This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

​

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

Hey Ryu, where’s Ken at? He’s not at his desk.

He Doookin’!



Oh, okay, thanks.

In London, at a hotel, the American guest asks the person at the desk:

“Where is the elevator?”




“Oh, you mean the lift, sir?”




“No, I meant the elevator because we, the Americans, invented it!”




“Indeed, sir, indeed, but we, the British, invented the language!”

Where I work, they changed our work stations to those adjustable stand up desks

apparently I have to buy my own adjustable chair.

Is he permitted to be an estonian desk?

No, he's not a laud

I made a standing desk for myself at work and it made a huge difference

Now I look up at my computer, while I continue sitting comfortably

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At The Immigration Desk

Do you speak English?.........  "Yes!“

Name?...... “Abdul al-Rhazib“

Sex?..... "Three to five times a week!“

No, no, I mean male or female?..... "Yes, male, female, sometimes camel…“

Holy cow!....... "Yes, cow, sheep, many animalsl“

But isn't that hostile?...... "H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

An elderly man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy call the reception desk at the hotel where he is staying.

The receptionist answer and the man calmly says: please I need your help, my wife wants to jump out the window from the 10th floor. The receptionist says: It is late in the night sir and There is only me and a maintenance guy in the building, no one can help you. Besides it is a personal matter, I t...

The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types..

His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

A man staying at a hotel calls the reception desk...

"Hello!?" He yells "My wife and I are having a huge fight right now and she's threatening to jump out of the window!!"

"I'm sorry sir." She replies "That seems like a personal problem. Maybe I could call the police?"

"NO!" He shouts back angrily, "The goddamned lock on our window is st...

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

“Sir, is everything alright?” stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, “How many is ...

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.

This one is round and red."  Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl.  "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.  The next one is oval shaped and green."  The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."  No, it's a guana, but i...

A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. It points a wing at the man behind the desk and says with a frown:

"Quack"

In town for business and called down to the front desk for a wake up call.

The next morning the phone rings, "what are you doing with your life".

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

I went to a bookstore and asked the woman at the desk if they had any books on turtles

"Hardback?" She asked.

"Yes" I said...
"And the little head and feet"

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."...

I went down to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today and walked up to the main desk to sign in when the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented...

I said, 'A folding bottle.'

She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'

'A fottle.'

'What else do you have there?'

'A folding carton.'

'OK, what do you call it?'

'A farton.'

She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds ...

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

Had to go see HR about having an erection at my desk.

Explained that I was just hard at work!

I started standing at my desk during work and got fired for it

Apparently not wearing seatbelts during take off and landing is against company policy

Cheer up Hilary!

At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier. Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk? Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk. Sperm bank employee: Oh my god! Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk.

Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.

"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"

"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.

"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"

"And the bad news?"...

Help desk

If you are asked to choose between Bill Gates’ money and World’s Peace, THEN
What will be the color of your Lamborghini?

Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …
Help-desk : double click on “My Computer”.
Lady : I can’t see your computer..
Help-desk : No .. Click on “My Computer” o...

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

A blonde student catches her teacher at his desk after class

She puts her arms on his desk and pouts saying "this class is hard, I would do anything to get a good grade on the final. Anything."

He leans in close and says "Anything? Anything at all? Would you.... Study?"

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri,...

I tried to call the president of Russia, but he was away from his desk.

He was probably taking a leak, or maybe he was Putin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk

Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bankers wager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After a lengthy discussions the president of the Bank asked ...

A man finds himself in a hotel lobby. The lady at the front desk is giving him big "F me" eyes.

Now, sure, he's seen prettier women in his lifetime. But she's a solid seven, and looking at him in such a sultry fashion that his knees nonetheless knock together nervously.

"You can have me, right here, right now, or you can carry on to success," she whispers, tracing her finger slowly down...

My buddy makes software for iPhones, for people who like those wiggly-head toys people put on their desks.

Says he's app-ing for bobbles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said..

"Do you think I pay people to do that?"

"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking bloke in the world."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor sits down at his desk to write a prescription for a patient.

He reaches into his top pocket of his white coat and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Cursing loudly, he shouts "Shit! That must mean some arsehole has my pen!"

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.

"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers...

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

I bought a new desk from IKEA....

And I noticed that a piece was missing. It was a connecting rod that should have been marked "A."

I called IKEA and told them about my issue. They said there must have been a shortage, but this was a limited-run item. I asked them what I should do. At that time, they informed me that I wa...

Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...

... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?

I dug a trench around my desk at work today, complete with running water, but the boss got really angry and made me fill it in…

Can't believe I've been demoated…

William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.


Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book. The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.

"I'm so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

​

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

​

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

A blonde calls the front desk of her hotel in a panic.

"Help! I'm trapped in my room!" she says. "How do I get out?"

The clerk at the front desk says, "just go out the door."

"I tried," she says "but one just leads to the bathroom, and the other has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it!"

I'm loving my new desk. It looks good and is at the perfect working height. I sat down, got myself comfortable and thought..

Yeah I could really get behind this.

A username walks to the reception desk of a hotel after staying there a few days.

And it checks out.

So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.

One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the woman.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is h...

Two men, an American and a Russian were argueing. One said, in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!" The Russian said "I can do that too!"

