Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries.

They blow it up.

Where was king Solomon's temple located?

On his head.

My body is a temple

ancient and crumbling and probably cursed.

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A man wishes to become a monk at a temple known to teach exotic martial arts...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."

"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accept...

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week

Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...

There was once a temple high in the mountains.

In the temple lived a large group of friars who led a very peaceful and quiet existence. The temple had a grand garden with every type of vegetable and fruit imaginable - carrots, tomatoes, peppers, apples, oranges etc. Since the friars were very spiritual they ate very little, so every day they wou...

My fitness instructor told me to treat my body like a temple

Yet she fainted when she saw me filled with old men in robes

My body is a temple.

It requires frequent animal sacrifice.

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The Department of Justice has announced the approval of a merger between Reddit and a Hindu temple

This is anticipated to create $50 million of synergies in the karma industry.

My body is a temple...

... just not the kind you’d pay to visit.

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.

Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cli...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

My girlfriend says her body is a temple

Apparently that means anyone is free to come inside.

"This body is a temple," said the altar boy,

" Only preists can enter it."

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

My body is built like a temple

There are many hollow passageways where things enter and leave

I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple, and a mosque.

He has no idea how jokes work.

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language....

What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple?

'Nah imma stay.'

Assume your office is a Temple.

Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an atheist for a happy life.

Luke Skywalker went to the Jedi temple

Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.

Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage. It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastical...

They say your body is a temple, and mine is the Temple of Aphrodite...

Destroyed and in ruins

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I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

I tried to get drunk off of Shirley Temples

But I didn't feel Annie-thing.

That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

Aliens suckered humans into making mass temples

It was the first pyramid scheme

What's The Difference Between People, Who Pray In Temple And People Who Pray In A Casino?

Those praying In Casino Are More Serious.

My girlfriend tells me her body is a temple

Everyone's welcome, but you just have to take your shoes off before you enter.

My body is a temple.

What I mean by that is, it looks and feels like something the Romans destroyed 2,500 years ago.

Why didn't the gorilla join the Buddhist temple?

It was too monk-y.

A temple for atheists...

Is a "nonprophet" organisation.

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A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit...

The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?"

The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

Why didn't the monk sell his temple?

*Because it had no monastery value.*

Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

I saw a Doric temple in Corinth today

Pretty Ionic don't you think?

My church says to treat my body like a temple.

And let all the priests inside.

Two rabbis are at temple...

Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep brea...

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Oldest man on Earth

A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.

After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mounta...

My body is a temple.

My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt.

Your body is your temple is a really terrible proverb to promote chastity.

Literally anyone can come inside a temple.

Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi?

Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

So, there's a world, and it's only inhabited by Cheerios.

And in this cheerio society, there are three social classes in which you can reside. The lower, plebian, plain Cheerios. They work in factories and fields. Then, there are the middle class honey nut Cheerios. They are kind if like middle management. Then, there are the mega upper class, bourgeoisie ...

Last went to temple when I was 13. Still remember this "joke."

A man jumps into the ocean and decides to put his life in God's hands. He is treading water for 45 mins when a tugboat comes by. The captain shouts to him, "get in and we will take you to shore!" The man calls back, "no thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me." The captain looks perplexed but dri...

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

Why does Godzilla go to temple?

because he's a kaiju

A blonde woman is distraught because she thinks her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and purchases a handgun...

The following day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous brunette.

She grabs the gun and holds it against her own temple.

The husband immediately jumps out of bed, begging her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde yells, "Shut up! You're next!!"

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What do Jews and guns both have in common?

They always go to temple.

(My friends drunk joke, we're both Jews so don't hate)

If you want to try something different, go to a bar and order a Lindsey Lohan..

It's like a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke.

A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

Monk: Yes of course please come in

The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a...

A loud rich man asks a monk how he meditates so well...

The monk, who was just meditating, opens his eyes and sighs,

"The task is simple" he says, "To meditate well, you must find yourself. Personally, all I do is enter a room and look for the ugliest man there. Since that is always me, I never have trouble finding myself"

The man replies...

An orthodox Jewish man is distraught because his son has converted to Christianity

He goes to temple to pray.

"Lord, what have I done wrong? I lived a righteous life, studying the Torah and doing everything you asked. But now my son has told me he wants to be a Christian! What should I do?"

After a moment of silence, a big booming voice calls out

"You think y...

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

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Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip

Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my ...

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

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The church in my town fell on hard times recently...

There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local fl...

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One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

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An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

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Apparently Abe Lincoln was a Jew

He was shot in the temple

You know what they say;

Your body is a temple, make sure you charge people for entrance.

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A man moves to a new neighborhood...

...and after getting settled in, he goes down to the nehborood bar. When he walks in. He sees a fishbowl full of $100 bills on the bar with a note that says “Ask bartender about contest”.

So the guy sits down, orders a beer, and motions towards the fishbowl. He asks the bartender, “So what’s...

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

Question

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

“Rabbi,” little Melvin asked, “there’s something I need to know.”

