What did England say to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland when it saw they were upset?

UK?

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota....

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and ...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ...

Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this…'

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian...

... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camero...

Texans call Northerners snowflakes...

...yet they can't handle a single snowflake.

My first grader made this one up: What do you call the northern lights when they're not very interesting?

Aurora Boringalis

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

What do you call a northern Irish hunger strike?

A Bel Fast

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

A man n northern Manitoba survived a bear attack using only a .22 pistol he had in case of emergencies

His friend that he shot in the knee was not as lucky

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

Zoos?

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?



At a Northern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and info about it's habitat.

At a Southern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and recipes.

In northern Spain, do they call it sun-bathing?

Or is it Basqueing?

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar

The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

What did the crowd say when a fighter from northern Europe was about to kill?

Finnish him!

The other day I downloaded the maps of Wales, England, Scotland and Northern Ireland for an assignment...

was shocked to see that the total file size was 1GB.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

A king sends a scout to the northern part of his territory.

The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report.
"Your Grace, the northerners are revolting!"


The King replies, "I do know that they don't take a bath that often, but isn't it a bit too rude to call them that?"

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

Why do Northern Europeans never get stuff done late

They’re already Finished

What did the Canadian say when asked how she felt about the Northern provivences?

“I like Nunavit”

What do you call someone from Northern Syria who took refuge in Wisconsin?

A cheese Kurd.

ǝɹǝɥdsᴉɯǝɥ uɹǝɥʇnos ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ ǝɹ,ǝʍ ǝsnɐɔǝq ʇsnɾ uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝɹ,ǝʍ ʎɐs sʎɐʍlɐ ǝldoǝd uǝɥʍ ǝʇɐɥ I puɐ uɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ oslɐ ɯ,I

Stupid Northern hemisphere folk..

How much of northern Canada is livable?

*Nunavut*

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I am sad to announce that the Duracell bunny has died...

...from sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going and going he kept on coming and coming and coming...

Good Trade !

I remember once when I was driving home from one of my business trips through Northern Arizona, when I saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he'd would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, ...

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

Why is incest illegal in northern Europe?

All the builders complain about an uneven Finnish.

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It’s called the Corgi-olis Effect.

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!



As the two people from different regi...

I'm from Northern Ireland, and my life is LEGEN ... wait for it ...

DARY/LONDONDARY.

A Northern Irishman joins a handbell choir...

They decide to play a fast-paced complex piece. Soon, they realize no one can play the fastest part of the song. They go around and ask all the performers if they can play. Everyone they ask, unfortunately, can not perform the segment. Finally, they ask the Irishman is he can perform the segment. He...

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A southern girl and a northern girl meet.

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The g...

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A Northern Virginian dies and wakes up in Hell

He is surprised that Maryland can wake the dead.

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."

Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. D...

What's the difference between a northern Maine woman and a moose?

'bout 50 pounds and a flannel shirt

I met a mugger in northern Germany.

He said "Hannover your wallet!"

The Tour Bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly by the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.

The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"

What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California?

Hellacopters

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

I just visited a posh strip club in Northern Canada.

They call it Brrrlesque.

What did the southern side of the tree say to the northern side when it died?

“I’m sorry for your moss”

I made this up and I apologise. It’s awful.

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan..

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” t...

Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada...

They find a guide who tells them he'll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one. He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injurin...

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Why can't Roy Moore live in a Northern state?

Because if the outside temperature drops into the teens he might try to fuck it

Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes. I heard this one from my dad.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, ...

Beer Money

Max & Arlene lived by a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was early winter, and the lake had frozen over.

Max asked Arlene if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, just put it on our tab.”

S...

How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hella

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Northerners

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days. 

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?' 

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'...

How do you tell the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?

A Northern zoo has a large plaque in front of each animal cage. The plaque list the genus, species, common name, average life span, habitat and diet of the animal.

A Southern zoo has a recipe in from of each animal cage.

[Game of Thrones] How do you ask a Northerner if they are of noble descent?

Arya Stark?

The naming of Canada

Long ago, in a stuffy statehouse, a group of men, living in the northern part of the North American Continent sat around thinking of what to name their new country.


Man 1: So, I don't wanna be stepping on any toes here but I think our country should have a C, eh?

Man 2: Dont'cha...

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If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named?

Cause then there would be Nosex!

Why don't the French enjoy travelling to Northern Ireland?

Because they don't like the smell of Derry air.

My company moved offices and wanted to transfer my job to northern Canada

But I was having nunavut.

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Fred and George went on a camping trip.

After a long day of trekking, they laid their camp, had dinner and went off to sleep for the night.

Later however, George was awakened by a nudge from Fred.

Fred: What do you see, George?

George: I see the moonless sky, the stars.

Fred: ...and?

George: ..and..the c...

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In Belfast, Northern Ireland...

A man walking down a dark alley is stopped by a thug with a revolver.
"Freeze, ya Protty bastard!" Says the Thug, "Yer a dead man!"
"Don't shoot!" Cries the man, "I'm not a protestant! "

The Thug smiles "A-ha! I knew it! Time to die ya croppy Papist shite!"

"Don't shoot!" Cries t...

Doctor wants to Deer hunting, asks for Ole's help. Northern Minnesota joke, read in accent for more fun.

An old man came into the restaurant I work at the other day and told me this story. I thought it was pretty funny.

A Doctor wants to go deer hunting. He's asking to get someone to cover his shift, but none of the other doctors would come in for him, and he already made plans and everything an...

A joke for (and by) Northern Irish people.

Made from two redditors' comments on the death of Paisley.

"Thatcher and Paisley within 18 months of each other; somewhere in West Belfast there's a bloke wondering what his third wish should be."

What is a "yankee?"

To those from elsewhere, a Yankee is an American.

To Americans, a Yankee is a Northerner.

To northerners, a Yankee is an Easterner.

To easterners, a Yankee is an New Englander.

To New Englanders, a Yankee is a Vermonter.

And in Vermont, a Yankee is somebody who eat...

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