I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes

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Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

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A little boy dressed in a cowboy costume...

A little boy wearing a cowboy costume walks into an ice cream shop.
The lady behind the counter says, "Don't you look dashing in your cowboy outfit! What can I get for you 'lil partner?"

"I want an ice cream sundae with lots of chocolate and nuts!"

She says, "Do you want your nuts c...

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

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One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

### One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

The next day she asks a girl what her moral was


The girl says "Every year we get our chickens and take their eggs to the market to sell them. We were going down yesterday and my dad hit a pothole and all the eggs c...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

My daughter just cracked my new Iphone Xs screen, so I’m passing it back to a lucky commenter. Info below.

Girl, 7-year-old, can do basic math and alphabet, good at housework, overall a good child.

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Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

I cracked a chemistry joke in class

There was no reaction

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My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

Did y’all hear how they cracked the Cosby case?

The proof was in the pudding

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.



Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"

Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"

Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."

\*After seeing the screenshot\*

Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"

Blonde 1:...

I cracked a joke with my girlfriend

It was so good


The guy under our bed laughed

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

Did you hear about the bald guy who cracked his skull?

Doctor said he had a receding hairline fracture.

A man and his son were talking.

'Dad, what's your favourite superpower?' - Son

'Hindsight' - Man

'But dad, that's not even a power' - Son

'Yes, I see that now' - Man

Overheard this in a restaurant today and it cracked me up.

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It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

I cracked my wife’s toes before bed.

So she offered to crack mine.

Quid Pro Toe.

What did Zeus say to Athena when she cracked out of his head in full armor?

Girl, you are really getting on Minerva.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

Just cracked Forest Gump's password.

1forest1

My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today.

I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."

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