UPJOKE
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An original joke from my 6 year old son

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

What do they call original gangstas in Minnesota?

Oh, jeez.

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

I finally came up with an original joke!

Does anyone know if there's a subreddit for it?

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]

She Peter Pans

the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"

mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"

kid:"then why do you add carrots?"

mom:"because it makes it tastier"

The Black Eyed Peas were originally just called The Peas

Until they collaborated with Chris Brown

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

but then I changed my mind

Original dad joke

I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think it’s the worst so it might work:

A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, “This is bananas!”

What’s the best part of a Netflix original?

The second half of this joke has been canceled by netflix

a joke thats originally in arabic, but I think translates well.

3 men are smoking weed when the cops show up. Panicked, one hides undrneath a car, the other climbs up a telephone pole, and the last hides under a donkey.

The cops find the first guy and ask him if he was smoking weed, and he replies "im just a mechanic, and havent smoked a day in my life" s...

An original Joke!!

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant. The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have to listen to everything I say!! "
Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you unders...

An original joke from my 7 year old daughter

Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?

Don’t worry about it, it’s tearable!


{I’m sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}

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My first original joke.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous??

It fro's up.

Original joke!

What do buildings and makeup have in common?

They both have some sort of foundation!

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

"Doc, I think I have a tapeworm"

The doctor looks at him and says

"Well, we're all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat"...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

An original...

Unless you've heard it before

What's the difference between a tick and a cross?

Well ones right... the other is wrong!

Is it possible to repost a joke before the original is posted?

That’s pre-posterous

Did you know that the original Easter took place on April 1st?

That Jesus sure knew how to pull off a prank!

A post on this sub is rarely original

We've all reddit before.

Which sequel is clearly better than the original?

World War 2.

The original red shirt story

There's this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow's nest, "Captain! Captain! There's two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?"

And the captain, he says, "Bring me my red shirt."<...

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2 original jokes

Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad!

1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon

2. A family of poothons were floating down a river.

The son poothon asks his mother "dad told me t...

The original name for Jedis was "Force Kin".

I wonder why they rolled it back?

Sean Connery was the original choice to play Sebastian in The Little Mermaid

He turned the role down because, he said, "as a child I was always told not to be shellfish."

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

A very very bad joke, but original: What do you call the shape of a mushroom?

an irregular mycosohedron

Did you know the original Gregorian calendar had different months?

January = Greg

February = Ian

March = Greg

April = Ian

May = Ian

June = Greg

July = Ian

August = Greg

September = Greg

October = Ian

November = Greg

December = Ian

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Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

What was the original name for a trampoline?

It was called a jumpoline until your mom used it.

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(Original) If your palm, your ear and your balls itch…

If your palm itches, it usually means you’ll come across some extra money, so you might be a rich fucker.

If your ear itches, it usually means someone’s been talking about you, and you might be a well known fucker.

If your balls itch, it usually means you should shower more often, and ...

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Impotence - An original joke

A joke I (nearly) got suspended for, for making up at work:

.
.


An 18 year old named Timmy is worried that he might be impotent so he goes to see the doctor.


Timmy says to the Doctor: "Doctor, doctor I'm afraid I might be impotent, I watch porn but nothing happens."...

Original (I think)

I'm in Denali about being dyslexic

This might not be original, but it’s original to me, so sorry if someone else has told this….

Guy 1: How many long billed, tropical birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Guy 2: I don’t know, how many long billed, tropical birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Guy 1: Ehhh…. Two Can

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This is my original…

I was at a swanky club with my girlfriend the other night. She had on a lovely little black dress and I was in suit and tie. We had a delicious meal and I wanted to close the evening with some Jack Daniels.

So I called the waiter over and order two on the rocks. As he approached with the dri...

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there wa...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

Not sure why r/Jokes doesn't have a flair called "Original Joke"

But now that I think about it, it's obvious.

(Original Joke?) What do you call a stick figure who is enthusiastic about working out?

A gymna-stick.

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My daughter came up with this original joke.

Why did the candy man try to be a klutz?

So he could have more Butterfingers!

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that’s where students have the most potential.

An original

Two buddies are watching the game. One looks at the score and starts thinking.

"Should they go for 2? They're down 9, does the one point mean anything?"

"What am I, a mathist?" His buddy replies.

"It's *mathematician*.".

"What am I, a linguimatician?"

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

\r\jokes has the funniest most original content

But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

Strong bed (not original - translated)

Man to carpenter - make a very strong bed so it does not break as my son will sleep with my daughter in law on it after marriage
Carpenter - don't worry sir I will make such strong bed it will not break even if whole colony sleeps with your daughter in law

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1st (Original) Joke I’ve EVER Posted

What do you call a taco’s ex-girlfriend???

Nacho bitch!!!

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

The Talking Cat (Original)

Two French brothers are out fishing when one hooks something on his line. After a lot of huffing and puffing by the two of them, they pull up a small wooden chest. They open it, and inside there is a small tabby cat with a note that says "This is a magical talking cat. Please take care of him."...

