The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
...

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A politician vists a town in one of his electoral districs.

It is a small, remote town deep in the mountains.
When he arrives he is greeted by the towns people, the mayor, and a camera crew. He waves and shakes his supporters hands while smiling for the camera.
Finally he walks up to the mayor of the small town and asks:

"So mayor, what problems...

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

A young lady and an older one were riding through town in the same carriage.

The older lady asked the younger if she wouldn't mind taking a detour down the cobblestone road which runs past the old church. The younger lady had no objection, and the older directed the driver, who turned at the appointed street. Unlike the brick of the main streets, however, the cobblestone roa...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

I have a confession. Lately I've been greasing up all the wheelchair ramps around town.

I've tried so hard to stop, but once you start it's a really slippery slope...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains ...

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

What do wars and drunken nights out on the town have in common?

A bunch of people collectively inserting themselves into questionable situations because it feels right at the time and rarely pulling out even when they know they've made a mistake.

An experienced mountain guide leads a tourist from the big town trough a narrow cliff.

The tourist annoys the guide with dozends of questions. The guide swallows his pride and paitiently answers all the questions the tourist has. Finally they reach a spot the guide has the tourist on suspense on a long rope.

"Oh it´s deep here" the tourist says.

"Yep, always was" the gui...

Priest calls a town meeting about rumors of ghosts... (long)

In a small rural town rumors start to spread that people are seeing ghosts, so the new and inexperienced priest hears about these rumors and decides to call a town meeting to get to the bottom of these rumors. After everyone arrives the priest then starts the meeting with a question: "Who here has s...

All the rich idiots in my town drive BMWs.

It's the only foreign car they can spell.

A new Lego store opened up in my town...

People were lined up for blocks.

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Husband tells wife:"There's a rumour in town that a guy with a 10 inch schlong died yesterday!"

Wfe:" Oh no!!! Not Joey!"

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"


...

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

A cowhand rides into town and sees a "Help Wanted" poster outside the saloon.

"Man wanted for general farm duties," he reads. "Must be strong, capable, experienced in animal handling and willing to learn. Apply to Widow Sallet, Sallet Farm, two miles east of town."

So he goes along to the farm, as it sounds like steady work and he's tired of living hand to mouth, and f...

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.

When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the ...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

A man is driving across town with his dog.

He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.

The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?"

A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws.

Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

My town never changes population

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

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One day at a small town STI clinic....

An 18 y/o boy who goes to his small town doctor for an STI check. After determining that the lad does not have an STI, the doctor asks him why he thought he might.

The boy tells him that he'd slept with a girl that had a reputation for being easy and thought he may have gotten something.
<...

There's a man in the town who's stealing wheels of police cars..

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

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A man driving through a shady part of town and sees a prostitute...

The man, admittedly horny, decides to negotiate a price to relieve himself of his recent sexual frustration...

"Hey, baby, how much for a good time? Its been a while since I've had sex!"

The prostitute looks him over and says, "Since I like how you look, how's about 100 dollars?"
...

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Joe was having a beer in his town bar when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic and started shouting

"Hurry up! Your wife is cheating on your with your best friend in the woods out back!"

Joe slammed his beer glass down on the counter and stormed off to the woods, angry and furious to see it for himself

He returns after a short while, Sit on his chair and continues drinking.

...

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
...

There’s a local road in my town notorious for causing bicycle accidents.

Some call it a cycle path.

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A guy on a worktrip in a country town gets invited to a party

A local approaches him at a bar and says

"hey man, I can tell you aint from round here so I just thought I would be neighborly and let you know there's a party at the barn tonight, should be a good time. Gunna be some fighting, drinking and fuckin"


The man replies "wow thats fucki...

There's a new cemetery in my town especially for people who died of obesity.

If you're looking for the address, it's 1 Pasta Way.

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Just found out they have opened a new library in my town...

They kept that quiet.

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A prospector is out in the Yukon for months when he finally goes back to town to sell his gold that he has found.

