Do you know that John Hammond killed all of the previous vice-president’s former wives?

He spared no ex-Pence

I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards

I'd call it Miami Vice Versa

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

What do you call a former Vice President keeping a beat?

Algorithm

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

I saw a former vice present playing bass recommend to me on Youtube.

I think something was wrong with its Al Gore rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times?

Sixpence

What happens when Trump gets “jinx” called on him by the Vice President while campaigning in Florida?

He has to buy Mike Pensacola.

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

I only have only one vice...

and that's to be screwed on top of my dirty workbench.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk ...

What do you call a set of calculations to determine the fluidity of a former Vice President's dance moves?

Al Gore rhythm algorithm

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

In companies, if vice presidents are called V.P. why aren’t presidents called P?

Because they ain’t wise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Conspiracy theorists think that Vice President Cheney stole someone's identity, and that his birth name is actually Bart.

It's not true. I've met him. He's a real Dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What was the Rear Admiral’s only vice?

The Vice Admiral’s rear.

I like to use phrases wrong sometimes

And vice versa

Joe Biden is very close to making a decision about a female Vice Presidential running mate.

Sources close to the matter have stated that he’s already given several of them his digits.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

Everyone thought that Obama's Vice President was done with politics after 2016, but now he's considering running for president in 2020.

I guess he was just Biden his time.

Former Vice President Joe’s taking forever to announce running in 2020

I guess he’s just Biden his time.

I wonder what his decision dePence on, is he afraid that he will be Chene’d to it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the Beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervi...

My newsfeed keeps showing me a video of a former US Vice President playing the drums...

It must be Facebook’s Al Gore rhythms.

Why did Trump choose Mike Pence as Vice President?

To make sure that no one would assassinate him.

I said to my friend, “let’s take turns naming American Vice Presidents”.

Al Gore first.

Dave walks into a bar and sees President Donald Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence at a table, deep in discussion.

He doesn’t want to interrupt, but they see him, invite him over and they soon get to talking.

“We’re on track to bomb the Middle East,” excitedly claims the President. “We’re going to reduce those towelheads to a shadow of their former numbers. We’re going to kill 3 million Syrians, 4 millio...

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

What do you call that weird sensation when you are suddenly teleported from North Pole to South Pole or vice versa?

Bi-polar disorder.

What do you call a nympho mechanic with a choking fetish?

A Vice Grip

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...

The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."

The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."

The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then f...

I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

In the UK, United States Vice President’s opinion isn’t worth much

It’s only a pence.

When the Vice President of America is lost in thought...

Would he be considered Mike Pensive?

John McCain and Donald Trump should run together as President/Vice President

Then we would finally get a political McDonalds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Why did the ex Vice President dance so procedurally?

He invented an Al-Gore-Rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

What did the Vice President say when leaving the White House?

Biden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you ever think about the Vice President...

...sitting at his desk, looking around his office and thinking to himself, "Fucking corners."

What's a Vice Presidents favorite type of math function?

An Al Gore-ithm

How do you politely tell someone to shut up?

“Thank you Vice President Pence.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!

I tried to help my friend, but he ended up addicted to marketing.

Guess you could say I gave him some ad-vice.

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Southern Woman

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then ...

The vice president of Pepsi got fired...

he came up positive for coke.

Little Johnny is in class the day before summer break

Teacher: Alright class I’m going to ask a question and if you get it right you can go home early.
The first question is, what president is on the penny?

Little Johnny raises his hand

Teacher: Ummm Juanita go ahead

Juanita: Abraham Lincoln!

Teacher: Alright Juanita you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king was skeptical of his wife cheating on him with one of the generals, so before his out of the country trip

He inserts a razor blade in her vagaina. After his return to the kingdom,2 weeks later, he has all of his generals line up and orders them to pull down their pants. All of them had a cut besides one general.

The king says to the general " you're my most loyal general, all these people have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

“I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

“Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." ...

President Trump is walking from the White House to his limousine

while out of nowhere, an assassin takes aim at him. The Vice President quickly, without much thought, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This catches the assassin off guard and he is then captured. Later, Trump asks the Vice President, "What on earth made you go 'Mickey Mouse'?!" to which the Vice President res...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve got to Lay you or jack off ...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I d...

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rebellious high school senior

So there’s this senior in high school. He’s pretty rebellious, and always hates it when you tell him to do something.

So the teacher tells him to do his assignment. He answers, “You’re not my mom,” and refuses to do it.

So he gets sent to the dean’s office, and the dean tells him to ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contingent morality

What do you call a contingent moral? A vice principal.

I love making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’

It's really my ideal vice.

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"

1...

2...

2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gab...

One snowy day, Donald Trump is leaving the White House.

He notices that in a nearby snowbank, someone has urinated a message into the snow: "DIE DONALD!" He grabs his head of security and says, "I demand to know who's responsible for this! Get the Secret Service on it immediately!"

A week later, the security chief enters the Oval Office. "Sir,"...

It’s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.



Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they ...

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a prostitute offered me to do anything for 500 bucks..

I asked her to complete the remote helicopter mission in the GTA Vice City

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) I...

After reading this joke, you will quit cheating forever

Two years ago, I applied for a job at a major conpqny. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But we're still...

Donald trump, the pope, Mike Pence, and a third grader are all on a plane about to crash with only 3 parachutes.

Mike Pence grabs a parachute and says “My life matters because I am the Vice President of the United States, and that is too important of a position to be given to anyone other than me” before jumping out of the plane.

Donald Trump grabs a bag and says “My life matters because I am the smarte...

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bumper sticker: I snatch kisses

and vice versa

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.