People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

I once donated a kidney and everyone said I was so selfless and that I was a hero.

Later that month I donated three more and all of a sudden I'm some kind of psychopathic monster and now the police are involved.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

Babies are born with 4 kidneys.

When they grow up, 2 of them turn into adult knees.

Are you my uncles kidney?

Because you’re a failure.

I was in the hospital for kidney issues and the urologist told me I needed a cystoscopy. I asked him what the hell that was.

"We are going to YouTube your Peetube."

England doesn’t have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

How do you get a kidney stone?

By living a sedimentary life style.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

What do your Souls and Kidneys have in Common?

If you are strapped for cash, You always have the option of selling them to the highest bidder.

My friend has problems with his kidneys.

I guess you could call him a stoner

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up..



..two of them turn into adult knees.

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

When you turn 18 your body stops using your kidneys.

And they start using their adult knees.

What's a kidneys favorite type of music?

Organ music!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Kidney stones?"

Hard pass.

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

If someone asks you to make them lunch and you put kidneys and liver in a pita...

Did you just make them an organ donair?

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

Doctor has a question.

He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."

I woke up this morning and one of my kidneys was gone...

It's been kidnapped!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

It's true. A lot of people are only after me for my body

Kidneys, liver, heart and lungs.

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

In case you ever have a urine test.

The answer is urine comes from kidneys.

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

Why is it that when someone donates a kidney they're called kind-hearted?

But when I donate seven it is apparently "illegal" and "immoral".

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

A hospitalized man falls in love with his nurse...

A man was hospitalized for 3 weeks. During this time he fell in love with the young pretty nurse. He wrote her a note, "You have stolen my heart".

The young nurse in panic responded, "No sir, we have stolen your kidney, haven't touched your heart."

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Body parts were arguing, about who should rule the organism.

I should rule! Said the brain. I tell you all how to work!

No! I should! Said heart. I pump blood, so you all can live and have nutrients!

Bullshit! Said kidneys. We filter toxic things out of the blood! Without us you all would get poisoned!

What? Said stomach. I digest the foo...

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Found a cure for kidney stone.

Eat paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

Jock McTavish is on his deathbed...

His lifelong pal McGregor is sitting vigil by his side.

With his dying breath McTavish leans over and rasps. "There's a bottle of fine whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave. Promise me you'll do it man."

After a moments consideration McGregor replies. "Aye Jock, I'...

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

A man goes to his doctor...

A man goes to his doctor because he's feeling sick and tired and generally rundown. Doctor orders some tests and tells him to come back first thing in the morning.

The next morning, the doctor looks grave.

"Sir, I regret to have to tell you you have psoriasis, multiple sclerosis, toe...

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

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