The 105+ Best Thrill Jokes

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

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Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

I'm not thrilled my wife is into bondage

but my hands are tied

I just watched a really thrilling bondage competition.

The winner tied last place.

When Robert's wife got a job as a seamstress he was absolutely thrilled.

Because he knew she'd need her bobbin every day!

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.

Priests are thrilled...

They get to keep their gatherings under 10.

Many centuries ago, some thrill-seeking kings & queens would hire a special kind of jester to sneak up on them and try to scare the heck outta them at bedtime, what was it called?

Nightmare fool.

Cannibalism is a real thrill

Nail-biting from start to finish.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

I'm not to thrilled with our solar system

I rate it one star

What did the Mexican cannibal want to eat, after going on thrill rides at the county fair?

Carny Asada

I'm super-thrilled to announce that I am now a member of the DNA!

You know, the National Dyslexia Association!

As much of a thrill-seeker as I am, I would never bungee jump...

I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I’m not going out because of one...

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

A comely redhead was thrilled.....

......... to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the tr...

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Dude just got married and is thrilled with idea of having sex almost every day.

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist [OC]

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wa...

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

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In a recent survey on why men like BlowJobs 6% like the feeling, 12% like the thrill and...

...82% just like the silence.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

I was watching a horror movie and was screaming at the main character to not go through the door

My wife asks me from the kitchen what movie am I watching.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her it's our wedding tape.

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What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?

The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

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A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, e...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked whe...

Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?

A young man wanting dreadfully to be an actor went to the director of a local theater and asked for a part - any part however small. The director looked at him skeptically and did not have much faith the fellow could perform. But he cut him some slack and agreed to a very small part. The line he wer...

My son Anakin loves that I named all of our children after Star Wars characters

My daughter Chewbacca, however, is less thrilled.

My Scottish girlfriend said she needed more space.

She wasn’t too thrilled when I surprised her at work with habaneros.

Prom

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were r...

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon ...

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

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A frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

A young man is vacationing in Spain…

… when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.

The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hoste...

I'm filling in for my friend who got hung over from yesterday's drinking..

His patients wont be thrilled if they knew I never went to Dental College

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum secu...

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My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it’s his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife’s sister) doesn’t have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet acros...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A pastor walked by a ranch when he noticed a sign, "Christian Horse for Sale"

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." Th...

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Hanging out at the bar, a man is talking to his friend and says,

“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I’m stumped.”

His friend has an idea.

“Why don’t you make up a gift certificate that says she can have 2 hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll prob...

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a man gets on a public bus...

A man gets on a public bus, and sees a very attractive nun. He goes over to sit by the nun, and starts talking her up, trying to get her to come home with him. She refuses his advances, and eventually gets off the bus. The guy, however, couldn't get her out of his head, so he went up and asked the b...

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A Great Birthday Idea

A guy doesn't know what to get his wife for her birthday, so he makes up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. He thinks she will be thrilled.

He gives it to her and asks if she likes it.

"Oh yes!" She says as she jumps up, thanks him, kisse...

I went to a theme park today, but I honestly thought it was a waste of money.

If I wanted to wait ages for a quick thrill, I'd go home to my wife.

A trip to the doctor...

Doctor: "You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"

Me: "Oh great!"

Doctor: "No, brain cancer is way worse."

I saw my neighbor carrying bags of shopping up to his apartment, impressed, I offered him a hand.

He wasn’t thrilled with my applause

It's my wife's birthday next week and I've managed to get her this year's must haves!

A 4-pack of toilet roll and a bag of Fusilli! She is going to be thrilled!

A Classic!

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in af...

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Four Men Went Golfing Together

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a fri...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

I finally beat that boss!

...however, my co-workers aren't thrilled about it...

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

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a guy goes to a bar...

... and after an hour, this smoking hot blonde approaches him. he offers her a drink, and they talk for a bit.

eventually she says, "i haven't had a dick for two weeks, you wanna go back to your place?" the guy is thrilled as they venture back to his apartment. the guy cannot believe his luck...

