Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, “Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]?” “Yes,” the other guy responds, “how did you know?!!!” “Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!”

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptatio...

Why did the mathematician lie adjacent to the hippopotamus?

Cos

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A man vacationing in Jamaica goes to the bathroom, and notices a local at an adjacent urinal ... [nsfw]

Catching a glimpse as he walks up, he sees the name "Wendy" tattooed on the man's penis. A bit shocked he remarked, "Hey, Wendy is my girlfriend's name too! But, I don't think I'd love her enough to tattoo her name on my penis. Didn't it hurt?"

"Nah, man," the Jamaican smirked.

A bit t...

My brother and I own adjacent farms

The other day he rode over to complain that I was growing marijuana on his side of the fence.

I told him to get off his high horse.

Why were the Adjacent and Hypotenuse unable to accept a package without each other?

Because they could only.... cosine

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in adjacent rooms of a hotel.

The engineer decides to smoke before he goes to bed, carelessly throws the cigarette into the trashcan, and then goes to sleep. He wakes up about an hour later to see that the trashcan is on fire! So he rises hurriedly, takes some water from the sink, throws it on the fire, and puts it out. Relieved...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan. 

Years go by ...

The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at c...

Shafts and tattoos

Todd wants to get a tattoo of his girlfriend's name and decides to put it along his shaft. Now when he's erect it says "WENDY" and when he's flaccid it says "WY".

A few weeks later Todd and his girlfriend are taking a trip to Jamaica. As they're getting off the plane Todd has an urge to pee....

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

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The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Coming up on a par 3, Moses has Honours, but puts his shot in the lake. He raises his club over his head, and the lake splits, revealing his ball on the sandy bottom. Moses walks between the halves of the lake and chips his second shot up onto the green where it rolls into the hole for a Birdie. Je...

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

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I run an Antiques shop with my wife

One day, as I'm in the middle of haggling with an elderly customer over a cracked 18th century vase, my wife runs in, flustered, and exclaims: "Quick! Come outside and see what these bastards are doing!".

Confused, I apologise to the patron and follow her outside to see a group of workmen in...

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

Three Squaws Were Each Preparing For The Birth Of Their First Child.

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The
first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed
an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three form...

The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offsprin...

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A man walks into a bar and starts talking to the guys there.

He and the guys have a great conversation, and they are all very interested in what everyone has to say. Eventually one of the guys asks, "Do any of you guys have any cool tricks to show us?"

The man who just walked in says, "Actually, yes I do have a trick!" He pulls a very small man out of ...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

A high school English teacher is doing a lesson on how words modify to make new meanings.

The teacher explained: “The word “slap” can be used as an action, a game, and a joke. You see, “slap to the face” is an action, “slap jack” is a card game, and a “knee slapper” is a joke.
But as you see, words need adjacent words to take on a new meaning. There is no word that can be an acti...

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A CIA superspy assasin retires...

... So the agency posts an ad on Craigslist to fill the position. After a while, the field is narrowed down to just three well qualified applicants. They're flown to Langley to interview.

The first candidate is Major Ron L Lubbold: Army Ranger, a 15 year veteran of 6 combat deployments and ov...

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Little Timmy hears noises from his parents bedroom and goes to see what is up.

He sees his mom ball gagged and hog tied, and dad whipping her ass. He is taken aback. His dad says 'Sonny it's okay, just relax'. After the sex session is over mom says to her husband 'Honey why don't you just check up on Lil Timmy'. He goes to Timmy's room but he's not here. From the adjacent room...

A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on an...

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

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I heard this one from Grandma after a bottle of wine or three.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have ...

Engineers and Lawyers

Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket.

One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"

"Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers.

The t...

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...

The train

3 engineers and 3 lawyers are taking the same train from their hometown to Memphis one day. The lawyers notice that the engineers bought only one ticket, and confused, one of them asked,"Why did you buy only one ticket for three of you?" The engineers smiled and told him to wait and see.

So t...

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An Irishman meets a black man in a pub.

An Irishman is having a few drinks in his local pub. He notices that there's a black man at the end of the bar. Intrigued by the fact that he's there (he hadn't seen many black people before today), he decides to go talk to him. They have a friendly conversation, then they both head into the bathroo...

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I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from w...

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I'm Afraid of Graveyards

It was a chilly February evening. I had just arrived home from a long day at work and threw open the door on my house. My Rottweiler jumped on me, and before I even took off my coat we were going on a walk. We passed the graveyard. A fresh grave had been dug immediately adjacent to the entrance, and...

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Timmy's 10th birthday.

It was Timmy's 10th birthday. As it happens, his parents never really cared a lot about Timmy and Timmy, knowing this, wasn't expecting much of his special day. He got up in the morning, much against his will, to find his parents in their daily routine. "Hi kiddo" was as much as his dad ever bothere...

Tally-whacker

Bill Clinton after playing a round of golf with Supporters, notices
Donald trump standing in an adjacent urinal.

Suddenly Bill looks down and notices that Donald was quite well endowed.

"Damn, Donald," Bill said, "How did that thing ever get so big?"

"It's like this, Eve...

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A wish for a larger phallus

A man walks into a public bathroom and approaches one of the urinals. As he's unzipping a dwarf walks up to the adjacent urinal and does the same. The man hears a mighty stream coming from the dwarf and slyly takes a peak to see what the little man is packing.

To his surprise the dwarf's ...

Bob and Jim are on the 18th hole...

And as Bob is about to pitch for the green they notice a funeral procession heading down the road adjacent to the course. Bob stops mid swing, drops his club, removes his hat, bows his head and stands for a moment of silence. "That's very respectful of you, Bob." says Jim. Bob puts his hat back on, ...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

Any good chemistry jokes?

A ketone and a primary amine walk into a bar and yell "Let's get Schiff based!"

Why couldn't the hemiacetal maintain a healthy relationship with his family?
He wasn't very stable and was never seen without alcohol.

An organic chemist wanted to reduce a ketone, but not the ...

A mathematician goes to a confession booth...

He says to the priest: 'Father, I have a sin to confess'

The priest says: 'Don't worry, tell me and the lord will see if he can forgive you'

The mathematician says: 'I used the opposite side instead of the adjacent to calculate cos.'

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG)

This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher forc...

A tray of muffins is in the oven.

One muffin says "Woo; it's hot in here." An adjacent muffin exclaims, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"

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Man in a brothel. . . .

So there is this guy, who is rather horny but not in a relationship and in a rough place in his life. He goes to a brothel with about 10 bucks... He asks the woman at the counter, I know this isn't much but what can this get me? See replies follow me. She leads him down a hallway with 2 adjacent doo...