“What’s that, my child?” the rabbi asked.

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the children of ...

An American man studying Himduism traveled to Nepal

and came across a very peculiar and over sized Hindu temple. Inside was something he was not expecting to see. He opened the door and saw the most extravagant party he had ever seen in his entire life. Even bigger than anything he has ever seen in any movie he's ever watched. There was an olympic si...

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places ...

A Jewish congregation...

in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you...

A man went searching for the perfect joke...

He went to the best comedy clubs in his city and listened for days. He heard some great things, but nothing he could call perfect.

 

He journeyed to Hollywood, and tracked down the best comedic actors and screenwriters. Each one, eager for the honor of creating the perfect jok...

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- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explai...

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Jesus was walking through Nazareth...

...and he comes upon a crowd of people all shouting angrily and shaking fists full of rocks. Working his way to the front he finds a woman on the floor at the front of the crowd, her clothes ripped and with bruises and cuts to her body.
He turns to one of the most voracious members of the crowd ...

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A joke from Israel

One guy is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money ...

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An African delegation goes to Russia

An African delegation goes to Russia on a diplomatic visit. The delegates are taken around Moscow until they arrive at a nightclub where they see some people holding a gun against their temple.

Then they ask: - What is this?

The Russians reply: - This is our national sport: Russian ro...

This is my body, this is my blood and this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down....

... I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of peace with long hair. In Bethlehem city, born and raised, in the temple is where I spent most of my days. Prayin', blessin', readin' the scrolls, beside the Sea of Galilee and fishin' for souls, when a coupl...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

Enrique Peña Nieto, Malala Yousafzai, and Donald Trump are walking along a beach

It's a bit of an oldie, and I think the last time I heard it, it came off as pretty racist. But I think the current political climate allows me to rehash it better.

Enrique Peña Nieto, who is the Mexican President, is walking along the beach one day with the US President, Donald Trump, and p...

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A man went on vacation to Thailand once...

...unfortunately something went wrong with the booking of the hotel. His room (and any room for that matter) wouldn't be available until tomorrow. The receptionist told the man that if he asked nicely he might be permitted to stay one night in the local temple along with the monks. So the man made h...

[Long] The Genie's Experience. (Taken from r/WritingPrompts but works on r/Jokes)

"And now, for your final experience!" Exclaimed the genie, throwing his arms wide and his chest out. Before him, an elderly man stood, his fingers still clutches around the lamp. And though wrinkles cut into the man's face, and wisps of grey hair danced around his temple, the genie was his senior by...

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On a late Saturday evening

On a late Saturday evening in a pub, a man and a woman, total strangers to each other, met in a bar. As usual, they talked, drank, flirted … and eventually as the evening progressed, they started kissing. With the natural flow of things, they ended up in his apartment. Before things were getting hot...

Russianbias

Twenty-five years ago, in December of 1991, the Soviet Union disintegrated. Humorist J.P. O'Rourke, the author of "The Baby Boom: How It Got That Way" told us, "Many of my favorite jokes came from behind the Iron Curtain. Maybe because humor was particularly sharp because it was the only weapon peop...

Tithe Joke

Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher are sitting around talking about how they run their finances.

The priest says, "At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the ai...

A tourist visits a Zen sanctuary.

While wandering the gardens near the back of the temple, the tourist encounters two Zen masters standing near a closed door. They appear to be having a rather serene sort of debate, so the tourist stops to listen.

"As one's burden increases," says the first Zen master, "so too does their need...

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Maury wants to win the lottery

Each night before bed, Maury, a very pious jewish man, would kneel by his bed and pray to the Lord. "Lord, please let me win the lottery." Night after night he knelt, prayed to the lord, with no results the following day. Years went by, decades passed, each night the same prayer to God, "Lord, ple...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals. They are told that all three of them will die before the day is out. Their bones will be shaped into tools and weapons, their teeth made into necklaces, their skin sewn together to make canoes, and certain more intimate regions o...

Three close friends were getting on in their years.

They had done all sorts of crazy things over their decades together - alligator wrestling, running with the bulls, base jumping... you name it, they've been through it. At this point in their lives, each of their respective families has decided to put them into nursing homes. Seeing as how they won'...

A Rabbi, an Imam, and a good old boy redneck American Soldier are all in a plane crash and find themselves standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter says to them "You've each made mistakes in your lives that could delay your entry into heaven, but I'm willing to let all three of you in at once if you can find something good in your brother standing beside you."

The Imam looks at the Rabbi and says "Surely this fellow man of Go...

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The box

A man decides to give up his 9 to 5 job and live a spiritual life at a monastery as a monk. Upon joining the monastery, the lead monk gives him a tour of the temple and the grounds. After a while, the man asks a question.

"Father, I know this is the life I want to live, but I am not sure ho...

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Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates they see St. Peter standing before them. The first man steps forward.

"What did you do in your life?" Asked the saint.

"I was a comedian," the first man said.

"Really?" mused Peter. "What jokes did you tell?"

"I told Jewish jokes." ...

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