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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

A man walks into a library

He sits down and says to the librarian “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries. The librarian says “sir, this is a library”. The man goes “Oh, I’m sorry. ^I’ll ^have ^a ^cheeseburger ^and ^fries”

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

A woman walks into a library and asks where books about paranoia are.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny.

But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in.

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

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A man walks into the library looking for a book...

After looking around, he walks up to the front desk and asks"Hey, I am looking for a book about micropenises but can't seem to find it."The librarian responds"I am sorry, I don't think it's in yet""That's the one!"

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

As I walked into my library, a book fell on my head.

I only blame my shelf.

I took my son to the library today

He is really into dinosaur books, so I asked the librarian if she knew of any good authors of dinosaur books.

She said "Try Sarah Topps"

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into a library, turns to the librarian.
The librarian asks the chicken 'what can I do for you?'
Chicken replies with 'booook.'
The librarian gives the chicken a book and it walks away and leaves the library. The chicken comes back 5 minutes later with the book and gives it...

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

A man walks into a library...

Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?

Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.

A chicken walks into a library

... and says to the librarian:

”Book, book, book”

The librarian hand the chicken three books. On the way out, the chicken encounters a frog. The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:

”Book, book, book.”

The frog replies:

”Reddit, reddit, reddit.”

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Both of his books have turned into ashes. He couldn’t even finish colouring the second one.

A drunk walks into a library...

A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”

The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”

The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whis...

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

Chicken walks into a library

It says book so librarian gives it a book.
Goes back and says book book, so librarian gives two books.
Comes back again and says book book book, so librarian gives 3 books.

Librarian wonders how the chicken reads the books so fast, so follows it home. Turns out the chicken is looking af...

What did the frog say when he returned the book to the library?


I got kicked out of the library

They booted me out because I moved all of the books on trickle-down economics to the fiction section

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

A man walks into a library

He asks the librarian:
"Do you have any good psychological thrillers?"

The librarian, panicking, leans down and yells into the microphone:

"Security needed at the entrance hall! Patient D56 has escaped his cell again!"

The man answers:

"Any others? I think I've read t...

Aliens landed at my local library this morning.

Their first words to us were: "Take me to your reader."

A blonde goes into a library...

A blonde walks into a library and marches right up to the librarian and says "I'd like a hamburger with fries please". The puzzled librarian says "I'm sorry miss, but this is a library". So the blonde whispers, "I'm sorry, may I have a hamburger with fries".

So I went to the library...

I had to go to the library to book a private study room. Once there, I asked the lady if there is one that is available.

Imagine my disappointment when she said, sorry hun, we are fully BOOKED.

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian s...

Chicken in a Library

A young librarian is amazed during his first day at work to see a chicken stride into the library with an armful of books. The chicken walks up to him and deposits the book on the desk. Apart from a little pond weed on one of the pages, they were all fine and within the lending period, in fact, they...

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

Why does the library have so many floors?


I'm so sorry

My friend has been up in court for defacing library books

He was discovered tippexing all the full stops out, the judge said he should expect a long sentence.

I forgot my second "N" before going to work at the library today...

...let's just say this blunder will go down in the "Anals of History".

What system was used to keep track of the Millennium Falcon's Library?

The Chewie-decimal system

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

A blonde goes to the library to get a book.

A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

It took so much time to get to the library, and I wound up taking a nap anyway

tl;dr Too long, didn't read

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Jimmy went to the library.

At the the library he said to the librarian “Can I get a hamburger.” The librarian responds “ Sir this is a library.” Jimmy whispers “Sorry can I have a hamburger.

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

A blond girl goes into a library

and asks "I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"

The librarian a tad taken aback goes "Lady, you do know that you're at the library, right?"

The blond girl goes "Shoot, I'm sorry" then she whispers
" I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"

I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...

I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"

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My penis used to be in the Guinness book of world records

At least it was until I got kicked out of the library

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

I borrowed a book from the library the other day.. was all about surgery.

It wasn't until I got home that I realised someone had taken the appendix out.

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I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

I WOULD tell you about the secret underground library...

But its very hush hush

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

A man goes into a library

He picks up a copy of Thucydides, looks at it for a while, then sets it down and looks at a copy of Herodotus. The librarian approaches him and says "ah, into the kinky stuff, are you?" "Excuse me?" the man replies. "It's just, I can see you're browsing history."

My wife asked me to do some DIY to build some storage for our collection of encyclopaedias..

But I'm no good at DIY, so I went to the library to find out how to do it and asked the lady behind the desk..
"Do you have any books on shelves?"

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My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records.

Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.

the lady said, "hardback?"

I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

Christmas in the Library

What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

hey guys

some people down at the library asked me to design a sign for a summit they're hosting on japanese syllabic poetry, and i want a second opinion.

haiku appreciation
conference inside

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I finally quit watching porn.

My library card expired

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I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a library and a toilet have in common?

Both are places where assholes go to be loud and obnoxious

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

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