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Cracked Jokes

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

My mushroom just cracked a hilarious joke

I have a feeling he is a Fungi

I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem

Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do,...

My 2 year old son dropped my phone and cracked the screen.

So I sold it and bought a new one.



Not sure what to do about the phone though.

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Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

Just cracked Forest Gump's password.

1forest1

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

I cracked a chemistry joke in class

There was no reaction

My grandfather cracked this joke...

I had gone to visit my grandfather, a well-travelled man, and was telling him about my trip: the towering buildings, ornate architecture, and warm beaches of the cities I'd visited en route to his home town. I told him how all the walking had made me develop a blister on the bottom of my foot, and t...

Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.



Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"

Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"

Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."

\*After seeing the screenshot\*

Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"

Blonde 1:...

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

My daughter just cracked my new Iphone Xs screen, so I’m passing it back to a lucky commenter. Info below.

Girl, 7-year-old, can do basic math and alphabet, good at housework, overall a good child.

I cracked a joke with my girlfriend

It was so good


The guy under our bed laughed

My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today.

I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."

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This Cracked Me Up.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: ...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Did y’all hear how they cracked the Cosby case?

The proof was in the pudding

I cracked my wife’s toes before bed.

So she offered to crack mine.

Quid Pro Toe.

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A friend just cracked this joke..

Whats the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with N and ends with R?

Neighbor

Cracked a joke about the Titanic.

Went down well.

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My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

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This [long] joke always cracked me up..

My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal.

Well, ...

Did you hear about the bald guy who cracked his skull?

Doctor said he had a receding hairline fracture.

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

Jimmy cracked jokes and I don't...

find them funny. They're too corny.

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Being a dildo is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sure you'd see a lot of pussy action. But sometimes you'd get the shitty gigs too.

Yo mama so fat

When she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up

I cracked open two eggs for breakfast this morning. One had two yolks, the other had a little chunk of steak.

The double-yolker was great! The meaty-yolker was just okay.

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield.

It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.

What did Zeus say to Athena when she cracked out of his head in full armor?

Girl, you are really getting on Minerva.

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

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