People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

What do your Souls and Kidneys have in Common?

If you are strapped for cash, You always have the option of selling them to the highest bidder.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

I woke up this morning and one of my kidneys was gone...

It's been kidnapped!

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

England doesn’t have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

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"Kidney stones?"

Hard pass.

A guy donated a kidney and they called him a "Hero"..

I donated 7 and they called me a monster

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

My friend has problems with his kidneys.

I guess you could call him a stoner

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

I tried to donate a kidney

But they kept asking where I got it

When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

Parents are like kidneys

It's ok with one but having two is the best.

Donate a kidney and you're a "Hero"

Donate six and you're "Under Arrest"

Donating Kidneys

So a man donates a kidney a gets praised,

But I donate 5 kidneys and get arrested?

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

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Nine medical tests you can do by yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.
If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.
If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are d...

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

Which of your organs never age?

Your kidneys

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

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I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones...

Thanos used them in his Infinity Gauntlet.

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

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This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

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All the organs of a human body are having a meeting

The brain begins his announcement: “As you know, our body has been experiencing nutrient shortages over the past few years. We can’t keep it up like that. I am afraid we will have to terminate one of...”

The dick stands up and interrupts him: “Hey, I know! I know what to do! Let’s get rid of ...

A man is walking along a beach when he finds something in the sand.

He kicks it over and sees that it’s a magic lamp. A genie comes out and tell him, “Since you found me, I will grant you 3 wishes, but since you kicked me the person you hate most will receive double that wish” The person who the man hated most was his boss, so the man asked for his first wish, “I’d ...

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

Why is it that when someone donates a kidney they're called kind-hearted?

But when I donate seven it is apparently "illegal" and "immoral".

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

McGregor is on his death bed.

His best friend Jock McTavish is sitting vigil by his side when McGregor leans over and with his last words says. "Aye Jock, there's a bottle of Whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave, promise me you'll do it man."

After some consideration McTavish replies. "Aye I'll do it...

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I think I need a second opinion.

My doctor said I have kidney disease.

I told him I'm a grown ass man and my knees feel fine.

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

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I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

Three wishes

Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears.
“I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. “There’s just one condition. I’m a lawyer’s genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double.”
After thinkin...

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

A man was in a line of patients trying to get his release from a mental institution.

He watched as the others went in to meet with the doctor and heard the questions the doctor asked, which were:


"point to your right arm", "point to your stomach", point to your toes", point to your knee," and so on. He saw which answers were correct, and which answers were wrong.

...

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

Found a cure for kidney stone.

Eat paper.

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How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Unhealthy food

So the guy goes to the doctor, says he doesn't feel all to good. The doc poked him a bit, measured his pulse and stuff, and finally gave him a questionnaire about his diet.

So he reads about his last week's menu.
- Red meat? You can't have that much red meat! You know how much saturated f...

My brother once promised to donate me his liver.

Turned out he was only kidneying me.

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What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

An old family joke.

A couple have a baby boy. He learned to speak at an early age, and was quickly learning the names of body parts.

The child's grandfather is playing with him, asking him to identify parts of the body.

"Where is your mouth?" The child would touch his lips. "Where is your foot?". The c...

My friend said she's had kidney problems since she was 7

I told her it's fine cause once she turns 18 she'll get adult knees

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

Ya'll seem to like puns, so:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Tita...

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

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