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Glad Jokes

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship

I really dodged a bullet

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

GOD said, Adam, I want you to do something for me. Gladly, Lord, replied Adam. What do you want me to do? Go down into the valley. Whats a valley? asked Adam.

God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.
Whats a river?
God explained it to him, and then continued, Go over the hill.
Whats a hill?
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.
Whats a cave?
After God explained, he...

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

I'm just glad Eminem will never be a mass shooter

He only gets one shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad everyone is taking Covi-19 seriously.

Just saw a bum vaccinating himself under a bridge.

I’m so glad my grandchildren like to eat my bowl of peanuts I leave out on my dining room table

I can only suck the chocolate off of them

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad I learned how to masturbate.

It's come in handy.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

I'm glad to report that I realized my dream

last night I dreamt that I was peeing and when I woke up I found out that indeed I was peeing

I’m so glad Doctor Who is back.

It’s about time.

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I'm glad I let my girlfriend move in with me.

If it wasn't for her, I'd have never known shoes don't fucking go there.

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

(TW! INCOMING DAD JOKE) I’m so glad we have sidewalks…

They keep people off the streets

I'm glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.

Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

The US has placed 18th for math…

It sounds bad, I’m just glad we hit top ten.

I'm so glad I learned to lockpick.

It's opened so many doors for me.

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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I'm really glad boobies have nipples....

If not they would be pointless..

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

I'm glad I know sign language,

it's pretty handy.

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I’m so glad that gay-pride month is over

Now I can have sex with women again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad they are taking down these Confederate statues

I don't believe in participation trophies.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

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I'm glad the short form of cockroach is roach and not the other way around.

I dont think people want to hear 'There's a cock in my bedroom'

I’m glad the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is only administered once...

...I don’t think I want two shots to the Johnson.

In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with someone

sex is way more fun when I'm cheating on my wife!

I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.

We don't have to pose for pictures.

I’m glad I splurged on an expensive mattress during quarantine.

I can now have my dream vacation.

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands i...

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

I'm glad my parents told me I was adopted...

But everyday feels excessive.

You know, I’m glad I’m not cross eyed ...

Because the then I’d have love at second sight.

I'm glad I'm good at making musical puns

Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.

I am glad

... that everyone reading this is on the same page.

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

I'm really glad they invented shampoo.

imagine having to wash your hair with real poo?

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”The apprentice did just as he was told.

And now he’s the village blacksmith.

I'm glad the Astros won the World Series

The people of Houston have waded so long for this.

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4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St...

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

I'm glad my grandfather died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm glad those two are back together after all that shit..."

"Who?"

"My arse cheeks!"

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

I’m really glad I didn’t turn out to be a biter, y’know?

Some people, when they’re kids, tend to bite others while playing, which isn’t good. What’s worse is that some never grow out of it, like my mom, apparently. Every so often, I’d hear her and dad playing from across the house, and, every single time, he’d have to tell her to bite the pillows.

I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house

from her first husband.

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

Me: you better be glad your mother had my offspring Son: why

Cause your gonna go far kid

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I am glad they have let women in the military.

It used to be a real pain in the ass.

Glad marijuana is being legalized.

It sure helps coping with the election results.

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

I’m glad Trump isn’t Santa...

because he can’t even give coal to people.

Rick Astley will gladly let you borrow his Pixar collection.

Except Up. He's never gonna give you Up.

I'm glad my wife is a phlebotomist.

She's totally into little pricks.

I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook

If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything.

My friend told me he’s glad that he’s a bus driver so I said why and he said

“So I won’t have to die alone”.

Man I am glad I don't live in Caifornia.

Everything there causes cancer.

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Person: Super easy, it was right next to the potatoes!

Why is the priest glad Little Johnny has such short legs?

Because he always ends up asking to have his stool pushed in.

I was so glad I finally made it to shore...

I had been wading forever.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

I'm glad we finally have a strong leader

I mean Putin has how many years of experience? The states are in good Russian hands.

Am glad they are together....

A woman gets married to a guy and has 3 kids and her husband dies. She then marries a second guy and has 5 kids and the second husband also dies. She then marries a third guy and has 7 kids and her third husband also dies. After a few months, she dies and at her funeral the priest says... "Finally, ...

I'm actually glad there are people who would dance on my grave, because the joke is on them.

I'm getting buried at sea.

I'm glad I get called a creep who doesn't listen to women

It means they haven't found the bugs.

Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mou...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

I am glad Game of Thrones is coming to an end in 2019

I hate when TV shows dragon too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series.

108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.

A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

A Scotsman crashes his car into an English mans car,he apologises and says to the driver have a wee dram of whisky,it'll calm you down and pours him a large one.he drinks that and gladly accepts another one.he gulps that down and says to the Scotsman aren't you having one? The Scotsman replied ..

No,not until the police have arrived.

I am glad as a raging alcholic in the US.

I am glad, as a raging alcholic in the US, I am no longer scared to be judged when I accidentally stumble into the wrong bathroom

I'm so glad they released a patch for my car

The windshield was starting to get buggy.

Glad everyone is done talking about the fight.

Now how about that May weather?

A juggler, and the police....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler ge...

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad I never had an insecurity about the size of my penis.

That one would have been hard to shake.

I'm glad I got to see Leonard Cohen before he died...

It would have been really weird if I'd seen him after.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

Doctor: I'm glad to say the ear operation was a success

Patient: WHAT

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

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