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My boss said that salary should not determine job satisfaction.

"Try telling billions of parents that ejaculation should not determine sexual satisfaction," was enough to get me fired.

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What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?

What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?

"What the Fuck!" and "What a Fuck!"

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A tea bag!

I always get this feeling of satisfaction when I give money to a homeless person

Especially when they put away the knife...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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There's a strange look of satisfaction from alot of dudes coming from that class...

I guess a lot of girls wanted to go down in history.

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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Sexual Satisfaction

"Hi. Couldn't help but notice the book you're reading"

"Yes, it's about finding sexual satisfaction. It's interesting. Did you know that, statistically, American Indian and Polish men are the best lovers? By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Flying Cloud Kowalski. Nice to meet ...

How do dolphins get job satisfaction?

By working in positions that give them a sense of porpoise.

It is a little risky to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” from the internet. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly safe however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.

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An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

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Barrel Satisfaction

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life since there would be no women on the ship.
"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

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NSFW an old one told to me long ago

A woman walks into an small cantina and sees a live frog sitting on the shelf. She proceeds to ask the bartender "what's up with the frog?"

Bartender replies: "That there frog is guaranteed to get any woman off"

The woman laughs it off

Time goes by, a few drinks later she asks.....

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey t...

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A young mailman gets gets farewell...

A young mailman is transferred to another town and as he did a very good job at his work, the people of the town decided to greet him with something on the last day.

The mailman goes from one house to other collecting gifts and treats.

One lady gives him some cash to show her gratitude...

Why are the Rolling Stones always sad?

They can't get no satisfaction.

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The satisfaction.

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Three soldiers were getting really sexually frustrated on a military camp

Because of their desperation, they sought an appointment with the captain himself.

"We miss our wives," one of them said.

The captain being the observant leader that he was, knew that these poor men weren't getting enough satisfaction.

"Men" the captain started, "I'm aware of yo...

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A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.

The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."

To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."

The discussion goes on ...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."

"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Run up and down to keep warm," the L...

I beat my wife everyday

Sometimes she screams so loud that I'm worried the neighbors would hear us. She constantly cries, begging me to stop. I know it’s not a nice thing to do. I just get so much satisfaction from her suffering. But tell me, should I just let her win a game of Super Smash Bros for once?

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Too good not to share..

\*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!\*


\*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panti...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time and I was so nervous. Fear rode me like a well versed Jockey. But people do it all the time right? It can't be that bad....
and that comfort and satisfaction at the end should be well worth any pain I receiv...

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds

"Look Michael, look what I've made", said God. Archangel Michael looked pu...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

An old lady goes to the doctor.

"Doctor," she says, "I keep farting, but my farts are silent and odorless. In fact I have farted 20 times since I was in your office but since my farts are noiseless and do not smell you have not noticed."
The doctor gives the lady some pills and instructs her to return after one week.
One wee...

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A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man wa...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open...

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The Bear and the Hunter

A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he's puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear....

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Reincarnation

Dave, who was completely wasted, returns home late at night and slips into bed next to his wife Susan, who was already tight asleep.
When he woke up, he saw a weird looking man standing next to his bed in a long white dress.

-"Who are you?", asked Dave.

-"I'm Saint Peter!"

-"...

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Some funny pick up lines

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes.

If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS?

My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can't hold it in.

If i said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

Ni...

Once upon a time

There was a very happy, married couple who ran a small farm.

They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.

The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. “One day, you’ll spill your g...

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

A redditor really wants to make the front page

It's always been his dream, and he wants to get a lot of karma.

So he starts praying to God. He says, "Please God, I really want to make the front page. Help me make my dream a reality."

Weeks go by and it still hasn't happened. So he tries again,

"God please, I just want to mak...

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

Guy meets a girl at the bar...

... and they get along really well. They decide to take it back to her place. On the cab ride they get frisky, the elevator ride up they're getting riled up, and by the time they get in the door they strip off in a mad fit of passion and drop to the floor right there, going at it at her request.
...

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A CEO has a business meeting in Japan

He flies in the day before and is going to stay at a hotel when he decides to spice things up and hires a prostitute. That night, in the room, they are fucking when she starts screaming "anachigai, anachigai" which he assumes is just encouragement of some kind as he doesn't speak Japanese. The prost...

I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, girl walked up to me.

She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts sucking me as if she's dying of thirst. She sucked long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.

Then I realised I'm a straw.

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The English gentleman..

..Mr. Harold James Blessing was a renowned person. He’d retired from service in the British Army, and was revered and liked by all in the town for his best qualities.

One day, while visiting the countryside where he was quite popular, he spotted an immensely pretty, dazzling, drop dead gorgeo...

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The Clitoris Licking Frog

A new exotic adults' toy shop opens in town and Joan, a middle-aged spinster decides to go and check out their wares in hopes to satisfy her usually unquenchable urges.
A poster in the shop window immediately catches Joan's eye. 'NEW Clitoris Licking Frog - Guaranteed satisfaction in minutes'. ...

Preaching to a bear

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi argue who of them is the best preacher of their faith. The decide to settle the matter by going deep into the woods and trying to convert a bear. When they meet one week later, the Catholic and Orthodox priests are beaming with smug satisfaction, whi...

So a chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.

The chicken slowly puffs on a cigarette as he radiates satisfaction. The frustrated egg turns to him and barks, "Well I guess that answers that question."

Lie Competition

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We ...

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A man has a 25 inch penis

A man has a 25 inch penis. This is much too long, and he is never able to get any satisfaction from his relationships, and had grown tired of accidentally hurting his partners. So, one day he decides to do something about it. He goes to the doctor, and asks if the doctor can shrink his penis. The do...

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror he noticed that a small object followed by a trail of dust was closing fast. His curiosity piqued he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the object came into ...

Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managem...

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Well Trained Frogs

A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo. In the back of the shop, she sees an aquarium filled with giant frogs. She asks the owner of the shop about the frogs.


“These are very special frogs. I have trained them personally to give the best cunnilingus in the world.”

The...

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A bear chases a rabbit though the woods.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods,
The bear leaps and catches the rabbit, doing so they both roll into a ditch.

During the roll, both the bear and rabbit accidently rubbed against a lamp.
The lamp begins to shake and let's loose a genie.
"Thank you both my friends, as a r...

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So, two old ladies are outside on a bench smoking...

...when it begins to rain. The first old woman flicks her cigarette away, knowing it's going to be put out. The second of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, cuts the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette. The first woman asks "What on earth is that?" "Oh, it's a condom, ...

Blonde painter

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," s...

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A man walks into a bar

and sits down at a table. On the table, in front of the man, were two small white stripes on the table, about 4-5 inches from the man. When the waiter comes, the man asks why there are two white stripes on his table.

Waiter: "Oh, yesterday, two drunk men were arguing about which one has the b...

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A husband and wife are in a car crash

They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the crash and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.

The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband ...

A new novice comes to a monastery...

and the abbot gives him a tour. After showing him all the rooms, he leads him to a wardrobe in the back of the dormitory. He says to him: "If you ever feel... earthly desires, you can go into this wardrobe."

"What happens in it?"

"You'll be given head to give your earthly desires a hea...

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I realized why so many more men are astronauts.

It's because we get our training when we pee.

* We're working within a narrow margin.

* A modest overshot means an unsatisfactory splashdown.

* If we screw up, our own satisfaction be damned, we're pissing off more than ourselves.

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How to Clean your Mouse

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operat...

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