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My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum

My wife called me in the middle of the day and said she was in bed and feeling wet

Like any good husband I immediately called the roofers to fix the leak

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

Mars: I’m wet.

NASA: I’m coming over.

What makes every girl wet?

Water.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

What’s wet and likes to shake?

An earthquake on a rainy day.

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[NSFW] I got my dick wet for the first time today

Just discovered these shower things...pretty cool

What did my dad say when I wet the bed?

Urine trouble.

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What do you call a wet fart in space?

An ass-teroid shower.

What gets wet as it dries?

A woman with a blow-dryer fetish

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

I still remember what my mother said to me when I wet the bed as a child.

Urine trouble.

Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

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What do a wet finger in my ear and your mom have in common?

They both gave me a wet willy.

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

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When you see a friend coming out of the bathroom in bar with a bit wet t-shirt, its like drinking americans beer.

You never can be sure if its piss or water.

Why was the sand wet?

The sea weed.

How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

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What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

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Why do we call it a wet dream,

Instead of a snorgasm?

I entered a wet T-shirt contest, and everyone couldn't help but stare at me

I just swallowed my fourth wet t-shirt, so I must be winning!

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A tea bag!

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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A couple driving home run over a badger.....

they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".

Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".

Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

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A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and slide his fingers down there. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minute...

What do a dog and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common?

A wet nose

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

Where do Nintendo Characters shop?

Ike-ea, Waa-Greens, Hot Togepi, Break the Target, Lush Ultimate, Wet-Spheal, Mushroom Kingdom (think about it), Abercombie and Squid, and Walmarth.

The space-race for mars is just like a one way lustful relationship

Everyone is spending millions of dollars on it and sending things over to mars just to see if its wet.

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The Desert, a Camel, and Chapped Lips

A man is trekking across the Arabian desert with a guide and his camel.



After some time walking through the blistering heat and blowing sand, the man began to notice his lips were getting chapped. Not to be deterred, the man pushed forward, wetting his own lips with his tongue. As t...

Picked up a homeless girl today

She was just lying on the side of the road, cold and wet. So, being the good samaritan I am, I picked her up and popped her in the back of my car.

I took her home, bathed her, clothed her, and cooked us a lovely hot meal.

Then I took her to bed, and that's where things started to get a...

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A Girl was toweling her wet pussy.

She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until...

...the pussy cried "Meow" and runs away.

Moral Lessons

1. Be kind to Animals

2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

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A couple are on a roadtrip

The husband is driving, and accidentally hits a raccoon. They get out to check, and the poor thing is alive but feels very cold. The get it in the car to bring to an animal hospital.

The husband says "hold it between your legs to help warm it up"

She says "but its wet, and smells bad"...

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What's the best way for an incel to get his dick wet?

Taking a bath.

What kind of dreams do hydro electricians have?

Wet dreams.

Shocking, isn't it?

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

I had barely taken off my finger out of her wet hole, that......

..... within seconds she started going down on me. I thought to myself, "Man! I am really gonna miss this boat"

Which letters of the alphabet are wet?

H to O

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

A cop is standing outside a house talking to his senior over intercom

Cop: We got information of a woman who stabbed her husband because he stepped on wet floor his wife had just finished wiping. And are outside her house.

Senior: Arrest the woman immediately!

Cop: The floor is still wet.

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The cat and the chicken...

There was a cat and a chicken standing on the edge of a bridge, the cat falls in the river, and the chicken starts laughing.

Whats is the moral of the storry ?

Where is a wet pussy, there will allways be a happy cock.

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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlet

An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.

She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn’t turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it’s soaking wet.

“Ma’am did you wash it with water?” He asks.

“Yes but I don’t think that’s what killed it.” Replied the old lady.

“Than w...

The world's leading expert on wet clothing walks into a record shop.

The expert asks the assistant "Do you have the latest edition of 'Wet Garments' Acoustics'? I'm sure your store just released it yesterday."

"Of course," the assistant replies. "Would you like to listen to it before you buy it?"

"Why, thank you," says the expert, and puts on a pair of...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

All girls get really wet if they see me

And I only have 5 charges for public urination

What's something that can stop water but never fails to make someone wet?

A kink.

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

What happens if you throw a white stone into the Black Sea?

It gets wet, what’d you think?

I told my son that wetting your pants is nothing to be ashamed of.

It didn’t work; he’s still teasing me for it.

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

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Why does a donkey-meat lover make women wet?

Because he eats ass.

Women are like wet paint.

Irresistible to touch,

Hard to get off your hands.

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

How many medals do you win for wetting the bed?

You Win 8

A wet fart

Should be called a Schrodinger’s shat

All of my wet dreams are nightmares

I call them scream and creams

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“Give it to me!” She yelled. “I’m so fucking wet give it to me now!!”

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.


FYI found this on my phone from ages ago but wanted to post it cause I thought it was hilarious.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

A rich man threw a party and invited the entire neighborhood...

In his backyard, in front of his lavish pool, he said to all party-goers, "In my pool are 10 alligators and 10 sharks. If anyone dare swim across, I will bestow them with anything their heart desires."

Not too long after that, a man is seen swimming frantically across the pool and manages to...

Totos is wondering why he failed the test since he answered all questions correct:

1. In which battle did Leonidas die?

\- His last one.



2. Where did the Declaration of Independence was signed?

\- At the bottom of the page.



3. If you throw a stone in the lake, what will happen?

\- It will get wet.



4. How can some...

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

I feel like a lot of girls are like spaghetti

Straight until wet

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

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A farmer took out an ad to sell one of his horses

The day the ad appeared in the paper, he heard a knock on his door.

When he opened the door, he didn't see anyone there.

"I'm down heah," said voice. The man looked down to see a dwarf there, standing no more than 2 1/2 feet tall. "I'm come to see the horse you have for sale. Wet me...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

What it doesn’t notice is that nearby a fish is watching thinking “If that fly drops six inches in going to have myself a nice meal”.
What the fish doesn’t notice is that behind him there’s a bear watching, he’s thinking “If that fly drops six inches that fish is going to attack the fly, I’m goin...

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A Man, A Woman, A Hobby!

A man has been alone on a deserted island for ten years. One day a beautiful woman in SCUBA gear swims up on shore.

"Oh, thank God! I've been alone here for so long!"

She unzips the side of her wet suit, revealing a shapely arm, and says, "Then, you've probably not had one of these ....

I make women wet all the time.You wanna know my secret?

Be a useless plumber like me

When I die I want to be buried in wet concrete

So that over time the plot thickens

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person?

If so, you may be dew condensation.

New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not ha...

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

How do you get an elephant out of a pool?

Wet.

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Two students are waiting to give their oral test.

The first student's turn comes, and she goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq.ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

What does a UPS truck in a lake and a Magic Mike show have in common?

A lot of wet boxes.

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My girlfriend came through the front door and moaned, "I had to walk home in the rain and now I'm really wet!"

I replied, "You get turned on by the weirdest shit…"

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

I just completed my first wet t-shirt contest but I’m sad that I didn’t win

I don’t get it, I ate waaayy more t-shirts than anyone else

Who brings Purell and wet wipes to all the good little OCD girls and boys?

Sani Claus.

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