England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

Someone donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donate 5, and instantly the police has to get involved

Humans are born with four kidneys.

##

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

Donate a kidney and you're a "Hero"

Donate six and you're "Under Arrest"

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

Donate one kidney then your hailed a hero

Donate five then you're going to prison


Sorry

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

What's the difference between the heart and the kidneys?

Please just answer. The nurses are looking at me like I'm crazy and my phone's almost out of battery.

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones...

Thanos used them in his Infinity Gauntlet.

What did Phil Jackson name his kidney stone?

Kobe because it never passed

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

A man goes to doctor

Man: Why did you take my kidney out?
Doctor: You had kidney stones
Man: Then why didn't you take the stones out instead?
Doctor: I can't sell the stones

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man is looking to start a new hobby.

He heard that Warhammer 40k is a fun pastime so he decided to pay a visit to the local GW store.

"So what exactly do I need to start this hobby?" He asked.

"Well," the manager replied calmly."You will need to sell your kidneys, half of your liver and one of your lungs. I know a doctor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorite Bill Maher jokes ...

It's really no surprise that Selena Gomez got back together with Justin Bieber. If her body didn't reject a new kidney, why would it reject an old asshole?

My Scottish girlfriend was feeling homesick so I decided to try and make a homemade haggis to cheer her up.

I thought I had a fairly strong constitution but as soon as I starting mixing the heart, lungs and kidneys I realised I didn't have the stomach for it.

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Corniest Doctor joke I’ve ever heard but it still got a chuckle out of me.

I heard this a while back while on dialysis and the doctor was impressed that I knew what a nephrologist was so he told me this gem:

“What’s the difference between a kidney doctor and a nephrologist?”

“What?”

“A kidney doctor works on kidneys, a nephrologist works on kidneys but...

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

Donate a kidney, and you're a hero.

Donate 5 kidneys, and you get arrested???

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery

hashtag nofilter

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

A man walks along a beach and stubs his toe on a lamp. In frustration, he kicks it.

Suddenly, a Genie comes out! He tells the man “I must grant you three wishes since you have awoken me. However since you kicked me, I will give the person you hate the most, your boss, twice whatever you wish.”
The man instantly says “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers. “d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.

He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you ...

Doctor to Patient - Your kidney failed.

Patient - What was the pass marks?

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

People are hypocrites

My friend got called a hero for donating a kidney, but when I turn up to donate 10 they call me a monster!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a restaurant to drink wine.

When the waiter comes he orders a 1980 wine. The waiter goes to the kitchen, there are almost every type of wine there but can't find a 1980 wine. So he brings a glass of 1970 wine to the customer.
The customer takes a sip from the glass and he says
"This a 1970 wine, go bring me a 1980 wine...

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then ...

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

It's been 30 years..

..and my kidneys still haven't grown into adultneys :(

A wise old man once told me that great fortune comes from within.

So I sold my kidneys.

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble but it'll pass.

A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

The world is so unfair nowadays.

I saw on the news a story of a man who donated a kidney and he was a hero. But when I donated 4 I was arrested!

A blonde woman goes to the doctor

She explains to the doctor that she's experiencing pain around her kidneys.

The doctor tells her not to worry, a simple urinalysis will help find out what's wrong.

The doctor steps out and in walks in a tall, gruffy, stoic nurse. He had an unkempt face and was in a bad mood. He hands h...

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women gets shot 3 times while pregnant...

They immediately rush her to the hospital and find out she is pregnant for triplets, two girls and one boy. Miraculously she and her babies survive but the doctor says bullets are embedded in the triplets and they might not survive the surgery to remove it. Doctor assures the mother that the babies ...

I donated a kidney once

but they turned it down when I couldn't answer where I got it from.

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

Kowalski, dialysis.

Kidneys are failing, sir.

So i have accepted that I'm a 1. And this 10 just invited me back to her place.

I told her "thanks but i like having two kidneys"

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the
politicians in the world times two.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Man: I want a million dollars.

Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now
receive two million. What...

In Jamaica

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, t...

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

I tried to donate a kidney once...

...they wouldn't take it though because I wouldn't tell them where I got it.

Paul is on his death bed in hospital.

He calls his best friend John to his side and tells him his last wishes.

"All my life, I have had this rare, expensive bottle of whiskey. It means everything to me. It has been passed down through my family for generations. " Paul whispers. "Please John, after I die, sprinkle the whole bottle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John wanted a Porsche.

John wanted to own a Porsche since his early childhood. When he grew up he wasn't financially blessed to own a Porsche. But he didn't care, he thought to himself that he would do anything possible to own that damn car, ANYTHING!
He started selling his things, each and everything in his possessi...

What kinda beans cannibals eat?

Kidney beans

Did you hear about the man who got a brain transplant?

He thought he needed a kidney transplant but he changed his mind.

Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...

and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest g...

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