I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

I joined a debate club today, when I arrived everyone was pleasuring themselves

They were mass debating.

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How do you call someone that really enjoys pleasuring their partner’s asshole?

A crack addict.

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

What's the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber

"What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

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I came home early and caught my wife pleasuring my best friend...

...but it's okay. Masturbation is perfectly healthy and natural.

What do you call Einstein pleasuring himself?

A stroke of genius.

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I hired a porno the other day but instead of seeing hot young ladies pleasuring each other, the movie consisted entirely of some fat old man sitting on his couch holding his dick.

Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

Priest and the Camera

Twice a week the local parish priest liked to go up on the roof of the rectory and crank one out. He had decided that this was probably the most discreet and secure place he could be and not be discovered. One day a tourist on a nearby tower was taking pictures of the city landscape and noticed the ...

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

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