I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a library.....

And asks the girl at the desk," Do you have that book about small penis's?"

Girl, "I don't think it's in yet"

Man, "yes, that's the one"

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

A chicken walks into a library and says “book book book”

So the librarian gives him a book and he walks out. But the librarian thinks this is kinda weird so she follows him home. On the way home the chicken meets a frog. When the chicken sees the frog he shows him his book and says “book book book.” The frog replies “Reddit Reddit Reddit.”

A man walks Into a library and asks “can I have some fish and chips please?” The librarian replies “sir, this is a library”

“Oh sorry!”
*whispers* “can I have some fish and chips?”

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

A guy asked a girl in the library

"Do you mind if i seat beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:<...

I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...

I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

What did the chicken say when it walked into the library?

Book Book Book Book Book

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

What section would a defective cabinet look for in a library?

Shelf help

I WOULD tell you about the secret underground library...

But its very hush hush

Sony came up with a game software that switches between games in your library when it sees you are losing interest in the one you are playing

It's a game changer.

A blond girl goes into a library

and asks "I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"

The librarian a tad taken aback goes "Lady, you do know that you're at the library, right?"

The blond girl goes "Shoot, I'm sorry" then she whispers
" I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"

A Frenchmen goes to a library for a book he wants about warfare.

He asks the librarian at the front desk for a book about warfare. The librarian simply responds, “You’ll just lose it.”

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

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A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

A chicken walks into the library.

It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook...

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A man goes into a library

He picks up a copy of Thucydides, looks at it for a while, then sets it down and looks at a copy of Herodotus. The librarian approaches him and says "ah, into the kinky stuff, are you?" "Excuse me?" the man replies. "It's just, I can see you're browsing history."

I borrowed a book from the library the other day..

..it was all about surgery.

It wasn't until I got home that I realised someone had taken the appendix out.

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

Christmas in the Library

What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night

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What do a library and a toilet have in common?

Both are places where assholes go to be loud and obnoxious

Q: What is the world's tallest building?

A: The library because it has the most stories.

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

I got kicked out of the library

for putting a feminism book in the Fictional section.

Guy walks into a library.

He saunters up to the main desk and roars as loudly as he can at one of the librarians “CAN I GET A BURGER AND FRIES PLEASE MY DUDE!!!”. The librarian gives him a withering look and says “Excuse me, this is a library!”. Guy responds in a quiet whisper “my apologies, can I get a burger and fries plea...

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

How do you organize a library of sound?

By using the Dewey Decibel system.

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A good old boy from Mississippi gets accepted to Yale. On the first day on campus, he stops a student and asks "Where is the library at?"

The students seems non-plussed, and says with condescension, "At Yale, sir, we don't end questions with a preposition."

Unfazed, the good old boy says, "Ok, so where's the library at, ASSHOLE?"

A blonde walks into a library...

...marches right up to the desk and proclaims loudly " I would like to order a burger and fries!" The librarian is shocked and states, "Ma'am, this is a library". "Ohh", replies the blond and then whispered " I would like to order a burger and fries".

I lost my job at the library today

I was sorting through the books putting them back into the correct section and put the women’s rights book in the fiction section.

Still wondering what I did wrong...

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

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I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

Library has a CASE on their hands...

My local library has been attempting to stop a random series of book destruction. Apparently someone is tearing up the pages in all of the books in the donation bin. The librarians aren't sure what to do though...


...They don't negotiate with Tearrorists.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits Harvard

Visitor in Harvard Square: "Excuse me, where's the library at?"

Harvard student: "Sir, this is Harvard. We don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Visitor: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"

A snake and a librarian in a library





A man walks into a library ...

Man, to librarian: **"I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, and a large coke."**

Librarian (whispering): "Sir, you are at the library."

Man (now whispering): "Oh, I'm sorry. I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, and a large coke."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

A man walked into the library and asked the librarian if the library had any books about Pavlov's dog and schrodinger's cat?

After thinking a moment the librarian responded," It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

A chicken walks into a library...

...goes up to the desk and says "Bok." The librarian hesitates for a bit, but hands the chicken a book. Looking satisfied, the chicken walks out.
The next day, the chicken comes back, returning the book. Then it says "Bok. Bok. Boook." The librarian is amazed how quickly the chicken read the boo...

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

Went to the library to get a book co-written by Pavlov and Schroedinger.

Librarian said "it rings a bell but I'm not sure if we have it in or not"

A woman walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Euphemisms

The librarian took her up the back alley and let her have it

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

A chicken walks into a library...

... and goes up to the librarian at the front desk.

**Librarian**: Can I help you?

**Chicken** (stares at her for a minute, then says): Book!

The librarian is confused, but gives the chicken a random book, who looks happy and leaves.

The next day, the chicken returns look...

A man walks into a library

-Excuse me, do you have books about diarrhea?

-Yes, sir

-Great, I'll need three pages

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning.

They also ripped out pages from the end. It just went from “bad” to “worse”.

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

A blonde walked into a library

Wait that’s not the whole joke!

And she asked the librarian, “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, “ Miss, this is library.”
The blonde whisper, “ Do you have pasta?”

A fellow at the library asked me where the self help section is...

but I told him that would defeat the purpose.

A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"

So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"

Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and ...

I was reading a book about lubrication in the library.

I found it in the non-friction section.

A man walks inside a library..

And ask librarian for a book named "Psyco The Rapist". Librarian told him they have no such book.

After a while man returns with abbook in his hand and slams it in front of librarian and said "What is this then?".

Librarian picks up the book and reads the title "Psychotherapi...

There's always multiple sides to a story, unless you're at a library...

...then there's multiple stories to a side.

Blonde walks into a library and searches around for an hour.

Eventually she approaches the librarian with a book in her hands.

"Ah, learning all about fire I see", says the librarian, "very interesting".

"Well, no actually... " replies the blonde, "my boyfriend sent me out to get something, but this is the closest I could find".

"I'm su...

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I got the "Bookworm" award in the school because I have the most visits to the library.

Of course they don't know the library's toilet is very suitable for masturbating.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library

Apparently they're fully booked

A blonde goes into a library and, speaking clearly and loudly, orders a burger, fries and a milkshake.

The librarian rolls his eyes and says, exasperated, "This is a library, ma'am."
So the blonde leans in and whispers, "Sorry. I'll have a burger, fries, and a milkshake."