UPJOKE
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

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Southern Woman

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then ...

What does a tornado and a southern divorce have in common?

Someone is losing their trailer

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2 Southern belles

Two Southern Belles are sittin’ on the veranda,

when one points at the big shiny car in the driveway, and says, “my Daddy bought me that brand-new Cadillac”.

The other nods, sips her julep, and says, “how nice”.

They rock back and forth on the porch swing a moment, and the first...

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Southern Gentleman

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl. Then ...

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Pornhub could increase there viewership in the southern states...

If they just dropped "step" from all titles

Southern France is Nice

But Gibraltar totally rocks!

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How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They wouldn’t bother: Sex abuse is easier to hide in the dark.

What do you call a Southern doctor that specializes in bladders, kidneys, and prostates?

A y'allogist

My friend just bought a house in a coastal city in southern France.

It’s Nice.

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

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A Southern lady sits down next to a Yankee businesswoman on a plane. Trying to be friendly, the Southerner asks, "So, where ya'all from?"

The Yankee sniffs in disdain and replies, "Where I'm from, we don't end our sentences in prepositions!"

The lady, a little shocked by the rudeness says, "Aight, where ya'all from, bitch?"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this…'"

Captain

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: “Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would li...

It was Halloween in a southern town in the USA.

A Boy wanted to wear a costume for Halloween but he didn't own any so he went to his Mother to ask her to go shopping in order to get one. But her mother said, "Oh I think your Father had a ghost costume at home, let me get it!" She later returned and put the costume on the Boy. The Boy said, "The c...

..............a wizard beneath the sheets!’

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad
man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has
been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak t...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them counter-clockwise.

This is due to the corgiolis effect.

Southern

A University of Alabama student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where y’all go to school? " The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or sou...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

Why is a waffle at the beach like a city in Southern California?

Because it's a Sandy Eggo.

I walked up to the barman and asked for Southern Comfort.

He threw a cushion on the floor for me.

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Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a $5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

True Story

Yesterday would have been my stepfather Tom's 75th birthday. To commemorate the occasion, I give you this story.

Back in 2006, I was prepping to relocate from Nebraska back to Southern California, and this meant lots of phone calls between me and my mother. One Friday evening, I called her up...

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A Southern Belle and snobby New York socialite meet at a swanky party.

The southern belle says, “How nice to meet you! Where are y’all from?”

The snob sniffs and says, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

So the belle says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Where are y’all from, *bitch*?”

What does a southern Buddhist say when they die?

“What in reintarnation!”

A man is driving through southern Alabama late at night when his car breaks down

“Just my luck,” he thinks as he decides to start walking. Fortunately, after a quarter mile or so he finds an open, albeit shabby motel. He checks in with the extremely backwoods desk clerk and sees that the place won’t win any Michelin awards, but he just needs a place to lay his head until the mo...

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Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas....

were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child wa...

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Southern Belles

Old joke:

Three southern belles are having lunch and bragging.

1: Well, my husband just bought me a new beach house just to get away when I want to.

2: That's nice!

3: Well, MY husband sends me to Europe every spring with his credit card for me to buy anything I want.
...

What do you call a southern divorce?

A secession from the union.

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

Travelling salesman stops by a farm in Southern Ontario...

A travelling salesman stops by a farm in Southern Ontario... where the farmer has the requisite three beautiful daughters. As he walks up to the farm house he looks over the fence into the pig sty and he notices that one of the pigs has a wooden back leg and is hobbling around.

When he gets ...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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Southern grammar: tied

Y'all might not know it, but southern USA grammar is more complex than up north. We have many different ways of using the same word, with completely different meanings.

Take the word "tied" for instance. You might say two people, or animals "tied up" which means they fought.

You could ...

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

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A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

Obit

Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read...

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

What do you call Norway's southern border?

The Finnish Line.



(I'm sorry if someone had already made this)

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come ...

Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods...

The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

Southern santa be like,

Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night

There's this newcomer to a small Southern town.

His first Sunday there, he walks into town, excited to praise the Lord in his new church with his new neighbors.

But glowering faces step out from the darkness behind the open doors before he even makes it up the stairs. The congregation tells him he has to go to "his" church, which is on the...

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Why aren't Southern Baptists allowed to have sex standing up?

Because it might lead to dancing.

What’s a southerner’s favorite kind of bread?

Inbred!

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?

The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

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Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.


The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."


The seco...

