How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

I'm reading a horror novel in Braille

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

I was driving down the highway today and saw a woman in the lane next to me reading a novel while driving

I was so angry that I stopped texting and flipped her off

Why did people not like the new Undertale graphic novel?

It was Comic Sans.

I realized that I get aroused when I read the last chapter of a novel.

I just came to the conclusion.

What is a Finnish person's favorite novel?

East of Sweden

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said "Try Sarah Topps!"

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

A man found out the Bee Gees, were writing a fictional novel.

"Do you guys need any help?" he asked.

"We know how to do it!" they responded.

"Not even with the character development?"

"We know how to show it!"

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

After 3 years I finally finished my first novel.

I enjoyed it so much I might read another one.

Congratulations to the #1 best selling fiction novel!

Barely in front of the Bible, the Holy Quran makes it to the top this year!

Stephen kings writing style is...

Novel.

I wanna write a mystery novel

Or do i?

I have actually written one

Or have i?

I am sorry i wont do this again

Or wil i?

Being genetically engineered, evaluated, selected, and trained from birth to be a super-soldier...

before being deployed to a fight a technologically inferior foe in a far-off country to secure economic gains for your overseers, then being either left to die or executed for convenience, is either the plot of a dark and kickass dystopian fiction novel, or a technically accurate description of the ...

I’ve read my first Stephen King novel

IT was a Maine event

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

TIL that the novel "A Tale of two cities " by Charles Dickens was first serialised in two black country papers....

The Bister Times and the Worcester Times

What would you title a novel about a rebellious Asian teenager?

The Catcher in the Rice

In the novel Dracula, the namesake has three wives and hairy palms

Apparently undead bigamists have the same marriage issues as the rest of us.

Brexit was similar to choosing your favorite Jane Austen novel.

Pride and Prejudice defeated Sense and Sensibility.

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

I took a novel around Romania with me but it got tired.

So I gave the Bucharest

What do you call a 3-part novel about Michael Jackson?

A Thriller-gy

What did John do when the dog ate his crime novel?

He stole the words right out of its mouth

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Have you read the new Oedipus and Midas crossover novel?

The reviews are saying it's pure motherfucking gold.

What is a Mexican's favorite novel?

Tequila Mockingbird

Why can't you own just one Stephen King novel?

Because 'Misery' loves company.

I'm reading a crime novel about a dwarf psychic on the run from the police

It's called: Small Medium at Large

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare.

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence:

Wuthering Flights.


(I do apologise for this)

A man goes to the movies. . .

but when he sits down he notices that the person in the seat next to him looks like a penguin. with a bucket of popcorn on it's 'lap'.

Well, he can't believe his eyes since the cinema is dim and all that.

'It must be a kid in a costume' he thinks to himself.

But as he looks clos...

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

What is the most popular novel in Mexico?

Tequila mocking bird

I want to write a mystery novel.

Or Do I ?

I'm writing an erotic novel featuring tea and pastries.

I'm calling it "Romancing the Scone."

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

What's a Mexican's favourite novel?

Tequila Mockingbird.


(I'm sure this joke has been made before, but I thought it up this morning.)

What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel?

Tequil-a Mockinbird

I read a suspense novel about suicide.

The ending really left me hanging.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

I was going to write a novel about an overcrowded cemetery.

But there was no plot

I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

When people ask me what my favorite Stephen King novel is...

I've said it before and I'll say it again

How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^β™»

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

A heroine addict.

When I was young, there were double novels...

books that had one story right side up on one side, one story upside down on the other side.

So I'm at a flea market and I find one of those old gems. I have to have it. I start reading and I'm loving it. Brought me back to my youth...until I realized someone tore out the middle page. Now I ...

I wanted to reserve a copy of a new novel coming out

But they were all booked

Did you hear The Fonz wrote an erotic novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I've read all of Charles Dickens's novels except one.

I don't have *Great Expectations*.

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a novel?

Because he always gets stuck in Chapter 11.

I tried to publish my collection of short stories.

But the publisher said it wasn't exactly a novel idea.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My friend who was sick of my jokes says

"How about you stop sitting on your ass all day coming up with terrible puns, and start writing a book or something!"

Me: "Now that.... is a novel idea!!!!"

I'm writing a swiss novel

But there's a lot of plot holes.

What do you call Kim Jong-un reading a Stephen King novel?

Fearless Reader

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I want to write a sexually charged novel with an FBI twist.

*Fifty Raids A Day*

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What genre consists of erotic novels?

Cliterature

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man goes on a date with a patent examiner.

Things are going well, so they go back to his place, and end up having sex.

Afterwards, the man asks his date, "So, do you want to do this again tomorrow?"

His date replies: "I will report that your technique, while novel, is obvious to one skilled in the art. Also I found some of you...

Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight.

One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A priest said that masturbation is the devils typewriter

Guess im writing a novel tonight

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

A chicken goes into the library.

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book."

The librarian says, "You want a book?"
"Book"
"Any book?"
"Book"

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book."

The lib...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I tried reading Einstein's original paper on special relativity.

Night after night for 6 months I tried to understand it. I tried everything. I looked through previous publications to understand the knowledge at the time. I tried to work through some problems and I thought about the theories in novel ways to try to get an intuitive grasp or even any at all. It pr...

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

Edit: I'm so sorry. I had to exorcise this shitty joke out of my head before it drove me insane.

A retired astronaut and dabbling writer gets a call from NASA

NASA asks the astronaut to help with the international space station, as he is the only one who knows how to fix the system that needs repairs. The man, a fan of old fashioned writing, requires NASA to let him bring his typewriter on the mission as his one condition to come out of retirement.
...

What do you call a book about a shirt?

Novel-tee

Being killed by a paper-cut would be...

Quite a novel way to die.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are on a plane that is about to crash...

And the pilot comes over the intercom saying if they want any chance of living they better chuck as much excess weight off the plane to help with the emergency landing.

The English man picks up his prize collection of rare novels and with a heavy heart chucks it out the plane.

The Sco...

I was going to write a book about my knowledge of tea..

But i decided against it since it would only be a Novel Tea.

A fireman decides he needs to spice up his marriage...

...so he tells his wife that he has an idea. He tells her that when he gets home he will announce a 'one alarm.' He will say 'one alarm, one alarm' and they will kiss passionately. Then the firefighter tells her that he will say 'two alarm, two alarm' and they wil take off all of their clothes on th...

My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids.

I thought "what a novel idea".

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