If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a couple hours.

If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?

The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day in January?

He goes into the barn and slips into a warm Jersey.

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

Why did the hipster drink warm beer?

He liked it before it was cool.

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm...

it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

I would tell a joke about global warming

But it's just not cool enough to say

I'm lonely. I solved this by moving to a warm location...

Now I have fans everywhere I go.

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

We should stop global warming.

Club Penguin was shut down because of it.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom temperature.

There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

What's a flat earther's solution to global warming?

Blow the C02 off the edge.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

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Justice is a dish best served cold

Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater

It was really heart warming when my friends explained what the word "many" meant.

It meant a lot

Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.

In Scotla...

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

What’s the difference between a warm yam and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

If I were from the Netherlands, I'd start getting worried about global warming...

After all, Nomorelands is not that cool of a name

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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

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Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

There’s a small community trying to save our world and reduce global warming

Anti-vaxxers

I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

Donald Trump DOES have a plan to combat global warming!

He's putting ICE everywhere!

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.

Monday

My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

The cowboy

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the s...

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.

Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she would like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

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My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

You gotta wonder if after all this global warming talk

If someone in a factory somewhere around the world in a straw factory will say

That's it. That's the last straw

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a few weeks, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect...

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A couple driving home run over a badger.....

they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".

Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".

Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

Two cows in a field. One turns to the other and says 'Bob, I've always wondered are you friesian?'

Bob thinks about it for a minute and replies 'No, I'm quite warm actually'

Did you know it's cheaper to buy pies in warm weather climates?

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

If you want to warm something up in Chicago...

You would place it in a fridge.

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

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You're not depressed...

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was moping and looking sad. To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than a 100 lbs.

I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong? It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous...

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog...

But it’s actually a common mist-conception!

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

Your Honor

I once went golfing. I couldn't even get par in a single hole, until I found this magical frog! It was sparkly, and when I picked it up, I felt a warm spike through my spine. All of a sudden, I hole-in-oned the rest of the holes. It was a lucky frog. It spoke to me, and said, "Go gamble!" Luckily, I...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

what do global warming and Barack Obama have in common?

Trump likes to pretend they don't exist

A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn. The man notices the dog lying at the farmer's feet and smiles at the pooch.

"Can I talk to your dog?" The man asks. The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.

"Dog don't talk, but whatever...

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A couple are on a roadtrip

The husband is driving, and accidentally hits a raccoon. They get out to check, and the poor thing is alive but feels very cold. The get it in the car to bring to an animal hospital.

The husband says "hold it between your legs to help warm it up"

She says "but its wet, and smells bad"...

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside...

Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."

Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..

I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.

Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

I used to not believe in climate change

But around October I started supporting global warming

First we had an ice age, now there is global warming.

It's almost as if the Earth is bipolar.

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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

How does fire tell you its dangerous?

By giving you a warming.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

Go to the corner, it's 90 degrees.

Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

I always thought I hated sitting on cold toilet seats

Until I sat on a warm one

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for the winter.

Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

What's the best gift for a house-warming party?

A space heater

Tis' the Treason

Santa: "Please help. Global Warming has put my shop under water. My elves are crossing the boarder for refuge"

Trump: " Don't worry Santy, I'm sending ICE"

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

What do women and warm toilet seats have in common?

They are both nice to be on, but it makes you wonder who was there before you.

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

When meeting someone new, start with a conversation about global warming...

It's breaking the ice.

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW][LONG]A warm glass of milk.

An older gentleman is in a nursing home and his son stops by to visit him. The son notices that his father is doing exceptionally well and asks him how he's doing. The father replies that the nursing home is giving him a Viagra and a warm glass of milk every night before bed and that he wakes up fee...

[Long] An email from the AFTERLIFE

A Canadian couple needed a vacation in a warm climate at the end of a very cold winter. They booked a suite at an exclusive, Arizona desert resort. Because of a last minute business meeting, the wife had to leave a day later than her husband. After an early flight and then checking in at the resort,...

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

I visited Kenya...

I was in Kenya for holiday and decided to visit a poor village. There I met a married couple who told me about their everyday life. The wife told how she makes clothes for a living and makes 1.75 dollars a day. The husband was a farmer who only made 2 dollars a day.

It broke my heart. I felt ...

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A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.

Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dive...

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog cr...

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A elderly man told his wife he wanted to have breakfast in the nude like when they were young...

His wife agreed. They needed to reinvigorate their marriage after 40 years after all.
Over breakfast she said “I haven’t felt this warm alive sensation in years!”.
Her husband pointed out: “well...it’s because your boobs are in the oatmeal”.

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