UPJOKE
bloodliverdialysisspleenorganblood pressurenephronbladderbeanurineabdomenbone marrowpancreastissuevertebrate

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

Are you my uncles kidney?

Because you’re a failure.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

I once donated a kidney and everyone said I was so selfless and that I was a hero.

Later that month I donated three more and all of a sudden I'm some kind of psychopathic monster and now the police are involved.

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have kidney stones removed so to prepare for surgery…

I wrote “I was in the pool!” on a sticky note an stuck it to my penis

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

Kids are born with 4 kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone?

"Urine my way."

I went to donate my kidney yesterday

I went to donate my kidney yesterday... they called me a good person


I went in with 2 more today and they called the police on me

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies “One water please”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems.

The Stones.

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

What do your Souls and Kidneys have in Common?

If you are strapped for cash, You always have the option of selling them to the highest bidder.

My friend has problems with his kidneys.

I guess you could call him a stoner

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up..



..two of them turn into adult knees.

When you turn 18 your body stops using your kidneys.

And they start using their adult knees.

How do you get a kidney stone?

By living a sedimentary life style.

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. Where do you come from?"

The Englishman answers: "I'm from England". The chief decides: "Great! We make kid...

A bodybuilder asked his doctor: "what's better, whey protein, or pea protein?"

"Weigh protein, of course!" replied the doctor. "For one thing, weighing protein isn't a potential sign of kidney failure."

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

What's a kidneys favorite type of music?

Organ music!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

I was in the hospital for kidney issues and the urologist told me I needed a cystoscopy. I asked him what the hell that was.

"We are going to YouTube your Peetube."

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?

Politicians won't pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

If someone asks you to make them lunch and you put kidneys and liver in a pita...

Did you just make them an organ donair?

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old winos were talking about the days when they pass...

1st wino says, "If I go first...will you pour some wine over my grave every day?"

2nd wino says, "Sure, you bet! But do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first??"

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss?

Kidney dialysis machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

Why did Bach have to sell his kidney?

Cause he was baroque

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention?

He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

Doctor has a question.

He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

My friend said she's had kidney problems since she was 7

I told her it's fine cause once she turns 18 she'll get adult knees

It's true. A lot of people are only after me for my body

Kidneys, liver, heart and lungs.

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.