I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times

I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts

When she says "I want a boyfriend exactly like you, but not you.", which zone am I in?

For example zone

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How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

The Communist Party changed things so that China uses single time zone.

It's always Party time.

What happens when a frog parks his car in a no-parking zone?

It gets toad away.

If you are a man, don't visit nuclear disaster zones.

Because chernobyl fallout.

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

Girl, are you a speeding infraction in a construction zone?

‘Cause you DOUBLE FINE!

Time zones are amazing

It's a different time all around the world. For example in some parts of the US it's still 1950

What’s the difference between high school and the friend zone?

I have a chance of making it out of high school.

Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

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A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone... [Long]

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone, and the police officer comes up to him and asks for his license and registration. The guy replies "I don't think that would be the best idea, seeing as it's not there, this is a stolen car. I stole it."

The officer, a little surprised, says "So...

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got ...

A lady was pulled over for doing 120mph in a 50mph zone

The highway patrolman says "Why in the hell are you driving that fast?" She replied "Well I'm running so late for work." The patrolman says "Well I'm going to have to take you to jail for reckless driving." "Is there anything I can do to avoid it? I'll buy tickets to the Highway Patrolman ball to he...

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner ...

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Hey reddit I've known this girl for a while now and I really need some advice to get out of the friend zone.

She's ugly and really fucking annoying, can somebody help me unfriend her?

Damn girl, are you a road work zone?

'Cause you are double-fine.

What is the most common thing in a friend-zone?

Hard feelings.

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There was an American Soldier at the Neutral Zone in Korea

The American Soldier was a little bored and he seen a North Korean soldier so he asked "Do you speak english?" No response

So he turned to the south and asked a South Korean soldier if he knew english and he got no response back.

The American Soldier thought maybe they knew sign langu...

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Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone.

The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."

I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"

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I was having a piss in a war zone.

Probably wasn't the best time for one of my fellow soldiers to yell, "Cover me!"

It's true I misunderstood what you meant by "take me to the bone zone"

but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.

My Local Pizza Place Just Folded

Now they serve Calzones.

What do you call a sitcom that takes place in a war zone?

Minefeld

*Plays Seinfeld theme with gunshots*

Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone

And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

What's annoying about going 90 in a school zone?

The screaming speed bumps

Time zones are crazy

On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.

Why did the frog cross the airport runway?

To get out of the no fly zone.

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A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.

As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.

The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.

"D...

The Friend zone.

It's like being turned down for a job, then they call you a week later complaining about the person they hired.

What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence?

Mountin' time

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If you're gonna friendzone me...

Help me fuck your other friends then. Bestie.

Girl I like keeps putting me in the "dad zone"

Good thing this weekend is Father's Day.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

What is the friend zone?

It's the space between girlfriend and girl friend.

Samoa is in 2 time zones

Some of those people are living in the past

So this US general gets stationed at some lost, forgotten war-zone in the remotest reaches of Afghanistan.

He gets greeted at the door of his new command by the captain of the troops there. The first thing the General spots – and smells – is this beat up, dirty, flea bitten camel lying in squalor near the entrance to the place.

“Good God man!!” he yells at the captain. “Get that god-forsaken an...

Why do you take toilet paper to the twilight zone?

DODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODO

A guy gets pulled over on the highway going 90mph in a 55mph zone...

Deputy walks up to the window and says to the guy "I clocked you at 90mph in a 55mph zone, can I see your drivers license"? "Don't got it" says the guy. Deputy then asks for his insurance card to which the guy replies "I think I saw one next to the gun in the glove box". Deputy says "Why do you have...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Little Johnny is late to school yet again.

So his teacher finally asks him what is the reason he is always late.
Little Johnny proudly replies: -I'm obeying the traffic sign!
-Stop kidding me Johnny, how can a traffic sign be blamed for this?
Little Johnny proudly again: -Well it says "Warning, school zone! Slow down!"

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong


Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?


See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao


Stupid man........................................Dum Gai


Small horse....

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A cop pulls over a woman...

...who is wearing very slutty attire.

Cop: You were speeding in a school zone. I’ll have to give you a ticket.

Woman: Oh officer, surely there’s something I can do to help you. *pulls out breasts*

Cop: For you information, ma’am, I am homosexual, and regardless of my sexual orie...

What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play?

The rub and tug in the end zone.

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When ejaculating semen shoots out at around 30mph

Maybe thats why the cops got so pissed at me for jerking off in a school zone.

The Pope goes to New York.

He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope pers...

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

Learn to speak Chinese

1) That’s not right ………………….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…………. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ………… Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table …….. Ai Bang Mai ...

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

What did Hitler say when he was forced to mingle with people of other races?

“Ach, this is out of Mein Kampfert zone!!”

Say what you want about paedophiles

Atleast they drive slow in school zones

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Bob, a lawyer,

was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.

His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.

He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun...

A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground...

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once ag...

What is one good thing about child molesters?

They drive slowly in the school zones

What do you call a road to Bethlehem

Highway to the manger zone

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies doing 20 in a 65mph zone. The cop walks up to the window.

"How can I help you officer?"

"Did you realize you were doing 20 in a 65mph zone?"

"I thought we were doing the speed limit. It says so right there." The old woman pointed to a sign....

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

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What did the Nazi call his safe space?

Mein Kampfert zone

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Fun Fact

Semen comes out at about 30 mph when you ejaculate. That’s why the cops gets so mad when you jerk off in a school zone

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Trump is on the phone with Queen Elizabeth II

They discussed politics, Brexit, and many other things for a few minutes, before Trump started off a new topic tangent;

"You know, I've been thinking, and your country- and may I say, it used be be a YUGE empire but is now full of migrants from shithole countries- is ruled by a monarch, so it...

What do you call a dating app for skeletons?

The bone zone.

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

Skydiving humor

A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door hi...

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

Can we stop making Hitler jokes?

It really takes me out of mein kampfort zone.

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Soldier at a bar

A soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his bu...

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School

With the average velocity of an ejaculation being 28mph, it is too fast for a school zone.

I don't think that's why I got arrested outside the school though.

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.

He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base

The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zo...

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued...

I wake up at 6AM everyday

In someone else's time zone

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An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.

The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"

The husband replies "He says you were speeding!"
The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry offic...

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Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the popul...

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