How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is

A pair of Caesars

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

An ancient "your mom" joke, from Ancient Rome, between 63 BC to 14 AD .

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

What was the biggest scam in Ancient Egypt?

A Pyramid Scheme.

Understanding the wealth of ancient Egyptians means...

...realizing that not only did they stuff the tombs with gold, but also wrapped the corpses in toilet paper.

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Ancient History

Their usual English teacher was sick, and a substitute wanted to engage the class personally. "Tell me
what you last name is and tell you the story behind it".

Jack Faulkner was first. "Your great-great grand father must have trained falcons for a nobleman, to use in hunting
wild animal...

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

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When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

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Ancient Greeks invented sex

And Romans made it fun by adding women into it.....

Until the British came...eh...arrived.

In ancient Timbuktu they made their houses entirely out of dung.

I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall in that house.

Where do cows go to see ancient cows?

To the Mooooooseum

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

What do you call a scientist who specializes in ancient canine fossils?

A barchaeologist.

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

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What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?

Fucking rocks

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

There once was a group of ancient humans that casually roamed around aimlessly.

They were called the meanderthals

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple

Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar

I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

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Ancient Chinese conundrum; if you're blind and get a handjob from a man, ...

... is he gay?

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

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[Long] A rich man suffer from extreme arachnophobia, and is searching for a cure.

He calls the best scientist, psychiatrists and even folk healers, but no one of them is able to solve his problem.


Depressed, the man goes into a bar to drown his sorrows, and tell the bartender of his issue. The man begin to tell a tale he inherited from his grandpa: "Deep into the wo...

A guy in Ancient Rome enters a bar.

He goes to the bartender and lifts his 2 fingers and say "Five wines please"

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A guy was lost in the desert with no food or water when he finally sees a house in the distance

the guy reaches the house and knocks on the door. an old chines man answer it, the guy begs the old man to give him some food, water, and a place to stay for the night. the man agrees in one term: the guy cannot have sex, kiss or even touch the his doughter, and that if he breaks those rules he will...

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

Bikings

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

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Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

Ancient Chinese Proverb,

Why meet girl in park? Park meat in girl, much better.

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

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Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

Why did the Ancient Egyptians always make it to school on time?

Because they had Anubis

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A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They a...

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An archeologist is tasked with exploring an ancient sealed off tomb.

He cracks it open to find one long hallway. He feels dissapointed that his expedition will end without so much as a rubbing, until he finds at the end of the hallway, one large room.

Sitting square in the middle of the room is an ornately decorated coffin.

As he approaches the coffin h...

Ancient Jewel

Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries:

What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?

What was a popular condiment in ancient Central America?

Mayanaise.

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

Ancient Rome

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.

Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries.

They blow it up.

America is having such bad lucky recently like it’s cursed!

It’s almost as if it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something...

Rabbi Schwartz and Father O’Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch

Father O’Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, “This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?

Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, “A...

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

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Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.


The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.

...

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

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Chinese medicine

The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem. His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him. He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine.

"So simple," the sage said. "Rule of nine. Make move ...

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My uncle is an archeologist..

He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.

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I've heard this one in English, German and Yiddish.

A tourist was walking through an ancient section of Prague and noticed that his wristwatch had died. It needed a new battery.

He noticed a small storefront with a clock in the window, and went in. An elderly Jewish gentleman in traditional Hasidic attire was sitting behind a small counter. ...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.

Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."

The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.

The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his f...

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Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, they were full of shit.

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Ancient Wisdom

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.


Do not walk before me, for I may not follow.


Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow."


In fact, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone?

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins.

Right as he left his house, he was mugged.

His cab was stolen.

His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people.

On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight.

When he made it to the airport, he was selected fo...

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

Ancient Humor

Once Plato said "Humans are nothing but featherless bipeds". To this, Diogenes came running with a plucked chicken and said "Behold! A man"

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

Why was math so easy in ancient Rome?

x always equals 10

Ancient China should be credited for inventing toilet paper.

The inventor was Wai Ping.

Want to hear ancient Native American dirty joke?

Clean horse falls in mud

Who's the idiot now?

In ancient Greek the word “idiot” meant anyone who wasn’t a politician.

Today it's the exact opposite.

Once upon a time in ancient times

There was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believe...

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

An ancient Greek professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

A man in Ancient Greece tears a pair of his favorite tunics...

He brings them into the local tailor and sets them on the counter. The tailor looks at the tunics, then looks at the man, and says "Hey, Euripides?" The man looks at the tunics, then at the tailor, and says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

Historians in Ireland believe they have found their oldest ever man.

An ancient headstone has been analysed, and they found it to be for a 193 year old man called Miles from Dublin.

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A quick-witted man lives near an aloof woman

The woman literally talks to nobody and never changes her face.

One day, the man's friend challenged him, say"If you can use one word to make that woman smile, and one word to make her curse, I'll buy you a good lunch."

The wise man accepted the deal.

They went to the woman's ho...

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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

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How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?

A Plebeian J

How many Ancient Egyptians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh! You're a conspiracy theorist too?

What did ancient Mesopotamians wear to work?

Their cuneiform.

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

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There was once an ancient Chinese Emperor...

... This emperor had a young and beautiful daughter. One day he realized he was growing quite old, and there is a high chance he would soon die. When he died, there would be no man to take care of his daughter. So he set up a task for anyone in his empire. The person who brought him the most pin...

Ancient Egyptian king smells like

Pharohmones

I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon

Ancient Romans believed the 54th birthday was the time to indulge in all your crazy impulses.

You only LIV once.

What do ancient civilizations and lettuce recalls have in common?

The fall of the Romaine empire.

Did you know the ancient Stoics never got cavities?

They were implacable.

A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

What do you call an ancient Korean man?

Jurassic Park

How is working at McDonald's like being an archaeologist in Athens?

You end up smelling like ancient grease.

Why did the Ancient Egyptians really like iron?

Because iron is pharaohmagnetic

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I’m writing a masters thesis on the social hierarchies of Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdoms. It’s a pretty serious paper so I want to lend it some levity by adding a joke about eunuchs.

I’m just not sure if I’ve got the balls to do it.

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

How did the ancient Greek rabbit move around at night?

He had a Hoplite.

An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"

Immediately, all three men are excited.

"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.

"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small i...

An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic

And then poof , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .

The old lady said

- I want to be young and beautiful again

- I want to very rich

- my cat should become a handsome prince

Poof the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and...

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Inspired by a u/Goshfather writing prompts response

Kotopoulos and Alogos are sitting in a bar in ancient Thebes. Kotopoulos is speaking to his friend saying, “...So I’m looking both ways, and getting ready to cross the street, when all of a sudden—hey, Alogos! Why the long face? I’m tryina tell a story here!”

Suddenly the man sitting on the o...

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