An Original Joke

X-Men Recruitment Interviews


Professor X: What's your superpower?

Me: Hindsight

Professor X: Isn't this joke stolen?

Me: Yes, I see that now

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

Original joke. Hey! I tried.

I got this friend, he and I can't agree on anything. It's a constant battle.
We go on a trip together every year and this year, after much debate, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas.
So, we're enjoying our first night in Vegas, we're both a little drunk and my buddy says, "Hey, let's get ...

A Bad Original Joke

One day, a farmer walked up to a fisherman, and said, "Oi, I found this 'ere red thing glimmerin' at the river over yonder. Issa worth much?"

The fisherman takes a look at what the farmer caught. After inspecting it for quite some time, he frowns and says, "I'm afraid it's worthless, sir....

Why do necromancer's hate original cartoon shows?

Because they prefer the reanimated versions.

[Original] Which country has the 2nd fastest growing capital?

Ireland, it's Dublin and Dublin every year. But which country has the fastest growing capital?





Libya, it's Tripoli every year.

A original joke.

Did you know that cardi B has a famous cousin who’s well known in the health department?

Her name is cardi O

Hopefully it is original. If it’s not, sorry!

3 guys are lost in a particular foreign Village and now the cold night arrived. So they tried to go around houses hoping someone will take them in for the night.

First house: Guy 1– We are lost and we need a place to stay the night. Can you take us in?

Owner(looks at the 3 of them)— ...

[Nerd Joke Warning] What Tea makes you original?

Novel-tea

Not an original joke

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm s...

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3-year-old’s first original joke

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Interrupting cow”

“Interrupting cow who?”

“...chicken butt!”

She’s quite proud of herself

Original I think from my 7 year old

I need to know if he really came up with this on his own, he promises he did.

What do you call famous skeletons?

Pop skullture!

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

Originally delivered by Miss Piggy, I present the SHORTEST JOKE EVER:

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ? "*

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A semi-long joke. (Trying to be original.)

A horse walks into a Zaxby's, looking to quench its thirst, and trots up to the counter.

"I'd like a large diet coke please." Requests the horse politely.

The cashier looks bewildered but doesn't respond.

Thinking he wasn't heard, or perhaps the cashier was distracted, the horse...

The Original Sin

When God found out that Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit, he decided that she deserved to be punished. Her sin was so terrible that also every other woman would have to pay for Eve’s treason. God sentenced them all to pay with their blood... but through convenient monthly installments.

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

Talking Chicken (my original twist)

A guy goes into a bar with a chicken. The bartender of course says, “What’s up with the chicken? We don’t allow chickens in here.“

The guy says “it’s okay, Freddie’s a talking chicken!“

The bartender says “yeah sure pal. If that chicken can talk, I’ll give you all the free beer you wan...

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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

I pretty sure I just came up with this an original joke ...

A man venting to a couple who he is friends with at their local hangout about his wife, "She called me a misogynistic pig."
The couple who is listening, both look at each other before the female asks, "and how do you feel about what she said?"
He thinks about for a moment and says, "Ehh, she ...

My new and 100% original (and truly terrible) COVID pirate joke...

How did the pirates manage to avoid the pandemic?

They cove-hid.

An original (I think)

Why couldn’t the vulture get on the plane?

He had too much carrion.

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What kind of pet shop is this? (NSFW, original)

Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pe...

The original joke was in French but I'll try my best

A French boy comes home from school quite frustrated and decides to speak to his father. "Dad," he said

"Yes son?" his dad replied.

"Today, one of my friends from Burundi called me an idiot. He said we colonised his country. What does that mean?"

"It means we invaded his country...

Nothing Original

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.

We call her Tracey.

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Japan not host the original Olympics?

Cos they always blur out the best parts.

Was going to post an original joke my parents made 27 years ago

But r/jokes won't let me post my selfies

gonna mark this for reposting :) (jk it's original)

What is a redditor's most hated fencing move?

The repost.

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

McDonalds was originally going to sell hot dogs...

They just felt like nobody would buy the mcweenie

The Trump Wall 2020 (original)

Since the USA is suffering from the COVID19 pandemic, the largest unemployment since the Great Depression and the country wide protesting, rioting and looting, The Mexican President calls Trump.
He says: OK, you win, the wall gets built, by us and we will pay for it! Just stay on your side.

Moving On (Original joke)

It's been tough with my wife gone. It took me a while but I decided it was time to give her a proper burial, and move on. She put up on hell of a fight but eventually I got her in the coffin.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

My first original joke. Feel free to critique

Prince William, Catherine, and their children were all enjoying dinner one evening. The food did not sit well, and everyone but Catherine was experiencing gas later that night.

“I’m surrounded by a bunch of tooters!” exclaimed Catherine.

William said, “Dear, we’re not Tudors - we’re WI...

It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States

After all, nobody expects the American composition

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