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Mosquito Jokes

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

A mosquito was flying around an Oscars party.



First it bothered Emma Watson, then it landed on Natalie Portman. It then flew over to pester Jessica Alba and finally Gal Gadot before it was caught by security. During its interrogation, it confessed "I can't help it. I'm a sucker for a pretty face."

Mosquito came buzzing up and landed on me, said, "I just need a place to rest and maybe a bite to eat."

I said, "I feel you."

What does a mosquito and a biker have in common?

They're both really annoying but don't live long.

When a mosquito bites me and gets away I feel like a bank that just got robbed

extra points if someone can figure out how to work "blood bank" into this joke. nobody robs blood banks so...

During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem

They deployed the swat team.

Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying

His mom asked him "How do you feel?

He replied: It was wonderful,Everyone was clapping for me!

What would Mario say if he was a mosquito?

It's-a me, Malario!

A couple were watching a movie in a dark theater when a mosquito went inside the girl's pants. Can you guess where did the mosquito bite?

On the boyfriend's hand, you dirty minded perverts. Smh.

Where did the mosquito bite?

A couple was watching a movie in a dark theatre. A mosquito entered the girl's skirt. Where did it bite??



>!On the guy's hand!!!<

I find myself buying the same mosquito repellent my boyfriend gives me

I guess you could say he's rubbing Off on me

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What do pedophiles and mosquitos have In common?

People love beating the crap out of them.

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

Spouses are like mosquitoes

We don’t really mind them if we don’t have to listen to them.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

A mosquito is like a kid...

When he stops making noise, he is on to something!

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A mosquito landed on my balls

Hardest decision of my life.

I think my cholesterol might be too high,

A mosquito bit me, grabbed it's little chest and keeled over.

*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scaler.

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A father took his son fishing.

As he was preparing the fishing rods, his son tells him:
- Dad, i want to take a shit.
- Son, we’re in the great outdoors, you can take a shit anywhere!
The son left and came back a while later.
- Where did you shit?
- In the car, there are no mosquitos there.

What is the difference between a mosquito and a kinky girl?

Well the mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

How do you get rid of mosquitos?

Call the SWAT team.

What's the difference between a Mosque and a Mosquito?

The mosquito is smaller.

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"


The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

Why did the mosquito spend a lot of time playing cards?

Because he had a great poker face.

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

A story of a fly and mosquito

What’s the difference between fly and mosquito -:
A mosquito can fly,but fly can’t mosquito.

What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her

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What do mosquitoes and my job have in common?

They both suck and annoy the ever living piss out of me.

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

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When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind?

His ass.

A young mosquito returned to its mother.

How was your flight dear? asked mom.

It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson

Son, you did good?
Terrific! Everyone clapped

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito byte.

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

A computer got bitten by a mosquito

Its got mal-waria

A young mosquito tries flying for the first time

When the mosquito came back, the mother asks,
"how was your first flight dear?"

The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"

My 4 year old came up with this one: How do you turn a fly into a mosquito?

With Magic.

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like

Yeah, this is big brain time

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common?

They're both blood sucking parasites.

There are thousands of different mosquito species

And they all suck.

Mosquitos in Africa be like

It's-a me! Malario!

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

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Minnesota humor

My family and I used to go camping on the BWCA. The mosquitoes were pretty bad, but we took care of 'em.

We'd capture 'em and pull out the stingers.

And then we'd just use 'em as tent stakes.

Did you know avarage person eats 8 mosquitoes

Whenever i cook for them.

I was about to slap a mosquito that’s still in the middle of sipping my blood...

But then I realised that we have exactly the same blood in our bodies. We are family now.

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!


GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

I've got the attention span of a mosquito.

It sucks.

If only mosquito nets were handed out in Africa.

Each year we could save millions of mosquitoes dying needlessly of AIDS

How do you identify a female? Easy. They're the only ones that hurt you.

Male mosquitoes on the other hand are basically harmless

What do you call a fascist mosquito?

Benito Mosquitollini

Two mosquitoes go on a date.

The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

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After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

What do you call a mosquito that is found funny?

Malarious

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.

I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch"

To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant.

But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites.

It’s one hell of a niche.

Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke

I thought it was Malarious.

I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

Is that you, Mr. Mosquito?

In the flesh!

There's nothing scarier then a mosquito

coming out of Magic Johnson's house

If life is just a game, then mosquitos aren’t bugs

They’re features

What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito

Himalarya

Mosquitoes

Suck

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Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend?

He saw her sucking someone else.

Mosquitoes are like family...

They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood.

I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.

Now he'll never have any friends.

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What is the difference between a mosquito and a horny female?



A Mosquito stops sucking after being slapped.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

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If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room...

... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead.

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

How do you know if the mosquitos are really big?

When their sucking feels good.

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A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.

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