So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end.. (Nsfw)
So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end. . . I slide on down over to her and we start talking.
After a while of chatting and a few rounds I said "Listen honey, I was wondering if after we finish these drinks, you'd like to come bac...
The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
On a first date, a lovely young lady asks, 'So what are your hobbies?'
The man replies, 'I like running, hunting, and people watching'
The lady says, 'Oh that's cool. I'm also a runner.'
The man says, 'I know.'
As an Englishman I'll be enjoying a lovely Brexit Dinner this year....
It's like a regular Christmas Dinner, but there's no Brussels.
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...
The other day I took my lovely wife/sister and our 2 children out to see the chimps at the birmingham zoo, but there was so much hurling of feces.
So the monkeys started throwing it back.
My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”
Terrible cabinet maker.
A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"
I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...
Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."
Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.
A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.
The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my father before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”
Whoosh, and so it was.
The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”
Bang, there was a wall around E...
I have a lovely wife, good friends, and a respected family.
My friend wants me to leave all that and focus on my schizophrenia therapy.