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Eastern Jokes

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

Where do potty-mouthed Eastern Europeans come from?

Vulgaria

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe...

... the German government predicts an imminent shortage of sausage and cheese, and are formulating a plan for emergency intervention to deal with this impending crisis.

They're referring to the plan as their Wurst/Kase scenario.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

Eastern European Charade

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

.

What do you call a newborn of middle eastern descent?

An arababian

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

What do a Middle Eastern transportation center and a mythological English kingdom have in common?

They're both camel-lots

What happens when you eat too much Middle Eastern food?

You feelafel

How much does it cost a small middle eastern country to host the World Cup?

A Qatar of a trillion

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women?

American women get stoned before they commit adultery..

Did you hear about the Middle Eastern fight?

Some call it fake, but I think the fight Israel.

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NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

For Texans, from Eastern Europe.

On the phone:

"Hey Vlad, how's the weather in your town? I heard on the news it's really cold, almost -35 Celsius."

"-35? Nah, it's more like -15C. Oh! You meant outside!"

I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday

I just felafel afterwards.

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

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A frustrated middle eastern man is walking along the beach... (NSFW)

When suddenly he stubs his toe on something in the sand. He reaches down under the sand and discovers a golden lamp. He picks it up and excitedly brushes it off when suddenly a enormous genie appears.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp and I shall grant you one wish, if it is within my power."
...

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine

I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

What is an Eastern European’s favorite food?

Coleslav

What are chubby Mid-eastern moms generally named?

Fatima.

WWII, Eastern Front

Troops under the command of Baghramyan are the first to reach the Baltic. To present his success more pretentiously, the Armenian general personally poured a bottle of water from the Baltic Sea and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But a setback happened: whi...

I saw Queen play in Eastern Europe around the early 1900s

I believe it was under Prussia

Corrupt Warden Stuffed At Middle Eastern Restaurant

Awful lawful all full off falafel.

Did you hear about the Middle-Eastern balet?

It was very Arab-esque.

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

Breaking bread with your middle-eastern friends...

Is a naan-secular activity everyone can enjoy.

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

What do middle eastern people smoke?

An Abu Doobie

As an eastern European living in a western country, dealing with bureaucrats always brings me to tears

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

There's a Soviet General on the eastern front in Finland...

He goes to see his men to raise their morale; they've been having trouble taking a forest.

From across the forest he hears, "Ha! One Finn is better than ten Russians!"

The general is angered by this so he rounds up the nearest ten soldiers and sends them to find and kill the Finn. He h...

What do you call a group of Middle Eastern mice ?

United Arab Emi-rats

How Do I Know That Eastern European’s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

A guy from some middle eastern village moves to Germany.

He gets off the plane and hails a taxi, an old Mercedes Taxi cab pulls up to pick him up and they set off.

Middle eastern guy is really impressed with the car, having never seen a Mercedes before, and he asks about the hood ornament, what is it for?

The taxi driver realizing this guy ...

What do you call a bearded, middle-eastern man flying a plane over New York?

A pilot, you racists.

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front...

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking assh...

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Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

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Two middle eastern brothers move to the US...

they each make a bet over which will be more Americanized in a years time. At the end of the year the first brother says to the other "Today I'm going to see my son play in a baseball game and after we're going to McDonalds for dinner". The second looks at him and says "Fuck off towel head".

One of the most famous middle eastern jokes.

Two guys were taking walking in a jungle and they spotted a monkey on the top of the tree.

Guy1: what's your dad doing on top of the tree?

Guy2: he's waiting for your mom

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint.

He told me he was able to get out of the situation,

I asked him, “How?”

He said

“Iran”

Why are middle eastern news stations so entertaining?

There’s always something new blowing up.

What is Middle-Eastern, vegetarian and turns lead into gold?

The falafel-er's stone

The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.

One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.

"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to ...

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

What do you call a Middle-Eastern business in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar

Three inmates in Communist Eastern Germany are comparing their stories.

The first one says: "I always showed up to work 5 minutes late, so they booked me for sabotage".

The second explains: "I always showed up 5 minutes early, so they booked me for espionage."

The last one says: "I was always on time, and that's when they realized my watch is from West Ger...

What do middle eastern people say when they feel hungover?

I falafel.

For some reason I'm only afraid of Middle Eastern spiders...

It's O.K. though. My doctor says it's normal to be Iraqnaphobic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter interviews a middle-eastern man...

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy...

Eastern Pun

So I’m in the habit of watching international TV channels when I’m at home.

I’ve noticed that Dubai’s networks don’t ever broadcast The Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do!

Middle Eastern suicide hotline

A man living in Iraq calls in the the suicide hotline and he says to the operator " I'm feeling very suicidal and don't feel like living anymore"
The operator replies to him " well sir can you drive a truck".

What's Justin Timberlakes favorite part of Eastern Europe?

The Crimea River.

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator...

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

Most Middle Eastern Nations don't like the Flintstones..

But ABU DHAIBI DOO!

In 2002 Justin Timberlake made a hit song about Eastern European waterways.

It specifically talks about a river in Crimea.

(edit: I originally got my Justins mixed up, thanks for the comments :) )

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

As a health conscious cannibal, I only eat Eastern monks.

My doctor recommended a diet high in anti-Occidents.

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

A middle eastern restaurant owner bought a new waffle iron.

He wasn't sure how to use it, so he chopped up some chickpeas, rolled them in flour and pressed them between the grates.

The mayor of the town stopped by that day, excited to try the new dish.

But when he took his first bite, the mayor declared it was so bad he would ban it from being ...

What do you call a middle eastern Elvis Presley impersonator?

Amal Shookup

My car wouldn't start so I called my favorite middle eastern company to help me

Camel Tow

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."


An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew a...

What do you call a law-abiding Middle Eastern waffle shop that caters to police officers, but tastes horrible?

Awful, awful lawful "Lawful Waffles & Falafels"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a female middle eastern stripper?

Sheikha Bouti

What do you call a male middle eastern stripper?

Sheikh Madiq

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

What's a Middle-Eastern Ghost-Buster's favorite drink?

A Djinn & Tonic.

I'm planning to open a Norwegian/Middle Eastern fast-food restaurant.

It's called The Valhallah Snakbar.

Have you ever taken a class on Middle Eastern history?

Israeli hard.

What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

What’s the difference between a Middle Eastern preschool and an ISIS training camp?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone

A young man walks into a bar. An Eastern-European man is bartending.

The young man sits down next to another customer and orders at the bar.

“Sir, can I have a Bloody Mary?,” he asks.

“Sure,” says the bartender in a thick accent.

15 seconds later, the bartender sets down the man’s drink. The man notices it’s missing the lemon.

“This guy ...

Why do middle easterners always got that nice tan?

Because it's very sunni there!

Whats the difference between Indians and Middle Eastern people?

Indians are responsible for 7/11 not 9/11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is eastern europe filled with strippers?

Because they like Poles.

What does an editor do in Eastern Europe?

They Czech for errors.

I traded my blowup doll in for a middle eastern version..

It blows itself up..

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

When I manage a troupe of Eastern European acrobats...

they're going to be called "Czechs and Balances", it's the only logical choice.

Why do you never want to call a middle eastern man with a turban a Muslim?

Because they are Sikh and tired of it!

Did you know that all pieces of reflective glass are middle eastern?

It's Amir.

What did the eastern Russian say to the western Russian in the bathroom?

"European."

Why did the eastern European man crash on his way to work?

He was Russian

I saw a very odd Middle Eastern market the other day.

It was quite bazaar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is attracted to Middle Easterns?

A Hummusexual.

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