With a fistful of cash, he goes to the brothel, but he's late in getting there and all the pretty, younger girls are taken. The madam tells him she has a real treat for him for only $20 in the last room on the left upstairs. He pays the $20 and goes to the room.

He opens the door and there's ...

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An angry man storms into the town pub with a gun. "Alright, which one of you bastards has been fucking my wife!?

A voice at the back of the room says, "Buddy. You ain't got enough bullets."

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The toughest biker in town and his best friend ride home to find his wife and another man having sex in the middle of the floor...

The biker pauses, a look of pure fury on his face. He steps right over his wife and the man fucking her, and goes straight to the kitchen.

His friend follows, expecting the big biker to come out with a knife. Instead the biker grabs a beer and chugs it. With a scowl he turns to his friend and...

Genghis Khan once had the hands of an entire village of superb bowmen maimed so their skills could never be used against him. Similarly, he crippled a conquered town of excellent sprinters

For the town, it was a crushing de feet

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There's a new luxury brothel in town

They pick you up with a limo service, you have a room for yourself with bed, shower, everything, you can drink as much champagne you like and have sex all night, and when you go home they even give you 500 bucks!

I haven't been there yet, but my wife has.

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

I just entered the Town's tightest hat competition..

hope I can pull it off.

A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.

The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."

A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I...

My barista makes the worst coffee in town

But I keep going back to him, the legal advice he gives is brilliant.

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

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The tattoo parlour in my town is offering free tattoos to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s a tit for tat special.

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There's a cheap prostitute in town who works the corner by McDonald's

Quarter? Pound her.

What do you call it when lawyers pregame before a night out on the town?

Preparing for the bar

There are two sisters...

...one is blonde and hte other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed ...

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

A man ran out of gasoline and walked to a nearby small oiler town.

Fortunately, there was a gas station. . He couldn’t find a gas canister, so he went down the street knocking on each door to find one.

He knocked on one door.

“Hello, I’ve run out of gas and need a gas can. Can you help me?” The woman said “No, but Jolyne can.”

He knocked on Jo...

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The hottest club in town is exclusively for bald people and it’s bouncer is super short and blind...

He checks to see if clients entering the club are bald by having them stoop and running his hand over their head. So, this dude wants to go in cuz they got the hottest stuff. But he’s not bald. So he gets in line.
The dude infront of him walks up to the bouncer stoops a bit and the bouncer rubs h...

Some guy has been stealing Iphones all over town, I hope they catch him.

He is going to face time soon.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

in what town do people move fast?

velocity

Why can you find cocaine in every town and city?

It’s federally distributed.

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

John runs a booming 5-star hotel business in his town.

One day, a bald headed guy comes to his hotel and asks for Room 690 specifically.

"But sir, that room is already occupied. We could give you another room."

"I'll pay you ten times more. I need that room."

John, obviously lured by the money, gives him the room. But the bald head...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

‟How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

‟I am going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man h...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

A man living at the end of the town decides to take a shortcut...

On his walk home at 12:00am a man living at the end of the town decides to take a shortcut. He passes through the cemetery. Suddenly, from one of the bushes nearby, he hears whispering sound:

"Give me.... Giiiiive me..."

The man very scared stops, trying to figure out what to do. The v...

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

I rented a house out of town.

It looks so isolated and peaceful. I asked the landlord if the house was rented by anyone before. He said that the house was previously rented by many ones. I asked why they left house and he said that they never left the house. I didn't get what he said.

I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750.

"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"

After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.

I guess I got carried away.

I was driving around town when I saw that a big bargain sale was going on in my favorite store.

I instantly stopped the car and entered the store.

Turns out this was a sting operation to arrest me.

I was charged with braking and entering.

Do you know who lives in the bad part of Duck Town?

Quackheads

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

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In an historic convent in Ireland, the sisters were accustomed to having visitors from the local town.

One day, a beautiful young nun heard a knock on her dormitory hall door as she was just getting ready for her bath.

"Who's there?" she asked.

