Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

Silence is golden

Duct tape is silver

Sounds of Silence

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man signed," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "You're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me...

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

He is told by the abbot that on the anniversary of his vow, he can speak one sentence. A year goes by and on the first anniversary, the monk says: "My bed is uncomfortable."

Another years goes by. On the anniversary, the monk tells the abbot: "The food is cold."

Yet another year goes b...

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

A backpacker finds a small village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny bar

He walks into the bar and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 7!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

Did you hear about the new Silence of the Lambs sequel that's set to take place in Newfoundland?

It's going to be called Ewes Be Quiet.

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Hitler dies and goes in front of a hell gate...

St. Peter is waiting, judging him.

They stand in silence when Hitler breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"

"Hell, Hitler." he responds.

"Ya, ya, Heil Hitler, but where am I?".

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

A young woman was pulled over for speeding

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

The State Trooper walked to her car window and opened his ticket book.

The woman said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."

The trooper told her, "Ma'am, State Troopers don't have balls."
<...

Silence is golden...

Unless you have children...

If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

Silence in court

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

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A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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Silence or Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and ask...

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

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The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

Thanksgiving

An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman. Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving mornin...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

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A passenger in a cab leaned over and tapped the driver’s shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed in panic, swerved, lost control of the car and drove over the pavement stopping inches short of driving through a restaurant.



There was stunned silence in the car for a few seconds and then the driver said, “I am sorry. You really scared the daylights out of me.”...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Jesus is back...

Two homeless friends meet in a small british town on a Sunday morning after a long time.

*We must celebrate, let's have a drink, what do you have on you?*

*I only have a few Euros, and you?*

*Me too, hardly enough to have a nice drinking day.*

After a moment of silence, t...

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow.

A man goes to a monastery and asks to join. The Abbot agrees to accept him under one condition. "You must take a vow of silence, and you are only allowed to speak 2 words every 5 years upon reaching your anniversary of taking that vow".

The man agrees, and in due course he takes his vows. 5 ...

I decided to purchase a silencer from the clearance bin...

It wasn't very good bang for the buck.

I think silence is the best answer sometimes. What do you think dad?

Dad: .....
Me: dad, what do you think?
Dad: .....

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

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Silence is Golden

Paddy was out driving with the wife..After speeding down a long stretch of road he noticed the flashing lights of a police car behind him and pulled over..

“Can I help you officer”? he said

“Do you realize that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back” says the officer!

...

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

Facebook has changed its company name to Meta

Presumably because they've never Meta hate group they wanted to silence.

Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick

"I felt like I was being rushed."

Did you hear about the composer who took a vow of silence?

His friends called him Mutezart.

Did you hear about the silence last week?

Neither did I.

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..

They were almost half way across when the camel began wheezing, and hacking, and coughing up blood. Before long the camel collapsed dead underneath them. The two stood for a while in the blazing sun, and the priest finally broke the silence by saying, "You do realize sister, that it's only a matter ...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate?

One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.

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A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

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Stinky farts are just like somehow putting a silencer on a bazooka...

Silent-butt, deadly and extremely explosive.









sometimes flammable too

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

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Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

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"Anything these days," I told my wife.

She frowned at me.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

She sighed and shrugged.

"Are you crazy, honey...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Family Matters

A husband and wife are on a long car trip and get into a big argument that eventually ends in an angry silence.

Some time later they pass a pig farm. The husband looks at the pigs and says, "Family of yours?"

The wife replies, "Yup, in-laws."

Woman Decides To Test Her Husband's Love. Then This Happened... LOL!

Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving.

She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.

She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with h...

Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...

Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.

The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.

After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand...

A Man Calls Home to His Wife...

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, "Hello ". The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, "Sir, your wife... Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!". The husband is shocked and doesn't speak for a minute....

A quiet flight.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .

...
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneven...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

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Coffee Together

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are. The first mother says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second mother says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'" T...

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One I remembered from high school

There are two hunters out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other guy pulls out his phone and calls 911. He says, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a g...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The ma...

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

After years of dating. John and Gail decided to go ahead and get married.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you...

Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"

Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Our country needs a moment of silence. President Trump has just committed suicide.

Oh wait no he didn’t, just fake noose.

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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

Service call

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he sa...

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A Strange Woman Looked Into My Window This Morning and Saw Me Masturbating Furiously.

