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West Jokes

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TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

How did Kanye West ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ??

"will i marry you?"

A couple were driving through Canada on their way out west.

After a while it became clear they had made a wrong turn and got lost. The wife consulted the road map but couldn't figure out where they were. They were driving along a rural road when they saw a farmer standing by the road.

"I'll pull over and see if he can help," the husband says.

...

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

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TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.

He really dodged a bullet there.

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West...

Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

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A cowboy enters a Wild West town.

Sees all the streets are empty, only one old man sitting quietly in the sun.

\- Hello sir, - he says. - Where is everybody?

\- Ah, everyone's off hanging Brown-Paper-Joe.

\- Who's that? Never heard of him.

\- Well, it's a guy here who's got a brown paper shirt, a brown pa...

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

Why did so many people in the old west have miniature dauchshunds?

Because cowboys would tell people, "get a long little doggie."

I can't go back to the mid-west and gamble anymore.

Iowa lotta people out there.

Kanye West was hospitalized...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

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A stranger enters a saloon in the Far West.

When the bartender asks who he is, the stranger says: "I'm the best gunslinger in Mexico."
The bartender challenges him.
"Oh yeah? Prove it"
The Mexican replies: "I can draw a piece of art with only 6 bullets, ese".
He takes his colt out of his holster at an incredible speed and shoots ...

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

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Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”
The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the ans...

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One goes East, one goes West...

It is a Friday night, and everyone is heading home for the weekend. An Army Sergeant leaves the base late, heading west for his home. Across town, at another base, an Air Force Sergeant also leaves late, heading east.

The snow starts blowing, and the sun sets. On the highway, both Sergeants ...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

A Family from New York buys a cattle ranch in the West.

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My
wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the
Lazy...

A friend asked me "What do you think about West Africa"

I said "I've never Benin there, but I want Togo there sometime. However, I don't know if I'm Ghana be able to do that, since it's quite expensive."

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.

All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep "Say, where is everyone?"

"They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid," says the barkeep.

" 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man," says the newcomer. "What d...

In the old west

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

\- “Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

\- “Look,” says the first one, “He’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in...

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One day in the West a rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the old west...

He growls, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

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A Tale From The Old West . . .

"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

He looked at the woman and laughed, "H...

Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

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Who's the poorest person in West Virginia?

The Tooth Fairy.

Kanye West

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take...

What was King Tut known as in the wild west?

Rootin' Tutankhamun

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

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A highly successful blonde business woman was headed west

She was on her way to a work conference, driving through Arkansas.

As she's cruising along she comes across a farm and out in the middle of the field is a blonde in a rowboat, surrounded by cows, rowing like mad and going nowhere.

She's pissed. She pulls over and jumps out of her car, ...

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Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the...

In the old West, a lantern was often mounted on a horse for night time travel....

It was thought to be the first generation of 'Saddle-Light-Navigation'.

Told my friend that the wife and I have just come back from a trip in the West Indies.

He said "Jamaica"? I said "Nah, she went of her own accord"

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Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men... or a virgin.

*sorry if this is not new, from WV and my fav.

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Who’s the worse singer to give you directions?

John Denver. He thinks the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley are in West Virginia.

A preacher rides into a town in the old west...

As he's riding into town, his horse keeps stumbling around the street. The reins are finally grabbed by the Sheriff, who says, "This stallion okay?"

The preacher says, "Yes. We passed through a patch of peyote and he ate some. But that aside, I come to tell you of God's good word, to help you...

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two guys traveling out west

One guy has to take a dump. Complains to other guy, but they can't find a rest area. Finally they see a port a pot on the side of the road. Guy runs in there but shouts "THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER!!" other guy shouts back "just use a dollar!!"

Guy comes out in a while and has crap smeared all o...

A dog comes limping into the old west salloon.

Bartender asks if he can help the dog with anything.

Dog says, "I'm lookin for the low down rascal who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the infamous bank robbers in the old wild west? One of them married the other one's sister.

They were both outlaws and in-laws.

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

A man went down from Chicago to the Key West for a holiday.

His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the gri...

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My Favorite Wild West Joke

A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and ...

In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

Why did the non binary prospecter move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.






I saw this online but had to share, don’t come at me if you’ve heard it before

What does the wicked witch of west say when cooking eggs and bacon?

FRY MY PRETTIES!

I was shocked to learn my fathers entire portfolio was invested in Rita Hayworth, Bette Davis, Hedy Lamarr, Mae West and Lauren Bacall...

He tells me it's a broad index fund.

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

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East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Un...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

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What do folks in West Virginia do for Halloween?

Pump Kin

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In West Virginia, a policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine.

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Fun facts about England Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

I like Kanye West as much as the next guy...

