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(A little long) There was a man who had just been booked into prison for the first time and was visibly nervous

A veteran inmate who has been there a while saw the newbie and went over and said “Hey, I can tell you’re new here and you’re nervous but prison is alright.”


The newbie responded “yeah?”


“Of course,” responded the vet. “Like for example do you like golfing?”


The new...

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What do you call a newbie in porn?

A newcummer

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Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

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A proctologist decided to take the day off and play Call of Duty, there were lots of newbies in the server.

He rectum

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

I was playing an online game when I saw 4 players teaming against a newbie so I came to help

He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us

A terrorist is training a group of newbies

"Alright class, listen closely as I can only show you how to do this ONCE"

The Vietnam newbie was told they didn't have any more M-16's...

and he should just point his finger and yell "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
He's out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.
"BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

A user is new to Reddit.

His friend—who is a longtime user—agrees to show him around the site. They go to r/jokes, and the user simply posts “7.”

Immediately, people begin upvoting and commenting their approval. The new user is puzzled.

The Reddit veteran then posts “13,” much to the pleasure of the sub. The p...

Jailhouse humor

A new inmate showed up at the state prison to start serving his fifty year sentence. After getting through the preliminaries with his cellmate, he settles in. After a bit, he hears a shout outside the cell, "Number twelve!", and everybody on the block laughed uproariously. A few minutes later, some ...

2 guys go moose hunting for the 1st time

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.


CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call, when the male moose shows up just...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

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In a certain country, there was a strict curfew that was brought about by the new ruling at the time.

Everyone needed to be home by 6 PM, and anyone breaking this rule would be arrested, or worse, shot on sight.

Marcelino and Santiago were two officers that made sure everyone followed this rule. Marcelino was a newbie, and Santiago's been in the force for years.

As they go about their ...

A man is sentenced to life in prison. His first day on the cell block....

...he is sitting in his cell, when he hears another prisoner shout from down the hall: "27!".


The entire cell block bursts into laughter. A few moments later, another prisoner shouts "55!".


Again, everyone on the cell blocks laughs. This goes on for a while and finally the ne...

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at th...

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No kidding

After graduating from the Naval Academy, my first ship I was assigned to was a battleship. The captain briefed us on our duties and then we disembarked. It was a very uneventful mission. We went. We did what we needed to do. We came back. When we got back, the captain had all of the newbies tie down...

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One-upmanship

The scene is an era when cockpits had round dials and pilots needed flight engineers and navigators.

A crusty old captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is fo...

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

Toll Joke my buddy made up.

A young new toll operator is having his first day on the job with a skilled veteran of the booth. As they work in their conjoined shift, the veteran points out a gold Mercedes pulling up in the toll line. The Veteran nudges the kid and says " Dat guy dere ain't gone pay his full toll. " the young ne...

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