Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

What kind of antiques’ dealer shatters things

A broker

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Shopping for antiques won't make you gay...

...but it will make you buy curios.

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A family heirloom

I walked into an antiques shop and said "I've got a vintage wooden dildo for sale if you're interested"

The assistant looked curious so I took it out of my bag and showed it to him.

"Jesus, it smells a bit funny!" he said.

"I know" I replied. "It's been in my family for years"

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I was recently at an antiques store.

I picked up a lamp and a genie popped out.

He said "I will grant you one wish, you can either have a long memory or a long penis"

I forget my response.

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A man walks into an antiques store...

A man walks into an antiques store carrying an intricately painted china dish, to find an elderly looking gentlemen behind the counter.
'What can I do for you, sir?' The elderly gentleman says.
'How much would you pay me to take this off my hands' says the man.
After looking at the plate, ...

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

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