"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

My cellphone got wet, so I put it in rice, but I don't think it's working.

The soy sauce just made things worse.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

***Gum!***

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Told my ex I had a wet dream about her last night

She fell off a cliff and I pissed myself laughing

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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

Why is England such a wet country?

Because so many Kings and Queens have been reigning there.

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A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

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Told this girl I wanted to see some wet pussy.

She said look in the mirror and cry

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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Guy says there is two things he hates, wet socks and dry pussy

Other guy says just put the socks in there

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it wet, you suck it.

To make it stiff, you lick it.

To get it in, you push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doc...

2 friends meet each other. Matt is afraid, while Lycas is wet.

Lucas says: "Why are you scared?". Then Matt replies: "Yesterday, I was driving my car and accidentally I hit deer. I tought it was dead, so I thrown it in a nearby lake. By the way, why are you wet?". Lucas replies: "I was going to a costume party, dressed like a deer. Then someone hit me, and then...

Is lava wet?

Maybe so but I’m not taking it for granite.

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

What’s the difference between my wife and an umbrella?

Only one of them gets wet

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

Why do hurricanes often have women's names?

They're wet and wild at first then after a while they end in tragedy often leaving men homeless!

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When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

At The Door

One day, a woman's doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. The woman opened the door, and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet. The woman felt sorry for her, so she asked the young woman into the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off.

The woman wanted to make conver...

Greatest truck driver in the world - mild nsfw

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.

One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see ...

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?

When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

What does a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

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"I sexually identify as The RMS Titanic"

"I must lay my Seamen to rest in a dark wet place."

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

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Why do elephants make love in water?

Well, how else do you keep a two tonne fanny wet for two hours?

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I love the look on the poor sods faces when I drive by them and they're pissed wet through and freezing cold at the bus stop

Partly why I took the job as a bus driver tbh

I almost had a wet dream last night. Very embarrassing...

Time to take matters into my own hands.

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

Hygiene

Women issues

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already aroun...

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Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

A police officer called the station on his radio.

“I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No, the floor’s still wet.”

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A fly is flying over a river

(Sorry for bad eanglish)

In the rive is a fish and the flhe tought to himself "if the fly would just come little bit lower i could jump and eat it"

On one of the sides is a bear and thinks to him self "if the fly would go lower the fish would jump and I could snach him"

On the ...

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?"

Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Three guys were camping together

And they all had to share a tent, sleeping side by side.

They go to bed, and when they wake up, one of the guys said, “I had the weirdest thing happen last night. I had my first wet dream since I was a teenager.”

Shocked, another one of the campers spoke up. “You know what? I also had...

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Onenight a married couple are laying in bed.

The wife is under the blanket ready to sleep. Her husband reaches over to take a book from on top of the nightstand. As he reads he keeps moving his hand between his wifes legs, touching her private parts. She wonders if he wants to have sex, so she gets up and starts to take her clothing off. Her h...

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

A wet joke

Why does water keep changing its state?



It's bipolar

Women Are Magic

The can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!

I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked.

"Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."

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Splash Zone

I have the same rule for a pissing contest contest as I do for Sea World. I'm down to watch but I don't want to be anywhere close enough that I might get wet

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

What does a bad gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common?

A wet nose.

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Use The Camel

Having joined the French Foreign Legion, Pierre focused on becoming the best soldier he could. Day in, day out he trained; long marches with full pack, hand to hand combat, shooting range etc... but even all this activity couldn't take away the yearning he had, after all he was a young viral man. T...

What do you call a lotion that makes your eyes wet

Moist-your-eyes

Whats hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "c", ends with a "t" and has the letters "u" and "n" in the middle?

A coconut

I saw a sign at the mall that said "wet floor"

So I did

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Why is the ocean wet?

Because it doesn’t have a towel.

(Courtesy of my son)

Wet joke

It was chemistry class and the teacher asks-

"Can anyone tell me the chemical formula of water?"

Little Timmy raises hand.

"Yes, Timmy?"





"Hijklmno"

People don't think the grass be wet in the morning,

but it dew.

Studying the nature of Mars

A NASA scientist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's work going?" the bartender asks. "It's frustrating. We've been studying the planet Mars and trying to figure out how it went from having a warm and wet habitat to a cold and dry one," the scientist says. "So far, we don't have an answ...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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What should be the last lyric of Cardi B’s song “Wet Ass Pussy”?

The Aristocrats

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

I figured out my best joke during a wet dream

It just came to me.

It started to rain suddenly so I lent this attractive young woman my umbrella.

That takes the total number of hot girls I have made wet this year to minus one.

Why was the basketball court all wet?

Because the players kept dribbling all over it.

I often have wet dreams...

of becoming a scuba diver.

My girlfriend moaned and said “please give it to me! i’m so wet!”.

She could complain all she wanted, I wasn’t giving her the umbrella.

Mexican Custodian

A Mexican custodian finishes mopping the lobby floor. A young girl enters the lobby with her eyes glued to her smartphone.

"Miss," the Mexican custodian says, "the floor is wet."

The girl looks up from her phone with a bored expression. "K," she replies.

"Miss," the Mexican cu...

What do you call an empty ring of wet wood chips?

Mulch a-dew about nothing

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

Getting wet in the rain makes me sad...

I had to run fast. I’d either escape the storm in time or cry drying.

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My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

What's slippery when wet?

A wet slipper.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet?

Because the sea wee'd.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

When I came home from work I saw my girlfriend on my bed asking me to make her wet.

I don't know how she got so mad when I poured water all over her.

You know what gets the girls wet?

Water

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What’s wet, warm, tight and cosy?

My wetsuit when I piss in it

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Mars: I’m wet.

NASA: I’m coming over.

Why did the grain of rice wet himself?



A jokester made him 'pilaf'

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

What did the mom say to the child who wet his bed?

Urine trouble.

why is england so wet?

because the monarchy have been raining there for years

Why was the beach wet?

Because the seaweed

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

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Johnny was on a date...

They were getting hot and heavy in the backseat and he reached down into her panties.

Her warm wet pussy opened slightly and he inserted a finger.

After a minute or so of finger banging she whispered in his ear begging him. "Oooh put another finger in."

Surprised he replied "Je...

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

What color was the wet fart?

Shart-treuse

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An American, a Russian and a Finn drink in a bar.

The American says:

\- Well... American Air Forces are so huge that we can cover all the sky over Finland by our planes. And there will no sunlight, only shade.

They drink. The Russian says:

\- Well, Russian Navy is so huge that we can cover entire the Gulf of Finland by ships...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

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It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

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A Girl was towelling her wet Pussy..

She enjoyed it very much, and started rubbing it vigourosly..

until the pussy cried 'meoww'
and Ran Away....

ALWAYS REMEMBER -

1. Be kind to animals
2. Keep your thoughts clean
3. Good that she was not towelling her wet ass

Asses can be dangerous animals &...

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My panties are SO wet right now

Well, they would be, but I’m not wearing any.

Because I’m a man.

Look, what I’m trying to say is I pissed my pants.

How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman?

When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!


p.s

Don’t know where the how came from... sorry for it!
Also, it’s my cake day!!!!

The weather in your country may be wet,

but German weather will always be 'wetter'.

What makes every girl wet?

Water.

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