I'm freshly amputated but can't remember the word for my condition

I'm stumped

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

I wrote a fantasy story about my glass of freshly squeezed orange juice

I titled it pulp fiction

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A woman was stuck in a ditch and called a tow truck for help.

The truck arrives and the driver sticks his head out the window and says “Ma’am you are the third freshly fucked lady I’ve pulled out of a ditch today.“

“I am CERTAINLY not “freshly fucked!““ the woman replies indignantly.

Driver “Maybe not, but you ain’t out of the ditch yet either!“

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

Wisdom of ages

Johnny is cutting his nails when his grandpa stops by, and comments that he should not be cutting nails on a Thursday. Knowing that grandpa is the superstitious kind, Johnny ignores him and carries on.

A few weeks later grandpa visits again, and guess what - it is Thursday, and he catches Jo...

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

A waiter approaches a table of freshly-bobbed Karens.

"Good evening, ladies. Is *anything* alright?"

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So my mate rubs his hands over my freshly shaved head and laughs "Feels just like my wife's arse!"

I rubbed my hands over my head and blinked in surprise. "You're right, it absolutely does."

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”

What do you name a freshly disinterred corpse?

Doug.

And what do you call him when you put him back?

Barry.

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger?

One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one.

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

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When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

Holmes, someone has put miracle grow on this freshly dug grave.

The plot thickens, my dear Watson.

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

What do you call a freshly repaved road?

Retarred

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The priest wants to check how the freshly married couple is doing

Approaching their door, he not only finds it unlocked, but slightly ajar, too.

Worrying for their wellbeing , he says his prayers and enters.

As he walks into the living room he finds the husband, lying on the hearthrug, naked, his back facing the clergyman.

'Are you back my ang...

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January 1974, morning: Nixon looks out onto the South Lawn of the White House. In the freshly fallen snow, someone has written in piss: "Fuck Nixon".

Nixon calls in William Colby from the CIA to investigate. After a couple of days, Colby calls Nixon with the results of the CIA's investigation. "Dick, I have bad news and worse news."

"Oh, Jesus, Bill, what do you mean?"

"Well, we took urine samples of everyone who has access to the ...

3 dinosaurs find a magic lamp in a river

A genie pops out and says “I will grant each one of you one wish!” The first dinosaur thinks and says “I wish for a huge piece of meat!”. The genie smiles and a big, juicy steak appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur says “I wish for a shower of meats!!” The genie snaps his ...

What do you call freshly made cheese?

Goudas-new

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