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Vice Jokes

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

What do you call a Navy Admiral who gambles, smokes, drinks and does drugs?

a Vice Admiral

Four priests met for a friendly gathering

During the conversation one priest said, “Our people come to us and pour out their hearts confessing certain sins and needs. Let’s do the same. Confession is good for the soul.”

In due time all agreed. One confessed he liked to go to movies and would sneak off when away from his church. The s...

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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland

The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

So my bird died

So I bought this Canary bird some time ago and it kept picking at my blinds which was costing me hundreds to continually replace.

I go to the vet and ask for advice.

The vet tells me to file off the birds beak ever so slightly, but that if I file it off too far it will not be able to p...

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A man comes home early from work;

A man comes home early from work; As he enters the house hears noises coming from above

He rushes up the stairs and into the bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend Jim.

Oh Jim, how could you? We went to school together; we were in the scouts together, we….

Ji...

YouTube keeps showing me videos of vice-presidents dancing.

Must be the Al Gore Rhythm…

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

After going to the casino every weekend for years, I finally won big. A brand new Nissan.

I call it my Vice Versa.

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

“Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. ...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Putin and the Journalist

With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.

"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise ...

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

I've had a severe addiction to taking inventory at the blacksmithing shop.

We all have our vices.

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Why did the one tool seek another tool to be its therapist?

Because sometimes even wrenches need a vice.

P.S.: I had just seen this video on here that showed a special vice grip for certain tools and random shaped objects. Was cool as hell. Enjoy!

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American writer Dorothy Parker was once asked "Why don't you go to church on sunday?"

She replied: "I'm too fucking busy and vice versa."

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

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I snatch kisses and....

Vice versa

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

A man is looking for a parking space...

And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."

The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.

"Neverm...

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol...

security comes to him and says "you can't park your bike here. Don't you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?"

the guy says "oh don't worry, I've chained my bike!"

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I only have one vice, I'm a chronic masturbator

You heard that right!

I don't smoke unless I'm drinking, I don't drink unless I'm gambling, and I don't gamble unless I'm masturbating!

Former US Vice President of the US Dan Quayle spelled the word ‘potato’ with an ‘e’ in it.

There’s no ‘e’ in potato, just a bunch of ‘i’s.

What’s the difference between a French university student and a Russian one?

The French student is well shaved and slightly drunk; the Russian one is vice versa

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A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.

He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa....

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

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Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"

1...

2...

2 and a half...

2 and three quarters...

2 and five sevenths...

Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gab...

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!

I like to use phrases wrong sometimes

And vice versa

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Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three ki...

President Trump is walking from the White House to his limousine

while out of nowhere, an assassin takes aim at him. The Vice President quickly, without much thought, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This catches the assassin off guard and he is then captured. Later, Trump asks the Vice President, "What on earth made you go 'Mickey Mouse'?!" to which the Vice President res...

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards

I'd call it Miami Vice Versa

I only have only one vice...

and that's to be screwed on top of my dirty workbench.

What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times?

Sixpence

I saw a former vice present playing bass recommend to me on Youtube.

I think something was wrong with its Al Gore rhythm.

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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The Plan

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."...

What do you call a nympho mechanic with a choking fetish?

A Vice Grip

What do you call a former Vice President keeping a beat?

Algorithm

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

Why I didn't get the job...

I applied for an executive position at a major corporation. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But the...

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk ...

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

Everyone thought that Obama's Vice President was done with politics after 2016, but now he's considering running for president in 2020.

I guess he was just Biden his time.

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured i...

What did Donald Trump do when he heard the Vice President was thirsty?

He gave Pensacola

A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"

"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is ...

Donald trump, the pope, Mike Pence, and a third grader are all on a plane about to crash with only 3 parachutes.

Mike Pence grabs a parachute and says “My life matters because I am the Vice President of the United States, and that is too important of a position to be given to anyone other than me” before jumping out of the plane.

Donald Trump grabs a bag and says “My life matters because I am the smarte...

What happens when Trump gets “jinx” called on him by the Vice President while campaigning in Florida?

