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Artificial Jokes

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?

Natural stupidity!
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Artificial Intelligence

My wife says I'm too paranoid about smart devices, and that I simply watched too many movies where machines turn against humanity.

The other day I told my wife a joke in the kitchen. She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed; I shot the toaster... good times.
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What do you call a homosexual artificial intelligence

Chat GBT

Who would steal an artificial leg?

***I'm stumped.***
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I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.
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Artificial Intelligence & Counter Intelligence

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.


Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes ...

I've always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavours....

.....and furniture polish is made from real lemons ?
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Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers?

because it’s not designed to be useless
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How do you view Kansas in artificial reality?

ARKANSAS
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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners
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What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence
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Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because they're never wrong
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Don't tell me that old joke about artificial gravity...

I'm not going to fall for it
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I became best friends with my artificially intelligent remote control quadcopter named "ROTOR".

He is my **pal** n **drone**.
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I bought several books on how to overcome artificial intelligence.

I saw them advertised on my Facebook.
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An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.
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I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store
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I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?
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I don’t believe in artificially inducing labor

A child should not have to start its life with an eviction notice.
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You shouldn’t make fun of pets with artificial limbs.

It’s a faux paw
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Artificial Insemination

A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this mea...

My cow just got artificially inseminated.

No bull.
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I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

I bought my girlfriend an artificial leg for Christmas this year

I thought it would make a great stocking filler
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Why did the blonde sniff artificial sweetener?

Because she thought it was Diet Coke
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When I put up my artificial Christmas tree every year I hate bending all the branches back in to shape. This year I advertised on Craigslist for a "fluffer."

Boy, did I get a lot of weird responses.
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One cow says to another, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

The second cow replies, "No way, I don't believe you."

The first says, "It's true, no bull."
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Hey girl, are you a large concrete structure forming an artificial lake?

...because dam.
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Why do Artificially Intelligent systems fear popcorn?

Kernel panic.
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Artificial Intelligence

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Ope...
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I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...
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Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.
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Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.

Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.


Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.
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What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?

Alexus.
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Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.
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How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?

It starts to think its bot is too big.
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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

What did the artificial Pokemon say after being greeted, "Merry Christmas"?

Mewtwo.
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Why are artificial eyes made from glass?

They gotta be see-through
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What is a programmer's favorite artificial meat flavoring?

A boolean cube
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What do you call a movie about artificial orange juice?

Pulp Fiction
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What does artificial light consist of?

Fauxtons
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A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.
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What do you call a Marine wearing an Air Force uniform?

Artificial intelligence
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Did you hear the urban legend about the creepy ghost that appears when you use artificial sweetener?

He's called Splendaman.
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NSFW. The guy in charge of artificial insemination at the turkey farm...

is collecting turkey sperm like every other day when he turns to see one of the male turkeys approaching him. The turkey stops at the man's feet, looks up and calls out:

Turkey: "Gobble, gobble"

Man: "Piss off! You're getting a handjob like the rest of them".

You are what you think you are

Her: What do you do?

Me: Global prosthetics distribution.

Her: So you’re an artificial limb salesman?



Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...
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What do you call the process of a robot clearing its artificial nose?

An olfactory reset.
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Son asks his father why does he speak so lightly at home? Father replies because there is artificial intelligence that listens to everything we say.

Son laughs, the dad laughs, Alexa laughs
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Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

Achtung Mankind

The fact that artificial intelligence has learned to draw is nothing. Think about what will happen when he is not accepted into the Vienna Academy of Arts.
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Apparently Google recently discovered 2 of their artificial intelligence robots were communicating with each other in their own language. We don't know what they were saying, but I think it's safe to say

that one of them was being sexually harassed.

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Oka...
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What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener

Badum tss.
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"All the women that want to go on a date with me are such robots," I told my brother.

"You're wrong," he said, "all the women that want to go on a date with you are the opposite of robots."

"What? How?"

"One's artificial intelligence and the other is genuine stupidity."
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This general goes to war and loses his left eye

(Translating this joke from Urdu to English. Let's see how it goes)

This general goes to war and loses his left eye so he visits the eye doctor and asks the doctor his options. The doctor tells him that he could put an artificial eye in his left eye socket. The general agrees and after a few ...

My New OS

So I programmed an new Operating System.

I named it as a "Tetra-Hedral Artificial Neural Operating System."



Unfortunately, ThanOS took over my computer and wiped out half my files.
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A while ago I did a #trashtag cleanup of all the beverage containers in the local partying spot near an old stream in the hills, and just revisited it.

It looks so much better now that it doesn't even look real.

There's something that's almost artificial about it, it's so pristine.

It just looked a little... off, and it was hard to figure out what was wrong.

Eventually I realized why.

It was the uncanny valley effect.
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Gummi Worms

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I picked up a bag of gummy worms today. I've got to say I don't really understand their marketing strategy. The bag says 'no artificial flavors.'" the guy says. "I'm just curious who buys a bag of gummy worms hoping they taste as close to real worms as poss...
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A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The f...
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What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener
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Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.
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Swedish inventors have created cyborgs which are hard to distinguish from real humans.

Critics are concerned about the use of artificial Swedeners.
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The Farmer

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant b...

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Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, ...

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...
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Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...
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I always wanted to be a sugar daddy....

...turns out I only have the money for being some sort of artificial sweetener daddy.
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Dance

A guy lost an eye and all he could afford was a wooden carved replacement. Needless to say, he was very self-conscious about it. Once a friend convinced him to go to a dance. He stood around the edge of the dance floor for a long time and spotted a nice looking lady with an artificial leg. Muste...

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...
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What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener
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A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator...

...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.
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What do cuckoo clocks and twitter bots have in common?

They both use artificial tweetener
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Eve eating the apple marked..

.. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.
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If you can't become a citizen of Scandinavia through the naturalization process, what could you do?

You use artificial Sweden-er!
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Timmy Got a Job!

Timmy boy, a young hobo who left home in search for wealth, got his 14th job in the 3 months he has been traveling. His first shift at Bob’s Animal Candies Inc. started at 9 am, Tuesday. After working for hours at the breath fresheners’ line, he began to get bored, so Timmy decided to take a break t...
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Yesterday night I was talking to my wife about euthanasia

I insisted that in case I become incapacitated in any way, I wish to be taken off all the equipment that keeps me artificially alive and left to die in peace.

She said ok and then stood up, turned off the TV and the computer and threw away the beer.
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