This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men checked into a hotel. The clerk at the counter told them there are only one room left. Three men decided to share the bed.

Next morning, the man that slept in the right side of the bed said, "I had a really weird dream last night, I dreamed that someone jerked me off."

The man that slept in the left side said, "That's weird, I had the same dream!"

The man in the middle said, "I had a different dream, I dre...

I was buying condoms and the clerk asked me if I wanted a bag.

I responded, "no thanks, she's not that ugly"

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

I asked the clerk at the store if a body would fit in this suitcase

I'm just kidding, i'm going to cut it up.

What did Zenyatta(From Overwatch) say to the Dominoes clerk

Make me one with everything

I'm at a Mexican electronics store and the clerk asked me what kind of cables I was looking for.

I told him, "Audios."

He left and hasn't come back since.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some two-by-fours. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"

The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The cl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked the bookstore clerk if he had Trump’s new book on border security.

He said “Fuck you! Get out and stay out!” I replied, “ Yes- that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

Why was the liquor store clerk arrested?

He was in cider trading

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, ...

... but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"Th...

The Condom Buyer

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.


The next day, the man comes back to the store, ...

I am an accounts payable clerk. It’s no a glamorous job

But it pays the bills

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An ugly woman walked into a store a with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"


The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk r...

A dude walks into a convenience store...

...and asks if they got any eggplant juice. The clerk says no so the dude thanks the clerk and leaves.

The second day, the dude goes to the convenience store again to ask if they got any eggplant juice and the clerk again says no so the dude thanks the clerk and leaves.

On the third da...

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

Why can't clerks at the grocery store pick which cashier they work with?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked the hotel clerk for the porn in my room to be disabled.

She said, “We only have regular porn you sick bastard.”

Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"

"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?"

I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :)

A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.

"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.

"Why not?" asked the clerk.

"Because I'm blind".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dog named Sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

*It goes like this:*

"One day Sex and I took a walk and h...

A dog went to a telegram office

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, ...

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?...

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it s...

A duck walks into a 7-11 and waddles up to the clerk...

"Do you have any grapes?", the duck asks. The clerk tells the duck that no, they don't sell grapes because they are not a supermarket and to try somewhere else. The duck thanks the man and waddles out.


The next day, the duck comes back and waddles up to the counter and asks the same man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Foul language] Man wants to open a bank account at this shitty bank

A man enters a bank and walks up to the clerk desk.

"Good day to you sir, what can I help you with today?" Says the clerk.

"I want to open a fucking account at this shitty bank." Responds the man.

"Excuse me?" Says the clerk lady.

"You heard me, I want to open a fucking b...

The Professor's Lecture

Professor Drobkin was about to lead a lecture in front of a large group of students and fellows at the University, and he was terribly nervous. He had never been very good at speaking in front of large audiences, so he'd practiced at home constantly with a set of notecards.

When he was summon...

I walked into a bookstore and told the clerk...

I walked into a bookstore and I told the clerk, "I'm looking for a book called, 'How to Deal with Rejection without Killing'... Do you have it?? **Do you have it?**"

A man walks into a gun shop and sees that the clerk is a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

He asks, "What's with the small arms?"

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Produce Clerk

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the...

A bakery owner hires a young, attractive female clerk ...

...who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and spots the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, pl...

The blind Walmart clerk

My teacher was telling us about this joke today so I thought I would share.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing...

A photon checks into a motel

the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."

The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"

A man went into the Job Center in Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read:
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so the...

A guy was checking out at a supermarket with an attractive young clerk.

She scanned the frozen dinners, the beer, the ramen noodles and kept giving him eyes in between each scan.

As she scanned the condoms she looks and him and says, "Single huh?"

He replies, "yea, how'd you know?"

She says, "Because you're ugly."

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."

The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

A blonde goes to buy a TV.

A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: I'm sorry but we d...

A man walks in to a bookstore and asks the clerk where the self-help section is.

The clerk responds: If I told you that, wouldn't it defeat the purpose?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An attractive blonde is dropping her dress off to be cleaned.

She hands the dress to the clerk who says thank you.

As the blonde walks out the clerk says "come again!"

The blonde turns and says "it's toothpaste this time you bitch!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

and walks up to a pretty, young clerk.

"I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.

The clerk looks up, mildly shocked, sure she's misheard. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," says the man. "I want to open a fucking bank account."

The clerk puts down her pen. "Sir, I'm go...

