A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

A drunk walks into a library...

A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”

The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”

The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whis...

A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.

"They're right behind you!"

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into a library, turns to the librarian.
The librarian asks the chicken 'what can I do for you?'
Chicken replies with 'booook.'
The librarian gives the chicken a book and it walks away and leaves the library. The chicken comes back 5 minutes later with the book and gives it...

A man walks into a library...

Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?

Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

So I went to the library...

I had to go to the library to book a private study room. Once there, I asked the lady if there is one that is available.

Imagine my disappointment when she said, sorry hun, we are fully BOOKED.

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

Aliens landed at my local library this morning.

Their first words to us were: "Take me to your reader."

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Both of his books have turned into ashes. He couldn’t even finish colouring the second one.

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library. He asks the librarian "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian says "I don't think it's in yet."

My friend has been up in court for defacing library books

He was discovered tippexing all the full stops out, the judge said he should expect a long sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into a library to get a book on suicide

after searching for a while with no success I asked the librarian if I could take out a book on suicide. She told me "fuck off you wont bring it back "

What system was used to keep track of the Millennium Falcon's Library?

The Chewie-decimal system

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian s...

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!








I'm so sorry

I forgot my second "N" before going to work at the library today...

...let's just say this blunder will go down in the "Anals of History".

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

A man walks into a library

Looking around nervously, he asked in a quiet voice if the librarian knows of any books about paranoia. The Librarian quietly replies in a whisper: "They're right behind you ..."

A blonde goes to the library to get a book.

A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into the library

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian where are the self help books? The librarian said "well if I tell you it would defeat the purpose"

Alternative:

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian where are the books on suicide? The librarian said "Fuck You we'll nev...

It took so much time to get to the library, and I wound up taking a nap anyway

tl;dr Too long, didn't read

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

A chicken walks into a library and says:

"Book book book."



The librarian hands the chicken 3 books. On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog.

The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:

"Book book book."

The frog replies:

"Reddit reddit reddit."

Jimmy went to the library.

At the the library he said to the librarian “Can I get a hamburger.” The librarian responds “ Sir this is a library.” Jimmy whispers “Sorry can I have a hamburger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records up until...

I got kicked out of the library for being inappropriate...

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...

I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

A blond girl goes into a library

and asks "I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"


The librarian a tad taken aback goes "Lady, you do know that you're at the library, right?"

The blond girl goes "Shoot, I'm sorry" then she whispers
" I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

What did the frog say when he went to the library?

Reddit! Reddit! Reddit!

I WOULD tell you about the secret underground library...

But its very hush hush

I borrowed a book from the library the other day..

..it was all about surgery.

It wasn't until I got home that I realised someone had taken the appendix out.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A Frenchmen goes to a library for a book he wants about warfare.

He asks the librarian at the front desk for a book about warfare. The librarian simply responds, “You’ll just lose it.”

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A man goes into a library

He picks up a copy of Thucydides, looks at it for a while, then sets it down and looks at a copy of Herodotus. The librarian approaches him and says "ah, into the kinky stuff, are you?" "Excuse me?" the man replies. "It's just, I can see you're browsing history."

I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a library and a toilet have in common?

Both are places where assholes go to be loud and obnoxious

Q: What is the world's tallest building?

A: The library because it has the most stories.

Once I got kicked out from a library

Once I got kicked out from a library for putting a women's rights book in the fantasy section.

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits Harvard

Visitor in Harvard Square: "Excuse me, where's the library at?"

Harvard student: "Sir, this is Harvard. We don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Visitor: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"

Christmas in the Library

What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night

Guy walks into a library.

He saunters up to the main desk and roars as loudly as he can at one of the librarians “CAN I GET A BURGER AND FRIES PLEASE MY DUDE!!!”. The librarian gives him a withering look and says “Excuse me, this is a library!”. Guy responds in a quiet whisper “my apologies, can I get a burger and fries plea...

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

How do you organize a library of sound?

By using the Dewey Decibel system.

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good old boy from Mississippi gets accepted to Yale. On the first day on campus, he stops a student and asks "Where is the library at?"

The students seems non-plussed, and says with condescension, "At Yale, sir, we don't end questions with a preposition."

Unfazed, the good old boy says, "Ok, so where's the library at, ASSHOLE?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs. Peacock. In the library. With a lead pipe.

Because anything can be a dildo if you're brave enough.

Don't judge! She had the room all to herself. It had been a while, you know?

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

A blonde walks into a library...

...marches right up to the desk and proclaims loudly " I would like to order a burger and fries!" The librarian is shocked and states, "Ma'am, this is a library". "Ohh", replies the blond and then whispered " I would like to order a burger and fries".

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

A chicken walks into a library...

...goes up to the desk and says "Bok." The librarian hesitates for a bit, but hands the chicken a book. Looking satisfied, the chicken walks out.
The next day, the chicken comes back, returning the book. Then it says "Bok. Bok. Boook." The librarian is amazed how quickly the chicken read the boo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

A man walks into a library ...

Man, to librarian: **"I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, and a large coke."**

Librarian (whispering): "Sir, you are at the library."

Man (now whispering): "Oh, I'm sorry. I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, and a large coke."

Library has a CASE on their hands...

My local library has been attempting to stop a random series of book destruction. Apparently someone is tearing up the pages in all of the books in the donation bin. The librarians aren't sure what to do though...



...They don't negotiate with Tearrorists.

Went to the library to get a book co-written by Pavlov and Schroedinger.

Librarian said "it rings a bell but I'm not sure if we have it in or not"

A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

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