"really?"
"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

While on vacation the desk clerk at the London hotel told me I'd only get the key to my room if I presented him with 250 pounds...

... so I introduced him to my wife.

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian s...

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”

Sure enough he got a la...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I'm in a hotel room and call down to the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in the sink..."

The guy answers, "Go ahead, the customer's always right..."

- H. Youngman

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Because there is a "b" in both and an 'n' in neither.

Called the front desk of our motel and told him "I've gotta leak in the sink."

He said "That's OK, just rinse it out when you're done."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?

He didn't like dealing with reservations.

A man walks into a library and goes up to the front desk.

He says to the librarian, "Hello, I'll have a Big Mac, Coke, and fries please."

She looks at him confusedly and says, "Sir, this is a library."

He replies in a whisper, ^^"Oh. ^^Sorry. ^^I'll ^^have ^^a ^^Big ^^Mac, ^^Coke, ^^and ^^fries ^^please."

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician works at their desk.

An engineer is working at his desk in his office, as his cigarette falls off the desk into the wastebasket, causing the papers within to burst into flames.
He immediately deduces the most logical place of the fire extinguisher, grabs it, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.

A physic...

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

Newlyweds tell the hotel desk clerk "we need a room we just got married!" Clerk says "would you like a bridal?"

The husband replies" no I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

Today at work, at my desk, my boss offered me a handjob...

It's okay though, I'm self employed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A front desk attendant at Delta is beginning to board passengers for a flight from Atlanta to Birmingham, Alabama...

As he is taking the tickets from the passengers and allowing them board, he notices one man still standing at the window, looking at the plane. Once everyone else has walked down the passageway towards the jet, the attendant walks over to the man and asks if he is supposed to be on the plane.
...

On a recent evening a man came up to me at the front desk of my library. He was carrying a large plank of plywood.

On the plywood were copious amounts of what appeared to be a flour and water mix. He might have put yeast in it to make it airier and lighter. He had shaped the mixture into a kind of giant map. There was something I took to be divisions for states, or provinces. He'd created a facsimile of a capito...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gambling problem.

So there's an 80 year old man who one day gets a call from the IRS.

IRS: hello sir we've noticed large amounts of money moving into and out of your account and I need you to come down for a meeting tomorrow and explain some things or we may have to perform an audit.

The old man agree...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl I know got collagen injections in her butt. Now she looks like a smuggler's desk.

She's got a false bottom in her drawers.


Just thought of that one today.

An Afghan lands at a Pakistani airport, and walks up to the immigration desk.

He introduces himself to a Pakistan Immigration Officer, as

Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

The surprised Pakistani Officer asks:

"But there is no sea in Afghanistan.

How can you be the Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping.?"

The Afghan replies:<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recall my fist time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she un...

A young attractive college student about to fail the course approaches her professor after class...

They are alone in the room and she sits on his desk.

She leans in close and says "you know, I'm willing to do anything for a better grade..."

The professor looks her up and down, and says "anything?".

She gives a seductive wink, licks her lips, and says "anything..."

Prof...

"Reddit, reddit."

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book b...

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure th...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

A blind woman goes out shopping...

A blind old woman goes out shopping, and instead of walking into the local electronics store, she ends up walking into the pet store.

She says to the manager at the desk: "Hello there. I was wondering, do you sell infrared grillers?"

The manager says back: "I'm afraid we don't have tho...

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Written on a desk at my school.

Two hunters were walking in the woods. It was starting to get dark, so they decided to head back to camp. The first hunter said to the second hunter, "Go on ahead, I have to take a dump". So the second hunter heads back to camp, and on his way back he shoots a huge deer, and he runs back up the trai...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices....

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.
When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks,
"Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of boo...

I was sitting at my desk, trying to think of a double entendre...

...but it got really hard.

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see the doctor about my penis

When I arrived at the doctors office I explained to the girl at the front desk that I would like to see a doctor regarding my penis.


'It can't be very long, please take a seat' she replied.


How dare she assume such a thing! I began to storm off to the waiting area as I hear...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to do a general check up.

The doctor prescribes him some tests and tells him they'll be done in an hour. After an hour, the doctor comes back and tells the man that he has good news and bad news, and asks which one he'll like to hear first. The man asks for the bad news and the doctor replies that he has cancer.

Shoc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scouser walks into the jobcentre and informs the woman behind the desk that he is looking for a job.

Woman: Perfect timing. Just had this one come in. Its the minder to a billionaires nymphomaniac teenage daughter. No experience necessary. £100k pa and a Bentley as a company car

Scouse: You've got to be fucking kidding me!

Wamn: Well you started it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy heads to the doctors office

It’s been a few years since he’s been in, so he decides to get a physical with blood work and labs.

He checks in with the same receptionist that was there years ago, and gets called in to see the doctor, who remembers him.

The doctor asks, “How have you been Pete?”

Pete replie...

A man and an auditor...

A man went into an auditor’s office with his lawyer and sat down.

“It says here you get all your money from gambling?” The auditor said with a suspicious look.

“Yes,” the man said. “I am a fairly good gambler.”

The man then told the auditor that he would bet him $1000 dollars th...

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...