A year after historic protests...

white, anti-vax Republicans are finally saying “I can’t breathe”.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, She invented the starting pistol.

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

Historical Context on How to Pronounce the Sauce

Since we are talking about how to pronounce the sauce. I though I would give some historical context I was talk when I was younger.

In the 19th Century, 2 men in England created a new sauce. It was savory, and went well with potatoes and meats. The 2 men didn't know what to call this sauce, s...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

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In an historic convent in Ireland, the sisters were accustomed to having visitors from the local town.

One day, a beautiful young nun heard a knock on her dormitory hall door as she was just getting ready for her bath.

"Who's there?" she asked.

A voice replied, "It is Cassidy, the blind man from the village."

She smiled and despite being nude, opened the door.

Cassidy ...

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion.

It marked the first time he's passed in years.

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A historical (?) meme for you

After the American Revolution, an American patriot, Ethan Allen, is invited to the house of an English lord for dinner while on a diplomatic trip to England. After dinner, he asks for someone to direct him to the bathroom. He goes in and on the wall of the bathroom there is a portrait of George Wash...

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

If you’re gathering with family & friends today, there’s an opportunity for recreating an historically accurate tradition.

The trading of disease ridden blankets.

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, “In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun?” The German replied, “In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world.” “Pah!”, the French man s...

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

TIL: Historically, eunuchs have been really wealthy and politically powerful.

It’s part of their compensation package.

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet?

The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.

How do you know coronavirus is an historic event?

Forrest Gump is involved. .

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A guy suddenly let out a big fart nearby a 4th grade class road trip to a historical war landmark

A young kid who happened to hear it got close to the guy and asked him "Sir, what was that?"

The guy, sweating nervously tried to invent a lie "Errrr, see kid... that was... the cannon of the historical park nearby, that was, er... announcing that it's five o' clock, yeah!"

There was a...

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Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran

He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate

A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus

Other doctors point out this is already a well known operation

The doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”

What important historical fact can one learn from Mount Rushmore?

The best American Presidents were stoned.

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

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The wife asked me if I thought she could be a model..

"There's no fucking chance you fat bastard." I laughed.

"Fuck off." She sobbed. "I'll have you know I've got a try-out for a modelling job this afternoon." She then grabbed her coat and stormed out.

A few hours later, she came home. "Well fuck you." She said proudly. "You're now lookin...

Obscure historical joke... Mithridates VI walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "So, what's your poison?"

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

Trump's presidency is historic...

He's the first president to ever be more concerned about personal insecurity than he is about national security.

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

You know, I don't find the recent super bowl win all that historic...

After all, this isn't the first time Atlanta was burned by the north.

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act.

Turnout was high.

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Why is this election historic?

It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office.

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

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A Teacher is talking to her class about Prostitutions rights in Nevada

She explains that Nevada has several brothels that have been in operation since the frontier days, and so legislature has been written to allow them to practice prostitution.

She then goes on to explain that, with the exception of Las Vegas, Nevada is mainly comprised of silver mining towns, ...

Historical wife

Two men are at the pub and it's 2 AM. One of them says it'd be in his best interest if he would leave now. "When I stay away for too long, my wife gets historical."

The other man replies: "That's not a bad idea actually. I can tell you've had enough beer. You're looking for the word 'hysteric...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote

Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

The three most historically important revolutions

The Russian.

The French.

And the dance dance.

A recent archeological dig was finished at historic Stratford-upon-Avon

They found many typewriters and many, many, more monkey skeletons

Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

I was visiting a historic site with a battlefield and two forts. The park ranger told me to be careful as the sun goes down, because the buildings cast a large shadow and it is hard to see where you are walking.

I said, ok I will beware the dark side of the forts.

Which historical invention was the most revolutionary?

The wheel :)

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American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment...

It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable.

I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl

After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

I was talking to my Irish mate about Brad Pitt's films, but I could not remember the name of that historical Greek film he was in.....

"Troy." he said, suddenly.

"I am." I replied. "Give me a minute"

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Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

I'll be Bach.

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

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The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

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Heaven Rides

*Note: I heard this joke from my dad who heard it from his grandmother, so if this isn't as good as it should be sorry.

3 guy friends (no homo) die and go to heaven, where together they are asked questions by St. Peter. After passing all questions,
St. Peter asks, "so far you have done we...

A visitor enters a mental asylum...

And sees three patients sitting at a table laughing uncontrollably as they chat amongst one another.


Patient 1: Sixteen!


\*They all laugh laugh historically\*


Patient 2: Five!


\*They all bursts out laughing\*


Visitor: Excuse me doctor,...

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

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An Alien ship lands in the city center..

and out come two humanoid male and female aliens, who look pretty much human except they are blue in colour and have antennas where their ears should be.

They are immediately surrounded by a huge crowd, media has set up their booths and world leaders approach them to make contact.

The...

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

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