A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She said: "They're right behind you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian says "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

A man walks into a library

Looking around nervously, he asked in a quiet voice if the librarian knows of any books about paranoia. The Librarian quietly replies in a whisper: "They're right behind you ..."

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!


​

​

​

I'm so sorry

It took so much time to get to the library, and I wound up taking a nap anyway

tl;dr Too long, didn't read

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian s...

Man walks to library

He goes up to the librarian, : "can i have an hotdog?"
Librarian: "sorry sir but this is a library."
Man: "oh sorry!

"Says quietly": "can i have an hotdog?"




Sorry for bad english

Jimmy went to the library.

At the the library he said to the librarian “Can I get a hamburger.” The librarian responds “ Sir this is a library.” Jimmy whispers “Sorry can I have a hamburger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records up until...

I got kicked out of the library for being inappropriate...

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a library.....

And asks the girl at the desk," Do you have that book about small penis's?"

Girl, "I don't think it's in yet"

Man, "yes, that's the one"

I tried renting a quiet room in a library yesterday

They said "sorry, we're booked"

A chicken walks into a library and says:

"Book book book."

​

The librarian hands the chicken 3 books. On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog.

The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:

"Book book book."

The frog replies:

"Reddit reddit reddit."

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...

I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

A blond girl goes into a library

and asks "I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"


The librarian a tad taken aback goes "Lady, you do know that you're at the library, right?"

The blond girl goes "Shoot, I'm sorry" then she whispers
" I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"

A guy asked a girl in the library

"Do you mind if i seat beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice"
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:<...

I WOULD tell you about the secret underground library...

But its very hush hush

Sony came up with a game software that switches between games in your library when it sees you are losing interest in the one you are playing

It's a game changer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

A Frenchmen goes to a library for a book he wants about warfare.

He asks the librarian at the front desk for a book about warfare. The librarian simply responds, “You’ll just lose it.”

I borrowed a book from the library the other day..

..it was all about surgery.

It wasn't until I got home that I realised someone had taken the appendix out.

I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A man goes into a library

He picks up a copy of Thucydides, looks at it for a while, then sets it down and looks at a copy of Herodotus. The librarian approaches him and says "ah, into the kinky stuff, are you?" "Excuse me?" the man replies. "It's just, I can see you're browsing history."

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

Christmas in the Library

What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a library and a toilet have in common?

Both are places where assholes go to be loud and obnoxious

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

Q: What is the world's tallest building?

A: The library because it has the most stories.

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

How do you organize a library of sound?

By using the Dewey Decibel system.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good old boy from Mississippi gets accepted to Yale. On the first day on campus, he stops a student and asks "Where is the library at?"

The students seems non-plussed, and says with condescension, "At Yale, sir, we don't end questions with a preposition."

Unfazed, the good old boy says, "Ok, so where's the library at, ASSHOLE?"

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits Harvard

Visitor in Harvard Square: "Excuse me, where's the library at?"

Harvard student: "Sir, this is Harvard. We don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Visitor: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"

Guy walks into a library.

He saunters up to the main desk and roars as loudly as he can at one of the librarians “CAN I GET A BURGER AND FRIES PLEASE MY DUDE!!!”. The librarian gives him a withering look and says “Excuse me, this is a library!”. Guy responds in a quiet whisper “my apologies, can I get a burger and fries plea...

A blonde walks into a library...

...marches right up to the desk and proclaims loudly " I would like to order a burger and fries!" The librarian is shocked and states, "Ma'am, this is a library". "Ohh", replies the blond and then whispered " I would like to order a burger and fries".

I lost my job at the library today

I was sorting through the books putting them back into the correct section and put the women’s rights book in the fiction section.

Still wondering what I did wrong...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

Library has a CASE on their hands...

My local library has been attempting to stop a random series of book destruction. Apparently someone is tearing up the pages in all of the books in the donation bin. The librarians aren't sure what to do though...

&#x200B;

...They don't negotiate with Tearrorists.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

A man walked into the library and asked the librarian if the library had any books about Pavlov's dog and schrodinger's cat?

After thinking a moment the librarian responded," It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

A man walks into a library ...

Man, to librarian: **"I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, and a large coke."**

Librarian (whispering): "Sir, you are at the library."

Man (now whispering): "Oh, I'm sorry. I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, and a large coke."

A chicken walks into a library...

...goes up to the desk and says "Bok." The librarian hesitates for a bit, but hands the chicken a book. Looking satisfied, the chicken walks out.
The next day, the chicken comes back, returning the book. Then it says "Bok. Bok. Boook." The librarian is amazed how quickly the chicken read the boo...

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

Went to the library to get a book co-written by Pavlov and Schroedinger.

Librarian said "it rings a bell but I'm not sure if we have it in or not"

A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

A chicken walks into a library...

... and goes up to the librarian at the front desk.

**Librarian**: Can I help you?

**Chicken** (stares at her for a minute, then says): Book!

The librarian is confused, but gives the chicken a random book, who looks happy and leaves.

The next day, the chicken returns look...

A man walks into a library

-Excuse me, do you have books about diarrhea?


-Yes, sir


-Great, I'll need three pages

A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"

So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"

Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and ...

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning.

They also ripped out pages from the end. It just went from “bad” to “worse”.

A blonde walked into a library

Wait that’s not the whole joke!

And she asked the librarian, “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, “ Miss, this is library.”
The blonde whisper, “ Do you have pasta?”

I was reading a book about lubrication in the library.

I found it in the non-friction section.

A fellow at the library asked me where the self help section is...

but I told him that would defeat the purpose.