I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

I am glad they have let women in the military.

It used to be a real pain in the ass.

Why is the priest glad Little Johnny has such short legs?

Because he always ends up asking to have his stool pushed in.

I'm glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.

Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!

I'm glad I'm good at making musical puns

Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad we have that sex offender registry.

Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.

I'm glad too!

A woman was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking man, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the man replied, "...

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

I'm glad I get called a creep who doesn't listen to women

It means they haven't found the bugs.

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me she was glad that she finally met a nice guy with a big dick and a fat wallet.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just recently passed away. The thing that I am going to miss the most is her voice. Phrases like "I love you", "I'm so glad that we met", and...

..."Slow the FUCK down in this rain before we hit a tree".

I’m so glad Doctor Who is back.

It’s about time.

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship

I really dodged a bullet

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"


"No, I really miss her"

I was so glad I finally made it to shore...

I had been wading forever.

What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?


I'm glad I learned sign language.

It's really handy!!

My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

I am glad Game of Thrones is coming to an end in 2019

I hate when TV shows dragon too long.

I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough to tell me.

But why every half hour?

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house

from her first husband.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died

He stepped on a landmine

Man I am glad I don't live in Caifornia.

Everything there causes cancer.

I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.

We don't have to pose for pictures.

In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m really glad,

That everyone reading this is on the same page.

I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

I'm glad the Astros won the World Series

The people of Houston have waded so long for this.

Found on a gardening store sign: We're so glad spring is here,

we wet our plants.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

I'm glad my wife is a phlebotomist.

She's totally into little pricks.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad I never had an insecurity about the size of my penis.

That one would have been hard to shake.

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.

I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary.

Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter.

I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook

If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything.

You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After all this shit we've had between us, I'm glad we're still so close.

Said my butt cheeks.

I'm glad we finally have a strong leader

I mean Putin has how many years of experience? The states are in good Russian hands.

I'm glad I got to see Leonard Cohen before he died...

It would have been really weird if I'd seen him after.

I am glad as a raging alcholic in the US.

I am glad, as a raging alcholic in the US, I am no longer scared to be judged when I accidentally stumble into the wrong bathroom

I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series.

108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.

Im glad i dropped out of med school...

I never had enough patients for it anyway.

Mike: I'm really glad I wasn't born in France.

Jim: Why?

Mike: I can't speak French.

I'm really glad they invented shampoo.

imagine having to wash your hair with real poo?

I am glad

... that everyone reading this is on the same page.

Glad marijuana is being legalized.

It sure helps coping with the election results.

I'm so glad they released a patch for my car

The windshield was starting to get buggy.

9/10 people on reddit are idiots...

I’m glad to be a part of the 1%.

Doctor: I'm glad to say the ear operation was a success

Patient: WHAT

I'm so glad I married a big strong program like WinRAR

He can open all of my .jars!

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

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