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A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

...

Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it...

I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils.

I was trying to eat a stale baguette

Safe to say, it was a pain

r/Jokes is getting stale

At least we still have /r/politics

What's the difference between Taylor Swift and a stale Pepsi?

The stale Pepsi won't write a song about me after I dump it.

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

I need new jokes to write in people's birthday cards. The one I've been using for years is getting pretty stale:

"Happy Bird Day!" Then I draw a bird.

Thanks /r/jokes!

My attempt at a Rodney Dangerfield-style joke:

I tell ya, I get no respect. Last night, my wife said she wanted to try a new restaurant. I asked her what was wrong with what we had at home.

She said everything at home was old and stale, and the food wasn’t great either.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death...

Sudden realization moment

While speaking with my dad, he said to me "Gandhi fasted so long that his frame was rather frail, and when he ate the strangest fruit his breath was often stale, and he walked barefoot so hardened bottoms were his diagnosis."

Oh my God, I can't believe it...

He was a Super Callous Frag...

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

What do you call an old white man who thinks outside the box?

A stale cracker

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The affair

A 29 year old man was dating a woman called ‘Lorraine’ they had been together a few years but the relationship started to get stale.

One night the man went to a bar to get away from his wife and met a woman named “Clearly” they hit it off and went back to hers to have sex.

The man beco...

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

What are the best “I put the ___ in ___” jokes?

I’ve been using “I put the hot in psychotic” for ages and it’s becoming stale so I need another one lmao

A bread pun

Sorry, it's gone stale

What's the difference between 9gag and a Russian sauna?

One is full of male steam, the other is full of stale memes.

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Ho Ho Ho

In the spirit of the upcoming Holiday I would like to share a story my Father told me when I was a boy. He sat me on his knee and said:

Long ago on a snowy Christmas Eve Santa was out delivering toys to all the good kiddies. Like the many before this one it was all work, curdled milk and lame...

What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it’s tits a lot.


^^(is this old and stale or...)

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

[Long] A man goes to prison.

As he sits on his cot wondering how to pass the time, he hears an inmate down the hall shout "59" followed by groans from the other inmates.

He thought that was odd, but then someone else timidly calls out "43", followed by more groaning.

"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.
...

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Two men are sitting in a bar talking about their wives.

The first one says: "My wife hasn't had sex with me in months, and when we do it's the same old boring thing. She has no excitement or lust anymore:"

The second one responds: "My wife has a tradition of fucking me in a new place every once in a while to spice things up. For example, when we f...

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:



It's stale mate.

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Divorcee

Heard this from a friend a couple years back...

A man named Ted has recently been divorced. It was ugly; his wife got the dog, the nice house in the suburbs and the car, and Ted is forced to stay in a shitty motel in an even shittier part of town. Depressed and with nothing left to lose, Ted...

The old man, the prince, and the fish.

Once upon a time, there was a prince of a certain land, who wanted to be a lowly fisherman when he grew up. But try as he could, he couldn't ever catch a single fish. He had tried many methods, including nets, spears, and traps, but all to no avail.

Furthermore, he was looked down upon by the...

have you heard the joke about the fresh bread?

well it's pretty stale by now

A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.

After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.

Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jo...

Ghandi is my role model

Everyone knows about Gandhi. Pacifist, role model of MLK, and arguably the most important man in the movement of Indian independence. Of course, aside from his upstanding character, he did have a multitude of physical flaws. As an Indian peasant, he rarely wore shoes because he was too poor to affor...

Why couldn't the Australian general win the war on bread?

Because it was stale, mate.

An Australian ate a few old chess pieces. When asked how they were, he said

"It was stale, mate."

Mark and Lorraine had been married for many years ...

But their marriage had become stale. Mark had secretly starting seeing a female colleague, Claire Lee, from work behind his wife's back and they were hitting it off really good. He was considering getting a divorce but couldn't bring himself to do it.

Then, out of the blue, Lorraine was kil...

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A businessman goes to a brothel...

He asks the madam for an unconventional experience as he frequently uses prostitutes, and the whole process has become stale.

Twelve women come out, and the madam walks down the line explaining the fetishes they cater to. After each one, the businessman becomes increasingly annoyed, as there...

Russian Yeltsin Joke

Here's one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies.

A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says "You can't ...

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.

Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:

Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparin...

Indian Restaurant

I went to an Indian restaurant. The waiter brought out a basket of stale flatbread before realizing his mistake and bringing a fresh one. I would have complained, but it was a naan-issue.

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A man and wife are looking to spice up their relationship.

They have been married for years, and as many marriages do, things start to get dull. They decide they need to seek out new activities to keep their relationship going. They go to new restaurants, travel more, take dance lessons together, the works. But still, as they try all these new things, event...

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

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