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Kidney Jokes

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

I went to donate my kidney yesterday

I went to donate my kidney yesterday... they called me a good person


I went in with 2 more today and they called the police on me

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

Are you my uncles kidney?

Because you’re a failure.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

Donate a kidney and they call you a hero...

Donate a kidney and they call you a hero...

I tried to donate 6 kidneys and people started asking all kinds of questions and calling me Dexter. Like, who the heck is Dexter?

Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero.

I donate five, and get arrested?

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kidneys never treat blood seriously…

… they’re always taking the piss out of it!

My friend has problems with his kidneys.

I guess you could call him a stoner

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

A man who donated one kidney is a hero.

Yet I get investigated for donating 10???

Why are kidney donors’ houses so messy?

They are disorganized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have kidney stones removed so to prepare for surgery…

I wrote “I was in the pool!” on a sticky note an stuck it to my penis

What do you call a Southern doctor that specializes in bladders, kidneys, and prostates?

A y'allogist

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies “One water please”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

A man walks in a hospital to donate one of his kidneys and gets praised for it.

I walk into a hospital with 50 kidneys and I get arrested and called a psychopath.

How do you get a kidney stone?

By living a sedimentary life style.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

I tried to donate a kidney

But they kept asking where I got it

What's a kidneys favorite type of music?

Organ music!

What do your Souls and Kidneys have in Common?

If you are strapped for cash, You always have the option of selling them to the highest bidder.

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems.

The Stones.

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

If someone asks you to make them lunch and you put kidneys and liver in a pita...

Did you just make them an organ donair?

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

I was in the hospital for kidney issues and the urologist told me I needed a cystoscopy. I asked him what the hell that was.

"We are going to YouTube your Peetube."

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

My friend said she's had kidney problems since she was 7

I told her it's fine cause once she turns 18 she'll get adult knees

Some people had a pet rock when they were younger...

All I got was kidney stones!

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

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