An ancient mathematical joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with ...

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

The bikings.

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

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What do you get when you cross anxiety meds with an ancient shark and a penis?

A Mogolodong.

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Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, they were full of shit.

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.

Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."

The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.

The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his f...

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

What do you call ancient Roman pork

Igpay atinlay

People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

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Why was the job market in ancient Egypt so shitty?

It was full of pyramid schemes

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

Ancient Rome

Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls i had?
- mmm?
- no, not that many...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins.

Right as he left his house, he was mugged.

His cab was stolen.

His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people.

On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight.

When he made it to the airport, he was selected fo...

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

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Ancient chinese torture

A man goes on a date with a hot chinese chick and crashes at her house, when her dad, Ling Bao, says:
"You can stay here for the night. Just one condition: don't sleep with my virgin daughter or I will give you the 3 worst forms of chinese torture".

The man agrees, but he ends up sleeping ...

Ancient Humor

Once Plato said "Humans are nothing but featherless bipeds". To this, Diogenes came running with a plucked chicken and said "Behold! A man"

What did ancient Mesopotamians wear to work?

Their cuneiform.

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

How many Ancient Egyptians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh! You're a conspiracy theorist too?

What did the Ancient Egyptians call a good lookin mummy?

a MILF

Want to hear ancient Native American dirty joke?

Clean horse falls in mud

An ancient Greek professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

Ancient Egyptian king smells like

Pharohmones

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

A man in Ancient Greece tears a pair of his favorite tunics...

He brings them into the local tailor and sets them on the counter. The tailor looks at the tunics, then looks at the man, and says "Hey, Euripides?" The man looks at the tunics, then at the tailor, and says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

Did you know the ancient Stoics never got cavities?

They were implacable.

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

An astronomer has realized an ancient society has been writing jokes all over Mars, Venus, and other celestial bodies...

The astronomer, getting a huge laugh out of them, decided to record them down. The astronomer kept looking into space, and he kept finding gems that he couldn't stop laughing at. One day, having recorded over 100 jokes, he decided to publish all of them in a book, because the jokes were so funny and...

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

Why did ancient Romans not exchange high fives?

They didn't want to spread HIV.

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

How did the ancient Greek rabbit move around at night?

He had a Hoplite.

Once upon a time in ancient times

There was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believe...

Why did the Ancient Egyptians really like iron?

Because iron is pharaohmagnetic

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

What do you call an ancient Korean man?

Jurassic Park

One day, a farmer found a strange, ancient-looking stone in his field.

Inscribed into it were characters of an apparent forgotten alphabet. Images of priests in strange clothing conducting some bizarre ritual had been carved into the surface as well.



Not knowing whether his find was worth a fortune (and curious to know what was said on the tablet), the ...

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I’m writing a masters thesis on the social hierarchies of Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdoms. It’s a pretty serious paper so I want to lend it some levity by adding a joke about eunuchs.

I’m just not sure if I’ve got the balls to do it.

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran

It’s called Prints of Persia

Ancient Romans believed the 54th birthday was the time to indulge in all your crazy impulses.

You only LIV once.

An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic

And then poof , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .

The old lady said

- I want to be young and beautiful again

- I want to very rich

- my cat should become a handsome prince

Poof the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and...

I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?

A Plebeian J

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

One day, in Ancient Rome

A senator was late to the Senate, when Cicero was giving a speech. He got there fifteen minutes after the start.

He slipped into his usual seat and whispered to the senator next to him: "What Cicero is talking about?"

His neighbor said: "I don't know, he hasn't got to the verb yet!"

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"

The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".

Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"

...

...

"It's horrible."

"Agree."

Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.

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Long It is an ancient scene...

It is an ancient scene. A mob is chasing a thief down a road and they are going to stone him to death. He runs, turns down an alley and it is a dead end with one door at the end. He runs to the door but it is locked, so he bangs on the door but there is no answer. The crowd converges on him. Suddenl...

What ancient civilization had the best tattoos?

The Ink-ans

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How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

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A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him w...

A brief history of Ancient Greek culture

Greece before Alexander the Great: Kinda nistic.

Greece after Alexander the Great: Hella nistic.

An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"

Immediately, all three men are excited.

"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.

"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small i...

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There was once an ancient Chinese Emperor...

... This emperor had a young and beautiful daughter. One day he realized he was growing quite old, and there is a high chance he would soon die. When he died, there would be no man to take care of his daughter. So he set up a task for anyone in his empire. The person who brought him the most pin...

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars

Did you know that in ancient Greece, Hippasus was exiled for discovering that some numbers could not be described with simple whole numbers or fractions?

How irrational.

The origin of CrossFit can be traced all the way back to ancient Rome.

Take Jesus for example, he fit nicely on that cross.

Why was math so easy in ancient Rome?

x always equals 10

How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?

With little Caesar's.

What would you call a mechanic on Ancient Greece?

Mechanicles

Where does Noah keep his ancient bees?

In the ark hives.

I love my Ancient History class...

But my teacher tends to Babylon.

A man walks into a bar in Ancient Rome

The bartender asks him how many bottles of wine he wants and he holds up a peace sign. The bartender brings him five bottles.

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mo...

So these two ancient Egyptian brothers are mummifying their father.

After several hours one of the brothers realises how long they've been working. So he turns to his brother and says "Hey, let's wrap this up."

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

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What does one say when he is imprisoned by an ancient Greek government?

Fuck the polis

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THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the...

A long time ago in Ancient China

There was a young boy named Wachu. He grew up in a family of famous bakers and was extremely proficient in baking himself. As he grew, his baking skills improved exponentially until at one point he was famous throughout the region for his savoury breads and innovative cooking methods.

One day...

Mummy DNA shows that the ancients don’t have much in common with modern Egyptians

But at least they have Tutankhamun

History teaches us that people developed their last names in ancient times for doing what they were known for in a village.

If, for example, your last name is "Smith" then chances are your family line had some artisan blacksmiths to boot.

I wonder what the last name "Dickinson" meant for people back in those days?

There was this ancient story teller...

One of his stories was about a Kingdom that was having a lot of crime so the King said, "Whoever comes up with a solution that works will be greatly rewarded."

Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.

He asked to tear down all the jails...

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon an ancient village.

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon a legendary ancient village. The villagers, who to the man's surprise are still alive and well, lavish him with praise. They think he must be a god! But he must first be tested, just to be sure.

So the chief of the village takes him to a row of ...

An ancient Greek playwright walks into a tailor.....

....and approaches the counter holding a robe. He shows the tailor a large hole torn in the side. The tailor looks at him and said "Euripides?"

The playwright responds, "Eumenides."

What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast?

"Hail, Caesar"

What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?

You would be stoned to death.

An Ancient Roman walks into a bar.

He sits down and says

"I'll have a martinus please."

"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks

The Ancient Roman replies

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"…

…but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…

What did the Hindu say when asked if he was going to leave on his pilgrimage across all of the ancient holy sites?

Namaste here.