What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

There are thousands of different mosquito species

And they all suck.

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What do mosquitoes and my job have in common?

They both suck and annoy the ever living piss out of me.

Did you know avarage person eats 8 mosquitoes

Whenever i cook for them.

You know why people hate mosquitos?

Because they suck.

Difference between mosquito and a fly.



A mosquito can fly but a fly can't mosquito.

A young mosquito returns to its Mother

"How is your flight dear?" Ask the mother.

"it's great mom! Everyone clapped for me!"

Mosquitos in Africa be like

It's-a me! Malario!

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.

One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.

Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”

Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”

Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”

When a mosquito lands on your balls,

is the moment when you realize violence is not the answer

A young mosquito tries flying for the first time

When the mosquito came back, the mother asks,
"how was your first flight dear?"

The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"

What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.

EDIT: sorry, type-O

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke

I thought it was Malarious.

*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!


GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

I've got the attention span of a mosquito.

It sucks.

If life is just a game, then mosquitos aren’t bugs

They’re features

I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep

Easiest decision of my life

What do you call a small, Muslim house of worship located in Mexico?

A mosquito.

Two mosquitoes go on a date.

The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”

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What is the difference between a mosquito and a horny female?



A Mosquito stops sucking after being slapped.

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites.

It’s one hell of a niche.

Why are mosquitos jokes so funny?

They tend to be milarious.

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

God wanted to make sure that every man would get sucked at least once in his life

So he created mosquitoes

what’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

The mosquito stop sucking after you slap it.



btw i remembered this joke for a while back, so if you find sauce gimme that too :)

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

Is that you, Mr. Mosquito?

In the flesh!

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Day number 457 without sex...

A mosquito was sucking on my neck and I moaned a little

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I just got my ass eaten yesterday!

Yup just found the mosquito bite this morning

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then we could save millions of...... mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito

Himalarya

How many mosquitoes did Noah kill on the ark?

Zzzzzzero

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A truck driver stopped and lifted a prostitute

While on the highway, she was giving him a BJ and just when he was going to finish he twitched and accidentaly flipped the truck causing a huge wreckage and his dick falling off and flying away.

On the other side of the road came a car with a dad and his 10 year old daughter. Out of the blue ...

To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant.

But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

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Finally got my cock sucked!!

And then I killed the mosquito.

Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito byte.

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.

I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch"

What's something twitch streamers and Mosquitoes have in common?

They both hate being swatted.

It is only when you see a mosquito land on your balls...

that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence.

Mosquitoes are like family...

They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood.

Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside.

This is called confusing the enemy

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day...

It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people...

I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.

What do you get when you perform a bad vocal solo to a crowd of mosquitoes?

Malaria.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

Mosquitoes

Suck

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A man in a motel called for a prostitute.

The pimp replied " $50 for an ugly one, $500 for a pretty one. " The man wanted an ugly one.

She arrived and undressed herself and was told to sit naked on the sofa overnight.

In the morning, she asked "Why did you call me to come here? "

He replied " There are too many mosq...

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this?

BuzzFeed

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If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room...

... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead.

Beggars are like mosquitos...

You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.

How do you know if the mosquitos are really big?

When their sucking feels good.





A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.

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