UPJOKE
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A mosquito is like a kid...

When he stops making noise, he is on to something!

A couple were watching a movie in a dark theater when a mosquito went inside the girl's pants. Can you guess where did the mosquito bite?

On the boyfriend's hand, you dirty minded perverts. Smh.

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A mosquito landed on my balls

Hardest decision of my life.

What's the difference between a Mosque and a Mosquito?

The mosquito is smaller.

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"


The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

Why did the mosquito spend a lot of time playing cards?

Because he had a great poker face.

What would Mario say if he was a mosquito?

It's-a me, Malario!

How do you get rid of mosquitos?

Call the SWAT team.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scaler.

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

What is the difference between a mosquito and a kinky girl?

Well the mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

A story of a fly and mosquito

What’s the difference between fly and mosquito -:
A mosquito can fly,but fly can’t mosquito.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

My 4 year old came up with this one: How do you turn a fly into a mosquito?

With Magic.

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After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

A young mosquito returned to its mother.

How was your flight dear? asked mom.

It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson

Son, you did good?
Terrific! Everyone clapped

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What do mosquitoes and my job have in common?

They both suck and annoy the ever living piss out of me.

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When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind?

His ass.

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like

Yeah, this is big brain time

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

Mosquitos in Africa be like

It's-a me! Malario!

There are thousands of different mosquito species

And they all suck.

A young mosquito tries flying for the first time

When the mosquito came back, the mother asks,
"how was your first flight dear?"

The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"

A computer got bitten by a mosquito

Its got mal-waria

Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito byte.

“I went fishing with my new tackle and got plenty of bites.”

“Trout?”

“No, mosquitoes.”

Did you know avarage person eats 8 mosquitoes

Whenever i cook for them.

What do you call a fascist mosquito?

Benito Mosquitollini

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

I've got the attention span of a mosquito.

It sucks.

[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!


GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

Two mosquitoes go on a date.

The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”

It is only when you see a mosquito land on your balls...

that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence.

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke

I thought it was Malarious.

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.

EDIT: sorry, type-O

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

What do you call a mosquito that is found funny?

Malarious

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.

I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch"

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant.

But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

Why does a mosquito buzz in your ears?

It doesn't. It buzzes everywhere, only you can hear it from your ears.

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day...

It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.

Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.

One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.

Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”

Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”

Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”

If life is just a game, then mosquitos aren’t bugs

They’re features

Is that you, Mr. Mosquito?

In the flesh!

What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito

Himalarya

Mosquitoes

What sound does an American mosquito make?
BzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz

What sound does a Canadian mosquito make?
EhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHh

Mosquitoes are like family...

They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood.

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

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What is the difference between a mosquito and a horny female?



A Mosquito stops sucking after being slapped.

Mosquitos suck

No really, they do

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this?

BuzzFeed

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Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend?

He saw her sucking someone else.

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If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room...

... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead.

How many mosquitoes did Noah kill on the ark?

Zzzzzzero

How do you know if the mosquitos are really big?

When their sucking feels good.





A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.

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