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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

What's brown and warm and sits on a piano stool?

Beethovens first movement.

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.





I'll see myself out

What if this whole Global Warming thing doesn't happen?

Boy, will that be anticlimatic!

What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm?

A Jurassic Parka

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After death, the only organ in the female body which remains warm...

is my penis.

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm? I said lukewarm

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

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A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

Better make sure you have some warm clothes—

It’s supposed to be in the 20s tomorrow.

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

Build a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day

Light a man on fire and you keep him warm the rest of his life

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What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

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Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?

The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

Three mice were looking for a warm place to settle down for winter.

When the three, two boy mice and a girl mouse, came across a barn. They were stoked to find such a perfect place. They split up to explore their palatial discovery. After a while they all ended up walking on the same high shelf. Suddenly, the girl who was leading the group, hit the skids so she wo...

We have a valid potential solution for global warming.

Nuclear winter.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.


He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and t...

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

Why did the hipster drink warm beer?

He liked it before it was cool.

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day in January?

He goes into the barn and slips into a warm Jersey.

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm...

it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

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A nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"

The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewh...

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Why is justice best served cold?

Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

I would tell a joke about global warming

But it's just not cool enough to say

Two women meets in the afterlife,

\-Hello, My name is Mia!

\-Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die?

\-Well... I froze to death.

\-Oh my.. what a terrible way to die!

\-Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die?

...

A man with no arms and no legs lived next to a lonely woman.

A man with no arms and no legs lived next to a lonely woman. One day he got up the courage and went to her front door and rang the doorbell.

She answered and he said, “I’m sorry to bother you, miss, but I notice that you’re always lonely and I wanted to offer to be your boyfriend.”

Sh...

We should stop global warming.

Club Penguin was shut down because of it.

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A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".

The husband send answer back: *"Pour some warm water over them".*

Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: *"The computer is completely fucked now".*

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

What's a flat earther's solution to global warming?

Blow the C02 off the edge.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

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Three Nurses chat in an Office

Three nurses are chatting in an office.The first one says:

''So today,i touched my husband John's balls and they were cold as ice!'' she says.

''Wow! Unbelievable!'' says the second nurse.

''I have touched my husband Peter's balls too and they were also cold as ice!'' says the s...

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If someone sends you a link called ‘free porn’ don't open it.

It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, wanks.

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A man walks into a bar with a frog in his shirt pocket..

The man sits down and says to the bartender,

"Give me a pitcher of beer and a clean ashtray so my buddy here can drink."

Now taking the frog from his pocket and placing it on the bar. Puzzled but intrigued the bartender fills his request.

Time passes and people are glancing a...

A man has been out fishing by the lake...

...all day and hasn’€™t caught anything. He decides to just give up and call it a day, but on his way he notices a young boy fishing few feet away from him. The man immediately notices the kid has several buckets full of fish, then witnesses him reeling in yet another one.

“Excuse me”, the ma...

It was really heart warming when my friends explained what the word "many" meant.

It meant a lot

Dictionary namesake Noah Webster's funeral

Noah Webster was an important man in the field of lexicography. So when he died his wife, Miriam, decided to have a large funeral. Many people came out. Near the end, after the eulogy, Miriam asked if anyone else wanted to say something about her late husband. A man comes up to her and says, “I woul...

CostCo Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will...

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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

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Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

A man goes to the doctor...

...with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pil...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

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After finding out that Sanders quit the presidential race, Biden decides to send Sanders some chocolate M&Ms and a personal note of praise and acknowledgement.

The next day Sanders decides to calls Biden and thank him for the warm gesture.

They end up talking for about five minutes. They both acknowledge the difficulties of running for office and how politics isn’t for the faint-hearted.

As they were wrapping up their conversation, Sanders h...

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A tea bag!

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.

Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

A North Korean man is walking home

A North Korean man is walking along the road when he spots a fish caught in the reeds. Excitedly, he scooped it up and ran home.

"Look what I found!" he says, revealing his treasure to his wife, "Quick heat the oil"

"But husband, the police confiscated the oil! They said subversives co...

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A married couple are out on a drive when..

They see a wounded skunk...
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up and brings it to the car.
She says “look, it’s shivering. It must be cold. What should I do?”
The husband replies “put it between your legs to keep it warm.”
She asks “what about the smell?”
He says “hold its nose”

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

If I were from the Netherlands, I'd start getting worried about global warming...

After all, Nomorelands is not that cool of a name

I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

Donald Trump DOES have a plan to combat global warming!

He's putting ICE everywhere!

My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

Did you know it's cheaper to buy pies in warm weather climates?

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..

I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.

Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

If you want to warm something up in Chicago...

You would place it in a fridge.

Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one...

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

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A man visited his elderly father in a nursing home.

He noticed the nurse have him warm milk and Viagra. "Why are you doing that?" the man asked. The nurse replied "The warm milk will help him sleep." The man said "and the Viagra?" The nurse replied "that keeps him from falling out of bed".

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a...

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My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

Go to the corner, it's 90 degrees.

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

You gotta wonder if after all this global warming talk

If someone in a factory somewhere around the world in a straw factory will say

That's it. That's the last straw

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for the winter.

Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

what do global warming and Barack Obama have in common?

Trump likes to pretend they don't exist

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