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Eastern Jokes

I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe...

... the German government predicts an imminent shortage of sausage and cheese, and are formulating a plan for emergency intervention to deal with this impending crisis.

They're referring to the plan as their Wurst/Kase scenario.

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

How much does it cost a small middle eastern country to host the World Cup?

A Qatar of a trillion

What do you call a newborn of middle eastern descent?

An arababian

What happens when you eat too much Middle Eastern food?

You feelafel

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

A Middle Eastern guy is driving to a bar.

He gets to the bar, parks his car, walks inside, buys a lot of drinks, and is about to pay when he realizes he left his wallet at home!

The man says, "I'll be right back, Bartender!"

The bartender responds with, "I don't think you're in any condition to be driving right now."

...

What does a cat from south eastern china speak?

Catonese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

What is the difference between American girls and middle eastern girls?

American girls get stoned before committing adultery.

Eastern European Charade

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

.

An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas….

when a strange bird scurried in front of them.

Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, "That's a bird of paradise."

The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, "Long way from home, isn't it?"

As an eastern European living in a western country, dealing with bureaucrats always brings me to tears

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine

I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

I saw Queen play in Eastern Europe around the early 1900s

I believe it was under Prussia

Did you hear about the Middle Eastern fight?

Some call it fake, but I think the fight Israel.

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

What is an Eastern European’s favorite food?

Coleslav

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

What are chubby Mid-eastern moms generally named?

Fatima.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

For Texans, from Eastern Europe.

On the phone:

"Hey Vlad, how's the weather in your town? I heard on the news it's really cold, almost -35 Celsius."

"-35? Nah, it's more like -15C. Oh! You meant outside!"

Don't get lost in the mountains

Disclaimer: I know this is a childish joke, but I like it and when you tell this one at a party with drunken people, you can almost guarantee a laugh from everyone.

A journalist went to a village in a mountain range to learn about their traditions. He walks up to the village elder and asks: "...

The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.

One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.

"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to ...

My Middle Eastern dad has learned English from watching infomercials.

So when I would get in trouble as a kid and get punished, he would finish by saying "But wait, there's more!"

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

What do you call a law-abiding Middle Eastern waffle shop that caters to police officers, but tastes horrible?

Awful, awful lawful "Lawful Waffles & Falafels"

How Do I Know That Eastern European’s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

What do you call a group of Middle Eastern mice ?

United Arab Emi-rats

Did you hear about the Middle-Eastern balet?

It was very Arab-esque.

Corrupt Warden Stuffed At Middle Eastern Restaurant

Awful lawful all full off falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door. A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

"Good evening, brother!" greeted the monk. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm ver...

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

What do they call the lamp at the car factory that warns the workers that the engine is from eastern Europe?

The czech engine light.

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday

I just felafel afterwards.

A guy from some middle eastern village moves to Germany.

He gets off the plane and hails a taxi, an old Mercedes Taxi cab pulls up to pick him up and they set off.

Middle eastern guy is really impressed with the car, having never seen a Mercedes before, and he asks about the hood ornament, what is it for?

The taxi driver realizing this guy ...

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

What do middle eastern people say when they feel hungover?

I falafel.

My car wouldn't start so I called my favorite middle eastern company to help me

Camel Tow

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated middle eastern man is walking along the beach... (NSFW)

When suddenly he stubs his toe on something in the sand. He reaches down under the sand and discovers a golden lamp. He picks it up and excitedly brushes it off when suddenly a enormous genie appears.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp and I shall grant you one wish, if it is within my power."
...

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."


An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew a...

There's a Soviet General on the eastern front in Finland...

He goes to see his men to raise their morale; they've been having trouble taking a forest.

From across the forest he hears, "Ha! One Finn is better than ten Russians!"

The general is angered by this so he rounds up the nearest ten soldiers and sends them to find and kill the Finn. He h...

What is Middle-Eastern, vegetarian and turns lead into gold?

The falafel-er's stone

Breaking bread with your middle-eastern friends...

Is a naan-secular activity everyone can enjoy.

Why do you never want to call a middle eastern man with a turban a Muslim?

Because they are Sikh and tired of it!

My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint.

He told me he was able to get out of the situation,

I asked him, “How?”

He said

“Iran”

For some reason I'm only afraid of Middle Eastern spiders...

It's O.K. though. My doctor says it's normal to be Iraqnaphobic.

Three inmates in Communist Eastern Germany are comparing their stories.

The first one says: "I always showed up to work 5 minutes late, so they booked me for sabotage".