He has to buy Mike Pensacola.

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These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

“I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

“Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." ...

I tried to help my friend, but he ended up addicted to marketing.

Guess you could say I gave him some ad-vice.

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So a prostitute offered me to do anything for 500 bucks..

I asked her to complete the remote helicopter mission in the GTA Vice City

Second chances.

A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers ...

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A king was skeptical of his wife cheating on him with one of the generals, so before his out of the country trip

He inserts a razor blade in her vagaina. After his return to the kingdom,2 weeks later, he has all of his generals line up and orders them to pull down their pants. All of them had a cut besides one general.

The king says to the general " you're my most loyal general, all these people have ...

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Conspiracy theorists think that Vice President Cheney stole someone's identity, and that his birth name is actually Bart.

It's not true. I've met him. He's a real Dick.

What do you call a set of calculations to determine the fluidity of a former Vice President's dance moves?

Al Gore rhythm algorithm

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

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A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."

To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drin...

Little Johnny is in class the day before summer break

Teacher: Alright class I’m going to ask a question and if you get it right you can go home early.
The first question is, what president is on the penny?

Little Johnny raises his hand

Teacher: Ummm Juanita go ahead

Juanita: Abraham Lincoln!

Teacher: Alright Juanita you...

I love making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’

It's really my ideal vice.

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Job Application

Apparently this is an actual job application submitted by a 17 year old boy at a McDonald's establishment in Florida...

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's avai...

One snowy day, Donald Trump is leaving the White House.

He notices that in a nearby snowbank, someone has urinated a message into the snow: "DIE DONALD!" He grabs his head of security and says, "I demand to know who's responsible for this! Get the Secret Service on it immediately!"

A week later, the security chief enters the Oval Office. "Sir,"...

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3 guys go to hell...

3 guys go to hell, and the devil greets them for orientation.
"You each came here for different reasons" he says, "but I'm going to let you pick one vice, and you can do that, but ONLY that, for eternity."

So he goes to the first guy, who was an alcoholic, and after a moment of thought th...

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

The traveling salesman's toast

To all the kisses I've snatched ...


and vice versa.

I said this when I was 6, and everyone laughed

Two twins came to our house one day, and I kept calling them the wrong names (they were their names, but I said Harry to Thomas and vice-versa)

My dad came to me and said 'can't tell them apart, can ya?'

'No dad, I can't tell 'em together!'

(Waits for downvotes)

Edit: fir...

Five cannibals get hired

Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised....

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.



A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"



"Well," s...

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A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) I...

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

What was the Rear Admiral’s only vice?

The Vice Admiral’s rear.

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Contingent morality

What do you call a contingent moral? A vice principal.

This little old lady...

So there's this little old lady who lost her husband. They had been high school sweethearts, married young, and lived together for 70 years until the day he died. She was a housewife her whole life and never even dated anyone else, so she moved into an assisted living facility when her husband passe...

In companies, if vice presidents are called V.P. why aren’t presidents called P?

Because they ain’t wise.

Joe Biden is very close to making a decision about a female Vice Presidential running mate.

Sources close to the matter have stated that he’s already given several of them his digits.

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

Why did Trump choose Mike Pence as Vice President?

To make sure that no one would assassinate him.

President Trump decided to play Mario Kart with his cabinet

He thought that this would be be a good bonding exercise with his staff so he bought a Wii and ordered his whole office to come into the oval office

Once everyone arrived there was a huge argument on who would play as what character, because everyone wanted to be Mario. Trump decided that thi...

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You have one wish . . .

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle E...

An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...

The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."

The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."

The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then f...

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

A. Because he couldn't lie.

Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?

A. Presidentures!

Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?

A. Really, really, really old!

Abraham Lincoln...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

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an illustrious lawyer dies and goes to hell...

... where he is greeted by the devil who says, "i have claimed your soul as one of the forsaken. for all of eternity, you will serve as my aide." this suited the lawyer's taste and so he handled clerical and correctional duties on behalf of the devil. for his first assignment, the devil takes him to...

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