I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ...

a security guard wandered over to me and said “sir you can’t wear that in here”

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."



He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."

"They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.

The Russian speaks up, "...

The limo driver opened an animal hide gallery.

The chauffeur show furs

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My friend says hentai doesn’t belong in a gallery... NSFW

But I say that it’s fucking art!

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news...

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

An artist takes his work to a gallery for the first time.

A well-known art critic happens to be there and spots the painting. He walks over to the young artist.

"Excuse me, would you like my opinion of your painting?"

"Sure," replied the artist.

"Frankly, it's completely worthless."

"I know, but tell it to me anyway."

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

The thief pulled out his gun, pointed it at the art gallery manager and said

"This is a robbery, give me all your monet!"

I had a performance in an art gallery today.

It was to draw in more people.

An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.

The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went....

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

An Artist called up the Gallery.

An Artist called up the Gallery to ask about his painting. He was down on his luck and wanted to knows whether he made any profits.

"Oh, yes,'' replied the director. ''I have good news and bad news. Just this morning a gentlemen called and inquired on the price of your work and it's value i...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

I was in an art gallery one time and I went up to this lady staring at a painting.

I told her: "This painting reminds me of my grandfather; he always had wonderful strokes."


She replied "Oh that's lovely; where is he now?"


"Well the last one finally killed him."

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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.

Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "

A painter unveils his five new paintings in a gallery...

A painter unveils his four new paintings in a gallery. The first is a cubism painting of x^3. The second is an abstract painting depicting 3x^2. The third is a realism painting depicting 6x. The next is a landscape painting of the number 6. The last is a simplistic painting of the number 0.
...

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Art Gallery Nudes

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.



She asks, "What are you waiting for?"



He replies, "Autumn."

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In an art gallery I saw a poo with teeth marks on it.

It was a bit shit.

Congrats to the National Gallery on receiving a substantial donation of French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork.

Which is to say ... they're getting Monet for nothing and the Czechs for free.

Why did the console gamer faint when they visited the art gallery

There were too many frames

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The Peanut Gallery

Somewhere back in the era of grainy black-and-white TV, there was a Saturday kid's show called "Riddle Griddle." It was hosted by Jimmy Valentine, who is now in the Minnesota Broadcasting Hall of Fame.

The show had bleachers where the kids sat, like the "Peanut Galleries" of Mickey Mouse and ...

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The Canadian Opera Company has announced that it will play a special concert series at the Vancouver Art Gallery.

They say that this will be the first time the COC has played in the VAG.

I was walking around an art gallery with my wife.

"Does anything in this room get you excited?" she said, with a cheeky wink.

I said, "Yes, some of the paintings."

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Kim Jong Un visits an art gallery

Kim Jong Un, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards, surveys an art exhibition.

"What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked.

His aide answered, "This painting, Supreme Leader, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produc...

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the ...

A famous armorer was called to court...

…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner’s heavy sword bounced o...

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

http://imgur.com/gallery/8u6m2Nv

'I love your paintings'

Someone in an art gallery

or

a Jamaican in a bondage shop.

Always trust the soviet weather man.

A couple were visiting an art gallery in soviet St. Petersburg when they looked out of the window and saw the weather starting to look quite cloudy. The wife turned to her husband and said "We should get back to the hotel,I think its going to snow!" Before her husband could reply their tour guide le...

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A danish artist painted pictures of naked women with his penis.

An interested buyer visits his gallery and asks:
"how can u paint those gentle round curves with your penis"
"It wasn't too hard"

got that from the late late show with craig ferguson.

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

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Custer's Last Thought

There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all.

One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore.

He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a p...

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The strange painting

John and Michelle are out on a date at an art gallery. They're walking around, looking at art, discussing the paintings, and generally having a good time. Eventually they come across a very strange painting that they can't seem to make heads or tails of. It's a large canvas called "Home for Lunch," ...

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An art joke

A couple found a painting in an art gallery, the painting showed 3 black men, 2 eating sandwiches on a bench, all naked, yet the man in the middle had a white penis and had no sandwich.

The couple looked at this painting, puzzled, they asked the curator what it meant.

"well, you see, ...

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An avid art collector wanted to add a new piece to his collection...

So he want to an artist's gallery and asked "my good sir, could you paint me a picture depicting Adolf Hitler's last thought?" After a few minutes of thinking the artist said "certainly. Come back in a week and I'll have it ready for you.

So a week layer the collector returns and meets the a...

An ear doctor gets a phone call from a patient and asks him to describe the symptoms.

He says, "they're yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair".

[Source](http://m.imgur.com/gallery/3axkvOQ)

A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your d...

What did the Nuclear Engineer get for his birthday?

Yellow Cake
http://imgur.com/gallery/FGFV1Em/new

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At the amusement park

A drunken man approaches the shooting gallery and wants to have a go. Amazingly enough, he shoots a perfect score.
As it happends, the first prize is a pet turtle. The man recieves the turtle and wanders off.

Some time later, the same man returns, now even more drunk. Again, he shoots a p...

What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?

A barbie queue (BBQ)!
Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad.
http://imgur.com/gallery/he4epJo/

I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lo...

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