Urban Jokes - 43 Hilarious Urban Jokes

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

As part of an urban planning experiment, a group of stoners are tasked with designing a small American city...

They decide that there should be both a Denny's and a good Denny's.

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Tired of urban living

After years of the rat race, I found that I finally had enough saved to get away, as long as I did it thoughtfully. I wanted to be away from people, from cars, buildings, you name it. I didn't care if I didn't talk to anyone any more. With e-commerce so prevalent now, anything I needed could be deli...

TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

Credit to someone on /u/jasonrei...

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

What do you call a Gnome who lives in urban environments?

A Metro Gnome

When I go from dictionary to urban dictionary.

*Discussion about Discord server raids...*

Friend: define raid

Me: hundreds of bot accounts spamming the server.

Friend: define area 51 raid

Me: millions of incels running out of breathe to their death.

If there is an Urban Dictionary...

...Shouldn't there be a Rural Dictionary

Credits to my friend Portia.

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

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Sports of Choice

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

The sport of choice for m...

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[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

What do you call an urban dwarf who's great at keeping time?

A metrognome

I met an urban dwarf who keeps perfect time.

He’s a metronome.

Tom Brady, Hilary Clinton, and Urban Meyer walk into a bar.

None of them can get an Uber home because they've all destroyed their cell phones.

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

What do you call an urban area in France with a low average income and high rates of criminality?

A baghuetto

I bought a winter jacket at Urban Outfitters last August

I got a really good deal because I bought it before it was cool.

A year ago, the Jacksonville Jaguars thought that they found the best coach for their team.

Turns out that was an Urban myth.

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

Did you hear the urban legend about the creepy ghost that appears when you use artificial sweetener?

He's called Splendaman.

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Police: Viagra on the Rise as Recreational Drug Amongst Urban Youth

The Boys in the Hood are always hard.

Mars rover

After an almost succesful retrieval of the Mars rover, upon re-entry, the rover overheated and exploded. Debrus landed in an urban environment. There was one casualty.

Curiosity killed the cat

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NSFW Two men & a women are sitting in a bar drinking Manhattans..

After awhile their conversation turns to their respective professions.

First guy says: "Well I'm a YUPPIE. You know: Young Urban Professional.

Second guy say: Yeah? I'm whats known as a DINK.
You know: Double Income, No Kids.

Then the woman says: Oh really you guys? Well I'l...

What does a high school dance have in common with the parking lot at a Keith Urban concert?

Lots of bad pickup lines.

Why did the road cross the road?

Because civil engineers & urban planners don't like roundabouts!

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Sex

Sex is like math:

You add the bed

Subtract the clothes

Divide the legs

And pray to god you don’t multiply

(From urban dictionary)

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

What do you call a hipster who turns into a skeleton?

Urban Decay!

I did not originally think of this, I heard it from a friend

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Scientists had heard rumours of a new species of butterfly in London...

But it turned out to be an Urban Moth

Since he is a country singer...

Shouldn't Keith Urban's last name be Rural?

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis

Subject: Women

Symbol: Wo

Discovered by: Adam

Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.

Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

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A man walks into a bar on top of a high rise

And sees another patron in a deep conversation with the bartender. As the man walks up and orders a beer, he can't help but hear the patron extolling the wonders of urban air currents to the visibly bored bartender.

"Yeah Murray, it's incredible. The speeds these updrafts can reach would blow...

An elderly lady would always bring flowers she picked from her garden to a local hospital to cheer up the pediatric patients.

One day a worker was installing a new sign in the lobby when a metal bar from his scaffolding fell. He was harnessed in to the part that didn't fall, but the bar hit the elderly lady with the flowers, killing her instantly.

Two years later the maintenance guy was walking down a corridor after...

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

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