Just been reading a horror novel in braille

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it

What is a Finnish person's favorite novel?

East of Sweden

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said "Try Sarah Topps!"

A man found out the Bee Gees, were writing a fictional novel.

"Do you guys need any help?" he asked.

"We know how to do it!" they responded.

"Not even with the character development?"

"We know how to show it!"

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.

After 3 years I finally finished my first novel.

I enjoyed it so much I might read another one.

Congratulations to the #1 best selling fiction novel!

Barely in front of the Bible, the Holy Quran makes it to the top this year!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

I wanna write a mystery novel

Or do i?

I have actually written one

Or have i?

I am sorry i wont do this again

Or wil i?

Iโ€™ve read my first Stephen King novel

IT was a Maine event

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

TIL that the novel "A Tale of two cities " by Charles Dickens was first serialised in two black country papers....

The Bister Times and the Worcester Times

In the novel Dracula, the namesake has three wives and hairy palms

Apparently undead bigamists have the same marriage issues as the rest of us.

Brexit was similar to choosing your favorite Jane Austen novel.

Pride and Prejudice defeated Sense and Sensibility.

What do you call a 3-part novel about Michael Jackson?

A Thriller-gy

I took a novel around Romania with me but it got tired.

So I gave the Bucharest

What did John do when the dog ate his crime novel?

He stole the words right out of its mouth

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Have you read the new Oedipus and Midas crossover novel?

The reviews are saying it's pure motherfucking gold.

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

Why can't you own just one Stephen King novel?

Because 'Misery' loves company.

What is a Mexican's favorite novel?

Tequila Mockingbird

I'm reading a crime novel about a dwarf psychic on the run from the police

It's called: Small Medium at Large

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

I'm writing an erotic novel featuring tea and pastries.

I'm calling it "Romancing the Scone."

What is the most popular novel in Mexico?

Tequila mocking bird

I want to write a mystery novel.

Or Do I ?

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare.

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence:

Wuthering Flights.


(I do apologise for this)

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

What's a Mexican's favourite novel?

Tequila Mockingbird.


(I'm sure this joke has been made before, but I thought it up this morning.)

What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel?

Tequil-a Mockinbird

I was going to write a novel about an overcrowded cemetery.

But there was no plot

I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

Every novel is a mystery novel...

...if you never finish reading it.

When people ask me what my favorite Stephen King novel is...

I've said it before and I'll say it again

I read a suspense novel about suicide.

The ending really left me hanging.

How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^โ™ป

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

A heroine addict.

I wanted to reserve a copy of a new novel coming out

But they were all booked

Did you hear The Fonz wrote an erotic novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a novel?

Because he always gets stuck in Chapter 11.

My wife: Why donโ€™t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?

Me: Thatโ€™s .....a novel idea.

Did you read the novel about the US drug epidemic?

The heroin gets abused.

A man goes to the movies. . .

but when he sits down he notices that the person in the seat next to him looks like a penguin. with a bucket of popcorn on it's 'lap'.

Well, he can't believe his eyes since the cinema is dim and all that.

'It must be a kid in a costume' he thinks to himself.

But as he looks clos...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks; "Why the long face?"

A few local barflies laughed into their glasses, hunched over like a waning reed in the wind, rosy cheeked and bleary eyed.

The horse walked up the bar and awkwardly sat down on a stool which creaked loudly under their weight.

"I'll tell you why" the horse said in a perfect English acc...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I want to write a sexually charged novel with an FBI twist.

*Fifty Raids A Day*

What do you call Kim Jong-un reading a Stephen King novel?

Fearless Reader

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What genre consists of erotic novels?

Cliterature

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

What's the difference between a Twitter post and a Russian Novel?

A Twitter post is limited to 140 characters

I'm writing a swiss novel

But there's a lot of plot holes.

High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

What do you get when you cross a talented basketball player, and an untrustworthy royal vizier?

Kareem Abdul-Jafar; although these days I hear he's a magical genie who dabbles in writing Sherlock Holmes novels.

I tried to publish my collection of short stories.

But the publisher said it wasn't exactly a novel idea.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My friend who was sick of my jokes says

"How about you stop sitting on your ass all day coming up with terrible puns, and start writing a book or something!"

Me: "Now that.... is a novel idea!!!!"

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

Running to the Bathroom

A novel by Willie Makit.

Illustrated by Betty Wont.

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight.

One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man goes on a date with a patent examiner.

Things are going well, so they go back to his place, and end up having sex.

Afterwards, the man asks his date, "So, do you want to do this again tomorrow?"

His date replies: "I will report that your technique, while novel, is obvious to one skilled in the art. Also I found some of you...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A priest said that masturbation is the devils typewriter

Guess im writing a novel tonight

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I tried reading Einstein's original paper on special relativity.

Night after night for 6 months I tried to understand it. I tried everything. I looked through previous publications to understand the knowledge at the time. I tried to work through some problems and I thought about the theories in novel ways to try to get an intuitive grasp or even any at all. It pr...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

A retired astronaut and dabbling writer gets a call from NASA

NASA asks the astronaut to help with the international space station, as he is the only one who knows how to fix the system that needs repairs. The man, a fan of old fashioned writing, requires NASA to let him bring his typewriter on the mission as his one condition to come out of retirement.
...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

Edit: I'm so sorry. I had to exorcise this shitty joke out of my head before it drove me insane.

A novellist walks into a publisher's

A man walks into a publisher's with the first novel he's ever written, knowing the publisher is keen. "Right!", he says to the publisher comfortably. "I want three things; I want to make lots of money, I want it translated into 15 languages, and I want it to be republished for the rest of time!"
...

Being killed by a paper-cut would be...

Quite a novel way to die.

A chicken goes into the library.

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book."

The librarian says, "You want a book?"
"Book"
"Any book?"
"Book"

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book."

The lib...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are on a plane that is about to crash...

And the pilot comes over the intercom saying if they want any chance of living they better chuck as much excess weight off the plane to help with the emergency landing.

The English man picks up his prize collection of rare novels and with a heavy heart chucks it out the plane.

The Sco...

A fireman decides he needs to spice up his marriage...

...so he tells his wife that he has an idea. He tells her that when he gets home he will announce a 'one alarm.' He will say 'one alarm, one alarm' and they will kiss passionately. Then the firefighter tells her that he will say 'two alarm, two alarm' and they wil take off all of their clothes on th...

I was going to write a book about my knowledge of tea..

But i decided against it since it would only be a Novel Tea.

My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids.

I thought "what a novel idea".

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Charles Dickens had writer's blockโ€ฆ

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"

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