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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, “Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]?” “Yes,” the other guy responds, “how did you know?!!!” “Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!”

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptatio...

Why were the Adjacent and Hypotenuse unable to accept a package without each other?

Because they could only.... cosine

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in adjacent rooms of a hotel.

The engineer decides to smoke before he goes to bed, carelessly throws the cigarette into the trashcan, and then goes to sleep. He wakes up about an hour later to see that the trashcan is on fire! So he rises hurriedly, takes some water from the sink, throws it on the fire, and puts it out. Relieved...

Why did the mathematician lie adjacent to the hippopotamus?

Cos

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A man vacationing in Jamaica goes to the bathroom, and notices a local at an adjacent urinal ... [nsfw]

Catching a glimpse as he walks up, he sees the name "Wendy" tattooed on the man's penis. A bit shocked he remarked, "Hey, Wendy is my girlfriend's name too! But, I don't think I'd love her enough to tattoo her name on my penis. Didn't it hurt?"

"Nah, man," the Jamaican smirked.

A bit t...

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

My brother and I own adjacent farms

The other day he rode over to complain that I was growing marijuana on his side of the fence.

I told him to get off his high horse.

Shafts and tattoos

Todd wants to get a tattoo of his girlfriend's name and decides to put it along his shaft. Now when he's erect it says "WENDY" and when he's flaccid it says "WY".

A few weeks later Todd and his girlfriend are taking a trip to Jamaica. As they're getting off the plane Todd has an urge to pee....

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The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.



The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple w...

A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan. 

Years go by ...

The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at c...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Coming up on a par 3, Moses has Honours, but puts his shot in the lake. He raises his club over his head, and the lake splits, revealing his ball on the sandy bottom. Moses walks between the halves of the lake and chips his second shot up onto the green where it rolls into the hole for a Birdie. Je...

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

Three Squaws Were Each Preparing For The Birth Of Their First Child.

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The
first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed
an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three form...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

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A man walks into a bar and starts talking to the guys there.

He and the guys have a great conversation, and they are all very interested in what everyone has to say. Eventually one of the guys asks, "Do any of you guys have any cool tricks to show us?"

The man who just walked in says, "Actually, yes I do have a trick!" He pulls a very small man out of ...

Engineers and Lawyers

Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket.

One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"

"Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers.

The t...

A high school English teacher is doing a lesson on how words modify to make new meanings.

The teacher explained: “The word “slap” can be used as an action, a game, and a joke. You see, “slap to the face” is an action, “slap jack” is a card game, and a “knee slapper” is a joke.
But as you see, words need adjacent words to take on a new meaning. There is no word that can be an acti...

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

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I heard this one from Grandma after a bottle of wine or three.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have ...

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...

A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on an...

The train

3 engineers and 3 lawyers are taking the same train from their hometown to Memphis one day. The lawyers notice that the engineers bought only one ticket, and confused, one of them asked,"Why did you buy only one ticket for three of you?" The engineers smiled and told him to wait and see.

So t...

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An Irishman meets a black man in a pub.

An Irishman is having a few drinks in his local pub. He notices that there's a black man at the end of the bar. Intrigued by the fact that he's there (he hadn't seen many black people before today), he decides to go talk to him. They have a friendly conversation, then they both head into the bathroo...

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I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from w...

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Timmy's 10th birthday.

It was Timmy's 10th birthday. As it happens, his parents never really cared a lot about Timmy and Timmy, knowing this, wasn't expecting much of his special day. He got up in the morning, much against his will, to find his parents in their daily routine. "Hi kiddo" was as much as his dad ever bothere...

Tally-whacker

Bill Clinton after playing a round of golf with Supporters, notices
Donald trump standing in an adjacent urinal.

Suddenly Bill looks down and notices that Donald was quite well endowed.

"Damn, Donald," Bill said, "How did that thing ever get so big?"

"It's like this, Eve...

If a tree falls in the forest...

...and Linkin Park was playing a concert adjacent to that tree, in the end, does it even matter?

Bob and Jim are on the 18th hole...

And as Bob is about to pitch for the green they notice a funeral procession heading down the road adjacent to the course. Bob stops mid swing, drops his club, removes his hat, bows his head and stands for a moment of silence. "That's very respectful of you, Bob." says Jim. Bob puts his hat back on, ...

Any good chemistry jokes?

A ketone and a primary amine walk into a bar and yell "Let's get Schiff based!"

Why couldn't the hemiacetal maintain a healthy relationship with his family?
He wasn't very stable and was never seen without alcohol.

An organic chemist wanted to reduce a ketone, but not the ...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

A mathematician goes to a confession booth...

He says to the priest: 'Father, I have a sin to confess'

The priest says: 'Don't worry, tell me and the lord will see if he can forgive you'

The mathematician says: 'I used the opposite side instead of the adjacent to calculate cos.'

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG)

This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher forc...

A tray of muffins is in the oven.

One muffin says "Woo; it's hot in here." An adjacent muffin exclaims, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"

Mind your own business...

Once I was walking down the road adjacent to a mental hospital. The hospital's compound had a tall fence separating it from the road. I could hear shouting coming from the other side, the patients were shouting, "13! 13! 13!" On and on and on.
I was intrigued. And then I saw a tiny hole in the f...

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Man in a brothel. . . .

So there is this guy, who is rather horny but not in a relationship and in a rough place in his life. He goes to a brothel with about 10 bucks... He asks the woman at the counter, I know this isn't much but what can this get me? See replies follow me. She leads him down a hallway with 2 adjacent doo...

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