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Library Jokes

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

The Library

This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.

Here it goes:

A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams “MA’AM I’LL ...

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed

At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”

The librarian thinks for a second, then respon...

So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A visit to the library

A man went to the library and asked the librarian if she had the new book about having a small penis?
The librarian looks on her computer for a good minute and can't seem to find it registered in the system anywhere, before she finally says "I don't know if it's in yet".


The man re...

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

A chicken walks into a library...

...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book.

Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my girlfriend to the library to show her that my penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

But the librarian told me to take it out!

A man walks into a library

He sees the most beautiful librarian behind the counter. He says "Will you go on a date with me? "

She replies "No. I'm fully booked"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approaches a librarian in a library

He shouts at her, "EXCUSE ME MISS, CAN I HAVE A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER PLEASE?"

The librarian replies "Sir, please, this is a library."

He whispers back, "Oh, sorry. Excuse me Miss, can I have a fucking cheeseburger please?"

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading bo...

The library books…

There once was a woman who usually took her young son to the library, and helped him pick out books. One week she was busy, so she dropped him off, and said he could pick some books while she shopped. After running her errands, she returned to the library and picked him up. On the way home, the woma...

So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles

"Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."

A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"

So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"

Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and ...

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "buk".

So the librarian gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks outside with the book and comes back 5 minutes later without the book.

"Buk, buk" says the chicken again, so the librarian gives it another book, it walks outside and returns with no book.

"Buk, buk" it says, and the same ...

A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

An Irishman walks into a Library

An Irishman walks into a Library and asks loudly: "One Fish and Chips please."

The Librarian gives him a confused look and says "Sir, this is a Library."

The Irishman apologises, leans forward and whispers: *"One Fish and Chips please."*

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

Christmas in the Library

What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night

I walked into a library.

"Have you got any books on single life?" I asked the librarian.

"Sorry," she said. "They're all taken."

I couldn’t go to the library today

i was totally booked……

A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian:

"Book, book, book."

The librarian hands the chicken three books. On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog.
The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:

"Book, book, book."

The frog replies:

"Reddit, reddit, reddit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The library building based on the Dewey Decimal System

My town's new library has its floors organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Books with a code from 001 to 099 are in the basement, and books with a code from 900 to 999 are on the top floor, for example. Books with a code from 100 to 199 are on the street-level floor by the main entrance. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

Library

Why did the library refuse to lend a German a book on the second world war?
Because they lost the first one.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

I got kicked out of the library

They booted me out because I moved all of the books on trickle-down economics to the fiction section

A snake and a librarian in a library

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words.

How do you organize a library of sound?

By using the Dewey Decibel system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the sapiosexual go to the library on a date?

Because they were looking for a novel romance!

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*

My friend Mark works in a library

He is a bookmark.

I went to the library to check out a medical book on abdominal pain

but when I got it home, I found that someone had ripped out the appendix.

A WOMAN stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,

“I have a complaint.”

“Yes, Ma’am ?”

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible.”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever.”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ah. So, you must be the person who took our pho...

I visited the library the other day.

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoid delusions were kept.
She leaned in close to me and whispered,

"They're behind you!"

I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants.

The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.

I just got a new job at the prison library

It has its prose and cons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys sees a pretty girl sitting alone in a library...

He leans over and asks her "Do you mind if I sit with you?".

The girl answers loudly "Hell no I don't want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!"

Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly say...

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

...

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A drunk walks into a library...

He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!

***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

A blonde goes into a library.

She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."

The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"

"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*...

What's the best type of dog to bring to a library?

A hush puppy

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "Yo...

Dwarf enters the library

"One book on discrimination of dwarves, please." - says the dwarf


"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf."

A man goes to the library

He asks the librarian: "do you have '1000 ways to commit a suicide?' "

"Sorry, the last one didn't return it".

A man is in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence.

The Donald Trump Presidential Library burned down last week.

Sadly, both books were lost, and one of them had just barely been coloured in.

An old man walks into a library

He walks up to the librarian and says “Get me a scotch.”
The librarian says, “Sir this is a library, not a bar.”
“Oh I’m sorry.” the old man replies, and he leans in to whisper *Get me a scotch*

A guy goes into the library...

He tells the librarian, "I'm looking for a book of jokes with disappointing punchlines."

The librarian shows him exactly what he's looking for.

a man walks into a library

and says in a loud voice “can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

the librarian replies in a firm but quiet voice ‘Sir, you’re in a library’

the man whispers ‘Sorry, can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

A Blonde Walks into a Library

A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.

She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"

The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."

Did you hear you can't make reservations at the library?

They're fully booked!

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

The chicken walked into a library...

chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once...

Chicken walks into a library

So a chicken walks into a library and walks up to the librarian and goes 'bok, bok'.

Surprised, the librarian gives the chicken two books. The next day the chicken is back with a request for 'bok, bok, bok'. This carries on for several days and finally after 'bok, bok, bok, bok, bok' and 5 b...

Why did the architect get fired for his library design?

Because It only had one Story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

I’ve just seen someone get knocked over by a mobile library, as he was on the floor screaming and shouting due to the pain and agony the driver of the mobile library gets out and says

Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

Presidential Library

The plans have been revealed for Trump's Presidential library. It will only have picture books.

I looked at my thesis at the library

I noticed several pages were missing. So I asked the librarian "Hey, what's up here? There are several pages missing from my thesis!"

The librarian said "Well, your thesis got sick. So we had to perform an appendectomy on it."

A young man came to the library counter and said, "Give me some fries and a cola."

The receptionist at the counter was surprised and said, ”Young man, this is the library!"

The young man looked apologetic and repeated in a small, quiet voice, "Give me some fries and a cola."

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?

They use their Endor voices.

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