The second explains: "I always showed up 5 minutes early, so they booked me for espionage."

The last one says: "I was always on time, and that's when they realized my watch is from West Ger...

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Two middle eastern brothers move to the US...

they each make a bet over which will be more Americanized in a years time. At the end of the year the first brother says to the other "Today I'm going to see my son play in a baseball game and after we're going to McDonalds for dinner". The second looks at him and says "Fuck off towel head".

What’s the difference between a Middle Eastern preschool and an ISIS training camp?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

Why are middle eastern news stations so entertaining?

There’s always something new blowing up.

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

WWII, Eastern Front

Troops under the command of Baghramyan are the first to reach the Baltic. To present his success more pretentiously, the Armenian general personally poured a bottle of water from the Baltic Sea and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But a setback happened: whi...

In 2002 Justin Timberlake made a hit song about Eastern European waterways.

It specifically talks about a river in Crimea.

(edit: I originally got my Justins mixed up, thanks for the comments :) )

What do you call a middle eastern Elvis Presley impersonator?

Amal Shookup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m writing a masters thesis on the social hierarchies of Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdoms. It’s a pretty serious paper so I want to lend it some levity by adding a joke about eunuchs.

I’m just not sure if I’ve got the balls to do it.

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator...

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

I'm planning to open a Norwegian/Middle Eastern fast-food restaurant.

It's called The Valhallah Snakbar.

What's Justin Timberlakes favorite part of Eastern Europe?

The Crimea River.

What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

I traded my blowup doll in for a middle eastern version..

It blows itself up..

As a health conscious cannibal, I only eat Eastern monks.

My doctor recommended a diet high in anti-Occidents.

A middle eastern restaurant owner bought a new waffle iron.

He wasn't sure how to use it, so he chopped up some chickpeas, rolled them in flour and pressed them between the grates.

The mayor of the town stopped by that day, excited to try the new dish.

But when he took his first bite, the mayor declared it was so bad he would ban it from being ...

I told my friend that I went on a trip to Eastern Cape of Africa and this guy hurled a long throwing spear at me.

My friend said "Assagaai!", I said I don't know why you're taking his side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables

The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. 

"Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.

Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

The year is 13,000 BC. The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

"You alright?" They ask him, waiting eagerly at the shore with a distant view of the new lands that awaited them.

"Yeah, I th...

Most Middle Eastern Nations don't like the Flintstones..

But ABU DHAIBI DOO!

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a ...

On the snowy mountains of eastern Asia, there live a secluded group of monks

Bi-weekly the head monk teaches a class of young monks the way of their order. One particular class began with the head monk explaining that while the world is full of hidden meaning, objects are nothing but themselves, and thus meaningless. The head monk said 'you see children, this vase I hold is ...

What did the eastern Russian say to the western Russian in the bathroom?

"European."

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no on...

Have you ever taken a class on Middle Eastern history?

Israeli hard.

When I manage a troupe of Eastern European acrobats...

they're going to be called "Czechs and Balances", it's the only logical choice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three American salesmen were caught in a Middle Eastern harem.

One tried to explain "A cab driver told us this was a cat house and snuck us in the back door."

"No excuses!" the Emir shouted. "Any man who enters my harem must pay dearly!"

He then became very thoughtful. "If you were my people, you would be put to death at once. But tensions are hi...

I saw a very odd Middle Eastern market the other day.

It was quite bazaar.

What did the Middle Eastern dictator say after he had lunch?

I ate too many chickpeas, now I falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter interviews a middle-eastern man...

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy...

I saw a scary looking Middle-Eastern man

so Iran

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A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany...

His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email:

"Father,
<...

The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.

An Estonian stands by a railway track.

Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.

The first one asks: “Is it a long way to Tallinn?”

“Not too long.”

He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.

After two hours of silent pum...

Did you know that all pieces of reflective glass are middle eastern?

It's Amir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is attracted to Middle Easterns?

A Hummusexual.

What happened when the bankrupt eastern european jumped off a building?

The Czech bounced.

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

The Rich Shoeshiner

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there .

He used to sit on the chair , read the Wall Street Journal , and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny , great look .

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: "What ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a female middle eastern stripper?

Sheikha Bouti

What do you call a male middle eastern stripper?

Sheikh Madiq

Old joke from former Eastern Germany: An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, KGB and the Stasi....

The CIA team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.

"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 500,000 years old."

Not to be outdone by the CIA, the KGB goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.

"The remains are approximately 515,550 y...

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