Someone donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donate 5, and instantly the police has to get involved

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones.

They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe.

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.

He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you ...

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

The world is so unfair nowadays.

I saw on the news a story of a man who donated a kidney and he was a hero. But when I donated 4 I was arrested!

England doesn’t have a kidney bank....

But it has a Liverpool

I used to have two kidneys

Now I have two adult knees

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Why is it that when someone donates a kidney they're called kind-hearted?

But when I donate seven it is apparently "illegal" and "immoral".

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

What did Phil Jackson name his kidney stone?

Kobe because it never passed

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the
politicians in the world times two.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Man: I want a million dollars.

Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now
receive two million. What...

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

Doctor to Patient - Your kidney failed.

Patient - What was the pass marks?

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

I just bought an iPhone X

It still hurts where my kidney used to me.

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery

hashtag nofilter

What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

I lost my kidneys when I turned 18

My knees are 100% adult now!

My friend said she's had kidney problems since she was 7

I told her it's fine cause once she turns 18 she'll get adult knees

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

I tried to donate a kidney once...

...they wouldn't take it though because I wouldn't tell them where I got it.

Kowalski, dialysis.

Kidneys are failing, sir.

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

So i have accepted that I'm a 1. And this 10 just invited me back to her place.

I told her "thanks but i like having two kidneys"

I donated a kidney once

but they turned it down when I couldn't answer where I got it from.

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

A blonde woman goes to the doctor

She explains to the doctor that she's experiencing pain around her kidneys.

The doctor tells her not to worry, a simple urinalysis will help find out what's wrong.

The doctor steps out and in walks in a tall, gruffy, stoic nurse. He had an unkempt face and was in a bad mood. He hands h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Short summaries of our favourite movies:

A little green guy convinces a young man to kill his father ("Star Wars")

A group of people returns a lost jewel in 9 hours ("The Lord of the Rings")

The newly-started young artist's career goes to the bottom ("Titanic")

White skinhead forces black people to kill dwarfs ("The Ho...

A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for...

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident

and when hes rushed to hospital

the only available transplant are a child's

so he gets the surgery

and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain

the nurse runs up and says

'sir is it your legs'

and the man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss?

A kidney dialysis machine

Some puns

•    How does Moses make tea ?   Hebrews it. 


•    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

   
•    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. 

   
•    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now. 

   
•    I know a guy ...

What kinda beans cannibals eat?

Kidney beans

Did you hear about the man who got a brain transplant?

He thought he needed a kidney transplant but he changed his mind.

Paul is on his death bed in hospital.

He calls his best friend John to his side and tells him his last wishes.

"All my life, I have had this rare, expensive bottle of whiskey. It means everything to me. It has been passed down through my family for generations. " Paul whispers. "Please John, after I die, sprinkle the whole bottle...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One crazy irish hunting trip

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pic...

What did the child say when he bumped his knee?

Ow, my kidney.

A vulture and his son

A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things.

"Dad" he whined....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adam was lonely

He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your testicles".
Adam thought fo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A women gets shot 3 times while pregnant...

They immediately rush her to the hospital and find out she is pregnant for triplets, two girls and one boy. Miraculously she and her babies survive but the doctor says bullets are embedded in the triplets and they might not survive the surgery to remove it. Doctor assures the mother that the babies ...

Why can't you buy two iPhone X's?

You can't survive with no kidneys...

In Jamaica

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, t...

A Bulgarian goes to the doctor

A Bulgarian goes to the doctor for a checkup. He enters the room, hangs his coat and sits infront of the doctor.

-When was the last time you had an examination made by a doctor? -asked the doctor.

-I don't know. Maybe 20 years ago.

-Do you drink?

-Yes. I drink beer for ki...

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

It took guts to buy the new iPhone X

Specifically, both my kidneys, my pancreas, and my large intestine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Naval party!

In a party, the Captain ordered a young sailor to say a joke to all.

The Young sailor didn't like the way he ordered and his attitude.

But finally he agreed for a joke.

See what he said.... -->

*"Once their was a fight between Human Body Parts.*

Brain said- I am...

Macduff was on his deathbed.

He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."

Macleod nodded so...

A man is walking on the beach when he spots a golden bottle.

He walks over to the bottle and opens it to see if anything is inside. Out of nowhere a genie comes out. The genie says “I will grant you any three wishes but whatever you wish for, I will grant your worst enemy double. The man agrees to the genie’s terms and asks for his first wish. “I want a lot o...

A doctor at a mental hospital...

... was preparing to review some patients who were thought to be ready for release. After he got ready he called for the first patient to enter the room.

The man walked in, excited to possibly go home, and asked the doctor what he had to do.

"Touch your knees," the doctor replied.
<...

Human-beings get rich as they grow old:

Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!

The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn't listen.

Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.