UPJOKE
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Medieval Jokes

What do you call a Medieval spy?

Sir Veillance

What do medieval postmen wear?

Chainmail

What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment?

Storming a castle.

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'...

The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

Me and my friends argued all day what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late, so we called it a knight

[OC] What do you call a medieval jouster recently released from prison?

>!A Free lancer!<

Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.















*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

How do you kill someone in the medieval ages and get away with it?

Sneeze.

Why were the medieval times so dark?

Because there were so many knights.

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Why was the 10 year-old medieval peasant depressed?

He was going through his midlife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

I read of a medieval knight who was always sure of himself.

Sir tainly

Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages?

It was the knight time

I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.

Fortified.

Medieval Yo Mama joke

Saw this joke today, it’s from the 1400’s

A young Florentine was going down to River Arno with one of
those nets in which they wash wool, and met a frolicsome boy,
who, out of fun, asked him what birds he was going to catch with
that net of his? "I am going to the Brothel's outlet,"...

A friend of mine is so into medieval stories that he continuously goes through all the members of King Arthur's round table.

Knight, after knight, after knight after knight.....

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Have you noticed, if you Google the phrase "Lost Medieval Servant Boy. "

It comes back with, "This page could not be found."

Medieval cures...

Were leeches on society

Why did the cannibal have a medieval peasant and JK Rowling over for dinner?

They wanted to eat serf and terf.

Why didn't women play the lute in medieval times?

Because they got minstrel cramps......

I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant"

It came back: "Page Not Found"

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

my t-rex friend have recently opened a restaurant for medieval Knights..

For anyone interested, it's name is Dine'O Sir

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

What did the medieval knight say when he got caught doping?

“I was just getting my Lance Armstrong.”

What do you call a medieval knight with one leg that’s shorter than the other?

An Angled-Saxon

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?

They prefer Wight Castle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been offered a job as a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.

[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.)

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times?

Farm to Fable.

Why did the medieval bank teller get fired?

He gave them no quarter

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?

At your cervix, m'lady

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

When medieval armies went off to war...

were they playing for keeps?

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?

It's a period piece

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.

Only the Ruler could.

A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon...

..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.

I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

Elon Musk has been captured by a fellow billionaire and is now trapped in a medieval rack.

He is to henceforth be known as Elon Gates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director?

They always want the biggest breastworks.

A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury

It was a flying Chaucer!

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.

They often had to wear mail armor.

What do you call a medieval dentist?

A plaque doctor.

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father.

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father. One day, he says to his mother:

Son: Mom, did my father have a genetic disorder that causes him to have a lump on his back

Mother: Why would you think that?

Son: I just have a hunch.

[Request] Drinking or medieval jokes. Super bonus if both. They can certainly be offensive. I'll start.

Going on a medieval pub crawl and offensive and/or drinking jokes get you to the head of the line at each bar. I'm hoping you can keep me in the front and my fellow crawlers entertained.

But this is r/jokes, so here's ~~one~~ two to get us started:

A king was preparing to ride off on ...

What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?

Resistance if feudal

My favorite holiday song is the one about the medieval warriors. One of them doesn't talk and the other's armor is falling apart.

Silent Knight, Holey Knight.

My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever been poked by a lance,

He said "no but I was once lightly caressed by a Stephen"

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of Germany.

Her: F*ck. Not Burger King again!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation.

I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.

It's medieval time. There are bets being put on on who can shoot the apple from a man's head.

First goes Robin Hood. He shoots it right at the apple and says:"I'm Robin Hood."
Then there goes William Tell. He shoots the arrow at the apple and it even destroys the apple and he says:"I'm William Tell."
And then comes the third guy. He aims and shoots the arrow right in the guy's head and...

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

How to beat a Tibetan monk

A Tibetan monk and his young subordinate arrive in a small town in medieval England to challenge it's men to fight.

The town sheriff tells his best fighter to step up to the challenge, but the smug monk beats him down with a single, well placed blow.

The sheriff sends in two more men,...

Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other inst...

My girlfriend keeps turning down my invite to the medieval fare because she's busy with "activism" and "planning women's marches".

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?

More often than not, they were called "peasants"

What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200’s?

Medieval Knievel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Rob...

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to D...

Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"

"Nah, he was holding a mace."

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend ove...

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

[Stupid] Why was the medieval man such an a-hole on the plane ride?

Because U-KNIGHTED AIRLINES

Every vote counts

In medieval times, every count votes.

How do you know if she's a witch?

How do you know if a woman is a witch?

Throw her in a lake beaten and tied to a stone; if she floats and stays alive she's a witch if she drowns she's a normal woman.

Well we had to know our facts right?

What do we do if there is no lake or water around?

Tie her to a pole...

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