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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the ...

I lost my home because I threw a house warming party.

I miss my igloo.

Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a moment...

Light a man on Fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

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I was talking passionately about the things I love! She just had to interrupt me to talk about global warming and some shit

such an anticlimactic thing to say

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

If you're cold with no warm clothes, stand in a corner

They tend to be 90 degrees

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

Why did humanity fail to stop global warming?

It was too polarizing

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What do you call it when you say "fuck it" and ditch all your responsibilities because it's too fucking cold, and go somewhere warm?

Going for a Cruz.

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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Yesterday when I got home from work I pointed my wife's hair dryer at my balls and turned it on. My wife asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I replied, "Warming up your dinner."

Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had just started a new diet.

How do snowmen keep warm

With a snow blanket!

Dress really warm tomorrow...

... it’s going to be minus 45

Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

A British man in a Jag is broke down on the side of the road

When the tow truck comes and the driver sees the Jag, he says "Hey you know why the British like warm beer?"

The Jag driver with a complete deadpan look says "I dunno. Why...?"

And the truck driver laughs and says "Because Lucas makes refrigerators too!"

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is?

A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

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A Nazi walks into a bar....

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

Three autopsy techs are cutting the corpse at the end of a very long day, as tired and underpaid as usual...

Two of them have cut into stomach, the other one is reading the report about the death of the person.

One of them exclaims: 'Oh, meatloaf! And potatoes!' - He grabs a spoon and starts eating straight from the stomach. The other one follows. - 'Daniel, would you?' - 'No, guys, thank you, I...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

The spirit in the bottle.

A lady walks into Walmart. She bumps into a bottle on a shelf, it falls down and a spirit comes out. Ahh that was good said the spirit. As a thank\`s for helping me out of this bottle, I want to give you one wish that comes true. The lady is a little confused, thinks a little and says, I have a wish...

How do you warm up a frozen cowboy?

Yee thaw!

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

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Newby Salesperson (Long joke)

NOTE: My husband thinks this joke is sexist, but I think it's hilarious.

A young man desperately needed a good paying job, so he applied as a salesperson for a large, everything-under-one-roof store.

The manager, seeing how young the man was, was doubtful he could sell anything, but th...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

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After death what is the only organ in a womans body that is warm

My penis

A traveling salesman had got lost one day while driving through the Midwest farm country. So he stopped at a farm house for directions.

While the farmer was giving the salesman directions, he noticed all the farm animals were penned except a 3 legged pig roaming around the farm yard.

Curious the salesman asked the farmer what was the story about the 3 legged pig.

"Why this is no ordinary pig. In fact he's quite amazing...

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

Where does the god of lightning keep his warm food?

In a Thormos

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Luke-Warm

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Lottery win!

A woman is at home when her husband suddenly bursts in excitedly through the front doors and says "Get ready to pack your bags honey... I just won big in the lottery"!
"Oh my God" she exclaims..."should I pack for warm weather or cold weather"?
"I don't know" he says "just get the fuck out"!

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming.

It's a real icebreaker.

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

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What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.





I'll see myself out

If global warming is not real, why does...

the number of hot singles in my area keep increasing?

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

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How to be American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding h...

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Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up...

It’s all “me me me me me me me”

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I was on tour with my rugby team

On the last night we all got on the beers and later on in the evening my team mates passed me a pint of warm yellow liquid while all of them were giggling like school girls.

Not to be out done I swallowed half of it and then vomited.

"You fucking bastards" I said "Seriously how old are...

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Johnny was on a date...

They were getting hot and heavy in the backseat and he reached down into her panties.

Her warm wet pussy opened slightly and he inserted a finger.

After a minute or so of finger banging she whispered in his ear begging him. "Oooh put another finger in."

Surprised he replied "Je...

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

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What’s wet, warm, tight and cosy?

My wetsuit when I piss in it

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A man rides a train

A man is riding on a train, he needs to use the restroom but the Men’s is occupied so he sneaks into the Woman’s. While he is doing his business he notices three buttons on the wall, W, F and ATR. His curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to push the W button. A gentle warm stream of water s...

I had a house warming party the other day...

I should really stop hanging out with pyromaniacs.

How Does Leah Like Her Bathwater?

Luke-warm

My 9yo came up with this, don't ban me please lol

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Thumb in the soup at the restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant with his wife. They look at the menu and order some starters and two soups. After placing their orders they start to notice something strange: there is only one waiter and he puts his thumb in the soups of the other customers when he carries them to the tables. The man and...

Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

What's brown and warm and sits on a piano stool?

Beethovens first movement.

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Matrix Management: The Key to Happiness

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed b...

An Irish man goes fishing

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"
“Fishing” replied the ol...

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A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

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Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

In 2024 Al Gore decided to run for president again.

His campaign hinged on a song he made to promote the dangers of global warming. It was so popular it became a meme.

After a while, everyone was talking about Al Gore, and, sure enough he became President.

When asked on the News, "How do you think he won," two fallen YouTubers stated, "...

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Gates of Heaven

4 nuns die in a tragic bus crash.

They find themselves at the gates of heaven, where Peter greets them warmly. "Sisters, to enter into heaven, you must confess a sin." The sisters line up in front of Peter, who is smiling warmly.

The first nun pauses, takes a deep breath, and says "I....

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

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A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

Tonight I made salmon for supper

As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm?

A Jurassic Parka

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?

The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Better make sure you have some warm clothes—

It’s supposed to be in the 20s tomorrow.

How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.

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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

A man is in the restaurant

(Sorry for bad English)



A man is in a restaurant eating his soup. Suddenly he notices a finger in his soup. He turns to the side and sees a guy that's putting his finger inside the soup.

He asks him: "What do you think you're doing? Putting a finger into my soup?"

The gu...

What if this whole Global Warming thing doesn't happen?

Boy, will that be anticlimatic!

Cat and Dog Food

A man goes into an all purpose store for some dog food. The clerk asks if the man has a dog, the man says yes. The clerk is skeptical and asks if the guy brought his dog, the man says no so the clerk refuses him service. The man is annoyed but not too angry. The next day the man goes back to the st...

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Boy comes up to his father and says: “Dad, math teacher wants to see you”

"What happened?", father asks.

"Well, she asked how much would be 7*9, I said '63'. Then she asked, "And 9*7?" I said, "What the fuck difference does it make?"

"Really, what the fuck difference does it make." father said. “I'll talk to her."

The next day, the boy comes home fro...

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

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