A voice replied, "It is Cassidy, the blind man from the village."

She smiled and despite being nude, opened the door.

Cassidy ...

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the ...

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

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A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers’ Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you — I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ”I have to be honest with you now. I’m a cab driver, and it’ll ...

Two homeless drunks have an idea NSFW

Two homeless men are talking together in an alley.

&nbsp;

One man says to the other: Hey, I have an idea let's pool our money and buy a hotdog. Then we will go to every bar in town and order drinks until they ask us to pay. When they do, you drop on your knees, open my fly, start ...

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

There was a pun competition in my town recently.

The newspaper came with the advert. Anybody could send as many puns as they wanted. So I decided to send 10 of them. You know, the more you send the more chances of winning.

Pretty cool, right?

When the results came, I was shocked to see I didn't win.

No pun in ten did.

What do you call an art studio on the bad side of town?

Sketchy

The Vietnamese restaurant in my town closed yesterday...

The sign out front said Pho Sale

A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

“I must have taken Lief off my census.”

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Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

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Once there was a Man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the...

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A young priest is on his first assignment

A very naïve young priest was assigned to a big city church. On his first day he decides to explore, and ends up in a seedy neighborhood. A prostitute comes up to him and says, "Hey, Father, $25 for a blowjob." The priest is confused, so he keeps walking.

When he gets back to the church, h...

Jesus was walking through town one day

When he crossed paths with a Roman soldier. Feeling outgoing, Jesus put his hand up for a hi-five while passing by.

The Roman soldier had ill feelings towards Jesus' teachings and following. He couldn't stand the idea of supporting such a character so he simply grunted and ignored Jesus.
<...

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires...

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Heard in Townes Van Zandt’s Live at the Old Quarter album

There’s this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says, “Man, somebody stole my car.” The cop says, “Well, where was it?” And he says, “It was right on the end of this key.”

The cop says, “There’s not much I can do for you, but why don’t you go down to the precinct ...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

A man is walking down Main Street in a small town, browsing the shops.

He goes into a curio shop, and peruses through all the knickknacks. In front of the register, there is a glass case with several expensive items. One item catches his eye; a little gold rat, slightly smaller than the real thing. He asks the shopkeeper what's the deal with the gold rat.

"Ahhh,...

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books

But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building.

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

There once was a small mining town in which a man named Jim worked long and hard hours in a dark mine shaft.....

One day he and his fellow co-workers got paid and decided to have a night out on the town. They went to bars and burnt most of their money drinking, except for Jim. Jim had saved his money for something special, a brothel.

Jim walked into the brothel and boisterously exclaimed: "Show me to y...

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

My town organized a competition yesterday to find out who is the best contortionist.

My friend entered himself and won.

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

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Our small town made national news when a baby was born here that was part animal.

It had a deer face and a bear ass.

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then ...

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Two Assholes

“Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. ...

One day in a small town, a man buys land right infront of a church

He decides to build a brothel there and when the priest and the other religious folk heard that, they strongly stood against the construction of the house of many sins. However, nobody could do anything because the land was not theirs and the man could legally build anything he wanted there.

...

what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy

the spaghetto

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

There is a new autopsy club in town and last night it was packed.

It was open mike night.

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A man returns to his home town after a long journey to find all the floors and buildings have become human abdomens...

'this place has become a waist land' he thought to himself.

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet a...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t w...

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

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I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

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A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

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John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours u...

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

There was a power cut in town today,

two blondes were stranded on a supermarket escalator for hours.

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

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A man goes to a bar and meets an escort...

...after talking to her fr a bit, he asks her, ‟Alright.Enough talk.How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?”

‟$50,” She says.

‟$50 for a handjob? You have got to be kidding me!” He replies.

‟Come over here,” She says.‟See that car outside?” She points to the window.He looks ...

Watermelons

A farmer is having trouble with the boys in town eating his watermelons. So he posts a sign that says, "one of my watermelons is poisoned."

The next day he wakes up and finds a sign next to it. "Now 2 are poisoned."

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