Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

I was told to get out of my comfort zone

So I started driving on the other side of the road

Not only I’m I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

The weirdest thing happened today when I visited an American prime time tv studio. There was a blocked off zone guarded by police with signs saying “no comedians allowed, untalented people only”.

I was surprised to see they’d Cordened off the area.

A band visited the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone without a guide.

Everyone suffered from radiation poisoning, except the lead guitarist.

What time zone does Josef Fritzl live in?

In CEST.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

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The sheriff of a small Texan town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 60 miles per hour in a 30-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a San Francisco law associate, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"

There was a five second pause as the magistrate looked at him. Then he ask...

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

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John gets pulled over on the 405 with his girlfriend in the passenger seat

John: Is there a problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

John: No, I was only going 65 tops

John's girlfriend: Oh John, you were going 80

John gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for your broken taillight
...

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

Trump made an effort to list certain areas as "no-fly" zones.

Looks like he missed Pence's head.

A cop pulls someone over for doing 130 in a 50 zone

"Your drivers licence please" he asks. The man he just pulled over replies "Sorry I can't, it's in the glove box together with an unregistered firearm". "Really? You know that I have to search the vehicle now?"
"Oh please don't, I just shot my coworker and put his corpse in the boot"
The polic...

2020 is like living in the Stephen King novels The Stand and The Dead Zone at the same time.

If clowns show up next, that’s IT I’m outta here!

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your pic...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

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There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!"

Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."

Russia has 11 time zones...

North Korea has only one...

Kim Zone

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

In Seattle, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone is looking for a musician/philanthropist to support the cause

i.e. a CHAZ Bono

Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone

So, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone is a police-free area surrounded by police.

Does that make it a doughnut hole?

[NSFW] What is the erogenous zone of a female called again?

It's on the tip of my tongue!

When she says "I want a boyfriend exactly like you, but not you.", which zone am I in?

For example zone

I never get stuck in the friend-zone

Mostly because I don't have any friends

I hope Planet Fitness really is a judgement free zone

Gonna be taking my dumps there for the next couple weeks.

Cop: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: Where?
Cop: In that 35mph zone you just went through.
Heisenberg: It's impossible to tell.

What time zone does your average London psychic run on?

Greenwich medium time.

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Commando was sent on a mission in occupied country

General gives him the details. ‘You will arrive at the spot at 5am, there will be a plane waiting for you. When you will be in the air, open the sealed letter with the details of the mission, it will be in the plane, along with the parachute. Once you will be above the drop zone, jump off the plane ...

Blonde gets pulled over by the cops.

Cop: Do you realize you were doing 50 mph in a 30 mph zone.

Blonde: That's impossible, I have only been out for 15 minutes.

What’s the difference between high school and the friend zone?

I have a chance of making it out of high school.

My ex wife dented the hood of my car.

To be honest, was partly my fault. I *was* driving 55 mph in a 25 mph zone.

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

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A man gets stopped by a police officer for doing 31 in a 30 zone

The police man asks what the man's job is.

The man says 'I'm an asshole stretcher'

The police man asks 'and what do you do in that?'

The man replies in detail 'we get the customers ass and slowly enlarge it by first sticking our fingers in, then our whole fist, slowly increasin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sex offenders never get speeding tickets?

Because they always drive slower in school zones

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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

Time zones are amazing

It's a different time all around the world. For example in some parts of the US it's still 1950

If you are a man, don't visit nuclear disaster zones.

Because chernobyl fallout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone

And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous

Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

What do you call a frog in the no parking zone?

Toad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone... [Long]

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone, and the police officer comes up to him and asks for his license and registration. The guy replies "I don't think that would be the best idea, seeing as it's not there, this is a stolen car. I stole it."

The officer, a little surprised, says "So...

I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone.

The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."

I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"

The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag.

But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands.

With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she

licked my face and wagged her tail!

The Communist Party changed things so that China uses single time zone.

It's always Party time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American Soldier at the Neutral Zone in Korea

The American Soldier was a little bored and he seen a North Korean soldier so he asked "Do you speak english?" No response

So he turned to the south and asked a South Korean soldier if he knew english and he got no response back.

The American Soldier thought maybe they knew sign langu...

Autocorrect has friend zoned me.

It said that it loves me like a brothel.

Joe, you're not going to believe what I just saw.

A fitness junkie buys a new bike and takes it for a long ride on a stretch of road going over many hills. On his way home he finds he is to exhausted to continue, and rests on the side of the road. After an hour a Lamborghini Veneno pulls up and the young man driving offers him a ride. After realizi...

What is the most common thing in a friend-zone?

Hard feelings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

Damn girl, are you a road work zone?

'Cause you are double-fine.

A lady was pulled over for doing 120mph in a 50mph zone

The highway patrolman says "Why in the hell are you driving that fast?" She replied "Well I'm running so late for work." The patrolman says "Well I'm going to have to take you to jail for reckless driving." "Is there anything I can do to avoid it? I'll buy tickets to the Highway Patrolman ball to he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey reddit I've known this girl for a while now and I really need some advice to get out of the friend zone.

She's ugly and really fucking annoying, can somebody help me unfriend her?

Girl, you’re like speeding in a construction zone…

Double Fine

It's true I misunderstood what you meant by "take me to the bone zone"

but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.

The Friend zone.

It's like being turned down for a job, then they call you a week later complaining about the person they hired.

What does a guy named Otto call his man-cave?

OttoZone

The Pope was driving to the airport one day...

They got there super early. The pope decided he wanted to kill some time with his favorite hobby from before he became pope: driving. So he switched seats with his driver and off he went.

It had been years since he had driven a car, so he was flying down the highway. Soon a cop saw him doing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

65 in a 35

Buddies Joke Today.

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.
Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."

"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."

"Sir, I'm going to need ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a piss in a war zone.

Probably wasn't the best time for one of my fellow soldiers to yell, "Cover me!"

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

What is the difference between a girl friend and a girlfriend?

The space in between called the friend zone

Getting Dad-zoned

Seeing a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar, a man walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

What do you call a sitcom that takes place in a war zone?

Minefeld

*Plays Seinfeld theme with gunshots*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here ...

Time zones are crazy

On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.

Girl I like keeps putting me in the "dad zone"

Good thing this weekend is Father's Day.

What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence?

Mountin' time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sailor has some balls

Two Generals of the Army and Marines are joined by an Admiral of the Navy around a campfire off the landing zone doing shots of rye whiskey when someone calls out and asks who’s got the most balls.

The Marine General goes all right and says, “Marine,” over the radio, “I want you to take that ...

Why do you take toilet paper to the twilight zone?

DODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODO

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