My girlfriend moaned and said “please give it to me! i’m so wet!”.

She could complain all she wanted, I wasn’t giving her the umbrella.

Cleopatra fell out of her boat but wouldn’t admit she was wet.

She was in denial.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft sticky and wet?

GUM!!!

What’s the opposite of a wet nurse?

A dry Doc.

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What have women and wet paint got in common?

Irresistible to touch, hard to get off of your fucking hands.

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

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A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting? Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon Appeared to me in my sleep and says, "o good man let us urinate". Then, I woke up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIAT...

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

She kept screaming: "Give it to me, Give it to me, I'm so WET!"

So i responded: "You can scream all you want, but I won't give you my umbrella"

WHAT DID SANTA SAY WHEN HE SAW HIS WET ROOF

It looks like rain dear

You know what gets the girls wet?

Water

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A Girl was towelling her wet Pussy..

She enjoyed it very much, and started rubbing it vigourosly..

until the pussy cried 'meoww'
and Ran Away....

ALWAYS REMEMBER -

1. Be kind to animals
2. Keep your thoughts clean
3. Good that she was not towelling her wet ass

Asses can be dangerous animals &...

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My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

An old married couple are in church one day… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really wet, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

It was hard and wet for her

(Based on a true story)

An economics professor was hard of hearing, so she couldn’t hear her students. She spoke so softly that her students couldn’t hear her either, so they fell asleep during class—except for one class when she said the words “It was hard and wet for her!” loudly and c...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the...

How do you train your kids to stop wetting the bed?

Have them use an electric blanket.

Mars: I’m wet.

NASA: I’m coming over.

What do you do with your sheets after a wet dream?

Another load.

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

What makes every girl wet?

Water.

What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

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A man steps into a confessional...

Forgive me father, for I have sinned!

Speak my child, tell me your sins.

Well you see, a lady asked me to help her out with moving her furniture, and then it started to rain, so she told me to stay, apparently she didn't want me to get wet. And so I stayed, and fucked her.

Go on...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Why did the wet shirt feel betrayed?

Because it was hung out to dry.

You know what’s worse than shaking someone’s wet hands after they’ve used the restroom?

Shaking someone’s dry hands after they’ve used the restroom

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitt...

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Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

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Thought you'd like to know.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog o...

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

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The Scottish Castaway

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island
for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a...

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

“Son, you’re going to have to stop money laundering.”

What’s a fireman’s worst enemy?

Crazy wet hoes.

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

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[NSFW] I got my dick wet for the first time today

Just discovered these shower things...pretty cool

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A man walking through the forest decides to cross a stream

He takes off his pants so they don't get wet and starts to walk

He almost gets to the other side when a hand grabs him by the balls underwater and a voice says

"plus 2 or minus 2?"

The man thinks for a moment and says "plus 2"

When he gets ashore and looks down he sees th...

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A cat falls into a pool and a rooster laughs. What’s the moral of the story?

A wet pussy makes a cock feel good.

I still remember what my mother said to me when I wet the bed as a child.

Urine trouble.

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In a little old town near a little old river, a fly is hovering just above the water.

There is a fish under the surface of the water looking at a fly, thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches, I could catch the fly and that would me my meal for the day.'

But there was a bird in a nearby tree looking at the fish, looking at the fly and thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches...

Why do they name hurricanes after women?

Because when they arrive they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and car with them.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.



Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wan...

What gets wet as it dries?

A woman with a blow-dryer fetish

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What do you call a wet fart in space?

An ass-teroid shower.

Why was the gardener so embarrassed?

Because he wet his plants

My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.

I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."

At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book i...

Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

What’s wet and likes to shake?

An earthquake on a rainy day.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.

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What's the difference between a cow and a woman?

The cow can stand up to its tits in water and not get its cunt wet.

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When you see a friend coming out of the bathroom in bar with a bit wet t-shirt, its like drinking americans beer.

You never can be sure if its piss or water.

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Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

Why was the sand wet?

The sea weed.

Newlyweds

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. K...

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Why do hippos have sex in the water?

Try to wet a 200 kg pussy

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

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Why do we call it a wet dream,

Instead of a snorgasm?

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What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlette.

A blonde woman is in the shower and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

She replies, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It says it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."

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Father of one of my children

A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled and said "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be talking to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.

So he says, "I'm sor...

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A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

I had barely taken off my finger out of her wet hole, that......

..... within seconds she started going down on me. I thought to myself, "Man! I am really gonna miss this boat"

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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with \*\*THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!\*\*

I entered a wet T-shirt contest, and everyone couldn't help but stare at me

I just swallowed my fourth wet t-shirt, so I must be winning!

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.

Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor."

Officer: "That is correct."

Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?"

Officer: "The floor was still wet."

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

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What's the best way for an incel to get his dick wet?

Taking a bath.

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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The vintage motorcycle.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says"

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure ...

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My girlfriend said that since being quarantined I’ve become “addicted” to porn...

which is a filthy, dirty, wet, gaping lie.

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

I told my son that wetting your pants is nothing to be ashamed of.

It didn’t work; he’s still teasing me for it.

What do a Hurricane and a wife have in common?

One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone.

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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.
What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The b...

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Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately...

Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately, so God came up with a solution to this. Everyone who died and goes to heaven must first get an interview with an angel, who would decide if their death was noble or not. If it was, they would be let inside, otherwise they would be sent to purgatory.
...

The world's leading expert on wet clothing walks into a record shop.

The expert asks the assistant "Do you have the latest edition of 'Wet Garments' Acoustics'? I'm sure your store just released it yesterday."

"Of course," the assistant replies. "Would you like to listen to it before you buy it?"

"Why, thank you," says the expert, and puts on a pair of...

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

Which letters of the alphabet are wet?

H to O

A newly wed couple is riding through the field on a donkey-cart.

After a while the donkey trips up. The man calmly gets down and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.

"This, is the first time," he says.

Terrified the donkey keeps trotting on and tries his best to not trip again, but eventually they get to wet grass and he can't help slipping. The m...

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A man and woman are driving down the road...

A man and woman are driving down the road after dinner. The weather is awful, pouring rain and freezing cold.

As they go around a corner, the woman spots a dog on the side of the road that looks like it’s been hit by a car. She pleads with her husband to stop so they can check on the poor do...

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