Peanuts Jokes

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft... read more

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af... read more

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”

One was a salted

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai... read more

The Candy Bar!

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

... read more

Grandma used to keep a bowl of peanuts next to her bed to hand out.

Then we found out she was just eating the chocolate off them.

ALDI’s nuts

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p... read more

One of them got assaulted.

Linus: "I'm up against John Cena."

Lucy: "I'm gonna slug the Undertaker."

Schroeder: "I'm fighting Roman Reigns."

Charlie Brown: "I got the Rock."

I can only suck the chocolate off of them

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t... read more

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the pean... read more

When you crack them up.

I call it my Trail Mix.

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

# A peanutentiary.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte... read more

Cashews

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ... read more

Suddenly a robber jumped out and one was assalted

One was assaulted!




I'll show myself to the door now

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

Can't blame her though...she really likes to Talk To Chuck.

There was a priest in a church, listening to people's confessions. One day, a boy came up to him.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," the boy said.

"Okay, what is your confession?" the priest asked.

"I threw peanuts down the drain"

The priest was very confused, neve... read more

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long... read more

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have... read more

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ... read more

You better hope I don’t cashew outside!!

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"



A second boy... read more

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts…
Driver: why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should... read more

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

A man walks into a fancy bar and orders a glass of wine. It's early in the evening and the bar is mostly empty.

"Hey man, love the suit. That color? It looks great on you," says a voice near him. He turns to see who it is, but no one is there. I must be hearing things, the man thought. He to... read more

A man sits down at a bar. A basket of peanuts is nearby and tells him, "Hey man, you're looking great tonight!"

The man says, "Thanks, peanuts!"

The peanuts reply, "Also, I really love your outfit!"

The man responds, "Thanks, so nice of you"

The peanuts tell him, "You are... read more

It's totally underground

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

The husband is sitting on the couch eating peanuts,
throwing them into the air and catching them in his mouth.
His wife calls out to him from the kitchen. Just as he tosses one into the air,
he turns his head and the peanut goes into his ear.
As he is trying to get it out, he just keeps ... read more

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin... read more

A woman sits down at a bar. She orders a drink and suddenly hears a faint whisper.

"*Your hair looks great!*"

She looks around, confused. The bar is empty.

Minutes later she hears "*What a lovely dress!*"

Still confused, she asks the bartender what is going on. He point... read more

I went into a bar once and ordered a drink from the bartender. He puts down the drink and a side of peanuts. I take a sip of the drink and I hear faintly, "Man, you have great hair!" I was a little freaked out by it, because there isn't anyone in the bar besides me and the bartender, but the bartend... read more

A man goes into a bar with a pet monkey. He sits at the bar and has a drink, but the monkey runs all over the place, jumping on tables and knocking over drinks. Finally, the monkey jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it. The bartender shouts, "Hey, you, get that monkey out o... read more

What crime did you commit?” He asks the first one.

“I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, “he replies.

“That doesn’t sound so bad. “ the judge says in confusion before addressing the second man, “What crime did you commit?”


“I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at... read more