Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But they do have a Liverpool

A guy donated a kidney and they called him a "Hero"..

I donated 7 and they called me a monster

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

If you donate a kidney

everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.

But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called – sheesh.

Donating Kidneys

So a man donates a kidney a gets praised,

But I donate 5 kidneys and get arrested?

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

Humans are born with four kidneys.

##

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

Donate a kidney and you're a hero

Donate 5 and they keep asking whose are these? Where did you get them

A guy in an alley tried to sell me his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass for me.

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.

Now I have two adult knees.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones.

They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe.

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

Three wishes

Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears.
“I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. “There’s just one condition. I’m a lawyer’s genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double.”
After thinkin...

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery to honor her, I poured a fine 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys

Threw a rock at my kids knee

Call that a kidney stone

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

People like planting plants

But I like to plant kidneys

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

What's the difference between the heart and the kidneys?

Please just answer. The nurses are looking at me like I'm crazy and my phone's almost out of battery.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

I told my son I have his knees

I told him he will get his kidneys when he’s older.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.

Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.

Wh...

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

Why is it that when someone donates a kidney they're called kind-hearted?

But when I donate seven it is apparently "illegal" and "immoral".

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A slight variation of an old joke

One day a man who had just gone through a very bitter divorce was walking on the beach. He notices something glittering in the sand and digs it out and holds it up. It appeared to be a gold, antique teapot. He rubbed it with his sleeve to brush the sand off and suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie a...

It has been 30 years

Yet my kidneys haven't grown into adultneys

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart..

... and kidney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Is this illegal?

So i was donating one of my kidneys at my town local hospital and then for some reason they're paying me for it, so i thought it was a great source of income and the next morning i came with 5 other kidneys, instead of paying me, they're calling 911, why?

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

Doctor to Patient - Your kidney failed.

Patient - What was the pass marks?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.

He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you ...

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

CNN BREAKING NEWS:

Anonymous hero donates hospital 200 human kidneys.

What is something that the more you donate, the more uncomfortable people feel about it.

Kidneys

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

Thought I would never find true love until a Chinese woman stole my heart,

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

A man goes to doctor

Man: Why did you take my kidney out?
Doctor: You had kidney stones
Man: Then why didn't you take the stones out instead?
Doctor: I can't sell the stones

People are hypocrites

My friend got called a hero for donating a kidney, but when I turn up to donate 10 they call me a monster!

I tried to donate a kidney once...

...they wouldn't take it though because I wouldn't tell them where I got it.

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

Corniest Doctor joke I’ve ever heard but it still got a chuckle out of me.

I heard this a while back while on dialysis and the doctor was impressed that I knew what a nephrologist was so he told me this gem:

“What’s the difference between a kidney doctor and a nephrologist?”

“What?”

“A kidney doctor works on kidneys, a nephrologist works on kidneys but...

My Scottish girlfriend was feeling homesick so I decided to try and make a homemade haggis to cheer her up.

I thought I had a fairly strong constitution but as soon as I starting mixing the heart, lungs and kidneys I realised I didn't have the stomach for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorite Bill Maher jokes ...

It's really no surprise that Selena Gomez got back together with Justin Bieber. If her body didn't reject a new kidney, why would it reject an old asshole?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.