not a valid excuse and I can't work for NASA anymore.

"Jesus, I've come to you for redemption," I pleaded.

"Sorry sir, that coupon is no longer valid," said the Mexican store keeper.

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do twins have the same size penis?

It's a valid question. I'm sleeping with one and really hope the other brother is doing better

A truck driver was speeding down the highway.

A police officer is on his tail, lights flashing. It takes the driver awhile before he stops the truck. The officer gets out of his car and comes to talk to the driver.
Driver: "Afternoon officer"
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "Yessir, I was speeding"
"Oh?"...

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>30 pounds.

This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?

----

EDIT: Thanks for the response...

Occam's Disposable Razor

When given multiple equally valid choices, choose the one that costs the least money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Iraqi men in the UK

2 iraqi men enter the UK as valid citizens they make a pact together..
Iraqi 1: In ten years we will meet back here and we will see who is the most british!

Iraqi 2: ok we shal do just that!

Ten years pass and the guys meet up.

Iraqi 1: Well i think i am the most british! i ...

What do they call American Liberty in Israel?

A valid target.

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