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

The Southern stages of grief:

- Aw naw

- Aw Hell naw

- Y’all done up and done it naw

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Firemen

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene " that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop " on the edge of tow...

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

A lil southern humor

What do you call a crawfish in a hairpiece?

Crawfish etoupee

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Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.

The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ...

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Southerners are weirdly obsessed with ending hunger among Jews

Any time I visit my relatives down South, the first thing they ask is *Jew eat yet?*

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A Southern minister began preaching to his congregation about sin

"I know you've sinned, brothers, I want to hear you confess your sins so that you may be forgiven. Tell it all, brothers, tell it all!"

A man in the front row stood up and said "Preacher, I been drinkin'. I been going out on Friday nights and drinkin' with my sorry friends."

The prea...

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A shy guy walks up to a southern prostitute

“What I can you- What can do-” he stutters,
unable to finish his sentence,

“What can I do ya for cutie?”

“Yes, thank you, that’s what I meant.”

What do you call Southern Protestant finger bones?

Phalangelicals

My Southern friends are like "K"s

they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist

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Me and the missus were touring southern France looking for interesting places to have sex, and we found the perfect city for a 69

Nice.

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A southern Sheriff is driving down the road...

and sees a naked man tied to a tree. “What happened to you?” asks the Sheriff. “Oh, it was awful”, the man says. “I was hitchhiking and my last ride pulled a gun on me, took my wallet and clothes, and left me here to die.”

The Sheriff pulls his cock out and says “Today just isn’t your day...

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[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, b...

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A southern girl and a northern girl meet.

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The g...

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

An old southern farmer is out one day with his dog repairing a fence row when suddenly part of it bursts into flames..

Wow I did not expect this post to blow up.

Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

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A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden. He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.

He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"

Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex,...

What's the rarest category on Jeopardy?

Contestants with southern accents

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers’ request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machin...

Where do southern viking descendants go after death?

Y'allhalla

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

What do southerners do in their free time

their sister

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

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I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

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What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers

A virgin

3 Drunken southern men are asking for one more round of drinks

The bartender says “no way, look at how drunk you’ve become!”

The 3 drunk southerners keep insisting.

The bartender says “Alright, whoever can name the southern most state in America gets another drink.

The 1st drunk Shouts “TEXAS! it’s where most people in the world think of wh...

I asked my Latino friend if Mexicans are offended by all the talk of building a wall on the southern border...

He said, "Eh... we'll get over it"

What’s the difference between a tornado in the south and a southern divorce?

Nothing, somebody’s losing the trailer.

- Robin Williams

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According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression?” he ...

What did one southern swamp say to the other southern swamp when it was going home?

Bayou!

A Southern man goes into a New England bar.

He orders a beer and, making small talk, asks the bartender, "Did y'all go to Hahvurd?"

The bartender replies, "Yale."

"Okay," says the Southern man. "DID Y'ALL GO TO HAHVURD?"

Why are Southerners so bad at managing money?

They only talk with drawls.

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!



As the two people from different regi...

How many southern police officers does it take to fix a lightbulb?

5. The other 4 are busy beating the room for being black.

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...

Why not go to southern France?

There's nothing Toulouse

Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....

So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

What did the southern side of the tree say to the northern side when it died?

“I’m sorry for your moss”

I made this up and I apologise. It’s awful.

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

Why don’t Southern girls like orgies?

Because of all the thank you notes they’d have to write...

What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

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What do Southerners have in common with peanut butter?

They are both usually in bread.

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

How many Southerners does it take to change a light bulb?

300. One to actually change it and the rest of them to talk about how “good” the old one was.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

Southern States Have Declared A Shift In Strategy to Encourage Their Residents To Wear Masks

KKK members are now permitted to wear their masks in public places

why is reverse cowgirl position not popular in southern states?

because you do not turn your back on the family

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

President Trump was told there were at least 12 Brazilians in the migrant caravan headed to the Southern border...

Mr President turned to his Defense Secretary and whispered: "how much is a brazillion?"

How do southern Chinese people say hi?

Ni-Howdy

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I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

What do you call it when 2 Southern people betray each other?

Betra-y'all

What do you call an unsuccessful migrant trying to illegally cross the U.S. southern border?

A Mexi*cant*

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm

He knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yerpa home?" The farmer asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." <...

What do a Southern pastor and McDonald’s have in common?

They both like to stick their meat in between ten-year-old buns.

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