A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

I GOT A FREE FOUNTAIN DRINK AT THE MALL TODAY!!

But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste.

Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro?

Because he’s a Schwimmer

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.

One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The ...

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

If you sat with your hands in the fountain of youth,

would your hands get wrinkly?

So a clothes designer drank from the Fountain of Youth...

Now she's Forever 21.

My dad and I were walking towards a water fountain in our town’s square.

He pulled out two coins and handed me one saying that we should both make a wish.

We flipped our coins and, after a brief pause, he turned to me.

Dad: “Guess it didn’t work.”

Me: “Why?”

Dad: “You’re still here.”

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

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"Life is like a fountain"

A boy grows up in a poor Eastern European country. Every Saturday at services his rabbi ends the sermon by saying, "Life is like a fountain." The boy remembers this whenever he has a hard test, or he is bullied at school, and it helps him cope.

When he gets older, he decides to move to Ameri...

A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen.

Only God knows what the other one does with it.

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Four nuns die in a car crash and arrive in heaven

St. Peter tells them in order to enter the kingdom of heaven they each must confess their sins.

The first sister steps forward and says, "St Peter I tried to live a righteous life, but one time I saw a penis." St Peter says, "okay my child, go to the holy fountain and wash your eyes and you ...

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

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My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart.

He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.

I said "Hey, doc! That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"

He shouted "My God! Do you know what this means?"

"Dear God, what?"

"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"

​

Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge...

Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.

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You know what they say... *insert thing that nobody says*

-Don’t buy a sheep with 3 legs
-The apples in the orchard are nothing like grapes
-When the crows come home, don’t go looking for cows
-On Independence don’t look for a man in a bush
-don’t shoot for the stars if ya don’t have a spacesuit
-keep the spf to a minimum in a snow storm
...

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.

After some tim...

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

There were some monks in a monastery...

...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man...

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[Long] I visited my uncle Garry...

My uncle Garry has done a lot of things in his lifetime, he’s something of a ‘jack-of-all-trades, and he told me the biggest problem with doing so much is never being appreciated for just one thing.

We were walking through the town and Garry pointed to a barn, he said “I built that barn over ...

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What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

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4 Nuns go to heaven...

and arrive at the gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter. They line up and the first one approaches him and he asks the nun if she's ever sinned before.

The first Nun says, "Yes, I've seen a penis before". St. Peter tells her to go over to the holy fountain and wash her eyes out and she can ...

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

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An Engineer Goes to Hell

One day a civil engineer dies and goes before St Peter. St Peter gravely tells him that he must go to Hell.

So the engineer goes to Hell, looks around and thinks: 'What a shithole. Who designed this place?' So he says 'Hey! Satan...'

A few years later, God discovers that the engineer w...

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...

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Another one from my college professor...

In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman

One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues:

"For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes."

The statues hear this and spring to li...

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A lawyer and a priest die and go to heaven.

"Welcome!", says St. Peter. "Follow me and I'll show you your new homes!"

First, he shows the lawyer a humongous mansion with a huge garden and several large fountains. "This is where you'll be living", St. Peter says. The lawyer starts jumping around due to excitement and rushes inside.
...

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Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, sh...

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A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

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Mother Teresa is PISSED!

Mother Teresa dies and is on her way up to heaven. She meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and is adorned with a halo. "Come on this way," St. Peter says, "I'll give you the tour." Mother Teresa is taken aback by the beauty of the angels, clouds and fountains. The pair come across a beautiful Prince...

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Guy walks into a bar.....

Sits down starts chatting with the bartender.

The guy, lets call him Bill, points at a building across the street and says "i built that building, but nobody calls me bill the building builder"

He points at a fountain, says "i built that fountain, but nobody calls me Bill the fountain ...

A Priest and a Deacon

A Priest realized that less and less people were showing up to church every day. He goes to the Deacon and asks "How can I get more people to come to church?"

"Well", says the Deacon, "people like food. Maybe if you offer free food at mass, more people will show up."

So the Priest set...

Dracula in Italy

Count Dracula, fed up with the miserable weather in Transylvania, decides to take a holiday, so he packs up his coffin and capes and heads to Rome for a long weekend.
Upon arriving at his hotel the concierge greets him and asks if has a reservation.
"Yessss," replies the Count. "I am Dracula,...

Four friends decide to create a new tradition

They all have their birthdays the same week, so when they turn 50, they decide they would go every ten years to celebrate at a fancy restaurant.

