What did medieval postmen wear?

Chain mail

"If you Google lost medieval servant boy.

You get the message ‘Page cannot be found."

Two medieval instruments are having a conversation

"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first.

"I'm a lute." Says the second.

"No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!"

The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury

It was a flying Chaucer!

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call a medieval gynecologist?

A vagician

Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"

"Nah, he was holding a mace."

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

Medieval cures...

Were leeches on society

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.

Fortified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

When did medieval soldiers go to sleep?

Knight time.

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

A medieval werewolf becomes an alchemist

Others say, “What use do werewolves have of gold?”

Undeterred, he successfully makes gold and shows it to them.

“What do we do with it?”

Another werewolf looks at it. “Dunno. Eat it?”

Thus, the golden retriever was born.

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.

They often had to wear mail armor.

My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever been poked by a lance,

He said "no but I was once lightly caressed by a Stephen"

What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment?

Storming a castle.

Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA’s corporate greed

They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

[Stupid] Why was the medieval man such an a-hole on the plane ride?

Because U-KNIGHTED AIRLINES

Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other inst...

I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

I tried searching the internet for a medieval servant boy...

but I kept getting the same error.

Page not found!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been offered a job as a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.

[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.)

Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages?

It was the knight time

Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of Germany.

Her: F*ck. Not Burger King again!!

[Request] Drinking or medieval jokes. Super bonus if both. They can certainly be offensive. I'll start.

Going on a medieval pub crawl and offensive and/or drinking jokes get you to the head of the line at each bar. I'm hoping you can keep me in the front and my fellow crawlers entertained.

But this is r/jokes, so here's ~~one~~ two to get us started:

A king was preparing to ride off on ...

It's medieval time. There are bets being put on on who can shoot the apple from a man's head.

First goes Robin Hood. He shoots it right at the apple and says:"I'm Robin Hood."
Then there goes William Tell. He shoots the arrow at the apple and it even destroys the apple and he says:"I'm William Tell."
And then comes the third guy. He aims and shoots the arrow right in the guy's head and...

People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

What do you call a medieval dentist?

A plaque doctor.

What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?

Resistance if feudal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation.

I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.

Today, someone asked me if there's a possibility that I know anything about Medieval music.

I said, "not a Gregorian chants".

What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?

At your cervix, m'lady

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

A Scot, an Australian, and a Czech attended a medieval combat tournament.

At first they each had some difficulties getting prepared.

The Scot was detained by police because of mistaken identity. The Australian got lost on the tournament grounds. And the Czech was having some trouble finding armor that would fit.

But it all worked out, and a mutual friend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?

More often than not, they were called "peasants"

How do you know if she's a witch?

How do you know if a woman is a witch?

Throw her in a lake beaten and tied to a stone; if she floats and stays alive she's a witch if she drowns she's a normal woman.

Well we had to know our facts right?

What do we do if there is no lake or water around?

Tie her to a pole...

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

How to beat a Tibetan monk

A Tibetan monk and his young subordinate arrive in a small town in medieval England to challenge it's men to fight.

The town sheriff tells his best fighter to step up to the challenge, but the smug monk beats him down with a single, well placed blow.

The sheriff sends in two more men,...

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200’s?

Medieval Knievel

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to D...

Islam is not too popular these days.

So Muslims decided to hire the Mulla Nasreddin ad agency. The agency worked day and night. But due to strict new laws on false advertizing, regulators rejected most of their proposals. Finally after much thought the agency came up with the following slogans.

Islam, 2/3 less wrong than Christi...

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend ove...

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