A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide...

“Fuck off” the librarian replied. “You won’t bring it back”

A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles...

Librarian: hardback?

Man: Yea with little heads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a library...

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was.

I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A freshman at Harvard wanted to go to the library

So he stopped and asked a senior student, “Do you know where the library is at?”

The senior looks disgustingly at him, and, with a snobbish tone replied, “Hmph! We here at Harvard never end our sentences with prepositions!”

“I’m sorry”, the freshman apologises, “I meant to say, do you ...

I couldn't get a reservation at the library

They were completely booked

A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook...

KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old jewish man reading a book...

"What are you reading, old man?" he asks.

"I'm learning hebrew, comrade." replies the old jew.

KGB agent doesn't understand: "What are you learning hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one."

"I'm learning hebrew...

I was trying to make a reservation for a seat at the library

But they were fully booked

I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking."

I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.

How do you feel about the prison library?

It has its prose and cons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.

She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”

My brain is like a library of film facts that I barely even remember

IMDumB

A blonde went to the library

Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.

Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.

Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.

Man walks into a library

... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’.

Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?

They use their Endor voices.

What's a library ?

It's like the internet, but made of trees.

A man walks into a library.

"Hey! How much for a hot dog?" He asks the librarian.

The librarian says, "are you crazy? This is a library!"

"Oh, sorry about that." He answers.

"^How ^much ^for ^a ^hot ^dog?" ^He ^whispers.

My mother told me not to yell in the library.

It was sound advice.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed

At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”

The librarian thinks for a second, then respon...

Why did the unemployed nun get kicked out of the library?

She was caught looking up ‘missionary position’ on their computers.

A blonde walks into the library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."

Karen walks into a library

She goes to the librarian says,
"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please"

Librarian looks at her puzzled and says
"This is a library Miss"

Karen replied,
"Oh yes sorry"
(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'

What do you call a library full of fake news?

A lie-brary

There's a scary library in my town...

...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.

Hey baby, are you a library book?

Because the authorities are telling me to return you.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

A Chicken Walks Into a Library

A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk.
"Buk", says the chicken. So the librarian gives him a book. The chicken leaves with the book and returns five minutes later. "Buk," he says. So the librarian gives him another book. This goes on about eight more times, until finally the libr...

A plumber was called in to fix a leaky pipe in the library toilet.

As he worked, he made too much noise, and so the librarian asked him to pipe down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building?

It has so many stories!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of the library the other day for being too loud

I guess i'll just have to find somewhere else to masturbate.

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

A lady walks into the library, asking for books on paranoia

The librarian whispers, "*they're right behind you*".

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

When I was in the library, I found a book entitled "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems"

So I bought 2 copies.

You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny.

But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in.

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

There was a young man weeping

The man was sitting at a library table

A young lady approached him and asked what was wrong

He replied “It’s complicated”

And showed his calculus homework

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in The Guinness Book of World Records

That's when i was asked to leave the library.

As I walked into my library, a book fell on my head.

I only blame my shelf.

Apparently the Ronald Reagan library is burning at both ends.

But instead of fighting it directly, they should put out fires nearby and hope the water trickles down.

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

Having fun isn't hard when you have a library card...

You need something to line up the coke, after all.

A drunk walks into a library...

A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”

The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”

The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whis...

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into a library, turns to the librarian.
The librarian asks the chicken 'what can I do for you?'
Chicken replies with 'booook.'
The librarian gives the chicken a book and it walks away and leaves the library. The chicken comes back 5 minutes later with the book and gives it...

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

The saying “never lend your books, you’ll never get them back” is true

I know this because my library is full of books that other folks have lent me

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A man walks into a library...

Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?

Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy r...

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

I went to the library and they wouldn't let me check out a book because they thought I would bend the spine.

I should have never told them I had scoliosis

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!








I'm so sorry

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

Prison numbers

A new convict arrives in prison, and he’s sitting in his cell with his new cell mate. Suddenly someone yells “243” and the whole cellblock starts laughing. A little while later someone yells, “23” and again everyone starts laughing. This happens every day between 2pm and 3pm.

The new guy has ...

A chicken walks into a library

... and says to the librarian:

”Book, book, book”

The librarian hand the chicken three books. On the way out, the chicken encounters a frog. The chicken shows the books to the frog and says:

”Book, book, book.”

The frog replies:

”Reddit, reddit, reddit.”

I took my son to the library today

He is really into dinosaur books, so I asked the librarian if she knew of any good authors of dinosaur books.

She said "Try Sarah Topps"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

A man walks into a library

He asks the librarian:
"Do you have any good psychological thrillers?"

The librarian, panicking, leans down and yells into the microphone:

"Security needed at the entrance hall! Patient D56 has escaped his cell again!"

The man answers:

"Any others? I think I've read t...

What did the frog say when he returned the book to the library?

Reddit

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

Aliens landed at my local library this morning.

Their first words to us were: "Take me to your reader."

Chicken walks into a library

It says book so librarian gives it a book.
Goes back and says book book, so librarian gives two books.
Comes back again and says book book book, so librarian gives 3 books.

Librarian wonders how the chicken reads the books so fast, so follows it home. Turns out the chicken is looking af...

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

I got kicked out of the library

They booted me out because I moved all of the books on trickle-down economics to the fiction section

So I went to the library...

I had to go to the library to book a private study room. Once there, I asked the lady if there is one that is available.

Imagine my disappointment when she said, sorry hun, we are fully BOOKED.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

Chicken in a Library

A young librarian is amazed during his first day at work to see a chicken stride into the library with an armful of books. The chicken walks up to him and deposits the book on the desk. Apart from a little pond weed on one of the pages, they were all fine and within the lending period, in fact, they...

My friend has been up in court for defacing library books

He was discovered tippexing all the full stops out, the judge said he should expect a long sentence.

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

I forgot my second "N" before going to work at the library today...

...let's just say this blunder will go down in the "Anals of History".

I was at the library and started to read a book on procrastination

I’ll finish it later

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

“John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?”

“Right away, Sir.”

“Here you go, Sir.”

“Thank you!… Oh, John!”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Bring me another glass of water, will you?”

“Of course, Sir.”

“Here it is, Sir.”

“Many thanks, John!”

“John!”

“Sir?”

“I’m afraid I shall need another glas...

A blonde goes to the library to get a book.

A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

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