Ancient Jokes - 117 Hilarious Ancient Jokes

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

A joke from ancient Rome

Two men were drinking ale in the market. The first man turned to the second and said "My friend, I have seen your wife's nudity."

The second man looks at the first, eyes wide, and says "I shall take a knife, and with it, I shall stab your eyes!"

And so the first said, "Thank you for th...

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

What was the most common reason ancient Egyptians would cry?

They missed their mummies.

Ancient Chinese proverb:

Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.

My dad recently told me a joke that was based on Ancient Roman Numerals.

I for one thought it very funny.

A man approaches an ancient temple seeking enlightenment

He hails the monk guarding the gate, "I have come to seek enlightenment for I know nothing"

The monk perks up, "Greetings, what is your name traveler?"

The man smiles, "I am Steve"

The monk laughs, "Lying so soon?"

Here's an ancient joke my brain just unearthed

Good morning ma'am. We're from the health department, doing a survey on family planning. May we come in and ask you a few questions?

Sure. Come in. It will be a pleasure. My husband and I are both brought up on the importance of family planning for a prosperous nation. In fact, when we marri...

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What’s the difference between a boring bird and an ancient dildo?

One’s a woodpecker and the other’s a wood pecker.

There was this guy who found an ancient book.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see i...

An ancient Greek playwright...

An ancient Greek playwright walks into an Athens tailor shop carrying jeans that have been obviously torn.

The tailor said, "Euripides?"

The playwright said, "Yes. Eumenides?"

During a history-themed comedy roast night, we couldn't decide whether to roast each other as ancient Roman gods or ancient Egyptian gods.

In the end, we agreed to diss a Greek.

My date seemed ecstatic at first when I told her I had the body of an Ancient Greek statue

She didn’t seem as enthused when she found out I was only referring from the waist down!

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

An Ancient Roman walks into a bar.

He sits down and says

"I'll have a martinus please."

"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks

The Ancient Roman replies

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

How did guys score in Ancient Egypt?

They used Pharaoh Moans

Two ancient priests are meeting again for the first time in years...

First Priest: "Greetings brother. I trust you have been well."

Second Priest: "I have. Though I must tell you, I am now in the service of a new god. He is greater and more worthy of worship than any of our old pantheon."

First Priest: "No way..."

Second Priest: "Yaweh."

Ancient Chinese proverb says

Man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

Ancient cultures had interesting and unique philosophies

For example, if you asked the question: “What separates man from animals?” You would get vastly different answers.

The Greeks would say “Philosophy and Law”

The Chinese would say “Morals and Art”

The Romans would say “The Mediterranean and the Danube”

I got my back adjusted a practitioner of ancient egyptian medicine

A Cairo-practor

I was offered to invest in restoring an ancient Egyptian architecture

I didn’t reply, it sounded like a pyramid scheme

A man in ancient Rome cannibalises his wife and frames his neighbor Ridiculus.

Ridiculus goes to court and says, "I'm-a in-nocent-a! You have-a gott to beli-eve-a me!" (Ancient Romans sounded like Italians, in case you didn't know.)

They sentence him to fight in the colosseum. Turns out he his quite good at fighting. In no time he becomes the best, and he makes a great ...

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Ancient greeks invented sex.

Romans made it more interesting by adding females.

TIL About the ancient Greek hero Boephades

Like Achilles, he was invulnerable except for one part of his body. Except instead of his ankle, it was his groin.

You've heard of Achilles heel, but did you know about

Boephades nuts?

How do you enter an ancient Egyptian burial chamber?

You just give a Tutankhamen.

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

So, I found proof of the Second Coming of Jesus on a ancient piece of fabric….

Now I gotta wash my hands, and take a cold shower.

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs?

The bikings.

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How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.

"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

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Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Man who walk around with hands in pockets, feel cocky all day.

Crib take many nails to build, only one screw to fill.

Panties not best thing on Earth, but next to it.

Got any others you can add?

Which goddess did standup comedians worship in Ancient Greece?

Amirite.

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Ancient Chinese Secret

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

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There was once an ancient Chinese Emperor...

... This emperor had a young and beautiful daughter. One day he realized he was growing quite old, and there is a high chance he would soon die. When he died, there would be no man to take care of his daughter. So he set up a task for anyone in his empire. The person who brought him the most pin...

A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

The Swiss have an ancient Valentine's Day tradition of giving their crush a pregnant sheep

In Swiss German, this animal gift is known as "fond-ewe".