While on vacation the desk clerk at the London hotel told me I'd only get the key to my room if I presented him with 250 pounds...

... so I introduced him to my wife.

There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?

Meat.

Translated Indian Joke

A man is leaving his village for the first time to visit the big city. His fellow villagers don't want him to get ripped off, so they give him some advice - never agree to the seller's price... always ask for half the price.

So the man arrives at the city, and sees an umbrella store. He heads...

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would no...

I was at the store and I asked the clerk to please give me 50 condoms to buy....

I heard two girls snicker behind me so I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, make that 52 condoms.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is driving his GF

home when she decides she wants to go to her friend's instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her.

The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Clitoris Licking Frog

A new exotic adults' toy shop opens in town and Joan, a middle-aged spinster decides to go and check out their wares in hopes to satisfy her usually unquenchable urges.
A poster in the shop window immediately catches Joan's eye. 'NEW Clitoris Licking Frog - Guaranteed satisfaction in minutes'. ...

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody...

...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.

Newlyweds tell the hotel desk clerk "we need a room we just got married!" Clerk says "would you like a bridal?"

The husband replies" no I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.

&#x200B;

“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.

&#x200B;

“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Your mom walks into a sex shop and the clerk directs her to where they keep the vibrators. She points to one she likes and tells him: "I'll take that red one." The clerk responds:

"Ma'am, the vibrators are on the wall next to the fire extinguisher."

Need help finding the punchline to a joke!!

So i remember reading this joke (or antijoke) where 100 nuns are travelling and decide to stop at the inn for the night. The clerk says they only have room for 50 so the nuns say "its okay, 50 will sleep inside and 50 will sleep outside". The next morning, the 50 nuns that slept outside are all dead...

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the vodka

Turns out he was my spirit guide.

A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,

'i would like to see a bikini that fits me'

Clerk...'me too'

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[At the chameleon store]

Me: Do you have any chameleons?


Clerk: I have no fucking idea

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

Cowboy and a Drugstore Clerk

Cowboy: Give me three packs of condoms please.

Clerk: You need a bag with that?

Cowboy: Nah... She's purty good lookin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:

&#x200B;

'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'

&#x200B;

Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'

&#x200B...

A terrorist walks into a store

"How much for this bomb?" he asks.

"$500", said the clerk.

"Will you take $450?" asks the terrorist.

"I'm sorry sir," replies the clerk, "We don't negotiate with terrorists."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.”

The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

&#x200B;

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

&#x200B;

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the cl...

A woman decided to get a facelift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling rea...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to ...

Going to hospital

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."


"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.


"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

Price of gas

I stopped for gas yesterday and asked for 5 bucks worth. The clerk farted twice and asked me if I wanted a receipt

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

Blockbuster

A man walks into blockbuster, has a look around and goes to the front desk.

"excuse me sir, can I have a copy of Batman forever?"

Clerk responds: "Sorry guy, I'm gonna need it back tomorrow night".

A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase.

“I bought this book last week called The Biggest Cowards in History, but the minute I opened the book, all of the pages fell out.”

The sales clerk looks at the book and explains, “Well, that’s because it’s got no spine.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old lady needs help getting laid...

An old lady hadn't had sex with her husband in years. While he's working one day, she went to the nearby sex shop and asks for a recommendation.

The clerk picked out a pair of crotchless panties assuring the old woman that they will surely put her husband in the mood. The old woman eagerly b...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

An old bear is about to write in his journal... (Translated from Chinese)

And he finds that he has no more pages left, so he decides to go get a new one. It's already midnight but he goes out anyway. He gets on his bike and rides into the dark streets. After a long time, he finally finds a bookstore that's still open, so he goes inside. He finds a new journal that he real...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Indian man walked into a grosery store in the wild west

wanting to buy toilet paper. The clerk told him they had one cheap brand with no name and a brand called luxury. The Indian man settled for the no name cheap one.
After two days he came back and told the clerk he had a name for the cheap toilet paper.
You can call it John Wayne. The clerk sai...

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".

"What?" asks the clerk.

The man pointed to the garden tools. "That hoe over there."

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

Would you like this in a bag?

Man at the counter :A box of condoms, please.  
Clerk :That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?  
Man at the counter :Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Biker

Biker checks into a motel. tells the clerk to find him a tall skinny hooker . No tits no ass he says .

The clerk says Ill see what I can do .

About a hour later there's a knock on the door and there is a tall skinny hooker .

Ok says the biker come in and take off all your...