In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

The Ancient Greeks invented an orgies

The Historians invented the myth that women was involved in Greeks orgies

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

It’s Ancient Greece and a playwright goes to a tailor to have his clothes fixed.

The tailor looks at the clothes and says “ah, Euripides”

The man looks at the tailor and says “yes. Eumenides?”

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

I read about how in ancient Rome gladiators had a layer of fat to protect them in combat.

I'm gonna start telling people I have the body of a gladiator.

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura changes colour when they die.

Cyan-aura.

Ancient Roman walks into a bar…

Says to the bartender “i will have a martinus”

Bartender says “you mean martini”

The roman says “no, just one”

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Here's a joke told to me by my ancient high school band director in rural Oklahoma many years ago

Mr. Band Director loved to tell the story of how his ancestors came to settle in Oklahoma during the days of pioneers, covered wagons, and frequent, often bloody misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day his great-grandfather was leading the conestogas when off in the distance he hear...

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In Ancient Greece, a warrior struggles to sort his disciples.

Seeing as he didn’t have the privilege of Roman numerals and didn’t know how to count, he decided to use the ol’ Shepard boy sorts-sheep-by-amount-of-pebbles method, but with a twist. As such, he matches the soldiers in pairs of two based on appearances or, if they sounded similar, by names.

...

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?

Spectacles.

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What did the ancient Egyptians wipe their butts with?

Poopyrus.

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

(A joke from ancient Rome) A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he's waiting a friend sees him and asks what he's doing. "I'm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in." Says the idiot. "No wonder people call you an idiot" says the friend... "How do you know it's not coming in from the other gate?"

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

I fart just like the ancient pharaohs did…

I guess you could say we have a Tutankhamun.

What do you call an ancient Egyptian cook?

Gordon Rameses.

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.

"Euripides?" says the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man.

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Sir John Harrington, the inventor of the flush toilet, is well remembered for two reasons.

Number 1 and Number 2

(Note: Ancient civilizations like the Mesopotamians and Minoans can also lay claim to inventing flush toilets too, I guess)

Ancient Greek name translation

I have been doing some research into the meaning of my name.

I was delighted to find that in Ancient Greek my second name translates to ‘Attractive to women’.

Unfortunately my first name translates to ‘Not very’.

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon...

Hwacha gonna do about that?

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

I don’t have a problem with most ancient gods and the like...

but that Pan really gets my goat.

Why did the ancient egyptians all love Nissan?

Because Nissan Sentra.


My wife says I'm going to Duat for this one....

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How do you say boobs in ancient egyptian?

Nefertitty

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."



[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']

Why did Ancient Egyptians placed their arms diagonally close to their chests?

Because they thought there were waterslides in the afterlife

An abderite sees an eunuch alogside a woman

He asks him: "is this your wife?". The eunuch answers: "eunuchs can't have wives".

"So is it your daughter?".

I browsed through Philogelos ("Love of Laughter") which is the oldest joke collection that has survived. It is written in ancient Greek. Also, it was pretty funny when I dicov...

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

I saw a 2000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

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Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Man who walk around with hands in pockets, feel cocky all day.

Crib take many nails to build, only one screw to fill.

Panties not best thing on Earth, but next to it.

Got any others you can add?

Did you know the ancient Egyptians watched monster movies?

Moth-Ra was their favorite. (Yes, I am a dad)

How did ancient Greeks keep tabs on their infants while they slept at night?

They used a baby minotaur.

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

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The most ancient joke from the Stone Age (really)

I've read somewhere that this is considered the most ancient still surviving joke, already told by cavemen around the campfire, literally tens of thousands of years old. (So like the ultimate unoriginal one lol.) Figured maybe you haven't heard it, so here it goes (sorry if my delivery is bad).
...

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

In Ancient Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor.

He was the Centaur for Disease Control.

Christians say "Jesus"

Ancient Greek women say "Hey Zeus"

Someone said to me, "I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies.' But I didn't believe him.

Seems like a Toto fabrication.

ancient "your mom" joke

The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?"

"No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was."

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The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try with an ancient Chinese joke and see if it works.

A man with a small dick wants to find a wife. He’s afraid to be laughed at for his size so he insists to find a true virgin. And he thinks of a clever way.

The man marries a woman, shows her his dick and asks her: “what is this?” The woman replies: “it’s your penis.” The man knows that she is...

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

My mother left only an ancient globe as part of her last will

It meant the world to me.

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

My wife gifted me an ancient Italian artefact.

It was rome-antique.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

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The Shah and the Guard

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the ti...

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pa...

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is

A pair of Caesars

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

What’s the best Ancient Greek landmark to photograph?

Delphi, because it’s always in Phocis.

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

What language did ancient Roman police speak?

Pig Latin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ancient greeks invented sex

Romans made it more fun by adding women to it.

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Finding an ancient community

Not a joke, but just wondering if anyone here came from the community that understood:
- "purple, because aliens don't wear hats"
- "the horse name was Friday"
- "Nevil's basement"

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What is the similarity between Ancient Greeks and Hitler?

They were both fucking assholes.

Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times?

Because they used to spit fire.

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

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What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?

Fucking rocks

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

Bikings

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

Where do cows go to see ancient cows?

To the Mooooooseum

A guy in Ancient Rome enters a bar.

He goes to the bartender and lifts his 2 fingers and say "Five wines please"

Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple

Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

Ancient Jewel

Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries:

What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?

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Ancient Chinese conundrum; if you're blind and get a handjob from a man, ...

... is he gay?

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

What do you call a scientist who specializes in ancient canine fossils?

A barchaeologist.

Understanding the wealth of ancient Egyptians means...

...realizing that not only did they stuff the tombs with gold, but also wrapped the corpses in toilet paper.

I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

There once was a group of ancient humans that casually roamed around aimlessly.

They were called the meanderthals

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

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A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They a...

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

Once upon a time in ancient times

There was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believe...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

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