Antiques Jokes - 12 Hilarious Antiques Jokes

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Shopping for antiques won't make you gay...

...but it will make you buy curios.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses pa...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

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I was recently at an antiques store.

I picked up a lamp and a genie popped out.

He said "I will grant you one wish, you can either have a long memory or a long penis"

I forget my response.

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and ...

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

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A family heirloom

I walked into an antiques shop and said "I've got a vintage wooden dildo for sale if you're interested"

The assistant looked curious so I took it out of my bag and showed it to him.

"Jesus, it smells a bit funny!" he said.

"I know" I replied. "It's been in my family for years"

What's an ants favourite collectible item

Antiques

On a foreign tour, an Indian minister is invited by his US counterpart to his house. As he's being given the tour of the lavish mansion, the Indian official is quite impressed and asks the host, "How could you even afford this at your current income?"

The host, with an air of pride, takes him to a grand window and points to an under-construction bridge and asks, "What do you see there?"
Indian says, “An unfinished bridge.”
Host, with a smug smile and with a wink replies, “Exactly.”

After a few months, the US politician is on India ...

Poverty and Chastity

In January I spent a couple of days at a Benedictine monastery in California. It was a gorgeous place, with a courtyard garden full of fragrant orange trees and a retreat house full of antiques. When I first came through the door, one of the brothers glided up to me and said, "I know what you're thi...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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