UPJOKE
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What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]

She Peter Pans

What did the pirate yell when he found out the joke was not original?

ARRRRRRHH/Jokes

Original dad joke

I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think it’s the worst so it might work:

A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, “This is bananas!”

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

Original joke!

What do buildings and makeup have in common?

They both have some sort of foundation!

a joke thats originally in arabic, but I think translates well.

3 men are smoking weed when the cops show up. Panicked, one hides undrneath a car, the other climbs up a telephone pole, and the last hides under a donkey.

The cops find the first guy and ask him if he was smoking weed, and he replies "im just a mechanic, and havent smoked a day in my life" s...

Originally delivered by Miss Piggy, I present the SHORTEST JOKE EVER:

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ? "*

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there wa...

What was the original name for a trampoline?

It was called a jumpoline until your mom used it.

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

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My daughter came up with this original joke.

Why did the candy man try to be a klutz?

So he could have more Butterfingers!

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.

All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep "Say, where is everyone?"

"They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid," says the barkeep.

" 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man," says the newcomer. "What d...

I pretty sure I just came up with this an original joke ...

A man venting to a couple who he is friends with at their local hangout about his wife, "She called me a misogynistic pig."
The couple who is listening, both look at each other before the female asks, "and how do you feel about what she said?"
He thinks about for a moment and says, "Ehh, she ...

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

I wrote this joke just for this sub, because people wrongly complain there are never any original jokes here: What's a ferrous particle's favorite constellation?

*Ore-ion*

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

a man walks into a bar....

a man walks into a bar, puts an iguana and a frog on the bar and orders a pint.

the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"

the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing"

the barman says "ok, y...

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When Italy became a Catholic country, the Pope decreed that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave

When they refused, the pope offered them a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked their wisest rabbi to represent them in the deba...

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

An original Joke!!

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant. The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have to listen to everything I say!! "
Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you unders...

We just found an original Stradivarius and a previously undiscovered Rembrandt in my grandad's attic!

Unfortunately it turns out that Rembrandt made useless fiddles and Stradivarius couldn't paint worth a cuss.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

Was going to post an original joke my parents made 27 years ago

But r/jokes won't let me post my selfies

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"... and flew out the window

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

A man said to a preacher, that it was an excellent sermon but it was not original.

The preacher was taken aback.

The man said he had a book at home, containing every word the preacher said.

The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth walk into a restaurant...

They're waiting to be seated, when they spot Sandra Bullock and George Clooney sitting at a table nearby.

Suddenly and without warning they run over to the pair's table and start screaming and shouting:

"No!"
"You cannot, and shall not!"
"We will not let you! Ever!"

Securi...

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

Strong bed (not original - translated)

Man to carpenter - make a very strong bed so it does not break as my son will sleep with my daughter in law on it after marriage
Carpenter - don't worry sir I will make such strong bed it will not break even if whole colony sleeps with your daughter in law

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1st (Original) Joke I’ve EVER Posted

What do you call a taco’s ex-girlfriend???

Nacho bitch!!!

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Impotence - An original joke

A joke I (nearly) got suspended for, for making up at work:

.
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An 18 year old named Timmy is worried that he might be impotent so he goes to see the doctor.


Timmy says to the Doctor: "Doctor, doctor I'm afraid I might be impotent, I watch porn but nothing happens."...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

The original joke was in French but I'll try my best

A French boy comes home from school quite frustrated and decides to speak to his father. "Dad," he said

"Yes son?" his dad replied.

"Today, one of my friends from Burundi called me an idiot. He said we colonised his country. What does that mean?"

"It means we invaded his country...

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

This might not be original, but it’s original to me, so sorry if someone else has told this….

Guy 1: How many long billed, tropical birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Guy 2: I don’t know, how many long billed, tropical birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Guy 1: Ehhh…. Two Can

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

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The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

[Original] Which country has the 2nd fastest growing capital?

Ireland, it's Dublin and Dublin every year. But which country has the fastest growing capital?





Libya, it's Tripoli every year.

McDonalds was originally going to sell hot dogs...

They just felt like nobody would buy the mcweenie

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Hopefully it is original. If it’s not, sorry!

3 guys are lost in a particular foreign Village and now the cold night arrived. So they tried to go around houses hoping someone will take them in for the night.

First house: Guy 1– We are lost and we need a place to stay the night. Can you take us in?

Owner(looks at the 3 of them)— ...

In my house my kids call me Sir

Get me a drink Sir Vent.




Might not be funny, but it's original..... And a true story.

Original I think from my 7 year old

I need to know if he really came up with this on his own, he promises he did.

What do you call famous skeletons?

Pop skullture!

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Professor of Logic: Norm Macdonald

Just the other week I had someone move next to me. Original neighbor died of cancer about a three month ago. So as the great neighbor I am I go to greet my new neighbor I say “Hey there uhh neighbor just dropping by to say hello, say what do you do for a living?”

He says “Nice to meet you. Im...

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

Original (I think)

I'm in Denali about being dyslexic

Why do necromancer's hate original cartoon shows?

Because they prefer the reanimated versions.

gonna mark this for reposting :) (jk it's original)

What is a redditor's most hated fencing move?

The repost.

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

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