An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

In Ancient Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor.

He was the Centaur for Disease Control.

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

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I want to try with an ancient Chinese joke and see if it works.

A man with a small dick wants to find a wife. He’s afraid to be laughed at for his size so he insists to find a true virgin. And he thinks of a clever way.

The man marries a woman, shows her his dick and asks her: “what is this?” The woman replies: “it’s your penis.” The man knows that she is...

What’s the best Ancient Greek landmark to photograph?

Delphi, because it’s always in Phocis.

What did the ancient egyptians call their milfs?

Mummies

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

What was the biggest scam in Ancient Egypt?

A Pyramid Scheme.

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

My teacher got arrested while teaching us about Ancient Rome. The police insisted he was lying to them...

But he’s sticking to history.

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

How much memory did ancient computers have?

8 Trilobytes

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is

A pair of Caesars

What language did ancient Roman police speak?

Pig Latin

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What is the similarity between Ancient Greeks and Hitler?

They were both fucking assholes.

An ancient "your mom" joke, from Ancient Rome, between 63 BC to 14 AD .

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"

Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times?

Because they used to spit fire.

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

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What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?

Fucking rocks

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

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When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

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Ancient History

Their usual English teacher was sick, and a substitute wanted to engage the class personally. "Tell me
what you last name is and tell you the story behind it".

Jack Faulkner was first. "Your great-great grand father must have trained falcons for a nobleman, to use in hunting
wild animal...

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

Where do cows go to see ancient cows?

To the Mooooooseum

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

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Ancient Greeks invented sex

And Romans made it fun by adding women into it.....

Until the British came...eh...arrived.

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

Three gentlemen were discussing about the oldest job in the world...

A doctor, an electrical engineer and a lawyer were talking about who had the most ancient profession.

The doctor said: "Well, god was the first doctor, for he created life itself, so my profession is the oldest!"

The electrical engineer replied: "But wait, before that, God said 'may t...

Understanding the wealth of ancient Egyptians means...

...realizing that not only did they stuff the tombs with gold, but also wrapped the corpses in toilet paper.

What do you call a scientist who specializes in ancient canine fossils?

A barchaeologist.

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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What did the ancient monk who just took viagra say before he died?

Old habits die hard

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple

Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar

Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

There once was a group of ancient humans that casually roamed around aimlessly.

They were called the meanderthals

I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

Roman soldier

How did the starving male slave forced to compete in ancient Roman death matches for entertainment feel after cannibalizing the largely portioned female oppressor?

Gladiator.

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

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Ancient Chinese conundrum; if you're blind and get a handjob from a man, ...

... is he gay?

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

A guy in Ancient Rome enters a bar.

He goes to the bartender and lifts his 2 fingers and say "Five wines please"

My friend , a follower of a dharma-based ancient Indian religion, is an airline pilot.

She's a real plane Jain.

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

Bikings

My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

What Did Heracles Fry Food In?

Ancient Grease.

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

My friend Victor is a historian

He invited me to a party at his house and started introducing me to all his colleagues.
“This is Victor, he’s a historian of the renaissance. The guy next to him is Victor Jr, he’s a historian of ancient Egypt. And those two guys over there are Victor and Victor, they are doing great work on Mes...

Ancient Jewel

Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries:

What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

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As a Buddhist monk

I learned the ancient secret to inner peace...

is to never give a fuck

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A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They a...

Ancient Chinese Proverb,

Why meet girl in park? Park meat in girl, much better.

What was a popular condiment in ancient Central America?

Mayanaise.

Why did the Ancient Egyptians always make it to school on time?

Because they had Anubis

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

Ancient Rome

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.

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[Long] A rich man suffer from extreme arachnophobia, and is searching for a cure.

He calls the best scientist, psychiatrists and even folk healers, but no one of them is able to solve his problem.


Depressed, the man goes into a bar to drown his sorrows, and tell the bartender of his issue. The man begin to tell a tale he inherited from his grandpa: "Deep into the wo...

Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries.

They blow it up.

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A guy was lost in the desert with no food or water when he finally sees a house in the distance

the guy reaches the house and knocks on the door. an old chines man answer it, the guy begs the old man to give him some food, water, and a place to stay for the night. the man agrees in one term: the guy cannot have sex, kiss or even touch the his doughter, and that if he breaks those rules he will...

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

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Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.


The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.

...

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.

Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."

The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.

The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his f...

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Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, they were full of shit.

What did the Ancient Egyptians call a good lookin mummy?

a MILF

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Ancient Wisdom

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.


Do not walk before me, for I may not follow.


Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow."


In fact, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone?

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Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

An ancient Greek professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

Ancient Humor

Once Plato said "Humans are nothing but featherless bipeds". To this, Diogenes came running with a plucked chicken and said "Behold! A man"

What’s one thing Ancient Greeks and Mexicans have in common?

When they meet (their) God they say, Hey Zues.

Once upon a time in ancient times

There was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believe...

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Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

Ancient China should be credited for inventing toilet paper.

The inventor was Wai Ping.

Want to hear ancient Native American dirty joke?

Clean horse falls in mud

A man in Ancient Greece tears a pair of his favorite tunics...

He brings them into the local tailor and sets them on the counter. The tailor looks at the tunics, then looks at the man, and says "Hey, Euripides?" The man looks at the tunics, then at the tailor, and says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins.

Right as he left his house, he was mugged.

His cab was stolen.

His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people.

On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight.

When he made it to the airport, he was selected fo...

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How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

America is having such bad lucky recently like it’s cursed!

It’s almost as if it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something...

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

Ancient Rome

Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls i had?
- mmm?
- no, not that many...

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?

A Plebeian J

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There was once an ancient Chinese Emperor...

... This emperor had a young and beautiful daughter. One day he realized he was growing quite old, and there is a high chance he would soon die. When he died, there would be no man to take care of his daughter. So he set up a task for anyone in his empire. The person who brought him the most pin...

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

How many Ancient Egyptians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh! You're a conspiracy theorist too?

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

What did ancient Mesopotamians wear to work?

Their cuneiform.

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

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