Phone Number Jokes - 51 Hilarious Phone Number Jokes

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

Should we exchange our phone numbers?

Are you kidding? That would confuse the people who try to call us.

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My address, my phone number..

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I asked a Chinese girl for her phone number.

I asked a Chinese girl for her phone number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers...

But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying

I got this German girls phone number

She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it:

999 999 99 99

(Possible OC)

What are the first three numbers of an opera singer's phone number?

aria code

Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her...

So this girl asked for my phone number this morning, but I really wasn't into her, so I made one up.

Jokes on me though, now I don't know if my car passed the MOT or not.

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I’m happy to say that I’ve achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

Does anyone have Debbie Harry's phone number?

I was told that I could call her any time, day or night.

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I asked a newly immigrated Asian lady for a phone number.

She replied "Sex free sex, free sex tonight"
Took me a minute to realize she meant "636-3629"

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone...

Now it’s Hans free...

I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror.

I know my wife would never think to look there.

I asked a cute statistician if I could get her phone number.

She said probably not.

My friend gave me the phone number for an Anger Management Counselor the other day

I admit, I lost it

I got this hot blondes phone number today!

Im starting to think i should cause car accidents more often.

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

An American businessman goes to India on a business trip...

but he doesn't like Indian food.

so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number...

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A stray dog walked up to me with a phone number around its collar.

I've never met a bitch so readily available.

I actually had some good luck asking girls for their address instead of their phone number.

Some of them said "Good luck on that."

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"

\- Jimmy Carr

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Wife goes to her doctor for advice:

“My husband just want to have sex all day and all night, is there something that I can give him”

“Yes, here is my phone number and address”

German women love me

I saw this hot German woman and asked her phone number. She immediately gave it to me. It was so easy to remember too. 999-9999

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Sex after marriage

A girl and a boy meet at the discotheque and after a couple of dances it is obvious that they are really attracted to each other.

The boy asks the girl home and she accepts.

Once at home, nature being nature and the attraction being strong, after some kissing and petting, the boy ma...

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If y...

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Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

I met a girl in the pub

We talked, we laughed, we drank.

We got each other's phone number. We left the pub, said bye to each other. It was late at night, so I told her to call me when she got home.

It's been a week now, I never got a call from her...

She must be a homeless

Clown Statue

A couple with children were trying out a new babysitter. About an hour after they left for a night on the town, they realized they had forgotten to give her their cell phone number, so one of them called her.

After she wrote down the number, the babysitter asked if she could watch satellite...

Yo mamma so fat

When she steps on a scale I see my phone number

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[NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)...

And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell ou...

Guy: "Truth or Dare?"

Gir: "Truth!"

Guy: "What's your phone number?"

Girl: "Eh.. let's do dare"

Guy: "I dare you to give me your phone number."

A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they have 12 inch size condoms.

"How many do you want", pharmacist replies.

"None, just take my phone number and give it to anyone who comes to buy it".

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

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Doctor, My husband just can’t have enough sex

A married woman goes to her doctors office and starts complaining: “it’s just too much doctor, my husband just wants to sex me up all the time, in the bed, in the kitchen, in the backyard, after dinner, before breakfast, standing up, sitting down and I can’t take it anymore is there something that I...

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Knock knock.... who’s there?

Me: Roger Davidson, residing at 3547 Creebridge crescent in Provo, Utah, phone number (656) 264-7685, SSN 62783755

Them: Roger Davidson, residing at 3547 Creebridge crescent in Provo, Utah, phone number (656) 264-7685, SSN 62783755, who?

Me: you’re fucking kidding me.

The sooner Pubs are open the better.

This drinking at home is getting out of hand.

Last night I nearly asked my wife for her phone number..

I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven"

And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".

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