A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300

Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;

“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
“Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already...”
“Ok then, give me the dead donke...

I am going to invest in Deer Farming...

seems like the best bang for buck!

Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.



'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'


'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'



'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'

...

I could tell you a joke about farming...

But it would be the corniest joke you'd ever herd...

I used to sell farming equipment...

Until they outlawed slavery.

What do you call a person who likes geometry and farming?

A pro-tractor!

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?

He didn't work well with udders.

What is the worst thing about farming vegetables?

The wheelchairs are too expensive.

What is similar about studying farming and taking "yo mama" to the opera?

One is taking horticulture....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3rd Grade Classroom in a Chicken Farming Community

Miss Coral is a 3rd grade teacher in a rural community where almost all of the residents are chicken farmers. She decides to do a lesson with her students on stories with morals, and gives her students the homework of finding a story from their families that have morals.
The next day she asks ...

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

So goes the cow

I feel like a **good** joke can be reposted about once a year on here (if a bad one can be posted once a month), so here goes:

^^[listen.to.it.here](http://vimeo.com/109935412)

There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farming couple are lying in bed.

An old married couple who own a farm are lying in bed one night.

The old man starts playing with his wife's breasts and says, "Just think, honey. If you had any milk in these we could get rid of the cows."

Soon he works his way to her downstairs and starts touching her and says, "Just ...

The person who wrote the auto-correct logic was killed in a bizarre farming accident.

Rest in Pieces!

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Farming isn't for everyone..

But hay, it's in my jeans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a million dollars farming?

Start with two million and work your ass off.

A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...cal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farming upstart

One day a man decided to start a farm. So he walked down the road until he came to a farm and asked, "Do you have any chickens?"
The farmer replies "Yes, but we dont call them that around here. 'Round here we call 'em Pullets". He buys the "pullet"

So the farmer goes down the road and agai...

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

Farming for a Nobel Prize

Farmer John is driving along the road one day when he spots his neighbour, Bill, standing on top of his tractor in the middle of his field. Overcome with curiosity, he ambles over and asks Bill what he is up to?
Bill replies, "Trying to win a Nobel prize".
"How do you figure?"
"Well, I h...

A city man hears there is money in pig farming..

..And decides to start his own pig farm. He goes to the local pig farm to get his first pig. The farmer there tells him that the pigs are a dollar per pound. The city man feels this is a fair price and picks out a pig. The farmer goes over, grabs the pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig up. Af...

What did the farming professor say to his new students?

"Welcome to my field."

I'm tired of all these farming tips. Let's face it, there's only one thing that makes you good at farming

Step one: be a tractor

Step two: don't be unnatractor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”

The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundre...

Farming advice

A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks naked every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the g...

Scarecrows love farming

When I asked him why he loved farming so much he just said, "Hay, it's in my jeans."

The end of world is near.

Once a political leader (who was campaigning) and a farmer were sitting in a park. Suddenly they both die at the same time. They are greeted by God in heaven who says only one can get into heaven.

God asked" the one who has done more good deeds will enter heaven". To which both agree.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NYC Ad Exec has had enough...

So he buys five acres in Oklahoma to get away from it all and starts the ranch and farming life. He's been living there alone with no other human contact for seven months. One day, this mountain of a dude comes ambling up. He says, "I'm your next door neighbor, five miles down the road. There's goi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Tax time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "Whats your occupation?"

"I'm a lady of the ni...

How many people subscribed to r/ jokes does it take to change a light bulb?

7



1 to get the light bulb, 1 to make a joke about getting a light bulb, 1 to put it in, 1 to make a joke about putting it in, 1 to make a joke about the situation, me to repost the joke, and 1 to break the bulb so we can start farming for karma again.

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

A farmer, an engineer, and a mathematician are building a fence...

The farmer, drawing from his years of farming experience, tells the others about how much wood and materials they’ll need to build the pin for his sheep to graze.

The engineer, determined to find the exact amount of materials to build the fence, draws up a series of complex equations and calc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to a nun on a bus.

