One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.

He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you ...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When someone donates a kidney there considered a hero

But when I donate 4 I get arrested, like what fuck

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

I used to have two kidneys...

Now I have two adult knees

What's the difference between the heart and the kidneys?

Please just answer. The nurses are looking at me like I'm crazy and my phone's almost out of battery.

Donate a kidney, and you’re a hero

Donate seven however, and you’re going to jail

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones...

Thanos used them in his Infinity Gauntlet.

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75

....... a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

The world is so unfair nowadays.

I saw on the news a story of a man who donated a kidney and he was a hero. But when I donated 4 I was arrested!

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the
politicians in the world times two.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Man: I want a million dollars.

Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now
receive two million. What...

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

Why is it that when someone donates a kidney they're called kind-hearted?

But when I donate seven it is apparently "illegal" and "immoral".

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

What did Phil Jackson name his kidney stone?

Kobe because it never passed

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Doctor to Patient - Your kidney failed.

Patient - What was the pass marks?

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

I just bought an iPhone X

It still hurts where my kidney used to me.

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery

hashtag nofilter

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

I tried to donate a kidney once...

...they wouldn't take it though because I wouldn't tell them where I got it.

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

In Jamaica...

...you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and ...

What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Short summaries of our favourite movies:

A little green guy convinces a young man to kill his father ("Star Wars")

A group of people returns a lost jewel in 9 hours ("The Lord of the Rings")

The newly-started young artist's career goes to the bottom ("Titanic")

White skinhead forces black people to kill dwarfs ("The Ho...

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for...

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

I donated a kidney once

but they turned it down when I couldn't answer where I got it from.

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident

and when hes rushed to hospital

the only available transplant are a child's

so he gets the surgery

and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain

the nurse runs up and says

'sir is it your legs'

and the man...

Kowalski, dialysis.

Kidneys are failing, sir.

A blonde woman goes to the doctor

She explains to the doctor that she's experiencing pain around her kidneys.

The doctor tells her not to worry, a simple urinalysis will help find out what's wrong.

The doctor steps out and in walks in a tall, gruffy, stoic nurse. He had an unkempt face and was in a bad mood. He hands h...

A wise old man once told me that great fortune comes from within.

So I sold my kidneys.

What kinda beans cannibals eat?

Kidney beans

A vulture and his son

A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things.

"Dad" he whined....

Did you hear about the man who got a brain transplant?

He thought he needed a kidney transplant but he changed his mind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A women gets shot 3 times while pregnant...

They immediately rush her to the hospital and find out she is pregnant for triplets, two girls and one boy. Miraculously she and her babies survive but the doctor says bullets are embedded in the triplets and they might not survive the surgery to remove it. Doctor assures the mother that the babies ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One crazy irish hunting trip

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pic...

What did the child say when he bumped his knee?

Ow, my kidney.

Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...

and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John wanted a Porsche.

John wanted to own a Porsche since his early childhood. When he grew up he wasn't financially blessed to own a Porsche. But he didn't care, he thought to himself that he would do anything possible to own that damn car, ANYTHING!
He started selling his things, each and everything in his possessi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adam was lonely

He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your testicles".
Adam thought fo...

Why can't you buy two iPhone X's?

You can't survive with no kidneys...

A man is walking on the beach when he spots a golden bottle.

He walks over to the bottle and opens it to see if anything is inside. Out of nowhere a genie comes out. The genie says “I will grant you any three wishes but whatever you wish for, I will grant your worst enemy double. The man agrees to the genie’s terms and asks for his first wish. “I want a lot o...

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.