What did medieval postmen wear?

Chain mail

"If you Google lost medieval servant boy.

You get the message ‘Page cannot be found."

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director?

They always want the biggest breastworks.

[OC] What do you call a medieval jouster recently released from prison?

>!A Free lancer!<

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

I read of a medieval knight who was always sure of himself.

Sir tainly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon...

..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

Why did the medieval bank teller get fired?

He gave them no quarter

I tried searching for lost medieval servant boy,

but all I got was 'page not found'.

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father.

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father. One day, he says to his mother:

Son: Mom, did my father have a genetic disorder that causes him to have a lump on his back

Mother: Why would you think that?

Son: I just have a hunch.

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury

It was a flying Chaucer!

When did medieval soldiers go to sleep?

Knight time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King and Horny queen

Medieval time story, there used to be a king who was always out of the palace fighting enemies. Queen used to get horny in the absence of king and started having nonstop sex with courtiers and soldiers of palace.

Soon this became a habit for queen so much that she started having affairs even...

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment?

Storming a castle.

Medieval cures...

Were leeches on society

I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.

Fortified.

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"

"Nah, he was holding a mace."

I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant"

It came back: "Page Not Found"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been offered a job as a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.

[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.)

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

One Time Long Ago, Way Back In Medieval Times...

There was a brave knight named Sir Finley who fought everything the king commissioned him to. One day, a dragon terrorized a nearby village, scaring the kingdom. Sir Finley was sent of to slay this terrible dragon. Once he got there, the dragon’s tail knocked him off balance. Sir Finley fell to the ...

My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever been poked by a lance,

He said "no but I was once lightly caressed by a Stephen"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.

They often had to wear mail armor.

Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA’s corporate greed

They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other inst...

A medieval werewolf becomes an alchemist

Others say, “What use do werewolves have of gold?”

Undeterred, he successfully makes gold and shows it to them.

“What do we do with it?”

Another werewolf looks at it. “Dunno. Eat it?”

Thus, the golden retriever was born.

[Stupid] Why was the medieval man such an a-hole on the plane ride?

Because U-KNIGHTED AIRLINES

Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages?

It was the knight time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of Germany.

Her: F*ck. Not Burger King again!!

People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

[Request] Drinking or medieval jokes. Super bonus if both. They can certainly be offensive. I'll start.

Going on a medieval pub crawl and offensive and/or drinking jokes get you to the head of the line at each bar. I'm hoping you can keep me in the front and my fellow crawlers entertained.

But this is r/jokes, so here's ~~one~~ two to get us started:

A king was preparing to ride off on ...

It's medieval time. There are bets being put on on who can shoot the apple from a man's head.

First goes Robin Hood. He shoots it right at the apple and says:"I'm Robin Hood."
Then there goes William Tell. He shoots the arrow at the apple and it even destroys the apple and he says:"I'm William Tell."
And then comes the third guy. He aims and shoots the arrow right in the guy's head and...

What do you call a medieval dentist?

A plaque doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation.

I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?

At your cervix, m'lady

Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?

More often than not, they were called "peasants"

How to beat a Tibetan monk

A Tibetan monk and his young subordinate arrive in a small town in medieval England to challenge it's men to fight.

The town sheriff tells his best fighter to step up to the challenge, but the smug monk beats him down with a single, well placed blow.

The sheriff sends in two more men,...

What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

Today, someone asked me if there's a possibility that I know anything about Medieval music.

I said, "not a Gregorian chants".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?

Resistance if feudal

What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200’s?

Medieval Knievel

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to D...

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

How do you know if she's a witch?

How do you know if a woman is a witch?

Throw her in a lake beaten and tied to a stone; if she floats and stays alive she's a witch if she drowns she's a normal woman.

Well we had to know our facts right?

What do we do if there is no lake or water around?

Tie her to a pole...

Islam is not too popular these days.

So Muslims decided to hire the Mulla Nasreddin ad agency. The agency worked day and night. But due to strict new laws on false advertizing, regulators rejected most of their proposals. Finally after much thought the agency came up with the following slogans.

Islam, 2/3 less wrong than Christi...

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend ove...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.