New Years Jokes

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

A women took a nap on New Years Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped pres... read more

I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.

So far I've only gotten as far as Drink More.

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

Sorry, that came out wrong.



I gave up.

Drinking for the new year.

Because then I will know it will be a goodyear.

"So,what's your New Years resolution?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the guy replies. "My wife hasn't told me yet."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

…he’s still coughing up feathers.

They got no rockets left.

Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.

Two and a fifth

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

My top goal this year. Stay negative everyday.

If I don't, 5-10 day isolation for being positive.

It's kinda harsh but it will be very contagious and catchy.

You might say, It'll go viral.

**... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.**

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

Not sure if the explosion's out side the window are fireworks or nukes going off

I’ve already failed

after being in a coma for a while. I asked a guy there what year it was gonna be.

He replied with "2021"

Weird guy, don't understand why he counted upwards.

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe... read more

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was alm... read more

I’d say it’s overrated - every year they drop the ball

Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to New Years dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying... read more

For my New Years Resolution, I would like to be more assertive.. only if it's okay with you guys?

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

*11:59 on December 31st*
Every dad in the world:”See you next year!!”

I have been reading so many bad things lately about how all the bad things sugar and junk food could do to me, so my New Years resoultion is no more reading 😊

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

Something that goes in one year and out the other.