This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

A man walks into a library. “Where are your books on BDSM?”

The librarian does not look up from her reference book. “I’m sorry sir, they are still being bound.”

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Dwarf enters the library

"One book on discrimination of dwarves, please." - says the dwarf

"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf."

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and ...

The chicken walked into a library...

chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once...

I got distracted while studying Reading a book about abdominal pain in the library last night

Someone ripped out the appendix

Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library?

Because he's Supreme Reader

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger

The librarian says, "This is a library."

The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from out of state was roaming around the Harvard campus, a bit lost, when he came upon a distinguished looking gentleman reading on a park bench, possibly a professor. The guy asked him politely - "Hey, where's the library at?". The man looked up with a frown, and responded "This is Harvard,

good sir, we don't end our sentences with a preposition".

To which the guy replied - "My apologies. Where the library at, asshole?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

A chicken goes into a library.

He goes up to the counter.

“Book book book!” He squawks.

Amused, the librarian grabs three random books from the return stack and gives them to the chicken who leaves with them.

The next day the chicken returns the three books and says “book book book” again. He gets his three ...

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "buk".

So the librarian gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks outside with the book and comes back 5 minutes later without the book.

"Buk, buk" says the chicken again, so the librarian gives it another book, it walks outside and returns with no book.

"Buk, buk" it says, and the same ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the library looking for the book about small penises

The librarian said, "It's not in yet." I replied, "That's the one!"

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

A man enters a library and

approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”

“Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

A Blonde decides she want to join the police...

She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.


The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'


1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'


Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'


2nd qstn: 'What the square root o...

In a library a guy asked a girl if he could sit beside her.

To this the girl shouted her reply saying: I dont wanna sleep with you at night pervert. Embarrassed the guy went to sit somewhere else.
After a few minutes the girl quietly went to the guy and told: I study psychology and can understand human mind and behavior. You were embarrassed weren't you? ...

[Library] Me: I want to learn more about corals.

Librarian: You’ll find them under C.

Me: I already know where they live, sir. I wanna learn more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

I just got a new job at the prison library

It has its prose and cons.

A man enters a library

A man enters a library and asks for a book about suicide.

Librerian:
"I really can't give you one"

Man:
"Why?"

Librerian:
"You won't return it"

A village idiot walks into a library

He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."

The librarian says, "Sure, hon. Which one?"

The idiot says, "William".

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...

So I took a trip to the library to see if they
had a copy.


The librarian said that my description rang a
bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

A Swedish man shows up to a job interview

The interviewer says, "Mr. Gustafson, could you explain the 4 year gap in your resume?"

"I went to Yale", he replied.

"Outstanding! What did you go to Yale for?"

"Yacking off in the library"

When I want to read fiction, I go to the library.

When I want to read nonfiction, I go to the truthbrary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

I tried making a reservation at the library...

..they said that they were fully booked.

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library.

Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.

He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."

I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."

Two old men sat in a library and one asked the other have you read Marx?

I think it comes from sitting on these wicker chairs for too long he replied

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed

At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”

The librarian thinks for a second, then respon...

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A freshman at Harvard wanted to go to the library

So he stopped and asked a senior student, “Do you know where the library is at?”

The senior looks disgustingly at him, and, with a snobbish tone replied, “Hmph! We here at Harvard never end our sentences with prepositions!”

“I’m sorry”, the freshman apologises, “I meant to say, do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys sees a pretty girl sitting alone in a library...

He leans over and asks her "Do you mind if I sit with you?".

The girl answers loudly "Hell no I don't want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!"

Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly say...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

A Man Calls Home to His Wife...

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, "Hello ". The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, "Sir, your wife... Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!". The husband is shocked and doesn't speak for a minute....

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

I called the library and asked if they could tell me when the Mesozoic Era started.

She said, "About 250 million years ago."

I said, "Could you be more specific? It's for homework."

She said, "Hang on a minute."

She came back and said, "It started September 17, two-hundred and fifty-one million years BC."

A blonde walked in to a library

-Hello! She said
Do you have any chicken sandwiches here?
The librarian answered: im sorry this is a library
The blonde then whispered *do you have any chicken sandwiches?*

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

Turtle research

Library Patron: Excuse me, do you have any books on turtles?

Librarian: Hardback?

Patron: Yes, with little heads and feet

Found a Chinese history book in the library...

It reads "In 1989 ***Nothing Happened***".

Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say

‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The ...

A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book"

The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"

The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"

A blonde walks into a library

A blonde walks into a library. She asks the librarian:

Can I get a chicken salad?

The librarian answers: sorry, this is a library

The blonde responds: Oh, right! (Whispering) Can I get a chicken salad?

Just found out they have opened a new library in my town...

They kept that quiet.

A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books

But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building.

In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down

Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

What happens in a library bathroom?

People take shhhhhhhits

Scottish Trade

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

I tried to make a reservation at the library yesterday, but couldn't...

Turns out, they're completely booked!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

My mother told me not to yell in the library.

It was sound advice.

I was conceived in the isles of a library

I am a shelf made man

A university student placed an inter-library loan request for Your Mom

The file was too large to be delivered.

Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?

They use their Endor voices.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for the Encyclopedia of Loud Noises.

The librarian responds: "Absolutely! Which volume would you like?"

A blonde walks into the library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook...

What's a library ?

It's like the internet, but made of trees.

I recently discovered Steam...

...where you have a library of your games you can just stop and start at ease from one intuitive screen.

It's a gamechanger.

You better call early if you want a reservation at the library today.

They’re usually fully-booked.

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!








I'm so sorry

A drunk walks into a library...

A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”

The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”

The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whis...

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was once in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then I got kicked out of the library

Karen walks into a library

She goes to the librarian says,
"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please"

Librarian looks at her puzzled and says
"This is a library Miss"

Karen replied,
"Oh yes sorry"
(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'

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