Thankfully, after about ten seconds of embarrassing silence, the light turned green.

A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"

"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

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An odd funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

What do you call a cup that silences you when you drink it?

A shut the fu-cup.

Downstairs

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. The boys honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps...

What's the difference between a women and a gun?

...You can put a silencer on a gun

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

What will happen if you silence an ant?

It'll become "mutant".

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

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A man buys a talking centipede for €5000.

He takes it home in a small box.

After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says “Would you like to go for a pint?”.

Silence; the centipede doesn’t answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats his question, but still no reply.

Becoming agitated, and starting to think he has been conne...

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

A man gets sent to prison for the first time.

In the middle of the night, he still can't sleep. Suddenly, he hears a prisoner yell out "18!" and everyone laughs.

Then a few minutes later, another prisoner yells "25!". Thunderous laughter, louder than the first.

Then another few minutes later, someone yells "62!". Silence.

P...

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

A Wife's diary......

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I sugges...

Difference between falling from 1st and 10th floor

1st floor : Thud.....Silence......Shriek

10th floor : Shriek......Thud...Silence

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

All my jokes are greeted with an awkward silence.

You could hear a pun drop.

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

Food Coma….

A health forum speaker asks, “Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it.”

After a long silence, an old man answered,

“Wedding Cake”…….

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Whenever you’re sitting on the toilet all alone in silence, do you ever think something is crawling up the pipes into the toilet bowl and then is going to suddenly slither up into your butthole?

Well, you will now. You’re welcome!

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A rugged man and his crocodile enter a bar..

A rugged man and his crocodile enter a bar. Everyone immediately stares at the man and his crocodile that has captured their attention. He unzips his pants, hits the crocodile on the head to daze it, then puts his penis in the crocodile's mouth. Everyone looks on in horror and amazement.
...

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A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this odd so he mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Ch...

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Oh," radioed the American sub. "I guess we won"

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

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What is the difference between erotic and kinky sex?

A sadist, a masochistic, a murderer, a necrophilic, a zoophilic and a pyromaniac sit in the garden of psychiatry and are terribly bored.

Once the zoophile sounds:
- What if we fucked a cat?

For this, the sadist:
-Yes, let's fuck him and then torture him well.

The mur...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.

I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

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As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi..... FUCKING SHIT!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: "I ...

My girlfriend looked at me and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there, in silence.

I really enjoy watching the end credits of a movie.

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An American, a Russian and a Finn drink in a bar.

The American says:

\- Well... American Air Forces are so huge that we can cover all the sky over Finland by our planes. And there will no sunlight, only shade.

They drink. The Russian says:

\- Well, Russian Navy is so huge that we can cover entire the Gulf of Finland by ships...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

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A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

My wife and I were sitting in our living room in silence looking at our phones...

We heard a cricket outside and she looked at me and said "I heard a cricket chirping, but you didn't tell a joke"

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It’s down to the final two at a championship spelling bee.

The contestant gets up to the microphone and the judge tells him the word is “walk.”

Confused, the contestant asks for a definition.

“To move about or travel on foot for exercise or pleasure.”

The contestant asks for a sentence to confirm what could be his final word was reall...

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech...

Inspired by the recent post by /u/JTRuno:

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd - a factory worker named Boris - sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks "who sneezed?".

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

"I ask again...

Martha and Arthur

The old coulple were sitting on their porch reminiscing on 65 years of marriage, After a few moments of silence Martha pipes up:
"Arthur, what would you do if I started smoking?"
He replies:
"I'd slow down dear, and use more lube."

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Surprise!

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.” After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. ...

They should have called it Silence of the Lamps

It was a dark film

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

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Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

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At a lavish party the host calls for silence as he makes an announcement..

He says;

"To the first person who can swim from one end of my swimming pool to the other I will duly award them the sum of one million dollars but there's a twist! As you can see there's also three huge alligators and...

Before he could finish his sentence there's a huge splash and co...

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A woman decided to join the Monastery of Silence.

A woman decided to join a Monastery of Silence. The priest welcomes her and says "you can only speak when I say you can."
Five years pass before the priest comes to her and says "Dear Lady, you've been with us for five years and you are now allowed to say two words." The woman says "Hard bed." Th...

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says...

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

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