Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…

Glad I wasn't there....

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine..

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I'm glad I learned how to masturbate.

It's come in handy.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”The apprentice did just as he was told.

And now he’s the village blacksmith.

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I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with someone

sex is way more fun when I'm cheating on my wife!

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I'm glad everyone is taking Covi-19 seriously.

Just saw a bum vaccinating himself under a bridge.

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

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I’m so glad that gay-pride month is over

Now I can have sex with women again.

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I'm glad I let my girlfriend move in with me.

If it wasn't for her, I'd have never known that shoes don't fucking go there.

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I'm glad they split off fat camp from incontinence camp

Fat people get shit on enough

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I'm glad the short form of cockroach is roach and not the other way around.

I dont think people want to hear 'There's a cock in my bedroom'

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

My friend told me he’s glad that he’s a bus driver so I said why and he said

“So I won’t have to die alone”.

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

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The pickle factory

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately,
he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the
pickle slicer.

This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more.
So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation
of his. He sp...

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

A pair of cows...

... were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

I'm glad someone thinks I keep my house so clean, one could eat off the floors.

Too bad it's only my dog who thinks that.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Math

99.8% people have problems with math.


I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

I was traveling on business, and the night before I came home I called my wife.

I told her, "When I get home, I want to make love with you so badly!"

She said, "I'm glad to see you've stopped overestimating your abilities."

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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My wife fell on the vacuum cleaner the other day and had to go to hospital as it got stuck in her vagina

You’ll be glad to hear she’s not quite back on her feet, but she’s picking up well

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

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The Kind Manager

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man...

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

In 1946, Winston Churchill travelled to Fulton, Missouri.

He was there to deliver a speech and to present at the dedication of a bust in his honour.

After his speech, an attractive and ample woman approached the wartime Prime Minister of England and said, "Mr. Churchill, I have travelled over a hundred miles for the unveiling of your bust."

C...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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So a woman was sitting at home one day…

And the doorbell rang. She popped up to go check the door to find it was the milk man. She says “I’m so glad you’re hear! I was just watching a tv show on how bathing in milk can be GREAT for your skin! So I’d like enough milk to fill up my bathtub!” The milk man replied “oh really, you don’t say?? ...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

What is the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?

"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

I'm glad I'm not working in hospice.

I would lose my patients all the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

I'm so glad I learned to lockpick.

It's opened so many doors for me.

I’m glad I splurged on an expensive mattress during quarantine.

I can now have my dream vacation.

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

I'm actually glad there are people who would dance on my grave, because the joke is on them.

I'm getting buried at sea.

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I'm glad they are taking down these Confederate statues

I don't believe in participation trophies.

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship

I really dodged a bullet

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A guy grows a third testicle...

So he goes to the doctor. The doc takes a look and says "Nothing to worry about. You should be glad, makes you more of a man"

So the guy is kinda happy after thinking about it, and on his way home he stops a guy and says "Dude, we've got five balls between us" The other guy doesn't know what ...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

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Santa & Preeto on a farm!

Santa Singh and his wife Preeto were living in Assam on a farm up in the hills.


One day, Santa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Preeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.


Preeto says, "Why don't you go...

I’m really glad I didn’t turn out to be a biter, y’know?

Some people, when they’re kids, tend to bite others while playing, which isn’t good. What’s worse is that some never grow out of it, like my mom, apparently. Every so often, I’d hear her and dad playing from across the house, and, every single time, he’d have to tell her to bite the pillows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really glad boobies have nipples....

If not they would be pointless..

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

I'm glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.

Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!

You know, I’m glad I’m not cross eyed ...

Because the then I’d have love at second sight.

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I'm glad we have that sex offender registry.

Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.

Preacher Bob liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday...

They met one week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sisters, I'll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?"

Miss Bertha piped up, "I Shall Not Be Moved!"

They met the next week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sister...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

I’m really glad that I wasn’t born in Ukraine.

I don’t speak a word of Ukrainian.

I'm glad I know sign language...

It's comes in handy handy.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

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I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm glad those two are back together after all that shit..."

"Who?"

"My arse cheeks!"

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

I’m so glad Doctor Who is back.

It’s about time.

One thing at a time.

Once upon a time, a little old lady went to the doctor.

She said, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I've had an constant problem with flatulence for weeks now. It's not much inconvenience, because they're quiet, and they don't stink, but I've farted 4 times just while I explained this to ...

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow

The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director,...

i'm glad the minecraft good fortnite bad trend is over

there's a difference between memes and just telling facts

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

Golfing and leprechauns.

One day a man was playing golf in Ireland and he sliced his drive and the ball went over to the side of the course and he heard an "ouch". The man looked over to investigate and saw that it was a leprechaun that he had hit with his ball.

"Oh I'm so sorry" said the man helping the leprechaun b...

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

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A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Person: Super easy, it was right next to the potatoes!

My wife and I were walking out of a restaurant with a doggie bag, when we saw a young teen in shabby clothes sitting on the sidewalk

He asked if he could have our leftovers, so I gladly gave them to him.

I asked him if he was an orphan.

He said "Yes I am - what gave me away?"

I replied "Obviously, your parents."

Me: you better be glad your mother had my offspring Son: why

Cause your gonna go far kid

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I'm glad my parents told me I was adopted...

But everyday feels excessive.

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me she was glad that she finally met a nice guy with a big dick and a fat wallet.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

I'm glad my grandfather died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

9/10 Redditors are fucking idiots

Glad to be in that 1%

In the middle of his administration, President Trump went to give a speech to a prison…

Trump’s speech writer had everything ready for him except for the opening line.

“How about ‘My fellow Americans..’” Trump suggested.
“I’m sorry Mr. President but many prisoners may be of foreign nationality.” His speech writer warned.

“Okay. Then ‘My fellow citizens…’”

“I’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Glad my friend finally found a good diet/lifestyle to lose her weight without being miserable all the time.

Considering how she's allergic to everything. It's nice to see there is such a thing that is gluten-free and dairy free. She seems stronger, more energetic, more alert than usual. She even looks a lot skinnier as advertisement, too. I heard some celebrity follow this diet but don't tell anyone since...

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A young sailor (loooong)NSFW

A young sailor who just got married, was sent out to sea shortly after his honeymoon. Having been a virgin when he got married he soon was “frustrated”. The Skipper of the ship frequently walked the passageways talking to his sailors. On once such tour he met the young man. The young sailor when ask...

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house

from her first husband.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

I'm glad I'm good at making musical puns

Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.

I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.

We don't have to pose for pictures.

Why is the priest glad Little Johnny has such short legs?

Because he always ends up asking to have his stool pushed in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am glad they have let women in the military.

It used to be a real pain in the ass.

I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough to tell me.

But why every half hour?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just ask for Sally

So there is this guy, let's call him Joe.

Joe wakes up one day and realizes not only is it pay day, but he has the day off. So Joe goes through his regular morning ritual and then pays some bills, gets groceries and thinks to himself "well I have everything I need so let's have some fun."...

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

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