The 93+ Best Warm Jokes

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

Give a man a fire, and he's warm for the night.

Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Elon Musk organized a press conference about his project to solve global warming

"I will build giant sunglasses"

Journalist raises her hand. "How does that stop the earth from warming up?"

"It makes it cool"

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato, and a Pig flying through the air?

One's a heated yam, while the other's a yeeted ham.

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date try mentioning Global Warming.

It's a huge icebreaker.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

Warm Milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bott...

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Warm Milk and Viagra

A man goes to visit his dad in the nursing home for the first time. He feels kinda bad that his dad needed to go into such a place, so he waits for the nurses to leave the day room and leans over...

"Dad", he whispers, "how are you doing here? Do you really like it? Is everything okay?"
...

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

What do you call a house warming party for an Inuit?

Eviction

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer.

Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Did you hear about the heart warming emotional testimony the molester gave at his trial?

Even the jury was touched.

What does a biologist scream when they go to the beach and the sand is too warm?

Mitosis!

I lost my home because I threw a house warming party.

I miss my igloo.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

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What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

Keep ‘em warm

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.

Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your se...

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

If you're cold with no warm clothes, stand in a corner

They tend to be 90 degrees

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

How do you stay warm in any room?

Go the corner, it is always 90 degres

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

Why do cars take a while to warm up in the morning?

Cuz they're tired

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

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A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

Dress really warm tomorrow...

... it’s going to be minus 45

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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A warm toilet seat is just like a prostitute...

It feels good, but you know someone was just there.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

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What do you call it when you say "fuck it" and ditch all your responsibilities because it's too fucking cold, and go somewhere warm?

Going for a Cruz.

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

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Free Porn.

If you get an email with a link called "free porn"

Don't opin it, It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck

and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I dont

vatch porn so I dint opin it, plaese warm yu frends.

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

How do you warm up a frozen cowboy?

Yee thaw!

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

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Yesterday when I got home from work I pointed my wife's hair dryer at my balls and turned it on. My wife asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I replied, "Warming up your dinner."

Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had just started a new diet.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is?

A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.

Where does the god of lightning keep his warm food?

In a Thormos

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

What's brown and warm and sits on a piano stool?

Beethovens first movement.

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..

I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.

Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day

Teach a man to fire: he'll turn orange, run a reality show based on it, and then take over your country.

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A man and his wife are having trouble in bed...

... the woman never even gets close to having an orgasm. She complains to her husband that it is way too warm in their house and that's why she can't have an orgasm.

The man decides to consult a sex therapist for a possible solution. The therapist says the man should cool his wife off by waf...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

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Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?

The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

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Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up...

It’s all “me me me me me me me”

What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm?

A Jurassic Parka

Better make sure you have some warm clothes—

It’s supposed to be in the 20s tomorrow.

I always have a warm departure from my seminary school

Nicene U

I had a house warming party the other day...

I should really stop hanging out with pyromaniacs.

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

If global warming is not real, why does...

the number of hot singles in my area keep increasing?

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