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Kidney Jokes

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

I went to donate my kidney yesterday

I went to donate my kidney yesterday... they called me a good person


I went in with 2 more today and they called the police on me

What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone?

"Urine my way."

what the hell is wrong with society? someone donates a kidney and they're considered a hero

i donate 5 kidneys and they consider me as a mass murderer who deserves to rot in hell?

Are you my uncles kidney?

Because you’re a failure.

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

What did the doctor tell his patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

Why are kidney donors’ houses so messy?

They are disorganized.

What do you call a Southern doctor that specializes in bladders, kidneys, and prostates?

A y'allogist

The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems.

The Stones.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

Kidneys

Why is it that when I donate a kidney, people will be thankful, but if I donate 5, they call the police?

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

What do your Souls and Kidneys have in Common?

If you are strapped for cash, You always have the option of selling them to the highest bidder.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have kidney stones removed so to prepare for surgery…

I wrote “I was in the pool!” on a sticky note an stuck it to my penis

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

What's a kidneys favorite type of music?

Organ music!

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

My friend has problems with his kidneys.

I guess you could call him a stoner

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

How do you get a kidney stone?

By living a sedimentary life style.

If someone asks you to make them lunch and you put kidneys and liver in a pita...

Did you just make them an organ donair?

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

I was in the hospital for kidney issues and the urologist told me I needed a cystoscopy. I asked him what the hell that was.

"We are going to YouTube your Peetube."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up..



..two of them turn into adult knees.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies “One water please”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

Why is it that when someone donates a kidney they're called kind-hearted?

But when I donate seven it is apparently "illegal" and "immoral".

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. Where do you come from?"

The Englishman answers: "I'm from England". The chief decides: "Great! We make kid...

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

I have a friend in prison who is very kind.

Someone asked him to donate his eye, he gave it for free. Someone asked for his kidney, he also gave it for free. Another asked for his hands, he gave them both, free of charge.

My good friend was still willing to donate his legs as well but the Warden didn't approve it.

The Warden sa...

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

A bodybuilder asked his doctor: "what's better, whey protein, or pea protein?"

"Weigh protein, of course!" replied the doctor. "For one thing, weighing protein isn't a potential sign of kidney failure."

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

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