My wife got really mad when she found me kissing her twin during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He is not too thrilled about it either.

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

The Band ACDC was Arrested For Firearm Possession...

They told the officer they only Shoot to Thrill

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

I slept with a married woman on V day

Wife was thrilled, needless to say.

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A man goes to see his urologist

about a problem he's having. "Well," says the doctor, "let's have a look at the little- Jesus Christ, that's quite the schlong you've got there!" - "Yeah, you see, it's 15 inches and scares the girls away. I'd really like to have it shortened by a few." The urologist contemplates the man's request s...

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

A blonde goes to court

A blonde goes to court.

Eventually the judge says: “I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.”

The blonde is thrilled: “Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?”

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

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A limerick for Grangemouth, Falkirk, Scotland

In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary

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Depression Era Prostitute NSFW

Three generations of prostitutes were hanging out on the street corner talking about their day.

The youngest complains “I just sucked that guy off and all I got was a lousy $50!”

The middle aged one says “$50?!?! Hell, when I was your age I would be thrilled with $10!”

The eldes...

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A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts o...

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

An artist, a lawyer, and a gamer are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered...

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The gamer says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks...

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A couple Limericks...

There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
S...

A woman gets accidentally pregnant as a teenager and ends up giving birth to twin boys...

Unfortunately, she is forced to give them up for adoption since she doesn't have the resources to support them, and the father wants nothing to do with them since he is a teenager himself. In the hope that she will get to see them some day, she leaves her personal information with the adoption agenc...

A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"

The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intens...

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

My Homecoming Dance

I was at my homecoming dance when I noticed a kid in the corner looking miserable. Feeling bad, I went over there and asked him what was wrong? He responded that no one would ever want to dance with him because of his wooden eye.

Upon hearing this, I made it my mission to find the boy a d...

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4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

Mikey loves tractors

It's coming up to little Mikey's 5th birthday and his dad asks him what he'd like as a present. "TRACTOR" says Mikey. Makes sense, thinks his dad, kids love tractors. So he buys him a little toy tractor and Mikey is over the moon, takes the little tractor with him everywhere.

Coming up to Mik...

An old snail walks into a car dealership

An old snail walks into a car dealership and tells the salesman he's looking for the flashiest, most expensive sports car he's got. The old snail explains he's been working hard and saving his whole life and this car is to be his reward.

The salesman is thrilled and shows the old snail a brig...

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

The old shoemaker

Chet is going through his recently deceased father's stuff. He finds a twenty year old shoe repair claim ticket from Ginsberg's shoe repair.

Knowing that old man Ginsberg had been running his shop for over 30 years, Chet, on a whim decides to sees if he can claim his father's shoes.
...

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A small town Sheriff catches a rapist and con man.

While thrilled that he finally caught the two, he wasn't sure what to do with them as the town jail in need of repairs and he didn't have staff to watch them.

He got the idea of letting the townspeople teach them a lesson and to raise money at the same time.

The next day, he tied the...

What did I do wrong?

My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving...

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A man brings his young son to a bar...

... and orders a beer. The son asks "Daddy, can I have a beer too ?"

The father asks "Son, does your penis reach your asshole yet ?

- Well I don't think so no

- You can't drink then."

Then the father lights a cigarette. The kid asks "Daddy, can I smoke too ?

- Son,...

Once there was a man named Al.

Once there was a man named Al. Al was happy in many ways. However, he soon took to cards for a bit of thrill in his life. He never cheated, despite his opponents doing so. Al decided he was happy.

In time, Al began to grow tired of playing with cheaters. He began to go to the pub every night,...

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An elderly couple goes out for dinner to the same restaurant they'd had their first date at 50 years before...

They have a little wine and grow tipsy. The lady asks her husband, "Do you remember what happened the first time you took me to this restaurant?"

"Yes," the old guy says with a wink. "I took you out back and made love to you up against the back fence."

She takes another sip of wine. "I...

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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks wer...

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