People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

England doesn’t have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

What do your Souls and Kidneys have in Common?

If you are strapped for cash, You always have the option of selling them to the highest bidder.

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called - sheesh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

What's a kidneys favorite type of music?

Organ music!

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

I was in the hospital for kidney issues and the urologist told me I needed a cystoscopy. I asked him what the hell that was.

"We are going to YouTube your Peetube."

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

When you turn 18 your body stops using your kidneys.

And they start using their adult knees.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

How do you get a kidney stone?

By living a sedimentary life style.

If someone asks you to make them lunch and you put kidneys and liver in a pita...

Did you just make them an organ donair?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

My friend has problems with his kidneys.

I guess you could call him a stoner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Kidney stones?"

Hard pass.

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

I woke up this morning and one of my kidneys was gone...

It's been kidnapped!

I tried to donate a kidney

But they kept asking where I got it

In case you ever have a urine test.

The answer is urine comes from kidneys.

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

A guy donated a kidney and they called him a "Hero"..

I donated 7 and they called me a monster

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

A hospitalized man falls in love with his nurse...

A man was hospitalized for 3 weeks. During this time he fell in love with the young pretty nurse. He wrote her a note, "You have stolen my heart".

The young nurse in panic responded, "No sir, we have stolen your kidney, haven't touched your heart."

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

Jock McTavish is on his deathbed...

His lifelong pal McGregor is sitting vigil by his side.

With his dying breath McTavish leans over and rasps. "There's a bottle of fine whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave. Promise me you'll do it man."

After a moments consideration McGregor replies. "Aye Jock, I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

I would never be stupid enough to sell my kidney for a brand new iphone

I only had one left now.

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

Two friends are driving through a town...

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;

Rum + water = liver problems;

Whiskey + water = heart issues;

Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

A man is walking along a beach when he finds something in the sand.

He kicks it over and sees that it’s a magic lamp. A genie comes out and tell him, “Since you found me, I will grant you 3 wishes, but since you kicked me the person you hate most will receive double that wish” The person who the man hated most was his boss, so the man asked for his first wish, “I’d ...

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

Which of your organs never age?

Your kidneys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of a human body are having a meeting

The brain begins his announcement: “As you know, our body has been experiencing nutrient shortages over the past few years. We can’t keep it up like that. I am afraid we will have to terminate one of...”

The dick stands up and interrupts him: “Hey, I know! I know what to do! Let’s get rid of ...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

A man was in a line of patients trying to get his release from a mental institution.

He watched as the others went in to meet with the doctor and heard the questions the doctor asked, which were:


"point to your right arm", "point to your stomach", point to your toes", point to your knee," and so on. He saw which answers were correct, and which answers were wrong.

...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.