In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Ancient Roman walks into a bar…

Says to the bartender “i will have a martinus”

Bartender says “you mean martini”

The roman says “no, just one”

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?

Spectacles.

Once in ancient Athens a man walked into a tailor’s shop

“Eumenides?” The man asked the tailor
“Euripides?” The tailor asked the man

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

(A joke from ancient Rome) A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he's waiting a friend sees him and asks what he's doing. "I'm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in." Says the idiot. "No wonder people call you an idiot" says the friend... "How do you know it's not coming in from the other gate?"

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

I fart just like the ancient pharaohs did…

I guess you could say we have a Tutankhamun.

What do you call an ancient Egyptian cook?

Gordon Rameses.

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.

"Euripides?" says the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man.

I saw a 2000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

Ancient Greek name translation

I have been doing some research into the meaning of my name.

I was delighted to find that in Ancient Greek my second name translates to ‘Attractive to women’.

Unfortunately my first name translates to ‘Not very’.

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

I don’t have a problem with most ancient gods and the like...

but that Pan really gets my goat.

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

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How do you say boobs in ancient egyptian?

Nefertitty

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

Why did the ancient egyptians all love Nissan?

Because Nissan Sentra.


My wife says I'm going to Duat for this one....

I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon...

Hwacha gonna do about that?

Why did Ancient Egyptians placed their arms diagonally close to their chests?

Because they thought there were waterslides in the afterlife

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

How did ancient Greeks keep tabs on their infants while they slept at night?

They used a baby minotaur.

Did you know the ancient Egyptians watched monster movies?

Moth-Ra was their favorite. (Yes, I am a dad)

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

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Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Man who walk around with hands in pockets, feel cocky all day.

Crib take many nails to build, only one screw to fill.

Panties not best thing on Earth, but next to it.

Got any others you can add?

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

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A scientist finds a time machine…

A scientist finds a time machine, and thinking quickly, decides to travel back in time to Ancient Rome with as much modern technology as he can gather in order to advance society thousands of years.

First, he grabs a laptop computer, then a television, and a cell phone. Having these, he deci...

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

ancient "your mom" joke

The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?"

"No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was."

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The most ancient joke from the Stone Age (really)

I've read somewhere that this is considered the most ancient still surviving joke, already told by cavemen around the campfire, literally tens of thousands of years old. (So like the ultimate unoriginal one lol.) Figured maybe you haven't heard it, so here it goes (sorry if my delivery is bad).
...

Someone said to me, "I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies.' But I didn't believe him.

Seems like a Toto fabrication.

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

In Ancient Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor.

He was the Centaur for Disease Control.

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

What do two people who eat beans have in common with Ancient Egypt?

They “toot in common”

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

My mother left only an ancient globe as part of her last will

It meant the world to me.

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

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I want to try with an ancient Chinese joke and see if it works.

A man with a small dick wants to find a wife. He’s afraid to be laughed at for his size so he insists to find a true virgin. And he thinks of a clever way.

The man marries a woman, shows her his dick and asks her: “what is this?” The woman replies: “it’s your penis.” The man knows that she is...

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

My wife gifted me an ancient Italian artefact.

It was rome-antique.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...

New Roman.”

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

Ancient Redneck Chinese saying:

Give a man a fish, & you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish, & he sit in you boat the whole day drinking all your beer!

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

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When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is

A pair of Caesars

What’s the best Ancient Greek landmark to photograph?

Delphi, because it’s always in Phocis.

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

What language did ancient Roman police speak?

Pig Latin

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

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What is the similarity between Ancient Greeks and Hitler?

They were both fucking assholes.

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Finding an ancient community

Not a joke, but just wondering if anyone here came from the community that understood:
- "purple, because aliens don't wear hats"
- "the horse name was Friday"
- "Nevil's basement"

Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times?

Because they used to spit fire.

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What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?

Fucking rocks

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Ancient greeks invented sex

Romans made it more fun by adding women to it.

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

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The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

Where do cows go to see ancient cows?

To the Mooooooseum

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

Bikings

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple

Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

A guy in Ancient Rome enters a bar.

He goes to the bartender and lifts his 2 fingers and say "Five wines please"

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

What do you call a scientist who specializes in ancient canine fossils?

A barchaeologist.

Understanding the wealth of ancient Egyptians means...

...realizing that not only did they stuff the tombs with gold, but also wrapped the corpses in toilet paper.

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Ancient Chinese conundrum; if you're blind and get a handjob from a man, ...

... is he gay?

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

There once was a group of ancient humans that casually roamed around aimlessly.

They were called the meanderthals

Ancient Jewel

Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries:

What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

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A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They a...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

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How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

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Racism is not a joke

Hi, I've travelled around the world a little bit and I've had many wonderful experiences, although the story I'm about to share is one of the worst experiences in my life.

I went to Japan a few years ago and for the most part had a wonderful time and found the people to be amazingly friendly ...

What was a popular condiment in ancient Central America?

Mayanaise.

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

Once upon a time in ancient times

There was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believe...

Why is America cursed

It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

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