What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.





I'll see myself out

Build a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day

Light a man on fire and you keep him warm the rest of his life

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After death, the only organ in the female body which remains warm...

is my penis.

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As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.


It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.


"Not tonight, honey," I mumbled. "I'm too tired."


"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.

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[NSFW] What do pussy and a warm toilet seat have in common?

It feels great, but you always wonder about the last asshole that used it.

[Note: I'm aware of the potential offensiveness of this post.]

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What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm? I said lukewarm

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A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

Better make sure you have some warm clothes—

It’s supposed to be in the 20s tomorrow.

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

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Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?

The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day in January?

He goes into the barn and slips into a warm Jersey.

Why did the hipster drink warm beer?

He liked it before it was cool.

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm...

it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

A man goes to the doctor...

...with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pil...

I would tell a joke about global warming

But it's just not cool enough to say

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

We should stop global warming.

Club Penguin was shut down because of it.

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

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Justice is a dish best served cold.

if it were served warm it would be justwater.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can...

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If you get a link called "free p0rn" don't opin it.

It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting.

I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it.

Plees warm you frends

Wanks

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

The English we Speak....

**Helen:** Hello and welcome to The English We Speak from BBC Learning English, I'm Helen. With me today is quite a frustrated-looking Neil. Neil, what are you doing to that mobile phone?


**Neil:** Argh, I can't get it to make a phone call. It does everything else: it takes photos, it c...

It was really heart warming when my friends explained what the word "many" meant.

It meant a lot

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a...

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

A man and woman are driving down the road...

A man and woman are driving down the road after dinner. The weather is awful, pouring rain and freezing cold.

As they go around a corner, the woman spots a dog on the side of the road that looks like it’s been hit by a car. She pleads with her husband to stop so they can check on the poor do...

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Me:*watches argument about global warming*

Also me: *oh shit thing are getting heated*

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone.

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone, at the table next to his.

Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye flies out of its socket!

With his lightening fast reflexes, as it hurtled past the man, he catches it from mid air and hands it back to the lady.

...

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Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

What do you call an uncool worm?

Warm!

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

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Depression Era Prostitute NSFW

Three generations of prostitutes were hanging out on the street corner talking about their day.

The youngest complains “I just sucked that guy off and all I got was a lousy $50!”

The middle aged one says “$50?!?! Hell, when I was your age I would be thrilled with $10!”

The eldes...

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

If I were from the Netherlands, I'd start getting worried about global warming...

After all, Nomorelands is not that cool of a name

I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

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Delivering the male (my cake day contribution)

It was John's last day delivering the mail. He had been doing so for 4o years and was about to retire.

Most of the families greeted him warmly and handed him an envelope presumably with a small monetary gift inside.

But when he arrived at the Jones' house the woman there pulled him ins...

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A businessman visits Japan for the first time

A business man visits Japan for the first time.

He checks in to a hotel and is shown around the room. He notices that there is no toilet paper, and asks the hotel porter about it.

Well, says the porter, this is Japan, and our toilets are advanced, all will be handled by the buttons on ...

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A tea bag!

Donald Trump DOES have a plan to combat global warming!

He's putting ICE everywhere!

My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.

In Scotla...

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.

Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

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3 generations of prostitutes are standing on a corner one day discussing life.

The 19 year old prostitute says “Man what a rough day! I only got $20 for giving a blowjob!”

To which the 40 year old prostitute replies “20?! Back in my day we only got $5!”

The 80 year old prostitute scoffs and says “You kids got it easy with blow jobs today. Back in my day we were j...

I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

Did you know it's cheaper to buy pies in warm weather climates?

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

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My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

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Somewhere in Siberia

Note: translated from another language(dirty)

Long

Siberia, it's super cold,freezing, a man is crawling, struggling hard, he's on a verge of death. Suddenly he sees a light not far out. Using his last bit of strength he reaches a small house. Knocks on a door. No answer. He opens the d...

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

If you want to warm something up in Chicago...

You would place it in a fridge.

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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

You gotta wonder if after all this global warming talk

If someone in a factory somewhere around the world in a straw factory will say

That's it. That's the last straw

Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..

I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.

Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog...

But it’s actually a common mist-conception!

what do global warming and Barack Obama have in common?

Trump likes to pretend they don't exist

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A man gets a job as a fisherman on

a trawler. They stay out at sea for a few days and still 3 weeks until of voyage to go. The man then gets restless and ask one of his shipmate “I really need to release some built up tension, what do you guys do?.
His mate replied “No problem, you see that barrels with the hole in the middle? Jus...

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

Go to the corner, it's 90 degrees.

First we had an ice age, now there is global warming.

It's almost as if the Earth is bipolar.

Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for the winter.

Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."

"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Run up and down to keep warm," the L...

A Canadian buys a walk-in freezer

His neighbor asks him: "Why do you need a freezer when it's so cold outside?"

He replies: "To have a warm place inside the house. It's -30 outside and -10 in the freezer."

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A man get a job in the coldest part of Antarctica...

He's been there for a few weeks when he builds up the courage to ask about the lack of women situation.

One of the guys tells him, "yeah don't worry. We got you. After work, follow me I'll show you. "

The two men walk to a absolutely nightmarish cold wasteland area with a black barr...

My wife hated the heater I bought

But she warmed up to it

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Oh and one last thing friends..! Just letting you be aware, if you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it.

It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, wanks

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

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