The first time, when they turn 50, they have a discussion about where to go.

Friend 1: Let's go to the *Thai Orchid*, I heard they have reall...

Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried?

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

When i was your age everything was in black and white.

Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.

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Jack and Sue

The manager of a company has to make a hard choice, whether or fire Jack or Sue. They are both superb workers, but the company has been running into hard times.

The manager decides that whomever drinks from the cooler first will be laid off the following morning.

Sue, who always comes...

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Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church...

The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile.

"You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin."

The men...

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Lawyers and their dogs.

In 1989 the University of Nottingham funded a study to explore the relationship that develops between people and their dogs.

They got three people with dogs: an architect, a mathematician, and a lawyer. The took the dogs and put them in a large room, placing three biscuits in front of each d...

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.

He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's ne...

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Three Nuns Die

In a car crash and go to heaven, Sister Margeret, Sister Patricia, and Sister Mary. They meet Peter at the gates of heaven.

Peter : " Before any of you get in, you need to wash the part of your body in the fountain of holy water that has been lustfully used to sin"

Sister Margeret wal...

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy....

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals. They are told that all three of them will die before the day is out. Their bones will be shaped into tools and weapons, their teeth made into necklaces, their skin sewn together to make canoes, and certain more intimate regions o...

What's the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?

A goldfish mucks about the fountain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four nuns die in a bus crash...

... they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter welcomes the nuns. He tells them that, while he understands they devoted their lives to God, everyone is still given a chance to repent their last Sins, and gestures towards a fountain of Holy Water.

The first nun pulls St. Peter aside, ...

Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

One mucks around in fountains.

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Man in desperate need for a pee

A man is caught short on the high street, in desperate need of a piss. He finally finds a public toilet and rushes in. He see's there are 3 urinals, the left and right are taken so he bounds for the one in the middle.
But as he begins to pee, it doesn't come out as uniformly as expected, but inst...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a woman...

that had such a strong sexual drive that she couldn't find the right husband so she decided to have a contest of who can fuck her the hardest and make her orgasm.

3 people arrived. A black person, a white person and an Asian.

Both the black man and the white man looked at the Asian and...

A mafia family was in need of a collection officer;

...After screening many applicants, they hired an individual who happened to be deaf.
He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000 from nonpayers. However, he was greedy and hide the money for himself.

It didn't take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so ...

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A bus filled with nuns crashes and all passengers are killed and they find themselves at the gates of heaven...

St. Peter comes to the gate and announces, "Sisters, welcome to heaven. To enter the gates all you need to do is tell me your sins and I will let you in. Who is first?"

The first nun from the group steps forward. "What are your sins, child?" The nun responds, "I once saw a man's penis. ...

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

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Nuns At The Pearly Gates

Three nuns die in a tragic station wagon accident. They find themselves in line at the pearly gates, where St. Peter looks in his book and then down to the first nun.

"Sister, I see you've lived a good life. But, you once touched a penis with your right hand. Before you can enter heaven, you ...

A priest and a math teacher...

die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, "If the math teacher gets this, imagine w...

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3 nuns are in line at the gates of heaven

The gatekeeper tells the first nun in line that, in order to enter the kingdom of heaven, she will need to cleanse herself with holy water from any place she touched a penis, for it was a sin. She nodded and proceeded to cleanse her hands in a fountain of holy water nearby. The 3rd nun in line is tr...

An American tourist in Germany...

While in Germany, an American tourist saw a man peeing in a fountain.
"GROSS!" She said.
"Danke!" He said.

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An atheist goes to hell...

..at the gate he met satan who was busy talking on the Phone with someone. So the atheist walks around and explores the area. He finds a pool with hot chicks in it, a fountain with Scotch, a big cinema and some sort of other cool stuff he likes.
But there was a big wall with a little window in...

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So a nun goes to pray at the feet of a statue of The Blessed Virgin...

...and as she closes her eyes, she prays, "Holy Mother, help me seek forgiveness for my sin." The nun hears a heavenly voice; "What is your sin, my daughter?" The nun squeezes her eyes shut and says, "I just saw a penis, Mother... what should I do?" The Holy Mother replies, "Go and wash your eyes...

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There was once an old postman...

...whose name was Stan. Stan had had a robust career delivering mail in a small town for over 45 years, and decided to retire. On his final day of work, the families on his route all decided to give him presents to show their appreciation. At the first house, the McKinsleys gave him a very nice set ...

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?