...as long as the next guy isn't Kanye West.

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

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A young couple traveling on wild west, decided to ask a cowboy for directions.

The cowboy was sitting in his horse and rolling a cigarette. The man approaches him and says:

"Excuse me, could you tell us how far from here is the closest town?"

The cowboy ignores him and continues rolling his cigarette, and the man pissed off, said:

"Who the fuck do you th...

Out West

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were passing through town on an incredibly hot afternoon. They rode up to a saloon and hitched their horses. The Lone Ranger told Tonto to run circles around the horses to create a draft and keep them cool. Meanwhile he went inside to get a drink. After a couple beers, a fe...

3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"

Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."

Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"

Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"

Inmate 1: "I arrived at...

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If a couple from West Virginia

move to California and get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

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West Virginia State Trooper

A state trooper from West Virginia comes across the scene of a single car accident. Taking stock of the situation he begins to write his report.

First he sees a car overturned by the side of the road and begins to write on his form: “k-a-r in d-i-c-h.” He pauses, thinks to himself, “that doe...

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing.

After naming their kids after directions they're the ones going south.

Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?

Sandy, obviously!

We all know Islam hates the West.

Turns out they hate the North, South and East just as much

I told my friend that my girlfriend went on holiday to the west indies.

He said "Jamaica"...

I said, "No, she went of her own accord." I then added, "For her next holiday, she's off to one of the coldest states in America."

He said "which one"

I said "Alaska".

He said, "don't bother. I'll ask her, myself."

So apparently Kanye West is running for president

My question is, will he let the other candidates finish their speeches?

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

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Be careful who you talk to about religion in West Virginia

You could be talking about sects with a miner!

West Indies

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

If Kanye West is running ...

I think Vanilla Ice should run for president at some point as well. He'd have a solid campaign slogan "If there was a problem, I'll solve it" and he'd make everyone collaborate and listen.

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

Two cowboys were in an old west bar getting drunk

There’s a spittoon that everyone has been using throughout the night to spit their chewing tobacco into. One cowboy challenges the other one to swallow a mouthful from the spittoon for $100.

The other cowboy agrees and tilts the spittoon to his lips. He takes a big gulp as everyone starts t...

How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?

He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.

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How do parents in West Virginia explain underwear to children?

**"Yellow means front, brown means back."**

I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.

The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".

After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he ...

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West Virginia Zoo just got a new gorilla!

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. ...

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

What’s Kanye West’s brilliant economic plan as president?

To put 50 cent into the Treasury

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What type of jokes do West Virginians tell??

Hill areas ones.

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Once this Hick from West Virginia called the Vet because his horse's eyes were crossed.

He brought the Vet to the barn and showed him.

"You see?" said the Hick. "This is my fav'rit horse. I can't have him runnin' around with his eyes crossed like that!"

"I see," said the Vet. "That's an easy fix. Here, stand at the front of the horse and watch his eyes. When they go strai...

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What do Kanye West and Pikachu have in common?

During sex they both yell their own names.

What did settlers eat when they headed west?

Oregon Trail Mix.

I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery.

I just saw a shocking headline about a man in west New York State that was arrested for bestiality.

"Animal Predator Busted in Buffalo"

An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas….

when a strange bird scurried in front of them.

Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, "That's a bird of paradise."

The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, "Long way from home, isn't it?"

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What us the most popular dating app in West Virginia?

23 and me

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A Texan and a West Virginian are on death row…

And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"I apologize to the victim's family."

The execut...

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Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics of Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. Until one day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there is an old sect of priests who know many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh order...

What does Kanye West eat for breakfast?

Omelette you finish this joke.

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West Virginia Ghosts

A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have se...

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

What do you call a town moving West?

A velo-city

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A lone camel driver was about to embark upon a long journey from west Sahara to Egypt.

He packed all the gear he could think of for the journey that would last for a couple of months. No thing had escaped his mind. Lots of water, food, first aid kit, even three toothbrushes to last him the whole way.

Only after a week, well into the desert did it dawn on him that while he had r...

What would you hear if you had Michael Jackson and Kanye West in the same room?

YE-YE.

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

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A back woods West Virgina man gets engaged.

He rushes home to tell his dad.

"Pa! I met me a woman and we's gonna marry!" His dad replies, "Well, tell me 'bout her!" The son says, "She's beautiful, nice, an a virgin!" At the news the father is visibly upset, "No you ain't gon marry you no virgin! If she ain't good nuff fer her family, s...

What's in the west of Westeros?

Westestos.

Kanye West Concedes After Failing to Get 0.5% of Vote in Early Returns

Now he is an electoral college drop out

I was talking to a friend when he said 'My wife's just gone to the West Indies' I asked 'Jamaica?'

'No, she went of her own accord' he replied

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