A lot of conflict in the Wild West....

....could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

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Stalin wakes up ealy one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

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An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane...

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane.

As it comes closer, he notice...

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any
alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist
started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man,
“Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, any...

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In West Virginia, a policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine.

Bikers were riding west on when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge.

They stopped and George, the leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit ...

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the wild west

He bursts through the door and announces:

“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!

If there are mid-west states in the U.S. ...

... why are there no mid-east ones?

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

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A Cowboy rides up to a Saloon in the old west. An old man is sitting out front, whittling a stick...

...The Cowboy rides up, jumps down and ties up his horse. Then he walks around to the back of it, lifts up it's tail and kisses it right on the butthole.

The old man sees this and is shocked. When the cowboy approaches the front door, the old man says, "Damn son, that sure was a peculiar thin...

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How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

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TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

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TIL:Today I learned that prostitutes in the old west charged as little as $1.00 for their services

You really got a bang for your buck!

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

I was in this bar in LA, and Kanye West walks in...He looks around and just walks back out.

Oh well. Yeezy come, Yeezy go.

What does Kanye West eat for breakfast?

Omelette you finish this joke.

A Chinese man walks into a pub in West Belfast.

He orders a pint of stout, drinks half of it and then goes to the toilet. He's no sooner gone than a bloke gets up out of his seat and goes up to the bar and farts in the Chinese man's Guinness. The Chinese man returns but the barman stops him from drinking telling him what had just happened. The Ch...

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On Wild West, an outlaw tells to his buddy

\- Hey, Jack, you see that fellow on a cliff?

\- But there's two of them, - his buddy replies.

\- Well, one on a horse.

\- But they're both are riding, John.

\- One in a hat!

\- They're both in hats!

\- Well shit, - he pulls a pistol and shoots, - Well y...

So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.

Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "

He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "

I was talking to a friend. I said "my wife went on holiday to the West Indies."

He says "Jamaica?"

I said "No... It was her decision."

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Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck on the porch of his trailer and shouts down to him

“Where am I ?”
The Redneck looks back up and shouts back,

"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

**Bobbie:** East?

**Robbie:** No. Larry.

Why did the non-binary prospector go out west?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

From an Old West fort the sentinel cries out:

\- Captain! The indians are coming!

\- Friends or foes?

\- I think friends Sir, they're coming together!

What do you call a town moving West?

A velo-city

How tall is Kanye West?

Oh, about Ye high

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

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Why wasn’t Jesus born in West Virginia?

They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin !

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A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

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A preacher in the Wild West, ...

... beloved by his congregation, was famous for never preaching about the same subject twice.

One day he says to his wife, "I've got an idea for my next sermon. I think I'll talk about horseback riding and how it helped America expand west of the Mississippi." His wife says, "If you do, I'm ...

Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs.

Apparently none of them could sing, either.

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What does Kanye West and the North Korean people have in common?

Both are regularly fucked by Kim.

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There are three lies a West Virginian always tells...

1) I own that truck.
2) She's not my sister.
3) I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

What's in the west of Westeros?

Westestos.

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

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A Indian man walked into a grosery store in the wild west

wanting to buy toilet paper. The clerk told him they had one cheap brand with no name and a brand called luxury. The Indian man settled for the no name cheap one.
After two days he came back and told the clerk he had a name for the cheap toilet paper.
You can call it John Wayne. The clerk sai...

West Indies

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

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Why is it so hard to solve a murder in West Virginia?

There’s no dental records, and the DNA’s all the same!

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A back woods West Virgina man gets engaged.

He rushes home to tell his dad.

"Pa! I met me a woman and we's gonna marry!" His dad replies, "Well, tell me 'bout her!" The son says, "She's beautiful, nice, an a virgin!" At the news the father is visibly upset, "No you ain't gon marry you no virgin! If she ain't good nuff fer her family, s...

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

A dog with his arm in a sling walks into a bar in the old west

He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

How does Kanye West like his eggs?

Over Yeezy

Dad: Your mother is going to the West Indies soon.

Son: Where? Jamaica?

Dad: No, she wanted to go.

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

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What do West Virginians and gourds have in common?

They pumpkin

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If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

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What was the name of the process that supporters of Johnny Appleseed went through to rename West Virginia after him?

The Appalachian Apple Nation Appellation.

Kanye West inspires Donald Trump to become a rapper.

The name of his first album?

"*Orange Is The New Black"*

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TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a ...

A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”
The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the ans...

What do you call it when Kanye West doesn't believe in you?

Ye of little faith.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartend...

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

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Guy in West Virginia gets a girlfriend...

He runs to his dad and says, "I just got a new girlfriend and she's a virgin."
The dad says, "If she's not good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest.

He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed with his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His ...

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So Kanye West has changed his name, How is Ye pronounced?

I keep trying different ways but I keep getting stuck on cunt.

The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes,...

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

Kanye West was hospitalized...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.

He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
...

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One day in the West a rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? Don't touch it.

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

How many Kayne West's does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the bulb and then the world revolves around him.

What do you call a group of platypus in the Wild West?

A plata-posse

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What do you call 32 West Virginia women in a room?

A full set of teeth.

In the Old West

In the Old West, a man robbed a bank in El Paso and rode south. The sheriff quickly formed a posse and they captured him in a small cantina near the Mexican border, but he didn’t have the money. The sheriff decided to interrogate him, but the robber only spoke Spanish, so they got the bartender to t...

Did you ever hear about that army from north-west France that was made up entirely of people using polearms?

Y'know. The Brittany Spears?

Went to the doctors and I said, I hate the west and I want all the infidels dead.

He told me I was going through a mid life Isis

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What's the only bank the jews don't control?

The west one

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Where do West Virginians go for Blind Dates?

Olive Garden..when you're here you're family.

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

If pirates from the Pacific North West say "Shiver me timbers!", what do pirates from Iowa say?

"Shiver me kernels!"

Having grown up in a small secluded area of Key West, I met a new friend who just moved here from New York.

Quite the change from all the hustle & bustle of city life for him. I was excited to hear all about his life there over dinner with his parents in town visiting.

He exclaims: “Stores are massive, and the restaurants are fantastic!”
Then he said; “I went to a lot of topless bars! Grea...

Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early...

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West Virginia Zoo just got a new gorilla!

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. ...

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I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

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How do you find a virgin in West Virginia?

Find a girl who can still run faster than her 12 year-old brother.

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