UPJOKE
hotheatlukewarmheartycordialardentcoldtepidfreshfriendlyenthusiasticclosewarmlytenderchange

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Why is it so warm in Linus Torvalds' office?

Because he doesn't have Windows.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.

Give a man a fire, and he's warm for the night.

Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Elon Musk organized a press conference about his project to solve global warming

"I will build giant sunglasses"

Journalist raises her hand. "How does that stop the earth from warming up?"

"It makes it cool"

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato, and a Pig flying through the air?

One's a heated yam, while the other's a yeeted ham.

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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Warm Milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bott...

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Warm Milk and Viagra

A man goes to visit his dad in the nursing home for the first time. He feels kinda bad that his dad needed to go into such a place, so he waits for the nurses to leave the day room and leans over...

"Dad", he whispers, "how are you doing here? Do you really like it? Is everything okay?"
...

Keep ‘em warm

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.

Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your se...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

Global warming can reduce terrorism

because the isis melting.

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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer.

Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date try mentioning Global Warming.

It's a huge icebreaker.

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A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

I lost my home because I threw a house warming party.

I miss my igloo.

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

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Free Porn.

If you get an email with a link called "free porn"

Don't opin it, It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck

and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I dont

vatch porn so I dint opin it, plaese warm yu frends.

How do you stay warm in any room?

Go the corner, it is always 90 degres

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

Dress really warm tomorrow...

... it’s going to be minus 45

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

If you're cold with no warm clothes, stand in a corner

They tend to be 90 degrees

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

Did you hear about the heart warming emotional testimony the molester gave at his trial?

Even the jury was touched.

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What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

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A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up abou...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

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A warm toilet seat is just like a prostitute...

It feels good, but you know someone was just there.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

I met my dream girl at the morgue

but she didn't warm up to my advances.

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

Why do cars take a while to warm up in the morning?

Cuz they're tired

What does a biologist scream when they go to the beach and the sand is too warm?

Mitosis!

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

How do you warm up a frozen cowboy?

Yee thaw!

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How do you warm up a cold body?

You piss on their grave.

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day

Teach a man to fire: he'll turn orange, run a reality show based on it, and then take over your country.

Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

Where does the god of lightning keep his warm food?

In a Thormos

Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..

I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.

Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

Better make sure you have some warm clothes—

It’s supposed to be in the 20s tomorrow.

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

What's brown and warm and sits on a piano stool?

Beethovens first movement.

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[NSFW][LONG]A warm glass of milk.

An older gentleman is in a nursing home and his son stops by to visit him. The son notices that his father is doing exceptionally well and asks him how he's doing. The father replies that the nursing home is giving him a Viagra and a warm glass of milk every night before bed and that he wakes up fee...

How do Psychoanalysts keep their feet warm?

Freudian slippers.

If global warming is not real, why does...

the number of hot singles in my area keep increasing?

I had a house warming party the other day...

I should really stop hanging out with pyromaniacs.

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Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up...

It’s all “me me me me me me me”

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

Why did the hipster drink warm beer?

He liked it before it was cool.

What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm?

A Jurassic Parka

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

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What's the difference between Global Warming and unprotected sex?

Nothing; they both feel great and scare the fuck outta me.

What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is?

A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.

We should stop global warming.

Club Penguin was shut down because of it.

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

I have a solution to global warming!

Nuclear winter.

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Dating you is like drinking warm beer

It's not nearly as enjoyable as it should be, but it still gets me fucked

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Me:*watches argument about global warming*

Also me: *oh shit thing are getting heated*

Trump is trying to solve global warming

That's why he's trying to create a nuclear winter

What if this whole Global Warming thing doesn't happen?

Boy, will that be anticlimatic!

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

How do you keep paint warm?

Put on a second coat

Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming?

Nuclear winter

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