A man gets onto a bus in a small farming town and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a retiring man decides to start a farm

As an insurance adjuster, he always wanted to start a farm out in the country. He takes his retirement and moves out to the country, and immediately goes to a local market in order to purchase animals to start his farm with.

He sees a stand with hens. He thinks, "Well, wouldn't be a bad idea ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer.

He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"


The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, na...

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's an Irish family who live in the countryside (a bit of a long one here)

And the closest town is about a mile away. They make their money from a little bit of farming, but mostly from the milk that their cow produces.

So one day, the father wakes up and goes outside, and sees that the family cow has died. Stricken with grief, he kills himself on the spot. When his...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his dog

A farmer and his dog were hanging around when he told his dog "go round up those 35 sheep!"

The dog did as asked and gathered up all of the sheep for his farmer, however, he missed a few! He only came back with 30...

The farmer was infuriated so he sent his dog to dog school.

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy was always a big fan of tractors

He absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control tractors and even tractor board games. All he ever wanted to do was one day own his own tractor. When Jimmy was 15 he even managed to find himself some tractor porn, which was not easy to come by. One day whilst Jimmy...

A Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic, and a white trash biker...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farm...

I met a disgruntled farmer in the pub today

“You look disgruntled,” I said. “What’s the story?”

“I ordered a couple of tons of manure,” he replied gloomily. “It arrived today.”

“Is that bad?”

“Well, you see, it was fake.”

“Fake?”

“Yes, fake manure.”

“I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

“Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves out of the city to become a chicken farmer.

He buys a plot of property in the middle of nowhere, and walks to the nearest town to meet the local townspeople and see who's who for chicken farming. A local says, "Go see the farmer that-a-way", pointing towards the opposite side of town from where the man came. "He's a ways out there, but he's...

Cat Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Yankee farmer moves down south

So this farmer from up north decides he's going to retire and move to the south. After he gets his house and land he starts to miss farming so he decides to start back up but on a small scale. The farmer walks to the local flea market to see what he can find and first off he sees a man selling 2 chi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor farmers

Farmers are having an awful time at the moment in Ireland. No grants, no profit, just terrible.

John: "Well Tom how are things, how's the farming?"
Tom: "Bad John, I think I'm going to switch from milking cows to raising cocks"
John: "Why is that?"
Tom: "Well farmers need the cocks t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Young man was hitchhiking through the countryside...

..when it began to get dark. In the distance he could see what looked like a farmyard barn with the windows lit.

After trudging across a field in the now pitch-black night, he reached the small red building. After knocking on the door a few times there was no answer, so he decided to go insi...

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tale of Jim and Bob

So Jim and Bob are two farmer's sons. They grew up together and became the best of friends.

Now one evening, Jim was working over at Bob's farm for the day when a terrible storm started up. After Jim and Bob ran to Bob's house to stay out of the rain. The storm grew worse and worse, to the po...

A question of scale

A Texas rancher and a Vermont dairy farmer are having a conversation about their farming operations at a cattleman's conference. The Vermont man asks how many acres of corn the Texan grew this year. "I don't grow any.", said the Texan. "Oh.", said the Vermonter, feeling embarrassed for asking . ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to start a farm one day.

He heard about a man a few miles away that was selling his animals and decided it was the perfect opportunity to start his farming dream. So he drove over to the man, and they started strolling along the pens so he could pick what he wanted. They passed by a rooster and the man asked, "What is that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's this boy, and he really loves tractors... [xpost from funny.]

He developed an exceptional love for tractors at quite a young age. He had grown up on a farm and his father was a farmer, his father's father was a farmer, and so on. He wanted nothing more than to, one day, buy his own tractor and take over his father's jobs on the farm. The boy maintains his obse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A twist on an old classic

So there's a filthy pig and a beautiful black stallion just shooting the breeze in the stable after a long day of farming it up. The pig says
"Hey Black Stallion, you old horse, why the long face?" To which the black stallion replies:
"Because the white man has been riding my black ass all d...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.