It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"

The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

My 4 year old came up with this one: How do you turn a fly into a mosquito?

With Magic.

A young mosquito returned to its mother.

How was your flight dear? asked mom.

It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector

Me when bitten by a mosquito

Well that bloody sucks

A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson

Son, you did good?
Terrific! Everyone clapped

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A mosquito landed on my balls

Hardest decision of my life.

*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

What’s the difference between me and a mosquito?

I don’t stop sucking when you slap me.

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When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind?

His ass.

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

A computer got bitten by a mosquito

Its got mal-waria

People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like

Yeah, this is big brain time

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What do mosquitoes and my job have in common?

They both suck and annoy the ever living piss out of me.

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

Mosquitos in Africa be like

It's-a me! Malario!

What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common?

They're both blood sucking parasites.

A young mosquito tries flying for the first time

When the mosquito came back, the mother asks,
"how was your first flight dear?"

The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"

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Who knew that by setting a mosquito free, that one day..

..it would come back and bite me in the ass.

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

Did you know avarage person eats 8 mosquitoes

Whenever i cook for them.

Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.

One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.

Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”

Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”

Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”

Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke

I thought it was Malarious.

I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

When a mosquito lands on your balls,

is the moment when you realize violence is not the answer

There are thousands of different mosquito species

And they all suck.

Mosquitos suck

No really, they do

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.

EDIT: sorry, type-O

[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!


GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

If only mosquito nets were handed out in Africa.

Each year we could save millions of mosquitoes dying needlessly of AIDS

If life is just a game, then mosquitos aren’t bugs

They’re features

Two mosquitoes go on a date.

The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

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American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

I've got the attention span of a mosquito.

It sucks.

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page

A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?

Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.

Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito byte.

I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites.

It’s one hell of a niche.

It is only when you see a mosquito land on your balls...

that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence.

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What is the difference between a mosquito and a horny female?



A Mosquito stops sucking after being slapped.

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

What do you call a mosquito that is found funny?

Malarious

To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant.

But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

Is that you, Mr. Mosquito?

In the flesh!

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

I was about to slap a mosquito that’s still in the middle of sipping my blood...

But then I realised that we have exactly the same blood in our bodies. We are family now.

What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito

Himalarya

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.

I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch"

Mosquitoes

What sound does an American mosquito make?
BzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz

What sound does a Canadian mosquito make?
EhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHh

Who sings before eating?

A mosquito

How was it like, flying for the first time?

"I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.

Mosquitoes are like family...

They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood.

TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people...

I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.

Beggars are like mosquitos...

You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside.

This is called confusing the enemy

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this?

BuzzFeed

A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day...

It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

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If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room...

... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead.

How do you know if the mosquitos are really big?

When their sucking feels good.





A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.

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