The Ancients spoke of a wise healer who hated to be hugged. He lived by one rule.

Don't squeeze the shaman.

I believe the tornado chasers are the reincarnation of ancient sailors

They both hear the siren and know it’s dangerous, but they just keep going.

———

There was a tornado in my city and then I think of this.

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

Ancient Greek name translation

I have been doing some research into the meaning of my name.

I was delighted to find that in Ancient Greek my second name translates to ‘Attractive to women’.

Unfortunately my first name translates to ‘Not very’.

Once upon a time in ancient Rome...

...There lived 3 very important politicians. Brutus was a schemer, and a very ambitious man. No one trusted him, but everyone worked with him. Julius Caesar was unpopular with the politicians of Rome, but the people loved him. Julius was a consul of Rome. Marc Antony was the third politician in ques...

It’s Ancient Greece and a playwright goes to a tailor to have his clothes fixed.

The tailor looks at the clothes and says “ah, Euripides”

The man looks at the tailor and says “yes. Eumenides?”

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

How did the ancient Egyptian monarchs attract people?

With "Pharoahmones"

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

An ancient "your mom" joke, from Ancient Rome, between 63 BC to 14 AD .

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"

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Finding an ancient community

Not a joke, but just wondering if anyone here came from the community that understood:
- "purple, because aliens don't wear hats"
- "the horse name was Friday"
- "Nevil's basement"

I figured out why orgies were so popular in ancient Rome.

For starters, you need four people to LXIX.

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The most ancient joke from the Stone Age (really)

I've read somewhere that this is considered the most ancient still surviving joke, already told by cavemen around the campfire, literally tens of thousands of years old. (So like the ultimate unoriginal one lol.) Figured maybe you haven't heard it, so here it goes (sorry if my delivery is bad).
...

In Ancient Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor.

He was the Centaur for Disease Control.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans

Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

My kid's doing his masters' thesis on ancient Egypt plumbing design

He's a Pharaoh faucet major

Why did the ancient philosopher build 2 spots to park his boat?

We’ll never know, it’s a paradox.

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman “they must have the same landlord I do."

It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.

I mean, how did they hold the tools?

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

Ancient Jewel

Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries:

What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?

What do you call an ancient Egyptian cook?

Gordon Rameses.

Once upon a time in ancient times

There was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believe...

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When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon...

Hwacha gonna do about that?

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

Did you know the ancient Egyptians watched monster movies?

Moth-Ra was their favorite. (Yes, I am a dad)

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

I fart just like the ancient pharaohs did…

I guess you could say we have a Tutankhamun.

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

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Ancient Wisdom

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk before me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow."

In fact, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone?

Ancient Rome

Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls i had?
- mmm?
- no, not that many...

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

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I want to try with an ancient Chinese joke and see if it works.

A man with a small dick wants to find a wife. He’s afraid to be laughed at for his size so he insists to find a true virgin. And he thinks of a clever way.

The man marries a woman, shows her his dick and asks her: “what is this?” The woman replies: “it’s your penis.” The man knows that she is...

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My friend's surname is Weaver, he's traced his family tree back to ancient cloth merchants.

My surname is Dickinson. I've decided to leave it.

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

I read about how in ancient Rome gladiators had a layer of fat to protect them in combat.

I'm gonna start telling people I have the body of a gladiator.

What language did ancient Roman police speak?

Pig Latin

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

How much memory did ancient computers have?

8 Trilobytes

My wife gifted me an ancient Italian artefact.

It was rome-antique.

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

What’s the best Ancient Greek landmark to photograph?

Delphi, because it’s always in Phocis.

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?

A Plebeian J

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What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?

Fucking rocks

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times?

Because they used to spit fire.

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is

A pair of Caesars

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

Where do cows go to see ancient cows?

To the Mooooooseum

Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple

Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

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What is the similarity between Ancient Greeks and Hitler?

They were both fucking assholes.

Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

How did ancient Greeks keep tabs on their infants while they slept at night?

They used a baby minotaur.

I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

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Here's a joke told to me by my ancient high school band director in rural Oklahoma many years ago

Mr. Band Director loved to tell the story of how his ancestors came to settle in Oklahoma during the days of pioneers, covered wagons, and frequent, often bloody misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day his great-grandfather was leading the conestogas when off in the distance he hear...

Want to hear ancient Native American dirty joke?

Clean horse falls in mud

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

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