UPJOKE
plantchemicalammonium nitrateureanitratefertiliserorganicfeedstockmanurephosphorusphosphatenitrogenhaber processnitric acidsodium nitrate

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A dryad goes to a gardening store and gets herself a big bag of fertilizer

"Whatchu got there?"


"Cow manure. It's my favorite fertilizer," she says, dreamily.


"What!? Are you bullshitting me?"


"No! I'm bullshitting me!"

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I used to sell fertilizer.

It was a bullshit job.

What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

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I was so angry when I found out that one of my trucks carrying fertilizer went missing last night.

I lost my shit.

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Dude, I attended the fertilizer convention the other day...

...yeah, it was a real shitshow.

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I heard a rumor about the fertilizer industry.

Apparently, it's a very shitty buisness.

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

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Amazon won't refund me after sending me the wrong fertilizer.

This is some bullshit.

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Every time I leave my house, someone steals all of my fertilizer.

Can't have shit in Detroit.

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Today in chemistry we learnt about how Ammonium nitrate could be used in fertilizer and as an explosive.

That's when I knew we were dealing with some explosive shit

What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

First; a tractor.


Next; fertilizer.

We need to get into the fertilizer industry...

I hear business is booming.

A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

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A farmer is at the bar complaining about a pushy fertilizer salesman.

There's only so much bullshit a guy can take.

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

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There was a farm nearby, so I went to get some fertilizer, I already got it but I decided to bring it back..

Because it just looked like shit

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I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

Fertilizer.

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Two guys decided to get drunk...

...on top of the roof.

While climbing there one guy dropped the ladder, but the other assured him when they're drunk, coming down would not be an issue.

After having drunk for hours, they finally decided to try and get down. One guy saw a pile of human fertilizer and decided that landi...

Did you know fences make good neighbors

And bad neighbors make good fertilizer.

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

A Muslim man wearing a Make America Great Again hat . . .

walks into a bookstore. After browsing around for a while a young woman in a headscarf walks up and says "Salaam, friend. I can't help but notice the hat you're wearing. You can't really support Trump, can you?"

Checking to make sure no one is listening, he whispers, "no, of course not, but k...

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So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.

Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

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2000 Indian Rupees

It is the month of November a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. De-monetization of 500 and 1000 Rupee notes has been announced and no one has cash.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a ...

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

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Jack Shitt: This Is His Story

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TO YOU: "You don't know Jack Shitt"

\[Now you'll know the entire story!\]

**Jack Shitt** is the only son of **O. Shitt** and **Awe Shitt**. O.Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Shitt, who later ran *the Kneedeep Inn-Shitt*. Jack Shitt eventually married **Noe...

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

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